2005- Llangollen Canal
Delegates gather for the 2005 Academy Awards Ceremony. Voting was close with 3 candidates head and shoulders above the others. Dude for his antics in ‘Hells Kitchen’. John Hines who despite being turned down for a bit of rumpy pumpy by his missus still managed to figure highly in many of the notable incidents and finally the old stalwart Rocket Ronnie.
Jake couldn’t bear to be parted with the Cup he won as Captain of the Quiz team, so took it on the trip with him; He was seen one night after the pub dancing with it to Steve’s Irish Music on the boat! The Cup is pictured between the Man and Boy of the Canal trophies in a 'ménage a tois' in Jake’s bed.
Saturday
Eleven of us turn up as expected (Doc had said he’d be a late arrival) and congregate in the clubhouse by the marina in Chirk. The missing person is Cat; who made the mistake of taking a shower, waiting for a delayed tube train and not checking the soundness of his boots. The said boots decided to fall apart on the escalator when he was running for his train at Euston. These delays resulted in his train to Crewe having gone without him he had to pay over the odds for a replacement ticket and take three trains to Chirk. Fortified by a pint of Hydes he arrived just as we were on the way to take over our boats. The clubhouse had one hand pump, covered with a towel. Although we were told that the beer (London Pride) was not quite ready we insisted we try it and it was not too bad. By the time we had finished with there wasn’t too much to worry about anyway.
Having got all the gear and shopping on board, a few of the crew returned to the clubhouse to watch the FA Cup Final (the result of which need not be recorded here). When the boats got going Steve and Cat decided to walk over Whitehouse tunnel and got the lost – according to Steve, the footpath went in the right direction while the canal changed course. Meanwhile, Joe and Jake surprised the crew by serving up an O’Connor-style menu of Irish pies and vegetables followed by afters of pineapple and broccoli. By now we had stopped for the night in Froncyssylte and Doc arrived, having parked down the road. He was followed by the errant walkers and the footy watchers. After dinner we drifted in ones and twos into the village and made for the Aqueduct Inn, where Marstons Pedigree and Adnams Regatta was the beer choice. An 18th birthday party was taking place in the main bar so we took refuge in the smaller back bar. No one notice a key member missing (Ron K) It transpired Joe had locked him in the boat. When Joe was told on his mobile what he’d done, he shrugged his shoulders, ordered a pint and drank most of it and then strolled out to effect a rescue. Eventually all of us were reunited. We got chatting to some of the locals including a young (?) lady (??) named Sue. When she left she gave us all a farewell kiss spoilt only by Cat and Ron K lipping her. We then enjoyed our first afters of the trip, which Ron K took to heart when he left and did Robert  Pires dives down the pub stairs.
Sunday
Those on the Rosa wake to find Jake and Tom discussing front loo which seems broken, Jake’s early morning dump having had a drastic effect on the plumbing. Soon afterwards we find that Joe seems to have broken the back loo. Outside it was a sunny start as we crossed the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct. The dodgy toilets were counteracted by wild garlic smells along route to Llangollen. We reached the town just before noon and we arranged to meet at the Sun Inn. The advance party reached the pub only to find that it didn’t open until three. Instead we spent the lunch session in the Corn Mill, a pub converted from a corn mill in a delightful riverside location. A good range of beers if not very cheap. In the pub Doc encountered 3 ladies. Urged to take his chances with the one that fancies him Doc says “I haven’t brought my condoms with me.” When they persist with another attempt to attract him by walking pointedly by the pub window, Doc’s verbal response to our efforts to get him involved by going outside to help them with their shopping was, “it might rain”. Again we were one Navigator short, this time it was Tom. It transpired no one had his mobile phone number, when he eventually turned up (claiming to have looked for us in every pub in town) it turned out that he didn’t know either. During the course of the session Iain tipped a pint over. We stayed in town for meal of pasta (on the boat) and Iain entertained us by spilling the cooks well earned wine over. Colin needless to say was very happy with this development as it keep his head clear to stop Ron setting fire to the kitchen after lighting the kitchen roll over one of the lit gas rinks. For the bearded sandal wearing Navigators our choice of the Sun for our evening turned out to be a hit as they were having their inaugural Folk evening. Iain amused himself by turning his hand to destroying candles and setting off smoke alarms, obviously upset that Ron had tried to upstage him. The Guv'nor of pub wasn’t expecting a big crowd as he sent home the barmaid early and complained that he put a new barrel of Shropshire Gold on that evening and we drank it all. We sneaked a look at Doc’s diary entry for that day and it read: “Nearly pulled except for the inclement weather”. Meanwhile on Steve’s boat the folk music inspired him to play some dodgy Irish music which Jake found he could dance to with his Quiz winners Cup. As the crew left for the bunks Jake was left trying to find out how to turn off the CD player, while the rest of the crew got their heads down. He then tried to find out if CDs float in canals.
