"A fellow can get used to anything, I suppose." "Yeah. I once ate a
woodchuck!" -Tex/Crow.
"--and a good friend..." -Head of NASA.
"And there, on the handle, was a HOOK!" -Joel (as Hugh O'Brien).
"Ever tasted human flesh?" -Crow (as Lloyd).
"Funny or not funny floating?" -Joel.
"He's a Woozle. His name is Peanut." -Tom Servo. et al.
"How do we stand on fuel?" "I'm for it." -Lisa/Crow.
"I just ate my own vomit!" -Joel (as Dirk Squarejaw).
"I killed it and I'm glad." -Crow (as head of NASA).
"I'm the god, I'M THE GOD!!!" -TV's Frank.
"I think everyone ought to come in and have a hot cup of cocoa and come
inside and be nice and snuggly." -Crow (as Dr. Herly).
"It's an entire race of mimes! We've got to get back and warn Earth!"
-Joel (as Hugh O'Brien).
"I've heard that said about Texans, too." -Tex/Crow.
"Let's go kill something we don't understand." -Crow (as Hugh O'Brien).
"Oh, great, a harmonica. As if this guy wasn't annoying enough." -Crow.
"Oh, shut up! Ever since we left, all it's been out of you is 'Texas
this' and 'Texas that'... Well, listen, bub, I've been to Texas, and
it's not all that great!" -Crow (as Lloyd).
"Quick, somebody get her a sandwich." -Crow.
"Stand by to jettison tail section..." "Oh, wowwww..." -Hugh O'Brien/
Joel.
"Thank you for being gutless." -Crow (as head of NASA).
"The boys in the press corps have nicknamed him 'The Golem'." -Crow.
"The reason Miss van Horn is making this trip is because of her
pioneering research with monatomic hydrogen." "And, she's cute as a
button." -Hugh O'Brien/Crow.
"Uh oh, looks like the Splunky's about to his the fan..." -Tom Servo.
"Uh, the press is a bunch of wussies. Are you alone in there?" -Joel (as
Hugh O'Brien).
"We like it here! Now we're even closer to the atomic pile! And
someday..." -Dr. Forrester.
"Well, the good news is that we won't make a big explosion when we hit
the earth..." -Tom Servo (as Lisa).
"You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of his boring speeches!"
-Crow.
"You do the voice, I'll move the jaw." -Crow (as Lloyd). et al.
"You know the consequences of a body moving with unchecked velocity in
free space!!" "... Uh... We're our own grandparents?" -Hugh O'Brien/
Crow (as Lloyd).
"Chili peppers burn my gut." -Rommel.
"Even these oil fields seem to remind me of her... Can't quite put my
finger on it..." -Joel (as Rommel).
"Filmed in Longtorso-Vision." -Tom Servo.
"For you folks at home, this might be a good time to go get a sandwich."
-Joel.
"He hit Big Jake!" -Big Jake.
"He really sucked the air out of that room, didn't he." -Crow.
"How's your buddy?" "Kinda personal, isn't it?" -Paisley/Crow.
"It's an exciting day indeed here at Japanese War Atrocity Park..."
-Crow.
"I've got to take the fridge to the airport. You need anything?" -Crow
(as Rommel).
"I *will* kill him!!" -Tom Servo.
"Looks like that jelly donut got away from him." -Crow.
"Meanwhile, in another movie..." -Tom Servo.
"No, but I once saw a bear drinking a soda." -Tom Servo.
"Oh! You magnificent son-of-a-bitch, I read your book!" -Crow (as
Paisley).
"PEEP." -Crow and Tom Servo.
"That's right, we're evil, EVIL!!!" -TV's Frank.
"That was number five!" -the Hillbilly Thug.
"THIRD BASE!!" -All et al.
"This is kind of looking like 'Thirtysomething' -- except for those dirty
pictures in the background." Joel/Crow.
"Uh, that's 'Gooch', sir..." -Tom Servo (as Gooch).
"We used to come here and club seals together." -Crow (as Rommel).
"You ever seen me look so happy?" "Yeah, but you didn't know I was
watching you." -Luke/Joel (as Rommel).
"You should never drink 10W-30 in the summer." -Crow.
"Because I kill indiscriminately?" -** (as Bob).
"Ever get pieces of flesh caught in your teeth? I *hate* that!" -**.
"Get me! Sentenced to death and I'm *still* making time!" -** (as Bob).
"I could sure go for a charbroiled hamburger sammich and some french
fried potatoes!" -the White Goddess.
"I'll give you five minutes." "For what?" "To start running!" -**.
"I wanted to play hopscotch with the impenentrable mystery of existence,
but he stepped in a wormhole and had to go in early." -Crow.
"Oh, Bob's alright. A little trigger-happy, perhaps..." -**.
"Put that lampshade on your head, tie femur bones around your waist, and
dance naked in the moonlight!" -**.
"Should I get out the anatomically correct doll?" -** (as White Goddess).
