Creature from the Haunted Sea (1961)

Cast:

Robert Towne is Sparks Moran/Agent XK150/Narrator
Antony "I was in Corman's Bucket of Blood" Carbone is Renzo Capetto
Betsy Jones-Moreland is Mary-Belle Monahan

What the box says:

When a Carribbean island is engulfed by a revolution, an unscrupulous American mobster, Renzo Capeto plans to clean up with a get rich quick scheme. His diabolical plan is to provide refuge to the loyalists, and the contents of the government coffers, on his boat, and then murder his passengers and escape with a fortune. Planning to blame their deaths on a mythical sea monster, no one is more surprised than Renzo, when the real monster appears with its own agenda.

Plot:

A couple of bearded guys shoot somebody. The only witness, Dweeby runs off. He is carrying a note from the dead guy. Dweeby manages to disguise himself with a fake mustache that looks fake compared to the lame Halloween costume mustaches. He heads to a bar to meet with an agent he hasn’t ever met and automatically assumes it is a chick. Several lame code phrases later, Dweeby talks with Agent XK 1-20.

Cheesy animation through the credits ensues. Narration reveals that after the Cuban revolution, many Cubans smuggled loot out. An American mobster, Renzo Capetto is recruited by the Cuban military that plan to take the Cuban treasury with them to refinance a counter revolution against Castro.

A car chase is TOO DARK TO SEE.

The next day, Renzo has the Cuban treasury loaded in a strongbox on his boat. Dweeby manages to get hired as one of the ship’s crew. The ship takes off with Renzo’s men and the Cuban military officers. Narration reveals about how ruthless Renzo is, Mary Monahan (Renzo’s chick and gun moll), Happy Jack Monahan (Mary’s brother), and Pete Jr. (Renzo’s thug who mainly communicates by way of animal calls).

The crew is taking for the Cubans for a ride. They need to eliminate half the Cubans without them getting alarmed. Renzo has heard about a sea monster from Cuban fisherman and plans to make it look like some sort of sea monster is stalking them.

Dweeby (Sparks Moran) manages to build his spy radio to contact with base.

Komedy ensues when Mary continually insults the Cuban general whose assistant keeps translating what Mary says into compliments. Sparks tries to convince Mary to reform and run off with him.

That night, Renzo kills a Cuban soldier and plans to start the Sea Monster operation which will get him to change course. Then, the real sea monster kills another soldier. Everyone hears the ruckus, and Renzo tells them the legend of the sea monster. The general believes there’s a monster…

Later, Renzo changes course to “evade” the monster and decides where to head next.

Sparks eavesdrops and hears the wrong location that he reports.

As the crew is working, Mary assaults us with a song. You’d think just having her sing would drive the soldiers overboard quicker…

Another boat pulls up to them claiming to represent Cuba. Renzo and the men gun that crew down. Sparks claims Mary will love him and he promises to save her. She spurns him again.

Renzo has a plan to take care of things. Sail the ship through some narrow reefs and crash it. Take the lifeboats to a near deserted island. On the way to the island, the strongbox is dropped into the water. While on the island, move the box to a different place. The Cubans will search for a while and then give up, and Renzo can get the box…

In the commotion of the crash, the monster gets another soldier. The lifeboats are loaded.

They reach the island. The crew is to scout, get a hold of a rescue boat, and build a hut in 15 seconds.

Sparks finds telephone on the beach and contacts XJ 1-20. He can’t say much with the random islanders that suddenly want to use the phone.

Animal impersonator roams about making his animal sounds. He finds Portina (Animal Chick is easier to remember) who does the same sort of animal impressions.

Back at the hut, Animal and Animal Chick bring fruit to Renzo and the rest. Happy Jack returns with a rescue boat, diving equipment, and girl (Carmelita).

Carmelita has burning pork chops or loins for Sparks.

The crew readies to dive. Diving footage ensues, and Renzo decides to use the Sea Monster bit again to eliminate another soldier. Underwater attack ensues and Sparks narration about the evil of Renzo. Another soldier down.

Happy Jack learns that his squeeze, Carmelita, longs to sample Sparks’s plug.

The Cuban general decides to dive and be armed with spear guns now.

Animal Chick introduces Happy Jack to Mango not Chris Kattan…

Animal Chick’s husband attacks her until Animal drives him away.

Mango badmouths Happy Jack according to the Spanish subtitles. She is only putting up with him for the hope he’ll buy overpriced island souvenirs. Happy Jack wants to marry Mango. Animal and Happy Jack decide to eliminate the crew and take the strongbox for their own.

Renzo is waiting for Happy Jack and Animal as the Cubans dive again.

Animal, Animal Chick, Mango, and Happy Jack are frolicking in the water.

Diving footage, Renzo finds the strongbox. The monster spots him and the group elsewhere.

The beach group is splashing unaware of the monster who grabs Mango. The others start looking to no avail.

Happy Jack confronts Renzo and accuses him of killing Mango. Mary even believes her brother. Renzo is sure there actually is a sea monster. They have to get rid of the Cubans ASAP…

More diving, the monster watches when the General finds the strongbox. Underwater spear fight and tussle ensues. Renzo kills the general. Happy Jack finds Mango’s remains when the monster finishes him off.