Monday
Another sunny crossing of the magnificent the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct  we went back to boatyard to get loos fixed, JH decided to wind up Steve who was driving the other boat by backing the boat into the boatyard to moor up. His windup was slightly overshadowed by him later letting go of a rope that effectively left both boats at the mercy of the strong wind and the sniggering of the boatyard staff. Our lunchtime was in Chirk and pints of Hydes at £1.95 a pint. Cat was noted stating “ You couldn’t get an ounce of skunk up your arse” during one conversation. Leaving Chirk town we went through Chirk tunnel and then the aqueduct. Halfway along the narrow parapet on the non-towpath side we saw a small sign indicating ‘no walking’. In the afternoon the cooks were subjected to an impressive display of driving by Doc, who managed to nearly push another boat over a weir, run another aground and hit two bridges full on. This resulted in various injuries include a burn on JOC’s arm whilst turning the roast spuds. However this does not excuse JOC’s wobbly when dinner is ready and he finds out his prospective diners are either walking ahead to the next lock; walking somewhere else; having a pint in a pub we passed an hour ago. Monday evening whilst waiting for the other boat to moor John O and Ron B watched a young lady pass Ken having a pee. She was wearing fishnet tights, high heels and little else, when John said to her that the stilettos were unsuitable for the towpath, her reply with a smile and a twinkle in her eye was “I’m used to it”. Which seemed very appropriate as she slipped into the dilapidated boat about 50 yards further on! That night in the Jack Lytton we met Ruth, June, Pete and Joe Day and later Robyn and Jan and Jim White. During the evening John H invited Ruth back to see the boats, Ruth seeing through this ploy turned him down, to which John pleaded saying if she did he would get man of the Canals. Jim brought a lot of old canal trip photos along which included JOC having his privates shaved prior to his wedding. The guv'nor seemed to get shirty near closing time, which Ruth explained might be down to her showing the JOC barber photos which didn’t impress him and later Tom confessed that as we pushing the boundaries he asked him to top his pint up. The Guv’nor was a miserable git all round; you’d have thought he would be fairly happy to have a bonus 20 customers on an otherwise very quiet night. Pub was mostly geared to eating but there were 4 beers on, including the dangerously drinkable Summer Lightning.   
Tuesday
The Day started with the worst weather of the week, a couple of hours rain and high winds, those with any sense stayed put in their bunks and listened to the rain lash the drivers. The wind, plus this is a very busy, shallow canal and all the bridges seem to be built on bends, made for some interesting navigating. Tom was up early, showered and onto other boat to cook breakfast, then ordered first sitting to be seated way in advance to ensure they are there for the meal. Needless to say nothing turned up on their plates for an hour or so. After watering Joe and Steve go into Ellesmere. Meanwhile there is a Navigating Change of plans and Welshampton is struck off the lunchtime stopping place. After a 7-hour run we stop for lunchtime at the Waggonners Inn at Platt Lane. Shropshire Gold and Old Wharf bitter the main attractions here, well also the young friendly barmaid. Having perused a certain daily newspaper, Ken announced: “In 50 years England will be a Muslim state – but I don’t care as I will be dead.”  While we absorbed this knowledge, we found out that the cooking boat had come loose from its moorings and was blocking the canal. This news came via Joe and Steve who finally turned up and also reported the beer wasn’t up to much at the planned stop, so one up to Jake for a good substitution and making the walkers walk miles. Meanwhile the cookers who passed the walkers had returned to the boat and we receive a text fro Iain on the boat saying it was JH failure that had caused the problem with the mooring. It transpired that the sneak had sent the text whilst Hinsey was busy preparing what turned out to be the meal of the week. In the evening we negotiated the staircase locks at Grindley Brook before mooring and heading for the Horse and Jockey. Obviously newly renovated, this was a bit of a barn of a place but Jennings Cumberland was on tap (for a while at least). Steve got some food and then it was quiz time! Ronnie B’s smart arses beat Dudley Dude’s Duffers, the pivotal moment being when Tom, despite working with trucks couldn’t work out what DERV means. Can anyone remember?
