| *Oh, Lord, give me patience. NOW! *"Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200." *Hermits have no peer pressure. *She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal. *All foam, no beer. *Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you? *We've upped our quality, so up yours! *You're about as much fun as chewing burlap on a muggy day. *He gave her a piece of his mind and couldn't get by on what was left. *Try not to let your mind wander. It's too little to be out by itself. *You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season even if you stood in a field full of horny clues, smeared your body with clue musk, and did the clue mating dance. *If I was ten times smarter than you, I'd be a moron. *She has VanGogh's ear for music. *If he had another brain, it would get lonely. *It's hard to believe you out-swam a million other sperm. *You're about as bright as a burned out light bulb in a dark room. *I'd like to see things your way, but I don't think I can stick my head that far up my @$$. *When he came to the fountain of knowledge, he merely gargled. *"You give superficial a bad name." -Byron Alley *His IQ is 2. (It takes 3 to grunt.) *You're about as slow as a turtle crawling through peanut butter. *Why not have your cake and eat it, too? It's cake. What else are you going to do with it? *Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet. *"Yeah, sure. When -- " >"Oink" FLAP "Oink" FLAP< "Well I'll be darned!" *Life - It's nothing like the brochure! *Iguana: the other green meat. *Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please. *One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is: Don't run with a wooden stake. *I'd rather be rich than stupid. *To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. *To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, I got these sacks..." *If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. *The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face. *I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. *For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a thought: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar for freshness? *Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we're losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. *If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry, that's as far as it shoots..." *When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It may be a trick, but if it's not, mmm, boy. *If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. |
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