| *Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life. *You never really learn to swear until you learn how to drive. *Two wrongs... are only the beginning. *A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. *Change is inevitable except from vending machines. *Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow. *Always try to be modest and proud of it. *If you think nobody cares, try missing a few payments. *Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener! *If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. *My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her... Or something like that. *Alcohol and calculus don't mix; never drink and derive. *Lottery: A tax on stupid people. *Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot. *I brake for no apparent reason. *Cover me. I'm changing lanes. *I'm not as think as you drunk I am. *Forget about world peace; visualize using your turn signal. *Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. *Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes. *Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder. *Be nice to your kids. They're going to choose your nursing home. *Aunti Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. -Dorothy *It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. *Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. *Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep. *Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all of its students. *Born free; taxed to death. *Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. *No matter where you go, there you are. *Forget the whales; save the cowboy. *Eat American lamb; ten million coyotes can't be wrong. *Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. *My Karma just ran over your Dogma. *I'm okay. You're so-so. *Smile; it's the second-best thing you can do with your lips. *Ask first if the animal WANTS to be killed. *Black holes suck. *Be alert -- the world needs more lerts. *A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. *We have enough youth; how about a fountain of smart? *Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night. *Forecast for tonight: Dark. |
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