"Frank, I'll give you three seconds to stop licking my face." "Count 
    slow..." -Dr. Forrester/TV's Frank.
 "Go bingle your bongle!" -Mamie van Doren.
 "How about some fresh sliced *me*?" -Crow (as Bakery Driver).
 "I'm *mental*, not *stupid*!" -Tom Servo (as Seraphina).
 "Is science supposed to smell like banana creme?" -TV's Frank.
 "Probation isn't a right, it's a privilege." "Like stretch pants." 
    -Probation Officer/Crow.
 "She's dressed like Minnie Mouse, only many times HOTTER!" -Tom Servo.
 "Uh oh -- Romulans." -Mike.

 "And when you pledge to the Soviet Union, you get this nifty tote bag!" 
    -Tom Servo.
 "Did they mug David L. Wolper or something?" -Tom Servo.
 "Emotions are for ethnic people." -Crow (as the Narrator).
 "He's always bragging about his huge stocks." -Mike.
 "I'm torn between mourning my boyfriend and subscribing to Marxist  
    dogma." -Tom Servo (as Carla).
 "I never realized the Russian army would have chaperones." -Tom Servo.
 "It's the most feared geography teacher of Central High!" -Crow.
 "This is it.  The final game of the world series.  And we're the 
    Mariners." -Tom Servo (as Ed Mulberry).
 "Will somebody *please* invade something!!" -Tom Servo.
 "You know what the fellow says -- drink and be merry, for tomorrow we 
    die!" "It's not that funny when it's *true*, Ed." -Guy in Bar/Crow (as 
    another Guy in Bar).

 "A gut-shot model will often hide in the woods for up to three hours..." 
    -Crow.
 "In all my years on the force, I don't think I've ever seen a more 
    vicious murder.  *God* I love my job!" -Tom Servo (as Lt. Lewis).
 "In this all-purpose two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23 cubic foot 
    storage capacity--" "--bodies stack easily." -Narrator/Mike (as 
    Narrator).
 "It's the pizza dominatrix!" -Tom Servo.
 "NC-17 -- fifties style..." -Crow.
 "Oh, fine.  Everyone pick on the Devil." -Mike.
 "The problem of communicating with the departed--" "--is that they're 
    dead." -Krasker/Tom Servo (as Krasker).
 "This balance of power keeps ice cream in check." -Mike (as Narrator).
 "This freezer RULES!" -Mike.
 "Through this maximum glass-area front, across the narrow rail, and 
    through the wider sales-design top opening..." "To grandmother's house 
    we go!" -Narrator/Tom Servo.
 "Uh, can we get back to our bleak, meaningless lives please?" -Tom Servo 
    (as Kreuger).
 "Uh, the Dead, could you turn your radio down please?" -Tom Servo (as 
    Krasker).
 "Well, let's see... fourteen minutes to live.  Wonder if I can get a  
    pizza in that time?" -Crow (as Renee).
 "You can't hold a man, or convict him, because he buys a new pair of 
    shoes. That's the whole basis of our judicial system!" -Crow (as Lt. 
    Lewis).
 "You know, not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle." -Mike 
    (as Lt. Lewis).

 "Aaaagh!" -The Headhunters.
 "And then what happened?" -Colossus.
 "Do *you* know?  Do *you* know who did it?" -Crow (as Kermie).
 "Geez... they washed up at a Klingon language camp." -Tom Servo.
 "I'm on the verge of despair again!" -Tom Servo (as Ariel).
 "Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot?" -Crow.
 "Kids!  No weapons on the waterbed!" -Tom Servo.
 "Now *this* will anger the gods." -Tom Servo.
 "So... apparently, the director has a girlfriend." -Mike.
 "Soon I will become King of the Urias.  Who wants pancakes?" -Mike (as 
    Kermie).
 "The gods were supposed to help me move last weekend!!" -Tom Servo (as 
    Ariel).
 "Well, it looks like the fish got a new Pope." -Tom Servo.
 "Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so  
    what *is* it??" -Mike.

 "Bobby's hopelessly inbred synapses slowly begin to fire..." -Mike (as 
    the Narrator).
 "Cyanide goes to my hips." -Mike.
 "Even the A-V Club laughs at these guys." -Mike.
 "How many shots of gauges do you need in any one movie?!" "You can  
    *never* have enough." -Tom Servo/Mike.
 "If my deepest, darkest despair had choreography -- *this* would be it." 
    -Tom Servo.
 "It's a federal law to keep your monster in a car seat." -Tom Servo. 
 "Let's see.  Stick... sharpened... ... GRANDPA!" -Mike (as Bobby).
 "Okay, guys.  Don't frag me again." -Tom Servo (as Col. Caldwell).
 "Sorry, folks.  Should've told you about the subplot.  It even caught me, 
    the narrator, off guard." -Mike (as the Narrator).
 "There are times when a man needs the touch of a llama." -Crow (as Dr. 
    Bradford).
 "They were part of the second line of defense." "--also known as 
    'dessert'." -Narrator/Crow.
 "This might be rather cynical on my part, but I put it to you that that 
    is the same monster." -Crow.
 "You can see why the British invasion was so *easy*!" -Mike.

 "If, earlier, he had said, 'I'll never be impaled on my own rack', *then* 
    this would have been ironic.  But..." -Mike.
 "I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with 'bitch'!" -Gypsy.
 "Man... his shirt's so tight, you can see his liver!" -Crow.
 "Mmmm... your lips are like crisp, delicious bacon..." -Tom Servo (as 
    Dean).
 "You see, when lackeys turn on their masters they become bulletproof." 
    -Tom Servo.

