Friday
We drive to the west country in the rain and all bar one of us meet up in the Wheelwright in Monkton Combe and after the first wind-ups, we are taken back by the 2pm closing time. Tom, who is suffering from botty problems brought about by staying the night at chez Les, is given Iain’s car keys with the instructions to remove everything from his car onto the boat, whilst he goes with the shopping crew. We are told that the large boat can’t get down the arm where the boat yard is so we have to put all the luggage and food on the smaller boat and drive up to the junction. Just as we are going Iain checks the luggage and finds that Tom has left his suitcase in his car. Tom’s retort being “who would take a suitcase on a narrow boat.” During all this palaver we have heard nothing from the Doc except a couple of cryptic messages that he was on his way. A further call followed at 4pm that he was now in Bath. The boat people wanted to get shot of us as it was raining and as we could give them no time when the Doc would deign to put an appearance – they gave us our instructions and left us to wait and wait for himself to arrive. Which he did eventually after 5pm. Iain meanwhile who had claimed the converted double bed on the non-cooking boat stowed his suitcase along with 2 stools under the made up bed and started to build what was later know as Paterson Towers. Joe and Ron were busy chopping up vegetables and others goodies to go into the Spag Bol and were just about to put the pasta into the hot water when Ron holding a packet of the stuff, came out with the first quote of the week – “What’s this spaghetti for?” During the meal we had the 2nd quote when Maria rang on John’s mobile asking “how is my Tommy’s botty?” We then went into Bath accompanied by very heavy rain. The first pub, the Salamander was very crowded and eight of us moved onto the Bell. Either way both groups got into a new pub sport – beer spilling Les, RonK and John H all made impressive efforts giving others a good soaking. Steve later showed he hadn’t mastered the knack as he spilt it over himself. On the way back to the boat Jake gave an ominous portent of what was to come by making the mistake of following Doc, who got lost, leading the crew on a long diversion. Dude, however, being SAS trained made the correct turn as well as calling a lagging JOC back from Jake’s group.
Saturday
We woke up to Rain and evidence of a midnight feast in Paterson Towers. After questioning it appeared that Iain had a private food party with only himself present. We decided not to risk a trip on the river Avon so we turned round, the two Johns demonstrating contrasting methods. With John and Dude driving it wasn’t long before they had hit boats on the way back to Bradford on Avon. Dude and Doc, not happy with the shops in the town, took a taxi to Trowbridge and asked the driver to wait whilst they brought four kidneys. We watched the Cup Final and when people kept coming in with Tesco carrier bags we asked them where the supermarket was, we were told about 5 minutes away. When John H and Iain went back to cook the guvnor brought out two huge platters of hotdogs, fried onions and chicken wings…. Well what could we do. At the end of the match 7 went back to the boats whilst 4 stayed and finished their beer. When we got to the lock a boat was just passing out so JOC and Joe held the gates open, looking round for any of the 7 to appear with lock keys. The 7 duly appeared, along with the two cooks but all on the two boats with all the lock keys in the lock. The hour of Navigating Shame had begun. When we sorted ourselves out we cruised along to the bridge where the Beehive was. JOC spotted a likely mooring spot and got the back of the boat stuck. After a while it was eventually freed only for it to be completely stuck again because of another attempt by JOC to moor. This time it was fast and despite the assistance of the crew of a boat moored in front and Tom’s boat trying to pull us of in reverse nothing happened except the decibel level increasing as more and more instructions we shouted out by more and more people. A highlight being Tom trying to pull the boat off using reverse whilst Joe had the boat’s engine in forward. All this activity was noted by the owner of the Dudley Castle, a plastic boat moored just the other side of the bridge. He was duly on hand to make sure nothing untoward happened to his boat. Unfortunately Joe and Steve had other ideas and when Joe hit the other bank and was reversing back so close to the boat that Steve had to fend it off – to which the owner tried to pull him over. The were then some verbal exchanges one being the owner being told to get a life. On hindsight this was very unfair as he was only trying to protect his present one. The final embarrassment being John telling Steve he couldn’t park and pointing to the sign on the bank “no fishing”. Iain and JohnH’s meal was an anticlimax after all this, both believed the food in the pub was a wind-up, until the left-overs began to pile up. We followed this with a nice evening in the Beehive.