Mary is angry about her brother and blames Renzo for it. Sparks tries hitting on Mary again who shoots him down faster than Bon Jovi in a blaze of stupidity by pushing him out of the boat. Carmelita pushes Mary out of the boat.

Renzo and the Cuban colonel are the only ones left.

Sparks realizes that Mary hates him and decides he could try Carmelita. She isn’t bothered by being his second choice.

The monster approaches as Mary and Renzo profess their love.

But, Guy you said you would abandon the girl for me... Mary is whacked. The monster finishes off the crew and the Cubans. Sparks and Carmelita paddle away.

The monster finishes off the dumbest animal impersonator this side of infinity. Renzo retreats as the monster finishes off Animal Chick. Renzo can’t hide before he is gotten as good as the rest have been got.

Carmelita and a business suited Sparks, who didn’t realize there was a monster until the very end was killing everyone escape. Sparks narration is about how he got the girl and the monster got the gold.

What I say:

Roger Corman is a low budget director. More than low budget director, he is one of the Pantheon of LOW BUDGET DIRECTORS. Unlike a number of them that are pretty much acknowledged for being competely awful, he did quite a few schlocky sci-fi and horror movies in the 50s. However, in the 1960s gave us the Edgar Allan Poe adpatations he directed: Masque of the Red Death, Raven, and House of Usher which showed he had a lot more talent than some of his early work and really let Vincent Price run wild. Even with the bad movies, Corman could always slip away on you like in Bucket of Blood, which had a crazed Dick Miller encasing people in clay and displaying them as sculptures.

These are some pretty bad criminals in the dumb way. When the right hand man of the crime lord communicates mainly through animal calls, you know you are into a strange land. The plan is to slowly eliminate the soldiers and make it appear that some sort of sea monster is doing it. Well, the soldiers alos have to accept some blame. If you were fleeing a country with a group of known criminals wouldn't you at least be on guard?

When you have a spy who is even nerdier than Corey Haims than in Double 00 Kid, you get the feeling that reality has just been jumped by Evel Knievel on a rocket powered jet-cycle...Sparks is the "hero" mainly by default and because everyone else is a murderous nut-job in this movie is at best a dweeb. We have a guy who is convinced he's James Bond but doesn't realize that Maynerd G. Krebs is the Fonz compared to this guy. The numerous voice-overs about how great a spy he is makes it harder to believe. Sparks continually throws himself at Mary, the gun-moll, who unfortunately only shoots him him down in a blaze of disgust rather that in a shower of bullets. He doesn't quite ever seem to grasp the concept she has nothing but contempt for him. By the end, Sparks finally decides to abandon the unreachable girl for the one who is attracted to him. Why she is attracted to secret agent 00-Dweeby is a mystery that is so terrifying that the Necronomicon wouldn't reveal....

Shouldn't a spy actually do something heroic or at the very least something spy-like? Sparks doesn't stop the villain and does a pretty bad job of uncovering the plot. He doesn't kill the monster. He runs off faster than 9th grader of being afraid of getting a swirly from the seniors at high school. If you want to get picky, the creature stops the villains from escaping with the gold and could be said that he avaneges most of the Cuban soldiers that Renzo and the others killed. Though the creature also eliminated a few of the Cubans himself, that normally would mean he should have to be killed to atone for his murders.

Well, a wet suit with plenty of rags that look like the Creature from the Black Lagoon on skid row and a head designed by Larry Buchanan. The monster's head has ping-pong balls for eyes. Other movies have had monsters with ping pong balls for eyes. Somehow, Larry Buchanan almost patented that effect with his ultra-low-budget remake of Corman movies like in Curse of the Swamp Creatures.

It seems sort of strange to see a horror movie connected to Castro taking over Cuba. Sure, there was no real connection. Quite a few movies featured Cuba in the late 50s and early 60s like Errol Flynn's last movie Cuban Rebel Girls or the infamous Red Zone Cuba that MST3K had to endure. I try to leave my personal views on politics out of these reviews for 2 reasons: they have no place in these and my incoherent babbling is funnier thanks to randomly lame jokes. Do you see many movies set in Iraq and Afghanistan in the past few years? Rambo 3 had the greatest movie scene where Rambo takes out an attack helicopter with a bow and arrow and set in Afghanistan even if during in the Soviet occupation. The past few years has had the idea of a Rambo 4 where he returns to Afghanistan for something. That sounds like an incredibly dumb idea but Rocky Balboa is actually about to be released at this point.

Quotable Dialogue
"I had to find Agent XK 1-20 whom I never had met."
"That for instance was the mating call of the Himalayan yak."
"Don't be a drag, baby."
"I'll show you our sorority house."
"They are Cubanarmy frogmen."
"Their attack was criminally executed.
"Renzo wanted another quart of Latin blood."
"You are very sweet if a trifle stupid."
"She pressed her Latin lips against mine."
Morals of the Story
Dweeby guys carry disguise kits with them.
Radio components can be hidden in pickles.
Sea monsters can't live in deep water.
Singers have magical musical accompaniment on the high seas.
Desert island have phones scattered on the beaches.
All women are attracted to undercover spies.
Troops wear their combat medals on their t-shirts.
Spies realize that the setting sun means it is duck.