1998

Extract’s from John Hines's Canal Holiday Diary
Saturday, We make our way in blazing sunshine to the Stag's Head at the Watford Gap for a nice pint of Everards, which became cloudy as the evening wore on, which posed no problem to lain who is out get as much down his throat as possible. He told me he doesn't drink at home so he makes up for it on canal week. As he opens his third packet of cigars I enquire if he smokes at home. His reply is he doesn't smoke -full stop!

Sunday Rain. I can't find my jeans nor my old shoes! Later nine of us take a cross county walk to Welford, where Tom and lain will join us with the boat. The journey takes longer than planned as the farmer has moved the footpath to accommodate his fields of rape. Arriving slightly wet and dishevelled we settle down to some excellent Fuller's Pride at the Shoulder of Mutton, which because of beer's clarity raises a few moans from some cynics. The 3 o'clock closing time passes and eventually we leave at 4. In the boat yard we fill up with water. Steve walks back to the Wharf. Soon John follows, then one by one the others so I thought it rude not to join them. In the evening at the White Lion in North Kilworth I had my first taste of a John O'Connor quiz. Looking around at the sweet young things in the bar the eleven of us looked like a bunch of geriatric grandfathers. One couple got so carried away near closing time that we didn't know if it was expected that we applaud or pass the hat around!

Monday. More rain, Joe mumbles an apology aboutborrowing my jeans! We go up the Foxton flight and have a beer in the Bridge 61. Later we walk around the Heritage trail. The evening meal is cooked by Joe and the Dude and is generously served with a lot of bullshit Ken, the only generous thing about the meal. In the evening in Saddington we watch as the Dude makes a complete prick of himself by buying glasses of vintage port at Ł5 a time which he then drinks with cheese and onion crisps!

Tuesday. Cloudy and a bit nippy. Shopping in Market Harborough for lunch followed by Chilli Con Came cooked by Colin and lain. That night we played skittles in Foxton.

Wednesday. Warmer. More room on the boat as Doc has left, along with a couple of Ron’s racier books. Dude has taken to his sick bed. Lunch time we are back in North Kilworth but without the accompaniment of the children in the pub, as they are back at school. We stroll back to the canal in blazing sunshine and eat an edible packaged meal from Steve and Jake. In the evening the lads watch the Chelsea match in Crick and later I'm introduced to the game of Chase the Ace. Despite the big build up I didn't see much in it myself as there was only one argument, however the after hours drinking was OK.

Thursday. Hot. An excellent breakfast of smoked haddock and poached eggs and fried potatoes as a bonus, a sure winner for the Academy awards. The weather deteriorates as we hit Weedon. The shops and pubs are still closed due to the damage caused by flooding last month. Ron and I are on cooking duties. We finally rustle up a fairly decent Prawn Paella to which we only got the prawns twenty minutes from the first serving, as we were improvising due to provisioning difficulties. A very pleasant evening stroll past the local squire at archery practice in his manor garden at Gayton to the Eykyn Arms and Charles Wells (Dude is still tucked up in bed ). Soon we are playing table skittles, the landlady puts up a prize, cans of Boddingtons for the winners which soon proves to be the Handbags.

Friday Boiling. Ron and I are up early to cook breakfast. The Dude's still resting so we give him bacon sandwiches in bed. We suspect that he has recovered when he asks if Ron has any more reading material and could we get another Boddingtons out of the fridge for him! He has attacked our Skittle prize during the night! At lunchtime we are at the New Inn at Buckby Wharf where we have the Academy award session accompanied by the pub's special offer -Wadworth's 6X at a Ł1 a pint. Feeling a little squiffey after taking advantage (an understatement –ed ) of the pub's special offer, I decide to take the tiller and after a couple of knocks the boat become wedged on the lock sill. In a drunken haze I hear panic around me and the next thing I know is waking up on my bunk a couple of hours later. As we've booked transport, Dude decides to get up for the evening session at Ashby St Ledger for our evening banquet. Some ate wild boar, others slightly aggressive boar. Dude was just a bore but to be fair he kept off the port, which was a bonus. The evening was rounded up by a hair-raising trip back to the boat yard in transport that seemed to have no brakes.