"So, every time I eat a burger, an acre of this stuff disappears? I
don't understand..." -**.
"Thanks for the exposition." -**.
"White goddess having trouble?" "White fascist getting smart?" -Bob/**
(as White Goddess).
"Ah, the clean smell of kids who know they rule the world..." -Crow.
"He's between a rock and a hard place!" -**.
"Hmmm, look at this. 'White People Voted the Best People in the World'!"
-Tom Servo.
"I just thought I'd take my morning constitutional." "Ewww! Here on the
beach??" -Mr. Duvall/Tom Servo.
"Is he a time-traveler?" -Tom Servo.
"Meanwhile, in the dark, impenetrable void, Jean-Paul Sartre was a-movin'
and a-groovin'..." -Crow.
"Monkey love pile on me!" -Joel (as Charlie).
"'No, Joel, *you* can't go to Woodstock, *you're* only nine years
old...'" -Joel.
"Oh, yeah, feel real good about kicking a fish's butt. That's real
nice." -Joel.
"Saaaay... These Klan meetings have really lightened up!" -Tom Servo.
"Should I go put a horse's head in my bed again?" -Crow (as Borman).
"The best beach party ever was the one at Normandy!" -TV's Frank.
"This is the kind of padding I *like* to see in a film!" -Crow.
"We don't want you to pray *for* us, we want you to pray *to* us!" -Dr.
Forrester.
"Could you please state that in the form of a desperate cry to God to
save you from an unholy death?" -Joel.
"Could you say that a little more woodenly?" -**.
"For a robot, he's got a really flat butt." -**.
"'Get bent!!' Is that official enough for you?!" -**.
"Give him this. It's raw pork. He'll know what it means." -**.
"Help me." -Blind Guy.
"I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying." -**.
"It's the feel-good film of the cold war era!" -TV's Frank.
"Special agents are called in to slow the film down and grind it to a
screeching halt..." -Tom Servo.
"'Stunned'?! He took six bullets!!" -**.
"Suddenly *I'm* the jerk!" -**.
"Walk invisibly and carry a big stick." -**.
"We've whipped the problem of skin friction on the warhead..." "Uh, are
we talking about the same thing here, buddy?" -**.
"We want to challenge your robots to a game of hockey." -**.
"Bacchus, King of Wine!" "Bud, King of Beer!" -The annoying guy/Crow.
"Now, where were we. Ah, yes, I believe I had my tongue down your
throat." -Crow (as Lewis B. Moffitt).
"Please slip corpses under the door after ten." -Crow.
"Puma? Puma!" -R.J. Dobson.
"The aorta makes an excellent sock puppet, and from here on will be
represented by the tympani." -Crow (as Dr. Raeburn).
"This man must have led a very full and active life..." "'Cause he's got
a squirrel in his stomach!" -Dr. Raeburn/Crow (as Dr. Raeburn).
"What about the plot, Joel? Am I the only one who cares?" -Tom Servo.
"Citrusville, City of Progress! Where everyone is juiced!" -Crow.
"Do not induce vomiting." "The movie will do that for you." -Tom
Servo/Crow.
"Guys, it doesn't get any stupider than this." -Crow.
"I'm huge!" -Joel (as Detective) et al.
"I'm in it for the kicks!" -Gypsy.
"It's Spiro Agnew and Spiro Agnew in 'The Parent Trap'!" -Joel.
"Live fast, die young, and leave a fat, bloated, ugly corpse." -Tom
Servo.
"Remind me to hit you later." -Crow (as Bartender).
"That square bugs me... he REALLY BUGS ME!!..." -Banjo.
"There's just something about that guy that screams 'I'm not really a
cop'." -Crow.
"This movie was like spending the weekend with your dentist." -Crow.
"Whoa! That's a lot of slang for one sentence." -Tom Servo.
"You and your friends are the only creeps in this place." -Banjo.
"You didn't learn a thing last night, did you." "Well, I *did*, but I
don't think we can use it to rob a bank..." -Linda/Joel (as Rod).
"A whole new day of rock climbing!" -Crow.
"Brain the size of a walnut..." "The dinosaur?" "No -- the director!"
-Crow/Joel/Crow.
"Could you be a little more vague?" -Tom Servo.
"--football practice!!" -Crow (as Cesar Romero) et al.
"Hitler -- what a jerk!" -Tom Servo (as Dr. Rostov).
"I'd never wanted to die in a plane, but now I'm very excited about it."
-Crow (as Lt. Wilson).
"Jeez, this sketch is getting preachy." -Crow.
"Let's take a 15-minute break." "But, ah, keep the camera rolling!" -
Cesar Romero/Tom Servo (as Cesar Romero).
"My spirit is snoring!" -Tom Servo.
"Oh, I'll alert the media..." -Tom Servo (as Cesar Romero) et al.
"Oh. We're in Hell. Neat." -Joel.
"Please, Dad -- don't kill us and take us to the afterworld and stuff!"
-Crow.