Sunday
We wake to an unpleasant smell in the Paterson Towers area - the toilet is blocked. Whilst most of us are eating breakie on the other boat Les is doing some sterling work with a mooring spike on the blockage as the boat is being given a pump out. RonB, having been charged £2 per boat for water, is conned into buying smellies to put into the toilet but which the signs in it tell us we can’t use. Tom comes up with a solution: RonB can drink the stuff first. We lunch at the Barge Inn at Seend Cleeve. In the afternoon we pick up some kids and force them to come for a ride and pose for photos. We get to the foot of Devizes locks to late to enter. We amuse ourselves despite Iain’s protestations by sliding back the sunroof over Paterson Towers. In the evening we walk up to the George and Dragon in Rowde where we met SPBW Chairman Chris Callow who brought drinks all round as well as handing out Uncle Joe’s mint balls. The guvnor took us down to his cellar where there seemed to be an extension of the Bakerloo line. One of the locals told us about his forthcoming trip to Sark which left us all gobsmacked. Whilst drinking the excellent Archer’s Best the subject somehow got round to how the Pet Shop Boys got their name. A surreal night which Dude missed, as he was still recovering from having to rush his cooking efforts to ensure we got to Rowde before closing time.
Monday
Up the Caen flight of locks. RonB gets his Navigator badge for lockwork. During a sudden shower a family of swans enter the lock after our boats have vacated it. A local appears to tell us to let the birds through the lock – they’re on their way to the Black Horse for lunch! Our lunchtime is in Devizes and we scatter in search of cash points and shops. Whilst shopping, Cat and JOC come across Les and a clearly disturbed RonB. Les explains that they have just come out of the Oxfam shop where Les had brought a colourful bra. Les seemed very pleased with his purchase whilst RonB’s mood picked up when he was told that the experience would count towards his Navigator Shopping Badge. We drink excellent beer in the British Lion but on the way back encounter very heavy rain. In a break Tom shoots off 180 degrees in the wrong direction despite our protestations of his error, with his new waterproof map case- who could stop him. Back on board JOC made a complete hash of throwing the rope to the other boat at the water point, after two nancy throws the third one landed on the boat but unfortunately it had detached from the cleat point. Not to be outdone Dude threw the water-cap and the key over the side. Doc and JOC then just managed to scramble back on their boat as Steve stormed off on his own into the pouring rain. Dinner was an excellent effort by Les and RonB; the latter was clearly after his Cooking Badge. When we arrived at the bridge mooring spot for the Coate who should we find but Lord Paterson who had walked on ahead after telling Jake and Tom. A shame he didn’t tell the cooks. Steve was soon off to the New Inn followed by Cat and John but there was no sight of Ronnie – strange as he doesn’t like to miss out on a drink. The reason why was Steve for the second time at this place had gone the wrong way, this time he was only 90 degrees out going east instead of south. As they returned to the cross roads who should join them but that intrepid drinker and shrewd traveller Ronnie Kirkman. The skittles match against Coate Branch was a great evening enlivened by Jake doing a Di Canio by whipping his shirt off after scoring an 8. Les went one better and whipped his shirt off to reveal his bra from Devizes…… earlier JOC and he were arranging this wheeze in the gents when they had to dodge into the wc together when someone came in! After being beaten in the first two games there was a vast improvement during the beer match. Hines scoring a super 9 w still lost all three games. Joe stayed on board and missed the fun, the excellent food, the photos as well as the horrible smells caused mainly it was thought by Les’s couscus – or that was what JOC maintained after letting off an evil eye waterer. Some 7 lucky souls were lucky enough to get a lift back in the pub’s people carrier. Those on the Tern decided to have a bonding session in Paterson Towers into the night so as to keep him up and away from the food.