Wednesday
Overcast but no rain. We reach Wrenbury, our furthest point east, quite early but there is quite a long process of turning the boats round and filling with water. In the meantime Colin takes a part time job as lift bridge operator. Later, in the mooring process, Dude loses the boat hook over the side. We went into the Cotton Arms for lunch and a sauna as the barman seemed to have a goal in life to deplete the UK coal stocks by the end of the week. Every time the blaze began to die down more coal was piled on the fire, not bad for winter but  in late May? The beers were from the new and nearby Woodlands brewery, once the bar staff got it sorted. Also in the pub were the three Lincoln City supporters we’d met working through the locks that morning. In the evening watched by most Navigators, who could see what was about to happen Dude whilst dragging the boat by the front rope along to park took another boat’s TV aerial off.  Meanwhile for the evening meal Tom tried a new idea to deflect any potential critism of his cooking – new porn, which appeared to have been delivered to a mystery buyer with membership number 51734 was spread about the dining area. That evening we spent in the Willey Moor Lock Tavern, a converted lock keeper’s cottage. Six beers on including Bitter & Twisted (while it lasted). The pub was a bit cramped until Colin persuaded mine host to open the large side room. This was the venue for another quiz night, this one going to extra time, golden goal and then penalties until JOC got the result he desired. Talking of which, this was the night of the Euro cup final. We had to miss this classic encounter, as the only TV in the pub was a portable job behind the bar. Iain and Ken snuck back to watch the game on the boat but the pub TV was switched on so we could watch the end of the penalty shoot out.
Earlier we had made arrangements for the final evening. JH had booked a minibus to Llangollen but failed to secure a booking in the Corn Mill restaurant. JOC had a go and blagged the booking with a combination of a) smarminess and b) lies.
Boy of the Canals  Ken O’Brien
Statement Award -Ken “In 50 years England will be a Muslim County – but I don’t care as I will be dead”.
Playing to the Crowd Award – Obvious to all except Ken, when mooring he walked the boat with the front rope and demolished the aerial on an innocent bystanders boat.
Most consistent cook Award –Ken for his continued Kitchen tantrums
Reading Material Award – The owner of the books belonging to membership number 51734, Mr Ken O’Brien.
The Editor’s ‘Rainbow’ award for stunts committed after the Award Ceremony – Dude for doing a Ron and getting himself locked in the boat at the boatyard whilst the rest of the crews were on the coach waiting to go to Llangollen
Mills and Boom award for lovers – Jake and his Quiz leaque Cup
The stars of Hell’s Kitchen.presenting Dude with the ‘Boy of the Canal’ trophy
St Peter’s denial award – Iain for trying to blame John H for the mooring spike coming out by texting the drinkers in the pub whilst he and John were preparing dinner on the boat
Best carrying out of nominated Duty Award –Lift Bridge Operator First Class Colin Donald - pictured operating the Road Bridge at Wrenbury and below the lift bridge at Froncyssylte
Special Academy commendations – To the Doc and John H for trying to make Dude’s Statement come true, Doc for bringing his ‘Call to Prayer Clock’ and John H for using the Daily Rage as a Prayer Mat.
Beer of the week Shropshire Gold
Best Pub of the week Sun in Llangollen
The Big Match - Ronnie B’s Boys win after 4 replays, extra time, Golden Goal and a Penalty shoot out to beat Steve Treacy and Co at the Willey Moor Lock.
Ron B presenting Hinsey’s Turd of the Canals Award
Turd of the Canals John Hines
Adventurer Award –John H for letting go of the rope in the boatyard and sending both boats on a windy adventure.
True Confession of the Week Award - John H to Ruth please come back to the boat with me, I’ll get Man of the Canal if you do?
