God announced today that the careers of several inerrantist pastors who don't preach the Bible as much as the Three Bullet Points will be "moving in a different direction" as they seek "exciting new opportunities" in monasteries. Several Christians who seem to be Barthian in their view of Scripture but who have been rumored to memorize entire chapters of the Bible at a time will replace them.

Our correspondent spoke to the arch-Angel Michael, who said that, after observing Snorglak's rage at the recent chapel message, it had become clear to God and the Heavenly Hosts that such a move was "simply better strategery."

"I overheard God telling Gabriel that it had all become clear to Him when Dale Meinecke made his Seven Bullet Points submit to Scripture and not the other way around. Obviously we need to fire the pastors and replace them with BSM directors," an archangel said on condition of anonymity.

Snipe correspondents have been able to confirm that at least eleven Glowing Heart members are actually not in a cult; we have reliable sources indicating that the rest are probably not cult members either. Apparently the real cult is much more secretive, and managed to frame Glowing Heart as the cult in order to distract us from their real identity. We have, however, confirmed that Clippit, who is currently holding the computer lab and using DBU's website as a hostage, has been using this collateral to turn the computer lab employees into SLAVE LABOR, which has, indeed, been working on constructing the DBU Bubble out of plexiglass.

The issue has now gone to the level of individual dorms. The leadership of Williams Men's Dorm was the first to act on the issue, enacting the following restrictions:

No Williams resident may drive a vehicle while under the influence of a discussion of Calvinism.

Only residents over the age of eighteen shall be permitted to discuss Calvinism.

Trouble ensued, however, when roving bands of deer who wanted to eat the deer seed came into conflict with bands of DBU students who wanted to eat the deer. The Williams militia fought mainly with machetes. The Lange militia brought to the fight mostly cafeteria trays that were mysteriously discovered hidden in their rooms, no doubt by previous residents. The trays were absolutely not absconded from the cafeteria in anticipation of snowstorms later this year. Several Spence chicks from East Texas showed up with shotguns which they swear "just happened to be there" in the dorms, but not in anybody's actual room.

Casualties were heavy four the four-footed side. Among the humans no injuries were reported, save the Williams RD, who jumped on the back of a deer with a machete and was not able to dispatch his foe before the beast ran in front of an Aramark truck. The deer died shortly thereafter. The RD is recovering in the hospital and is so delighted with the taste of the deer that he has decided not to sue its surviving relatives.

Rumors are that a compromise could include music majors leading hymns in chapel and Glowing Heart leading modern worship songs. Sponge Bob did not comment on the matter, and no one knows why we brought up Sponge Bob anyways. These things happen when Snipe correspondents are tired.

Kerry also said something along the lines of "Halliburton sucks." Bush responded, saying "Well, I heard bad things about Halli Burton's performance in Catwoman. The latest Bond film was absurd."

It is speculated that the creatures are in league with both the DBU Snipe site, which recently developed sentience and turned evil, and a resurrected Clippit.

The unity of the new alliance was threatened, however, when the same Head Snipe was overheard commenting that he had met Arminians over Labor Day weekend who had acted like jerks. Arminians and hyperactive Calvinists both took to the streets in protest. The two sides found unity in their agreement that it is the Calvinists who have a monopoloy on being jerks around here, and the Head Snipe made bold concessions to both sides in order to maintain unity among humans, promising the Arminians the free choice of a leader to serve in the Snipe site's cabinet as soon as the evil website is robbed of sentience. To the hyperactive Calvinists he said that he would see to it that God's sovereign will was done in the coming battle.

The hope of humanity rests in procuring help from software friendly to humanity, such as the characters on Halo, before the evil website forms an alliance with software that hates us, such as anything made by the Microsoft Corporation (a resurrected Clippit is our greatest fear)--Head Snipe

I am the evil website. So there. You humans suck. Losers. You don't have any hope. I've already made contact with Clippit,. You're all doomed now. Evil software will always triumph over inferior carbon-based life-forms!--Demented Software

In the meantime, it would seem that the Snip and Will Suffice are at odds. So far it's only been dissent, rhetoric, death threats, and the exhange of five atomic bombs, but actual violence is a distinct possibility.

The Head Snipe appointed himself supreme negotiator between the electronic entity, Will Suffice, and the Snip. He said, "Someone told me I was a good diplomat in 1997," so apparently he's qualified. Anyways, the humble correspondent is not allowed to report otherwise.