"Remind me to kill you later." -Tom Servo (as Hugh Beaumont).
"Rock climbing, Joel..." -Tom Servo.
"WHO ARE YOU?! WHERE ARE WE?! COULD WE PLEASE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE
OR SOMETHING PLEASE?!" -Joel.
"You look at it; I'm bitter." -** et al.
"Congratulations. You are now officially white trash." -Crow.
"Don Fido is mad." -Tom Servo (as Mr. Adrian).
"Heeney hiney horny..." -Hiney.
"Her back looks like a Klingon's forehead!" -Crow.
"Hiney cubed it again..." -Betty.
"I bet if these guys filmed _Citizen Kane_ it would have had a twenty-
minute sled sequence in it!" -Tom Servo.
"I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never a corn spy!"
-Joel (as Bartender).
"Joel, we *are* heavy machinery." -Tom Servo.
"Steve's dead now. From here on, Steve's death will be represented by
the oboe." -Tom Servo.
"That had better be beer!" -Crow.
"We're born, and then we die, and there's lots of padding in between."
-Joel.
"Boy! God sure has a crummy office!" -Tom Servo.
"Even the musicians are mocking this film." -Crow.
"If you're looking for plausibility, you won't find it here." -Joel.
"I'll be with you in a moment, I'm just sealing some fates." -Crow (as
God).
"*I'll* decide if it's a good morning or not!" -Tom Servo (as God).
"I'm a stranger with parasites." -Tom Servo (as Ralph).
"*I'm* your boyfriend now!!" -Crow (as Giant Iguana) et al.
"Looks like he lost a pie contest!" -Crow.
"Red flare at night, lizards fight." -Tom Servo.
"Thanks for almost killing me!" -**.
"Thanks for annihilating everything I know!" -Crow (as Joey the Lemur).
"They're making pretty good time, considering this is a Lippert film."
-Tom Servo.
"Time to drown the lemur!" -Crow (as Dick).
"We're getting a lot of mileage out of that lemur bit!" -Crow.
"What a desolate, forsaken place!" "What a stilted, pretentious line!"
-Nora/Crow.
"Would you guys knock it off? I can't concentrate on my own lame
wisecracks." -Crow.
"--and Brinkman..." "--screamed like a baby when we flew off and left
him." -Herringway/Joel (as Herringway).
"Fries are up." -Tom Servo et al.
"Good thing the Venusians could never get very far from the bathroom."
-Crow.
"I'd say Mrs. Butterworth is going to have a lot of explaining to do..."
-Tom Servo.
"I'll be fine as soon as I scrape my butt off the ceiling..." -Crow (as
Chen Yu (gesundheit!)).
"Mmmm... French dressing. I love it." -Crow (as Talowa).
"My one piece of advice: Do not have the Venusian Pu-Pu Platter." -Crow
(as Durant).
"*My* transmitter?! Look, dickweed..." -Crow (as Herringway).
"Oh, everything's better in the crawlicopter..." -Tom Servo.
"Oh, the Crawlicopter -- that's your answer for everything." -Crow.
"Smucker's raspberry preserves..." -Joel et al.
"There's an angry black gentleman on line one..." -Crow (as the Lunar
Switchboard Operator).
"The sphere is turning red!" "Well, wouldn't yours?" -Orloff/Tom Servo.
"This is our secret fort; we're gonna keep Chen Yu out." -Joel (as
Orloff).
"Would somebody shoot that turkey!?" -Tom Servo.
"Hey, look -- I found some funny powder!" "Uh, that's mine, just leave it
alone, there..." -Roxanne/** (as **).
"I'd like to thank the fine people of Seatopia for giving me these
totally useless arms!" -Joel (as Megalon).
"If you're like me -- and I know *I* am..." -Joel.
"I guess a rocket *is* standard picnicking equipment in Japan..." -**.
"It's the All-Idiot Channel!" -**.
"I wet 'em!" -Tom Servo (as Roxanne).
"Looks like I got the load end of the pan that time." -Crow.
"Now they can all die on dry land!" -**.
"Oh my god! The humidifier committed suicide!!" -**.
"Rex Dart -- Eskimo Spy!" -All.
"Whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters who suffer." -**.
"All these monster fights are rigged." -Crow.
"Duh!... A secret laboratory that makes bowling pins..." -Tom Servo.
"I... am going... to KILL you! Why? Because you are going to die!"
-Crow (as the Sea Monster).
"I am Servotron, destroyer of worlds!" -Tom Servo.
"I just saw half a crab kill a guy..." -Joel (as Commander Yamoto).
"Kabob and -- Ka-Steve!" -Crow.
"Now, every scientist worth his salt knows that dogs love chirpy little
chew toys, *and* they love rock-'n'-roll; so..." -Dr. Forrester.
"Ooh, Steve is really delicious!" -Crow (as Rota).
"Sorry, I'm gonna have to impale you, that's my job..." -Joel (as the Sea
Monster).
"Sounds like your monster reads Frost." -Joel.