Wind up Award – John H for Winding up Steve on the other boat by getting Iain to back the boat into the boatyard to moor up.
"Hello Boys" Award –John H inviting Ruth back to see his boat.
John and Doc pose with the famous Prayer Clock which was presented to Ruth Hines in recognition for her efforts in winning the Donald Yule Award. Under the clock is the  Harry Lime or Turd of the Canals Award
Farsighted award – Tom for not telling anyone his mobile number and for him not knowing it either. Pictured reading up on his mobile phone handbook to find out how to obtain your mobile number, whilst Cat walks on the bank in the distance
JOC presenting Ruth Hines's award to her hubby for the most impact by a non-crew person.
Clearly the anticipation of the Academy build up has exhausted our master chef from Hell’s Kitchen.
Foul emission Award – Ruth Hines for waving a picture in front of her face and when asked if she had farted, said she was drying the picture as she had spilt beer on it.
Donald Yule award for the most impact by a non-crew person – Ruth Hines for not farting, not going back to the boat with JohnH and showing the JOC barber photos to the Pub Guv’nor which did not help our chances of ‘afters’.
Joe pictured again on his bunk, reading a book to keep himself awake
Rip Van Winkle Award – Joe for his lunchtime sleep on Thursday and nearly being locked in by Tom
Sisyphus Award for the most pointless exercise – Joe and trying to fix the toilet buttons
Delinquent(s) of the week – Doc and Dude the chefs from hell cooking breakfast on Friday in Hell’s Kitchen
Best breakfast Award – Doc and Dudes Hell Kitchen breakfast that went on and on
The Admiral and the super cooks from Hell’s Kitchen take a breather whilst crossing the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct
Man of the Canals Ron Kirkman
Lifetime Achievement Award   Ron Kirkman The Invisible Man or Dave Gee Award – Ron tapping on the window of a locked boat
Best Dressed Award - Ron K in his check trousers and casual white shoes.
Coward Award – Ron K for being scared of the Aqueduct pub and its beer, so hid in the boat and allowed himself to be locked in.
Skittler Award – Ron K for skitting down the steps of the Aqueduct after closing time.
Dereliction of Duty Award – Ron the whip Manager for allowing himself to be locked in
Ron being presented with the Man of the Canals Award by Steve,and a Lifetime Achievement Award (or more likely a new toy for his bath). Despite the prestigious nature of the event, Ron declined to wear his new canal gear
Driver Award - Doc, who managed to nearly push another boat over a weir, run another aground and hit two bridges full on, one resulting in a bad burn to JOC who was turning the roast potatoes in the Kitchen.Pictured showing off by not using his hands at Wrenbury
Cat pictured preparing his share of one of the joint worst dinners.
Ron and Colin dish up breakfast on Sunday morning, note the team working unlike Dude and Doc’s effort later in the week. Also note that John Hines hasn’t got his bowl of cereal over his lap
Best dinner Award John H and Iain’s Chicken with text.
Worst breakfast Award – Tom and Ron B’s Kippers with everything, a not to be forgotten sight of seeing Kippers swimming in beans and tomatoes
For the most improved Cook Award – Joe and Jake for making Pies a meal anyone can cook
In the Jack Lytton,(Mad Jacks)  various pictures of the crew with our visitors Ruth, June, Pete,Joe, Jan and Jim.In the one picture John turns his back on Ruth after she refuses to help him win Man of the Canals
Worst Dinner Award – Tom and Cat’s Pasta repeat and Colin and Ron for leaving them the means to do it
Froncyssylte our first nights stop. Tom poses on the towpath, if you look closely you can see a trapped Ron anxiously tapping on the window!
It makes you proud to be a Navigator, Ron resplendent in his new Canal Trousers and shoes shows his pupils how driving should be done
Cotton Arms at Wrenbury, an excited Colin explains how to operate Road lift bridges. Dude clearly isn’t interested as he avidly reads the Society Guardian’s Gordon Ramsey Kitchen Behaviour column.This photo was must have been taken early, as the sauna heat of the blazing fire hasn’t forced the whole crew to strip down to their t-shirts. Right Ron shows how effective his underarm deodorant is despite the extreme temperature in the Cotton Arms
On Sunday morning as we entered Llangollen this duck landed on the boat walked down to our end slipped a few times and then ended up next to Colin. Later in the week we had a flying Swan that raced Jakes boat under a bridge.
