Recollections of the New Year Dinner 1980
by John O'Connor
Following the meal Mick McHugh rose to give the Toast got the evening off to a flying start by only over-running by 20 minutes. One of McHugh' s quicker days. Mad Mitch kicked off the entertainment with a spirited attempt to swallow the microphone whilst cleaning his nails on his teeth -but his efforts seemed childish compared to the splendid acts that were to follow. The Black Shadow did a turn, but the find of the evening was the Lame Lay Preacher from Kiwi land. It was a pity that Ozzie could not emulate his brother in telling nice clean jokes. The Treasurer recited a touching ditty, which upset some of the membership who formed the impression that his moving tale was his way of taking the piss out of them. It was after this that things started to go wrong. Kellogs the evening’s compere made not the last mistake of the evening by introducing Jimmy "The Bottle" Curran who actually told the 'Ambulance/ Somewhere Over the rainbow' joke all the way through…..whilst sinking his third bottle of Soave. Things then got worse. Stacey, without Annie to hold his drinking hand, was imbibing at a furious pace, till he was more pissed than the rest of the Branch put together (Jimmy at this point could not be considered as a member of the human race, let alone a Branch member). Steve, feeling playful and possibly lonely even though Joe was holding his other hand, decided to ruin all the remaining acts by being boorish and refusing to do a piece himself (ever faithful to Annie). The Branch seethed with indignation at his behaviour but unknown to them, he had teamed up with Merv (the Guv) for the "Football Sketch". How the Branch applauded when Merv opened the scene holding up a red card and Steve staggered to his feet, put on his coat and left. What a performance. But the show had to go on and that's what Bill did, on and on. Spider then gave a public demonstration of his love for someone whom he held dear but as this was before Stacey’s exit, we weren’t too sure who this unfortunate lady was. Jake rescued the flagging show by starting a new trend for joke- tellers by being a complete one himself. Each bit of the joke was drunkenly acted out, giving an audio/visual display. And what a display! Now it was all-downhill. The compere was so pissed that when he came to do his “spot", all he could mutter to the audience through the unplugged microphone was "she whipped him and she whipped him". After the twenty-fifth repeat even Jimmy Curran got bored, and rejuvenated a drowsy membership with a martial arts display ending up with a strangulation hold on Unwin. This brought the audience to their feet and Spider to his knees. As Kellogs was being prised from the mike, Ozzie, being an old trooper, stepped in to entertain, whilst the last act set up their equipment. Kellogs, still muttering about whips, was placed in the affectionate arms of Cath. Joe being jealous and without Steve to turn to, stormed off in a huff. Even in his jealous state he must have known something for when the strains of Allouette had finished Tony Herbert's String and Teeth Quartet started playing. All in vain as it happened as Jim Curran's brain was now completely pickled and ceased to be a functioning unit two hours previously. To say he missed his cue would be an understatement; he missed the floor as well as his guitar. After an attempt to ram the mike stand up his jumper to keep him from falling over, his colleagues abandoned him to his vino. As he was a key member of the group, this left a hole that was filled by Merv pulling the plugs out and saving what was left of the audience's sanity. From under one of their tables, a voice was heard to say, "Not, much Rock but plenty Roll". |