Saturday I found my shoes -they were in another cupboard

1998 Grand Union Canal

the year that Joe and Hinesy returned to the Cut

The 1998 Canal Academy Awards
Best Dressed - Joe for modelling John H’s jeans in a fashion John never could.
Statement - Doc “I always book my leave on the roster, the week before I go on holiday”
Adventurer - Doc for visiting a police station voluntarily with John.
Wind up - Iain for telling John H that he didn’t smoke period
Donald Yule award for the most impact by a non-crew person - Helen, a pretty young thing who isn’t afraid of exposure!
Driver - John Hines for his drunken efforts after consuming lots of Ł1 pints of 6X.
Best carrying out of nominated Duty - Ronnie the whip
Rip Van Winkle - Dude for yet another week’s sickie
Skittler - Joe for his killer 15 score which knocked the stuffing out of the Youngies!
Best dinner -Colin and Iain for Chilli Con Carne with cooked rice (John H please note)
Best breakfast- Jake and Steve’s smoked haddock, boiled eggs and fried potatoes.
Worst Dinner - John & Tom, Chinese stir fry in soy sauce or ‘pot noodles’.
Reading Material Award – Ron -Rattle those chains for Niceboy, the mag for real men!
Special Academy commendations – Ron for his efforts in trying to buy some prawns
The Editor’s ‘Rainbow’ award for stunts committed after the Award Ceremony -John Hines for driving and then getting stuck on the lock cill after taking ample advantage of the Ł1 a pint 6X at the Award Ceremony.
Beer of the week Everards 2nd barrel
Best Pub Eykyn Arms
Worst Pub Crossroads - Weedon
Oldies vs Youngies Skittle Match the Oldies won 4-0 at the Eykyn Arms

Man of the Canals - Ron
Boy of the Canals- Joe
Turd of the Canals - Doc

Sunday at the Wharf, with the boat being filled with water, one by one, those in the picture go back to the pub for a quick pint.....or two

Grand Union Canal, Leicester Main Line, Bridge 61 P.H.
Joe, Jake,Ron,John Hines,John,Colin,Doc and Dude.

Grand Union Canal, Leicester Main Line, Foxton Bottom Lock, Jake, Steve, John, Lock keeper, Dude and Joe, (everybody looks very worried, Ron driving?, especially the Lock Keeper!).

Grand Union Canal, Leicester Main Line, Foxton Flight, Lock 11, (the fashion conscious gentleman with the latest outfit - Latest his first new one for 25 years -Editor

Grand Union Canal, Leicester Main Line Doc and Steve.

John driving through a single lock

Helen, the Navigator's sweetheart for the 1998 trip. Seen here posing in some scanty clothes that hardly fit her, after Doc pinched her other clothes when he left on the Wednesday, After he went the weather improved, which was just as well otherwise she would have caught her death. Helen was last seen hiding in Hinesy's shed

Joe ties off in a double lock and JH looks on wondering if he is going to trip himself up

Grand Union Canal, Leicester Main Line, Joe & Ron (The French Sailor Twins)

Grand Union Canal, Braunston, lock number 5, John (trying to pass himself off as a able seaman)

Grand Union Canal, Leicester Main Line, between bridges 33/34, John H. what can you say, what a glare! and Colin.-(these are Tom's words)

The Academy Awards takes place in blazing sunshine New boy Hinsey is out of it taking advantage of Ł1 a pint 6X.

Ronnie ever the boy wins his first man of the canals after some excellent whipping

Union Canal,John H. reading material destined for his shed

Grand Union Canal, Leicester Main Line, Joe, John and Dude (shall we deny we are any thing to do with this boat?).

