Return to Feature
Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from snipergrl78, NeuralClone, Lassievorc, AnnieBW, Gyre and Peacekeeperchuck. And keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
*How was I supposed to know we’d land on LoMo when we skipped off that gas giant?* John hit his head on Farscape’s canopy.
Thanks to Mreen’s power packed brownies, our intrepid crew of one real and one virtual person found themselves hurtling towards an inhabited planet where they might get provisions and locate Moya. Unfortunately, due to an unforeseen quirk in the gas giant’s gravity field, they found themselves on the very planet, which John had been banished from not two monens ago. Through a lot of groveling and wheedling, John managed to convince the authorities to let him stay on the planet long enough to stock the Farscape up for a longish journey to another more tolerant location. Once again, they over-stayed their grudging welcome and were summarily thrown off after only a ten-day vacation. A second miscalculation brought them right back to where they started, but this time they had oxygen, and food, even if the fuel was low to non-existant.
*Are you sure you didn’t plan it that way, John? No matter, I have a fresh batch of e-mail that needs answering. Why don’t you kick back for a bit? I’ll let you know when I’m done.* LoMo was fun, but Harvey was itching to get to his e-mail now that they were more or less down to business as usual.
*Okay, Harv.* John silently admitted he had a good time, and was glad to relax for a bit.
Dear Harvey,
I am writing this from the confines of an escape module, and hoping that my commanding officer doesn't wake up before I'm finished.
My CO is a repulsive individual. He shouldn't even be alive, much less a Peacekeeper! Repulsive, I tell you! His face is skeletal, he wears black lipstick, his teeth need a lot of work, and worst of all, he has a rod in his head. But this isn't the half of it.
He thinks he is above regulations, he humiliates me on a regular basis, he drags me along when he wants to meet with lesser species (I hate that!), and he has a really bad case of obsessive-compulsive disorder. You have no idea how many times a day he checks his frelling lipstick, and he's been chasing the same pathetic criminal for over two cycles! And he calls himself a Peacekeeper! Disgusting, I tell you! If he thinks I'm happy to be his toady, he's dead wrong!
Anyway, Harvey, my question is this. I now have the opportunity to rat him out to High Command. This new commandant has shown up, and I may be able to get in good with her. Oh, and is she ever hot. I'll be *her* little toady any day. She wears this jacket, you see… Oh… I seem to have gotten away from the subject again. Anyhow, now he has allowed a band of escaped prisoners blow up his command carrier! And he thinks he'll be exempt from charges! Laughable!
So do I report him as soon as we get picked up, or do I wait until he thinks he's safe?
Seriously considering mutiny,
Lt. Braca
Dear Lt. Braca,
The fundamental fact that you are denying is you ARE a TOADY! Your description of your CO indicates to me that he is GOTH (the black lipstick and the body piercing about the head). It is necessary that he keep up appearances, hence the seeming obsession with the black lipstick. As for the teeth, we all must accept what nature provides. So my advice to you is: GROW UP! And SUCK IT IN – you TOADY.
As for the hot new commandant, go ahead and blab to her. But if she is as “Peacekeeper” as you are indicating, I doubt that will get you very far.
______________________________
Dear Harvey
Who the frell is David Franklin?
Lt. Braca
You again!
I can’t believe what a whiner you are! First you complain about your CO for no real reason other than you are such a wuss. You must have way too much time on your hands to be wondering about David Franklin. With all this extra time how can you possibly be complaining about your CO? He sounds like a prince among Peacekeepers. I’m changing my previous call and advise you to keep you mouth shut about him. It can’t possibly get better than this.
However, as for David Franklin, you will be extraordinarily pleased to learn that you are his alter ego (or is that the other way around?). No matter, you two are like, to use an expression I learned from John, two peas in a pod. Perhaps you should get to know him better?
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
This is not for me, but for my beloved friend, John Crichton! You are in a unique position to care for him, Harvey. I'm sure you can see how tenuous his grasp on reality has become! You are the voice of sanity and reason for John! You must take charge of the situation. Aeryn is lost in her mourning and searching; D'Argo's off to find Macton. Rygel is seeking his return to power and I am obliged to find and help the Nebari resistance! John is all alone, except for YOU! Please, continue in your wise guidance. You may have to save John from himself!
