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My First Female Friend: Alice             Contents

Since I could distinguish and understand anything, I have been fond of Alice. We have been good friends since we were very young. We have gotten along well with each other. She has been a nice, hospitable, talkative, attractive person. She was my first female friend in y life. Although we have been living in different countries, today we still keep our connection and concern for each other.

Although the time has gone, sometimes I still remember when we were together in childhood, as teenagers, as young people, and middle-aged. In spite of some terrible times, such as misunderstandings, missing each other, loneliness, helplessness, and hopelessness when we were young, we still loved each other. Although we could not become a couple, we are still friend today.

Alice is my father’s first wife’s niece. So, we have known each other since we were very young. We visited each other very often when we were young. She was the most attractive of my cousins. A few years later, she and her family moved to Guang Zhou City to live. We could not see each other as usual. Though she lived far away from us, she and her mother sometimes still visited us. Every time I saw her, I felt comfortable. We could understand each other without saying a word.

One thing remains in my mind. It was when my family and I went to Guang Zhou City to visit Alice and her family. I had no memory of having been there before. Maybe my father had brought me there when I was a child. Guang Zhou City was a big city. There were many businesses, many people walked on the street, many automobiles commuted on the roads. I had not been there before, everything was so exciting and I was a curious country boy. I wanted to know everything.

I also wanted to take that chance to visit all around the city. Therefore, I convinced my nephew Cesar to be my guide. Though he was two years young than I. Cesar had gone there before, so I supposed that he knew the city well. Cesar was a timid boy. He said, “I don’t know the city well.” I said, “Why worry about that? We’re just going to walk a few blocks and then we’ll turn back to Alice’s home.” We did not tell anyone else we were walking around the city by ourselves. I so badly wanted to know everything; I forgot the danger that could happen to two little boys who were strangers to the city. I did not want to lose this opportunity.

We visited many places that we had not gone to before. It was so exciting. The city was so attractive. When we walked a few blocks Cesar said, “We should go back to Alice’s home.” I said, “Why are you so worried about that? We’ll keep going the same way.” Cesar agreed with me. We were walking and looking around the city. We got lost. Cesar was scared. I calmed him down. We followed the same directions to where we started. I believed in myself. I had a good sense of direction. When Alice’s family found out, we had gone out; all her family members went looking for us. However, nobody saw us. The only two who saw us were Alice and her mother. I always believed Alice and I had good communication.

My First Female Friend: Alice   Part II             Contents

In 1957, Alice and family moved to Hong Kong. We could not see each other until 1962, when we met in Hong Kong. At that time, Alice and I were grown up. She was still lovely. When I stayed in Hong Kong, we had a wonderful time. We went to the park, shopping, theater, and ate at a restaurant. She invited me to eat a red bean ice when we were in an ice cream shop. It was very delicious and even today I remember it. In addition, we even went rowing in the sea.

We visited each other often. Her grandmother was so kind to me. I have never met a person as nice, although she died almost 40 years age. She offered cookies, candies, and even gave me some money. I said, “Thanks, Grandma, but I have money.” She said, “My son and relatives always give me money and I am a senior so I don’t know where to spend it, I’m always staying at home. You are a young boy; you need it more than I.”

The months later, Alice and I separated again, because I had to return to Panama to help my brother do business. Yet although Alice and I lived in different parts of the world, we communicated by letter very often. I had a lot of self-confidence that she and I would be together. For the first few years, I worked 12 hours a day, except on Thursday. I wanted to own my own business, so I could ask Alice to come to Panama. I even went to school at night to improve my Spanish. I was dreaming that my goal could be realized soon. I took every opportunity to improve my business and language skills. I had a lot of enthusiasm and I forgot the pain and tiredness from the long hours of working. I believed one tasted the bitterness as well as the sweetness of coffee.

When I was 22, I was supposed to open my own business and ask Alice to come to Panama to help me do business. However, my brother denied me this. I realized then that my brother had taken advantage of me during those years. He wanted me to work with him and support his family. At the beginning, he was very nice and told how it was necessary to sacrifice for our family. In addition, I was a spring chicken, so I trusted what he was saying. In the Chinese tradition, the older brother has the power of a father. That year my father had died, so of course my brother had responsibility for me. However, the reality was the reverse. He refused to help me; he did not want me to become independent of him; he used me as l tool to make money for him. Because I was born in Panama. I had a right to operate my own business there. However, my brother was my father’s first wife’s son, and he was foreign born. According to Panamanian law, a foreign-born person did not have the right to operate his own business in Panama. Therefore, my brother used my name to operate his business and I was simply a worker. He had planned his interest and built a house in Hong Kong, and he said my sister and I had a share in it. However, all that was a trick, because the property was under his and his wife’s names. I did not care about the property. What upset me was that he had been cheating me for years. I hated him for lying to me. That terrible thing traumatized me for a long time. Nightmares always bothered me, in which I fought against my brother, until one day I beat him. Then the nightmares disappeared. I knew the trauma’s effect had been cured. However, it indirectly ruined my friendship with Alice.

My First Female Friend: Alice  Part III               Contents

Ever since I discovered that my brother Chung was an irresponsible and unfair person, and he was a gambler too, I knew that I had to depend on myself alone. I also knew I was going to have a hard time. I even wrote less often to Alice, because I did not want her to have such high expectations of me. I thought that love is giving and selfless, so I wished her to have a happy life with someone who could give her a comfortable life. Furthermore, we were not mature enough; ours was just puppy love.

When my letters lessened, she asked me what was going on, if I was very busy with my work. I did not want to hurt or disappoint her, so I just said, “I’ve changed my mind, because I have sunk into a difficult situation.” I also told her, “Do not wait for me.” She misunderstood me. She guessed I had a Panamanian girlfriend and was not interested in her anymore. I felt miserable, but I had to do it. I did not want her to waste her time waiting.

After that, I changed my lifestyle. When I lost my goals for the future, I lost interest in everything. My only interest was in practicing Judo, Karate, and Aikido. I did not want to recall the unhappy past, so I became addicted to sports. I considered it the best way to relieve my pain. I had a lot of injuries when I practiced those sports, but compared with my mental pain it was nothing.

When I was 25 years old, I decided to end Alice’s and my unclear relationship. I did not want us to continue to hurt each other. I went to Hong Kong to talk with her in person. Of course, we could have explained the truth to each other, but we did not know much about the game of life. If we had known how to play the game of life, we would not have ended unhappily. All of this came about because we were inexperienced. But we did not blame each other. We believed it was our destiny that we could only be friends.

If you asked me, “When I learned it, it was too late. I also discovered that when you being in a wrong way, you are never able to turn back to the place where you started. I am not the great man who does not lose. I believe time will mellow and refine me.

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