Take two chefs from the Navigator number 13 July 1998

unbelievably all of the substance of this article is true, including the shop in the middle of nowhere however, the conversations might not be totally accurate

Hinesey: "What shall we cook for main meal?"
Ron: "I've got this recipe supplement out of one of my magazines, shall we use it ?"
Hinsey: "I'm not sure that's a good idea Ron. it's all right reading magazines found on park benches but I don't advise using the recipes inside them."
Ron: "No silly it's from one of my sister's womans magazines."
Hinsey: "Oh that's all right then. we could win the meal of the week award."
Ron: "Which one shall we do?"
Hinsey: "Lets pick the one with the hardest ingredients to get!"
Ron "How about Prawn Paella?"
Hinsey: "Well the prawns should be particularly difficult to get in Weedon. especially as all the shops are closed due to the recent floods."
Ron "No problem, lets try the local Chinese?"
Ron: "Have you any prawns mate?"
Mr Lin: "Res I havee rots of plawn wishes, lich won do you vant?
Ron "Just prawns"
Mr Lin: "What won. plawn clackers, plawn oodles, plawn chow mien or any of de udder plawn wishes on de menu?"
Ron: "Just raw prawns -we want to cook them."
Mr Lin: "You don't likee my cooking?"
Ron: "1 just prefer mine."
Mr Lin: "You fuckee off and don't come the raw plawn?"
                                                                                         later
Hinesey: "How did you get on?"
Ron: "Not much luck I'm afraid, lets go for a drink, preferably in a pub with a restaurant."
Ron: "Two pints of Marstons and a kilo of raw prawns please?"
Barman: "We don't do raw prawns on Thursdays sir, how about a battered squid?"
Ron: "Is it raw?"
Barman: "The name would indicate it wasn't sir. Either it has be given a darn good thrashing or it's been coated in an egg, flour and milk mixture and cooked in boiling hot oil."
Ron: "1 only asked. Have you any prawns in your freezer?"
Barman: "Yes sir?"
Ron: "Can I buy some then."
Barman: "I'm sorry sir, they come in 20 Kilo packs and there's none defrosted."
Ron " All right can I have six packets of crisps then."
Barman "Any prawn flavoured ones?"
Ron: "No we don't like them."
                                                                                        later
Hinsey: "We'll just have to substitute the left over packets of smoked haddock from breakfast."
Ron: "It won't be a prawn Paella then."
Hinsey: "Easy we'll call smoked haddock Paella."
Ron: "You chaps from Oswestry are jolly clever."
Hinsey: "Look Ron. the boat's going by a shop in the middle of nowhere."
Ron "I'll just pop out and see it they have any prawns."
Ron: "Good day madam, do you have any prawns?"
Shop lady "Yes sir, we have Scottish Orkney prawns, Dutch freshwater, frozen Mediterranean, Norwegian short tail, Dublin Bay and Cape Cod prawns. King Prawns from Thailand, Caribbean Long tailed prawns, Tiger Prawns from Australia and the special, Cape squid prawns flown in today. "
Ron: "Oh"
Hinsey: "I see you're back empty handed, no luck then?"
Ron "What type of prawns do you want?"
Hinsey: "What do you mean what type, I just want raw prawns."
Ron "Don’t come the raw prawn with me, what type do you want? They have Dutch, Cap Cod, Mediterranean, Norwegian, Irish, Scottish and South African, Caribbean, Australian and Thai.
Hinsey: "Don't take the piss."
Ron: "I'm not."
Hinsey: "You'll have to cut down on the lunch time drinking? Just get some prawns!"
Ron:"Can I have the cheapest prawns please."
Shop lady "I don't know why I bother!"
Ron "We can't call it smoked haddock Paella now since we have prawns."
Hinsey: "Lets call it smoked haddock Paella with prawns."
Ron "Gosh, what a good idea"
Hinsey:"Well it's 5 minutes to serving time so I'll better put on the rice."
Ron "Doesn't it take longer than five minutes to cook rice?"
Hinsey: "Not if it's called crunchy rice."
Ron "Woow I'm glad cooked with you John"