At least Cat pulled at the Corn Mill in Llangollen, this fine female specimen was outside when we left after our Friday meal.
A lovely sunny afternoon, a nice setting with the Kate driven by Jake emerging from the Chirk Tunnel followed by another two boats. No hint of the mayhem the driver from Bromley by Bow was about to cause………Action outside Chirk Tunnel. Joe, Iain and John H on the boat on the right wait for a boat to cross the Chirk Aqueduct. Meanwhile Jake attempted to overtake, thinking the boat on the far left was the one they were waiting for, only to see another boat on the aqueduct and now is reversing like mad. Soon he will see there is a boat up his arse, forced there by a boat coming out of the tunnel. Panic sets in plus a breeze that blows his cap off. Below a few seconds later, not to be fazed he manages to save the cap and only sink one narrow boat.
Sunday Morning and we set off across the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct.The view of the sheer drop over the side. Steve gets his driving stint in early driving across the magnificent Pontcysyllte Aqueduct on monday morning. 
Tom driving the Kate as we turn up the feeder arm to Llangollen, Sunday Morning
Steve seeing its pasta again on the other boat makes himself that old standby a cheese sandwich
Monday Morning Pit stop in Chirk Marina to sort out the loos on the Kate. Note the ripples on the water. To experienced Navigators this means a strong wind. But this to this year’s ‘Turd’, the strong wind was ignored as Hinsey let go a rope that condemned both boats to the mercy of the elements as they were blown across the Marina, to the amusement of the staff and the profanities of the crews as they struggled to manoeuvre the boats towards the entrance.
The recently elected ‘Turd’ crossing the Chirk Aqueduct on Friday afternoon
Iain in the Chirk Tunnel
Friday afternoon and Steve seeing the cameras out, takes over the helm for the second time in the week to makes 47 forward and reversing efforts that only used up 15 gallons of diesel to moor the Kate.
A impressive advertisement for a canal boat holiday, Cat makes good use of all the sunshine on Friday to top up his tan
Hands in pockets – Doc stands by to assist mooring Kate. Ron clearly has his mind on the pub as he waits to get off
Dude takes tea and contemplates the drop off  the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct
Friday, coming back over the Chirk Aqeduct, with the Railway Viaduct in the background. JOC shows off the damage done to him by drivers of the Rosa when he was in the galley. The burn on his elbow caused by the crazed Doc on Monday, when he won the Driver Award and the bruises to his abdomen caused by Colin on Thursday morning whilst John was cooking breakfast. What's a bridge or two between friends
There she blows. Dude once again gets it all wrong by looking for Whales when her hears someone says there’s Wales
Iain prepares for the difficult exit he has set himself from the Lion Quays the Academy Award venue
Jake wearing his waterproofs in the sunshine
The Academy Awards Venue, showing the boat mooring area
Ppost card from Ruth thanking Dude for letting her have his ‘prayer clock’
Ronnie B hard at preparation for his evening cooking duties as the boat goes through the Chirk Tunnel
The shadow of the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct on the football pitch below, Ronnie B’s effort for Cultural picy of the Week
More poor driving from the crew of the Rosa knowing the Academy Awards are over for another year
The cooks with the crew of the Rosa at Chick Aqueduct. Dude was only there to help John and Ron drink the wine and beer they were using in the 'preparation' of the meal
Iain prepares for the difficult exit he has set himself from the Lion Quays the Academy Award venue
Thursday
(This is now being written two weeks after the event, as JOC didn’t bother to take any notes the last two days. So we have to make up the bits we can’t remember). We began the day by negotiating Grindley Brook locks again, getting through fairly quickly despite Tom’s gymnastics. Tom was also admonished by the lock keeper for not having familiarised himself with procedures for getting through the staircase. Meanwhile, a few feet away, Colin was quietly reading the relevant leaflet. After an exciting, action packed morning we arrived back at Platt Lane and the Waggoners Inn for an unusually early drink. Tom and Joe were the last to arrive; Tom had somehow failed to notice Joe reading on his bunk and nearly locked him in. Among out fellow patrons of the pub were two elderly gentlemen gorging a vast lunch. One of them (the former vicar, I believe) asked ‘who are you?’ and Iain trotted out the Grade A story, no doubt hastening their departure. We all drifted back to the boats; those on Kate found themselves locked out, having failed to procure the key, which of course was with Tom. Only later did we discover that one key opened both boat’s padlocks. The dynamic duo Doc ‘n’ Dude did a stew for dinner. We stopped for the evening at Ellesmere and most of us wandered into town along the canal arm. We looked in the Black Lion and deemed it unworthy of our presence and we ended up in the White Hart. This is a former Border pub selling Marstons beers with Bateman’s XB as a guest (replaced by Adnams Regatta). Eventually the cooks joined us; Ken, having been to the shops dumped the shopping bags in the dog’s basket. We were joined by Phil Barrett, another Oswestry BT man for part of the evening.