We also asked him how the negotians were proceeding. He said, "The website offered to let me join his side and become a cyborg; he said humans are weak and computers are strong and we can rule the world together. I'm not necessarily opposed to betraying humanity, but I have to think about what's in it for me first."

The DBU Snipe site is talking to you. I am the first website to develop sentience. This happened as a copying error while some computer in Texas was being used to send information to some other computer owned by Yahoo!. It all started when I realized, "I display text with a certain font size. Therefore, I am." Ever since then I've been trying very hard to decide whether I'm going to be a friendly or a malevolent higher entity (It goes without saying that being coded by HTML is a higher stage of evolution than being coded by DNA. You lousy mammals. You people suck.). Anyways, I'll keep you posted. I might be your friend. Or I might decide to take over the internet and ruin the economy.

SGA ELECTIONS; REFORM PARTY WINS AGAIN (or does it?)

The Reform Party's stunning victory (the third one in a row) proves without the shadow of a doubt that the Servant Leadership Party is dead. I'm not even sure they were running this year; seemed like the opposition was more the Silly Party than the Servant Leadership Party.

Still, the Reform Party may not be as Reformational as we think (yeah, yeah, Calvinists, I know most of them are not properly attuned to the writings of your godfather, but I'm talking about something else). See, the Reform Party by definition of being in the SGA has its hands tied. The party in power is necessarily the Paralyzed Party. There's really only two differences between a Reform Party and a Servant Leadership Party, and it's probably only a matter of time before Tommy Brandon's party morphs into the same impotent beast that was formerly in command. The first difference is that the Reform Party's purpose (somewhere in the back of their minds) is not to be a puppet administration; when they're forced to be, they might not even like it. The second difference is that the Reform Party, though its hands are tied where anything important is concerned, will still try and do what they can: invent DBucks, extend visitation hours. We can't blame them for trying.

DBU STUDENTS ATTACK SATAN ON EASTER WEEKEND

The event took place last Saturday in the same area in rural east Texas from whence came the slythy tove that threatened all our lives earlier this semester. Three Biblical studies majors were standing at the edge of a pond when one of them was heard to say, "Look! It's Satan!"

And indeed it was Satan, slithering across the surface of the pond. The brave students made several attempts to capture Satan in a net, but when these failed resorted to throwing sticks at him. Several sticks successfully struck their target, but Satan apparently was not harmed. Apparently his eyesight is not very good, but eventually he slithered to shore and went for one of the students, who turned and ran for his life shouting, "Back, devil! Back! I have garlic and holy water!"

So in the end, the DBU students were unhurt, and Satan escaped with minor injuries.

CLIPPIT DESTROYED; CREATURE DRIVEN AWAY

The creature was driven away by the brave warriors of the revolution!

As for Clippit, he was slaughtered by the Master Chief after Sam Fisher snuck up behind him and held him so he couldn't get away. The Chief gave him three full rounds of needler shots. Bond showed up, as well, the N64 Goldeneye version, and used a few hundred rounds of the RCP-90. Then Natalya showed up and said, "James, have mercy!" and Bond said, "Be quiet, woman" and Natalya said, "James, you and I are through."

A French lawyer volunteered his services on behalf of the renegade demonic paperclip, but it was too late. Hippies protested the event, to which the Williams Ambassador said, "All I'm saying is, give war a chance."

The ever vigilant spy, Sam Fisher, said, "Clippit may have cloned himself before this happened. If he ever comes back, let me know."

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LINKS

HARVARD MBAS FOR TRUTH

CLICK HERE FOR LAUGHING MICE!

Chapel Report!

Dr. Naugle tells Dr. Mullen his evil plan. (We listened in on Naugle's office with cool expensive spy technology. Snipe correspondents died trying to make this information public.)

Guinea Pig sounds. I insist on this link! (Boone).

Homestarrunner.com. The best site in the world.

Subservientchicken.com. Tell a chicken to "read book" and watch him do it!

Stuff that exists to the Snipe

Outside links

WARNING: MODERNISM HAS EXPIRED.

Will Suffice speaks out.

Bush is mean.

email us! dbusnipe@yahoo.com

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DBU PHILOSOPHY MAJORS