Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Peacekeeperchuck, Spear, gbbarb1, and Lasievorc. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
*John, please, lay off the wine. I gotta write my column, and all you’ve been doing is writing on crates and getting drunk.* Harvey was grateful for Elack, but he never considered that he’d have to spend most of his time buried in John’s alcoholic haze.
*Frell the column Harvey! In fact, FRELL you!* This was not one of John’s more lucid moments.
*Please John,* Harvey pleaded. *Take a nap, I’ll be quiet, just let me do my column.*
*Yeah, yeah, wake me when it’s over.* John yawned and sat down on the floor. He started to snore . . . loudly. Well, I’d rather have the snoring than that frelling cacophony he calls music that he has the DRD play over and over and over. It strains my concentration!
I began sorting through my e-mail. I needing cheering up, and I thought I remembered another missive from my dear friend The Dentic. Ah, here it is!
Dear Harvey,
After much consideration I have decided to take your advice and back off my 'mark' a bit. While the live honeybees would have been interesting to say the least, the consequences of their application would have been far too short termed.
My 'mark' despises hospitals, so he arranged to get discharged early. Being his compassionate caring friend that I am, I offered to help him around the house while he recuperates. A nice home cooked meal does a world of good for a person's mind, body, and soul. Not to mention how much it can lull someone into a false sense of security.
Should I 'play' with my 'mark' a bit while he recovers? Or should I nurse him back to health, so I can make the game that much more extreme when the time comes?
The Dentic
My dear, dear Dentic,
What can I say? You are a master!
But, on the more practical side, I believe you have answered you own question indirectly in your e-mail to me. Definitely nurse him back to health, but at the same time, convince him that he might be taking too many chances leaving the hospital early, and that he should return, at least for a few days to ensure he adequately heals. You will want to be very convincing, because you will need the time to make certain adjustments while he is in the hospital.
For instance, you might start with altering the timing on the automatic doors. That way, when he walks up to a door, he will expect the timing to be what it has always been, and suddenly find himself smashing into the door, nose first. This will be a minor annoyance, but one that you can build on. One other thing with the door, you might want to program it so that you can randomly vary the timing to your whim. Then, the mark will never be able to adjust his internal expectations.
Definitely play with your mark. Life is too short not to enjoy, eh? But do it subtly, you want him to sufficiently recover so that you can stretch out this occupation well past retirement.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My sister and I have always been free spirits with mischievous natures. Unfortunately, the society in which we grew up is very strict and regimented so we were always getting into trouble. I later learned our government had launched an ugly secret program of introducing a contagion across the galaxy to destabilize other interstellar governments. I decided to join the resistance against my government and bring about its collapse. I separated myself from my sister and made her think I was dead. I did this to protect her. I have learned she has discovered I am still alive and wants to join me. Should I allow this or should I try to prevent it?
Surreptitiously yours,
Nerri
Dear Nerri,
Oh, you are still quite the mischievous one, Nerri. Imagine, pretending you were dead and tweaking your sister that way. I bet it gave her a good laugh!
There are several positive reasons for letting your sister join you in the resistance you might want to consider. To begin, you have already said she is mischievous, perhaps as much as you are. I’m sure she is planning some little fun thing for you to get even for the trick you just played. If you allow her to join, you will be able to spy on her and anticipate the prank avoiding its embarrassing consequences.
Also, how better to protect her than to have her nearby. Who all knows what trouble she can get into without you or your spies there to protect her? You will not be able to watch her every move if you push her away.
And finally, it sounds like you two were quite the team. Just think of all the fun things you two can do together if you have her by your side once more.
Team up with her at once. This universe could use a bit of cheering up!
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Is unique valuable? Every time I see a writing challenge on my favorite bulletin board my stories are completely different than everyone else's stories. I feel like I'm in my own little universe and nobody else thinks like I do. Is a warped imagination a good thing or a bad thing?
Warped in Wisconsin
Dear Warped,
Well you said it, not I. Anyone who chooses to live in a state where you can find Hell, has to be warped to survive! As such, I can’t imagine that you are the sole occupant of the great state of Wisconsin (interesting it ends in sin, just a little aside, my dear). Therefore! You cannot be UNIQUE. There must be thousands of you.
And how can you possibly say you are in your own universe? Doesn’t that completely violate the definition of universe? How is it possible to have more than one universe?
Hell and universes aside, though, I think you might want to get a brain adjustment of sorts. Maybe a little Electo-shock therapy, or if that is too extreme, perhaps a little valium. There is such a thing as too warped. Take it from someone who has to put up with the quintessential warped mind. It can be wearing at times, many, many times.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I notice that you have considerable skill in playing chess, checkers and ''go fish.'' At least you handily beat Crichton in every game! Do you have any tips for mastering the game of chess? I'm struggling to get a grasp of this game of strategy! I have the software for classic chess, but I'm a little lost... Any suggestions? Thanks for your continued sage advice on so many things, You are truly a Renaissance pookah!
Sincerely,
Wannabe Chess player
Dear Wannabe,
For starters, to be really good at chess you must devote your life to it. If this is truly your vocation, then I suggest you cease doing anything else but concentrating on and playing Chess. Quit your job immediately and sell everything you own to buy a mobile tent in which you can live in New York City. I believe a favorite hang out of the dedicated chess player is Battery Park. There you will find a lovely view of the Statue of Liberty, but you won’t have time to look at it. You won’t have time to do anything but study chess and play chess.
How lucky you are to get to do something I’d give my virtual eyeteeth for. How I long to be on my own, to be able to play chess without break, except, to write this column, which, I must admit, not only helps people, a goal of mine, I might add, but also gives me so much pleasure to do.
______________________________
“Daa da da da, daa da da da, da da dada dadada. . .” John started singing the 1812 rather loudly.
*John, I thought you were asleep! What got you up?* I rued the day he made the still. I don’t know what it tastes like, but John claims that he is brewing the finest PK issue food-cube wine this side of the UT.
*I donno.* John took another swig of his wine and inhaled deeply. He was about to ejaculate a few more bars of the 1812 when Pilot interrupted him, which is apparently what woke him in the fist place. It was a good thing I just managed to send this week’s column off before things started to pop. We had incoming.
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