Robert's Caption Contribution:
Sadly, Jimmy totally misses the point of X-ray goggles.
To be amused further by more captions and other witty hijinks and musings, go to Robert's webpage. You'll find no such excitement here. Also, please visit the pages of the persons listed below. Your funny bone will thank you later. But you can thank me now. Personal checks accepted.
Ryan Tony Grant Jenny Matt
|Shut Up, Mysterious Neighbour Who Has Tourettes|
|So... You Like... Stuff?
Well, this is a good place to look at random stuff.
Find out more than you ever wanted to know about me. UPDATED 102504
Best stories ever by Tony Kirsch.
The Day the Bees Attacked
3 x 5 = 20 (Bloody Hell)
The Yellow Tuna Fish (Part I)
The Yellow Tuna Fish (Part II).
Let Me Sleep, You Sow!
In addition to the Canterbury Tale (which was for school, back in the day), Rose and I also wrote The Adventures of Mr. T, a stirring, poignant, three-hanky novelette about a kooky string theorist named Hyacinth and her good pal Anne Boleyn, and their adventures with Philip the dog.
For all those aspiring young upstarts out there, I haven't forgotten about you! For you, and you alone, I have this humble offering: Worthless Advice for the Aspiring Young Upstart.
See Page Two! And Page Three!
Self-explanatory Ye Olde Quotebook.
A classic airport adventure.
The way the Count of Monte Cristo movie should've been. Or something like that.
|A Note on Etiquette
Are you depressed? Do you cry often? Are you the little sad white blob on television that shuffles around in the rain looking sorry for itself? If so, you should call that one hotline. For the rest of you, have you ever wondered what colour you should dress your maids in? Or how to eat pistachio nuts properly? Or even the appropriate time and place to pick your nose? Well, wonder no more, my friends, for the very answers lie in Miss Manner's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. It's not the whole book here, of course, just highlights of it. We read it one summer. It was a fine midsummer's day. The sky was the brilliant colour of newly bloomed forget-me-nots and the birds were singing a harmonious melody worthy of Chopin in the tall trees. Three young friends gathered in their hallowed meeting place: the library room at Noah's Coffee (where Ben Prather makes better vanilla steamers than Starbucks). As Fate would have it, Judith Martin's revered tome, held together at the spine with duct tape, beckoned to them from the shelf. Gathering up their courage, the children picked up the precious book gingerly. The incomparable beauty of the pink cover smote their hearts. Slowly and carefully, they opened the book to the very first page. What they saw on those yellow, crackled pages would change their lives forever...
| Updated minimally on October 25, 2004
Or... was it??
I can't take it anymore. I had officially given up on this website some months ago due to an extreme, debilitating Frankly-My-Dear-I-Don't-Give-A-Damn Syndrome, but there's something I need to get off my chest, and it must needs be done on the Internet.
You know that new Elmo doll, the rock n roll one, the one that sings E-L-M-O and waves its arms creepily to spell its name? Yeah, that one. Well, in addition to sticking the stupid song in my head all day, this new Elmo is in serious contention for Dumbest Toy Ever Invented. Reigning champion is the pair o' smashy Hulk hands that grrrs when you hit something. I mean, really. Come on.
Kids today. So easily placated by total crap. Back in my day we had real toys, like plastic Ninja turtles and cans of turtle goo. And when our Barbies' heads came off, we just shoved 'em back on. Sure, it distorted their faces, but you didn't see us crying, did you? No, we took it like a man. Unlike some people who need fake hands to punch a wall. What's the point of punching a wall unless there's a serious danger of breaking your hand? Even a shiftless washout like Kevin Brown did it right.
|An Extended "When I Was Your Age" Tirade:
When I was your age, kids' shows actually taught us valuable life lessons. The Care Bears showed us caring and sharing. The Ninja Turtles taught us about honor and justice. And finally, versatility and a willingness to adapt to our environments are traits for which we heartily thank the Transformers.
And what do kids have today? Cartoons like Lilo & Stitch only perpetuate the idea that if you have huge eyes and a wide smile you can get away with destroying the house. Then there's Pokemon. For the priceless lesson of how to shove as many squeaky little monsters into your pockets as you can. Greedy little buggers, aren't you?
In summation, it's your fault Don Music doesn't bang his head on the piano keys anymore. Oh Don Music, how we miss your suicidal antics.
|In Loving Memory|