Tuesday
After the other boat moved off with Les and RonB on board as cooks the Tern crew were treated to the first voluntary immersion for 28 years when Doc thought about going in after the mooring spike he had just lobbed into the canal next to the boat. JOC and Steve eagerly encouraged him and advised him to remove his jeans and trainers, which he was going to wear in. This wasn’t because they were concerned for his clothing but because they had spied some stinging nettles on the bank. Doc’s brave effort, captured forever in five photographs was a failure as the spike was too deep to be recovered. As Steve had already put a boat pole in to check the depth in front of Doc one wonders what is resting between his ears. More of JOC’s driving antics were observed when all jumped his ship at the turning point at Honey Street leaving JOC to execute an excellent turn and perfect hit between the fenders on a moored plastic boat in a boatyard despite the frantic attempts of the boatyard owner to stop it. Iain it should be mentioned was on board and was asked to go to the front in plenty of time to fend off the front, he later said he needed to go to the lavatory. The Barge Inn had some interesting pictures of crop circles which prompted the debate on why aliens would travel half way across the universe to make patterns in fields and what happened when they arrived in winter. In the afternoon everyone was treated to JOC’s canal speciality - pies this year instead of marinating them in the canal he burnt the crust on a couple of the first sittings. In the evening it was back to Devizes where mooring was very limited – the area was being tarted up for the visit of Prince Charles a day or two later. We returned to the British Lion to be entertained by Doc’s prospective girlfriend Maureen. Les later in the evening on being told of a former moll that Cat picked up in the same pub four years ago was a Belgium replied “Was she local?” We had a Quiz in which Dude starred for his side by getting all his questions right, unfortunately Cat who was also on his side persisted in trying to do his best to lose the match, on one occasion shamelessly plugging his recent no 8 top ten hit’s B side House of the Rising Sun. There was a ladies’ darts match in the pub and a few hung on for some left over sandwiches, desperate for some decent food. Iain however had his own supply back at the Towers
Wednesday
Up early and down the Caen flight in 2 hours and the whole of the Devizes 29 locks in 3hours 40 minutes helped by Cat and John providing an undisruptive meal of kippers which was later voted worst breakfast. It’s back to Seend Cleeve for lunch drinks, with evidence of some flagging in the imbibing department. More rain and to cap it all a lamb curry with very little meat in it. We return to the Beehive in the evening where we met Geoff Martin, another old lag from BT. A few of us desperately – but successfully – try to reserve a couple of tables while the others visit Bradford on Avon town centre. An otherwise convivial evening was marred by JOC’s incessant moaning about the dinner, a fruitless attempt to influence the next day’s voting.
Thursday
The day began with a pump out for the Keynsham, with the bonus of also getting a shiny new water cap. After a night of squalor on the boat, along with the lurid tales of our cooking, Geoff declined breakfast and hurried back to civilisation. The second breakfast sitting claimed a record by receiving their meal after 12 in yet another of Tom’s slow efforts. On to the Cross Guns at Avoncliffe for the Academy Awards where JOC and Les slugged it out for the Gold with Doc settling for “Turd of the Canals”. A leisurely drive to Limply Stoke followed with Les doing his usual ‘use up left overs’ snack. While we’re packing for the morning Steve shamelessly returns the Keynsham’s long-lost BW key which has been stuck in his coat pocket. The pub and the surrounding countryside and railway being the setting for the film the Titchfield Thunderbolt. We strolled through the rain to the Hop Pole for our final meal (best!- Jake wrote this bit Les and RonB, the ungrateful bastard and one of the perpetrators of the meatless lamb curry) and drinks of the trip
Friday
RonB decides its time to go in for his Tea making badge, First he mistakes a couple of Cat’s blackcurrant bracers for ordinary T bags. Then when this is rectified he puts some milk in Cat’s cup. Then he finds he had only one T bag. When we agree on coffee, he makes JOC’s white. No badge this year Ron I’m afraid. Whilst packing Cat and JOC find a lagged water tank under Cat’s bed, on closer inspection the thermostat was found to be set to very low temperature, hence the tepid showers that the crew had to endure all week due to the useless engineering officer Steve. The last mile back to the junction at Dundas Aqueduct where we do the reverse luggage handover. The Tern is steered back to the boatyard and unpacked, and everyone says the traditional farewells and scatter, leaving JOC and co to hand back to the boatyard owner, who seem very relaxed about everything. And so ends another successful canal week. |