Friday
The last day dawned bright and sunny and those who were wise enough to pack shorts were soon showing off their legs. Things were a bit stormy in Hell’s Kitchen however as James and Ken failed to agree on their breakfast cooking strategy. Eventually James said: “Oh bother! I’ll go out for some fresh air and leave you in charge!” (paraphrasing slightly). The first shift had just started on their cereal when Colin bumped a bridge, shifting John H’s muesli on to his trousers. Meanwhile, outside, a swan had decided to give the boat a race. It was shifting at a fair old lick and I had to warn it to watch its wash. It responded by dive-bombing the boat, nearly taking my head off. Our lunchtime venue was Lion Quays, a modern hotel/restaurant/pub development by the A5. There is ample mooring in the form of jetties at a 60º angle to the bank. For some reason Iain decided to reverse in, leaving himself some tricky manoeuvring for later. It being a fine day we sat outside on the terrace drinking Jennings Cumberland (until it ran out) and going through the Academy Awards. Ron K went home with armfuls of trophies, including the first Lifetime Achievement award, a model narrowboat. The afternoon went without mishap; even our re-entry to the marina lacked the traumas of Monday. With plenty of time to spare a few of us drifted over the golf club to see if the London Pride was ready, before the minibus arrived. It turned up on time and 12 of us piled on board. The 13th man was good old Ken who was the latest to be locked in the boat. Once we had retrieved him we sped into Llangollen for the last evening. At the Corn Mill we enjoyed our first decent meal for a week before we drifted down to the Sun Inn, where it was rock night. Cat and Doc took up prime headbanging positions near the stage while the rest of us took refuge in the small snug bar at the back. We were joined by Robin and Jan again and we got stuck into the excellent beer range including Worfield OBJ. Then it was back on the coach, minus the headbangers who were given a lift back by R&J.
Saturday
And so ended another successful trip. We said the usual emotional farewells and buggered off to our respective happy homes.
Hinsey and Iain marvel at another brilliant performance of Colin, Lift Bridge Operator First Class
    Below is Jake's article for the SPBW magazine Pint in Hand

Special Branch’s annual gathering in 2005 was another success. This year we tackled the scenic Llangollen Canal in north Wales, Shropshire and Cheshire. Some fine pubs were discovered and the overall beer choice was better than expected. A few highlights, pubwise: The Willey Moor Lock Tavern is a converted lock keepers cottage miles from anywhere, and has only been a pub since  1984. It’s a fairly rambling establishment with several rooms and five or six handpumped beers, small independent brewers’ products to the fore. The Waggoners Inn in the tiny village of Platt Lane, just a couple of hundred yards from the canal, is a friendly establishment with three rooms radiating from the bar counter. Salopian Shropshire Gold and Coach House Old Wharf were the beers of interest here. Jack Mytton’s, a canalside house at Hindford, is mostly a restaurant, but there is a small bar area and there were five proper beers on, including Shropshire Gold sold as a ‘house beer’. Our pub of the week was the Sun Inn in Llangollen. On the edge of the town centre, and thus off the tourist main drag, the Sun offers a fine selection of ales. Shropshire Gold seems to be a permanent fixture and the other draught beers are from small independents. The large main room is host to regular live music – we caught the folk and rock nights on our two visits. If that’s not to your taste, you can take refuge in the small snug bar or in the outside patio. Be warned though that the pub doesn’t open until 3 pm every day.
three good looking guys in sunglasses