Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from pitdog, Still in Kansas, Spear, and Peacekeeperchuck. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
*John! I got a note from unohoo. She doesn’t have the funds to send anything fancy, but she found a really old Leviathan that was headed this way.* Harvey was holding possible salvation in his virtual hands.
*How old?* John was skeptical. After all; any Leviathan headed this way could only mean one thing, it was dying. Still, it was better than nothing.
*Very old, John, it’s dying. But it still has a breathable atmosphere, and they take a really long time to die. It seems that this Leviathan, Elack, wants to be in place at the time of his demise.* Harvey was very pleased with himself.
*Okie-dookie. I take it you have another column to do. I’ll keep an eye out for this Leviathan while you compose the column.* John turned around to study the instruments.
Dear Harvey,
My boyfriend is a big Scorpy fan.
He dresses like Scorpy, talks like Scorpy, and now wants to exchange cooling rods in our heads, at our wedding, instead of wedding rings!
Am I being too selfish in denying him this?
Isn't marriage a give and take?
Must we exchange brain material to really show our love?
I don't want to lose this wonderful man, who is like a father to my six children -from seven previous men. I guess I feel a little guilty that I am so selfish, but I would have preferred a minister to a neurosurgeon officiating at our wedding.
I really need your help on this one!
signed-
a blushing bride- to- be afraid of losing Mr. Wonderful!
Dear blushing bride to be,
What’s a little gray matter between friends? It sounds like a perfectly reasonable request to me. This procedure will be so much more meaningful than a ring exchange with can be easily removed at any whim.
Do it! You don’t want to lose Mr. Wonderful!
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I am desperately in need of some motherly advice, and since mine isn't available, I immediately thought of you. Help! I'm married and I'm not sure why.
I recently ran into a guy that I hadn't seen for ten years. Last time we met, he was so sweet, caring, adorable, cuddly, and impetuous. But then again, what nine-year-old isn't. When he burst into my life again, I found him to be conceited and argumentative (thinks he's better than the Jedi Masters), rude and self-centered (talks back to me in front of my colleagues), has an evil streak (butchers women and children), and has a BIG problem with authority (ignores direct orders). What did I do? Professed my undying love and married him.
Now that I look at him objectively, I can't help but wonder if I was the victim of a Jedi mind trick. What do you think? What should I do? Is there anyway out of this situation? I'm beginning to question my ability to make wise decisions.
Anxiously awaiting your sage advice,
Mrs. P. A. Skywalker
Senator
(P.S. The mambo shirt's nice, but I love your black leather look!)
Dear Senator Skywalker,
You are obviously a woman of impeccable taste! Yes, the basic black leather ensemble´ is, without doubt, a classic. I only defer to the mambo shirt for the more casual occasions. It is rather comfortable.
In regards to your question, however, I must say that you, as a politician, should never go back on your word. That is all you have.
Stand by you man!
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I am a young handsome hybrid (okay, okay, half-breed). My mother was killed by my uncle. My father was taken away by the Peacekeepers for the murder. My youth was spent in a brutal hand-to-mouth existence. When I was finally reunited with my father, I noticed his hot sultry girlfriend/fiancé. My father is pretty headstrong (maybe obsessive/compulsive) with a terrible temper and started making plans for the three of us to settle down on a farm (what a boring life that would be). While he was away helping this Erp man who is out of his mind, muttering nonsense phrases half the time, and constantly going from one bad situation to the next, I had a wild fling with his girlfriend/fiancé. When my father got back, there was an ugly scene, and I left. Since then, I have heard rumors about my father and this Erp man. According to the rumors, they have blown up a Gammak base, a Shadow depository, and a PK command carrier and caused terrible trouble in a dozen different star systems. I have also heard my father is now looking for my uncle. Should I go back, get my father away from this strange Erp man, and help my father straighten out?
Very concerned,
Jothee
Dear Jothee,
It seems to me that you’re the one who needs straightening out, young man! (And what does being a hybrid have to do with anything?) It sounds like your father is doing the correct thing, seeking revenge. Far from straightening him out, you should help him locate your Uncle and help him do the deed. That will be a benefit on two fronts: first, it will hasten your father getting his revenge; and second it will encourage some father – son bonding, help make amends for what you did to him.
Once that is taken care of, you should encourage you father to find this “Erp” man again and thank him for all that he has provided your father. I know someone in a very similar situation and by a strange coincidence has a son with the same name as yours, but the friend is from a different planet. It’s a small galaxy after all. Any way, I’m sure the friend means much to your father, and if this friend is anything like the one I know, your father is probably indebted to him many times over.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
It's been said that revenge is sweet, but that phrase can't begin to describe how enjoyable it actually is! The deed is finally done. The cake has been baked. The fat lady has sung her final concert. Not in my wildest dreams did I think anyone could scream the way my 'mark' did when he stepped into my trap. (You don't know how hard it is to find a good bear trap now a days!)
I was wondering if I should expose my identity to my mark since the act is done? Or should I keep the game going between us, and visit the pathetic little worm while it recovers in the hospital?
How does live honeybees sound for a get-well gift?
Take care,
The Dentic
p.s. I have heard of your recent plight dew to a certain idiot that will not be mentioned here. (Who the frell is stupid enough to listen to advice from a strange old lady!?! Did he even ask why she was on the command carrier? Maybe she was locked up because she enjoyed frelling with people's minds!!!!!!!!!). Anyway I hope you enjoy my care package. It's not margarita shooters and pizza, but MRE's and beer isn't that bad.
My Dearest Dentic!,
How wonderful to hear from you again. I’ve been wondering how successful you have been since we last communicated. I’m so glad to learn that things have indeed gone well for you.
Treat your “mark” properly, and you will have him for the rest of your natural life. It is a well-known fact that those who are happy with life tend to enjoy much longer and more fulfilling lives then those who don’t have that luxury. You have a unique opportunity to set him up again and again. Don’t throw it away! Send him a sincere get-well card and visit him in the hospital, offering your support. That way, when he recovers you can set him up for the next festive event, and so on, and so on. My cooling rod’s off to you my friend. You have engineered this to perfection. Don’t destroy it now!
Many, many thanks for that wonderful care package. MRE’s and beer will do nicely. It is most thoughtful of you to send it in our time of need. You’ll have to excuse the person, who shall remain nameless, but whose initials are John Crichton; he is not himself lately (of course, I’m not sure when he ever was himself).
Take care, and let me hear from you soon!
______________________________
*I’ve got some more good news, John, my friend, the Dentic, has sent a care package of MRE’s and beer. That should tide us over until Elack limps by.*
*Yes it will. Harvey, I have to say your fans are really quite helpful. Please let them know how grateful we are.* John was already savoring the first beer. The MRE’s could wait.
*Believe me John; I do let them know. They are terrific, aren’t they?* I was content to wait for Elack. Now that John had some beer, he seem to mellow out a bit. It will be nice to be able to write this column from a Leviathan once again.
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