Sincerely,
Chiana
Dearest Chiana,
I am truly touched by your heartfelt words. What a treasure you are! Talk about choices, why John ever chose that Peacekeeper over your loveliness I’ll never know.
But please be assured that I am doing my absolute best to protect John, especially from himself. I am forever trying to give him my advice; advice that is sought throughout the galaxy. I will keep trying, but it is such an uphill struggle.
But hurry back. Right now we could both do with a little rescuing. We are located near where you left us. Unfortunately, Moya seems to have fallen through a wormhole and we don’t know where she is at the moment.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Where can I find a good pair of leather maternity pants? I looked in "PK Motherhood" and some of the other shops on this commerce planet, but all I can find are cutesy sailor dresses. I'm a commando, not some frelling Sailor Scout! Oh, and I really need to get a matching leather nursing vest to go with them, too. Hopefully they won't cost too much. I'm a single mother without a job or health care.
Love and leather,
Aeryn Sun
Dear Aeryn Sun,
So you went and got yourself knocked up and now you want fashion advice? If you wanted to continue being a commando, you should have continued to use contraceptives and some judgment. God knows, you won’t find any from he who did it. Now you want to keep up appearances and continue a life style that doesn’t quite go with the Sailor Scout look. Maybe they have the Sailor Scout dresses in leather. And if your signature is any indication, it is the leather look that you are seeking, so that should be an acceptable compromise.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
It's obvious you've been good for John, yet he shows no appreciation for all you've done. Wouldn't a little time in the dumpster do a world of good for John while you straightened out his life?
Gyre
Dear Gyre,
Yes, I have been good for John, and thank you for recognizing it. It’s always nice to get an atta-boy, and it is greatly appreciated. Why just the other day I saved his ‘you-know-what’ when I disguised his energy signature from Scropius and the big thanks I get is an “Oh, so that’s how I could lie to his face” or words to that effect.
But things are turning around; there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But to what avail, I don’t know. You see, it is because of these little advice columns that I received brownies that saved us, only to have John be thrown out again, just because he is still moping about some ex-peacekeeper that ditched him in favor of some dead guy.
Oh that I could get him to live in the dumpster for a bit. But alas, that is not to be, I’m afraid. He is very stubborn, and thinks he knows what is best, and yet, he does come to me for advice from time to time.
Dear Gyre, I will have to work on this and hopefully your suggestion will get some notice. I am you humble servant.
*John, I am through for the weeken.*
*Thanks Harvey. Listen, as long as we are stuck here for another couple of weekens, until the Kempster sees fit for me to find a way out, I thought you might like for me to look at the column.* John was bored, stuck on the Farscape module with nothing to do until Season 4 starts.
*John, you should spend some time in the dumpster. Then you’ll know what boredom really is. Don’t deny me my one little pleasure. You grudgingly give me an arn a weeken, and now you want to horn in on it?*
*Okay, okay! I just thought I could help a little. I didn’t mean to rain on your parade.* John sighed.
*Is that why you sent me this? I just got it and I thought we were out of range.* I shoved another e-mail under his nose. I didn’t want to answer this as it looked like a trap. It read:
Dear Harvey,
I heard that if you love something, set it free. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it. Is this true?
Anonymous
*What do you mean? Does it look like something I’d say?* John was indignant.
*Um, yes. As a matter of fact I do.*
*Oh? Then, wise one, what is your advice?* John got this very smug look on his face.
*Is it true for you?* I threw it right back to John.
*Hmmph* was all John could come up with.
*Well then, there you have it.* I refused to get embroiled in his little games. Even if John had nothing to do, I at least have this column. Well, that does it, my mail box is empty again.
5-07-02 Advice Column
4-30-02 Advice Column
4-23-02 Advice Column
4-16-02 Advice Column
4-09-02 Advice Column
4-02-02 Advice Column
3-25-02 Advice Column
3-19-02 Advice Column
3-12-02 Advice Column
Premier Advice Column