 "Ah, the gripping 'luggage sequence'." "I'm not gonna tell you what 
    happens. I'm just gonna say, someone's luggage gets lost." -Tom 
    Servo/Crow.
 "He's got a figure like Marcia Brady." -Crow.
 "Later, these moths turn up in the mouths of Bob's victims." -Crow (as 
    Narrator).
 "Let me guess.  The last words in this movie are gonna be 
    'Ahahahahahaha!'" -Tom Servo.
 "Looks like Daddy-O's apartment -- except for the big-ass phone." -Tom 
    Servo.
 "Scientists aren't sure what this represents." -Mike (as Narrator).
 "Spoken like a true fart." -Tom Servo (as Diamond Head).
 "Thank god methane rises!" -Crow.
 "This is too nice a place for a deadly game of cat-and-mouse." -Mike.
 "Uh, is that poison gas part of the presentation?" -Crow.
 "*We're* your 'Friends and Family' now!" -Tom Servo (as Sakai).
 "What the hell does that mean.  Over." -Mike (as CIA telephone operator).
 "You know, in retrospect, the luggage scene was really fascinating." -Tom 
    Servo.

 "A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, then leaves." -Crow.
 "Even the *soundtrack* is making coffee!" -Tom Servo.
 "Frolicking has never been so depressing." -Crow.
 "Heck of a lot of glancing going on here..." -Tom Servo.
 "Here's a tip:  Don't buy the Tommy Kirk Workout Video." -Mike.
 "He's like an idiot savant -- minus the savant." -Crow.
 "I care deeply about them as characters." -Tom Servo.
 "I feel like a cheeseburger.  Would you go make love to the guy at the 
    Jack-in-the-Box?" -Mike (as Frankie).
 "I predict that in the climactic finale, she jumps without a chute, and 
    then her *hair* opens up." -Mike.
 "They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man." -Crow.

 "All the fats are numbing my emotions." -Tom Servo (as Judy).
 "Am I *out of* 'Reba'?  Do I *need* more 'Reba'?" "Or *any* 'Wynona'?" 
    -Tom Servo/Crow.
 "And you want to *study* this??" -Tom Servo (as Judy).
 "Another right turn! Those fiends!" -Tom Servo.
 "Dr. Forrester has sent us a TRULY great movie!!" -Crow.
 "Eleven dollars went a long way back then." -Crow.
 "Food?!?  Is that all you can think of at a time like this?!" "You mean, 
    lunchtime?" -Judy/Crow (as George).
 "I'm squishy and I need to move on it!" -Mike (as Judy).
 "I will not tell a lie.  God, my teeth hurt!  Thank you!  " -Tom 
    Servo (as George Washington).
 "Pajamas, jazz, and communism.  This is WILD!!" -Crow.
 "See you when I can.  Is that vague enough for you?" -Crow (as Mr. 
    Parkins).
 "Society owes me a Kit-Kat bar!" -Tom Servo (as Paula).
 "So many children in needy families.  Really bugs me." -Mike (as Mrs. 
    Parkins).
 "Standard sitcom joke landing on runway seven..." -Crow.
 "Their answer is summed up in two callous words:--" "'Bor-ing'." -Judge 
    Clara/Crow.
 "There is an audible thud every time he tells a joke." -Crow.
 "This is my Own Private Idaho Potato." -Mike (as Keanu Reeves).
 "Uh oh!  She's getting squishy!..." -Tom Servo.
 "Wynona!" -TV's Frank.
 "You know, a federal indictment may prove difficult to overcome in the 
    student elections." -Tom Servo. 
 "You'll eat at 6:30, and your dinner takes an hour and a half to cook.  
    The Nazis will be on you by then." -Crow (as Mrs. Adams).

 "Come here and let me make a *man* out of you, Captain Servo." -Gypsy.
 "Double C-men?" -Tom Servo.
 "Gypsy?" "Not evil!" Mike/Gypsy.
 "I mean, they're all evil and stuff." -Gypsy.
 "Johnny Pooper, the number 2 badman in the West." -Crow.
 "Remedy, soon to be known as Malpractice." -Crow.
 "You rarely see a good facial whipping." -Dr. F.

 "Alright, let's get a real actor in here!" "Uh, that would blow the 
    budget, sir!" -director/Tom Servo.
 "Hey, don't beat him up too much." "He's our only customer." 
    -boss/Mike
 "Hey, teach!" "Hey, Chong!" -Trish/Mike.
 "I don't have any lines." "But you get to wear slinky dresses and 
    carry guns and stuff." "Not this sister!" -Gypsy/Crow/Gypsy.
 "It's a wonton, unauthorized bris." –Crow.
 "It's the T&A Team!" –Crow.
 "No one deserves a beating like that." "Pauly Shore does." -April/Tom 
    Servo.
 "Oh no! Is he alright? Oh no!" "He is alright." -Michelle/Crow.
 "Oil can! Oil can!" –Mike. 
 "This is Jim Backus' first role after he died." -Crow.
 "Where did you get such a nice lookin' machine?" "Hey, 
    Cheech-man!" -Sticks/Crow.
 "You're listening to K-PLOT!" –Crow.

 "Always be yourself and wave your freak flag high." -TV's Frank.
 "Go El Santo, go El Santo, go El Santo go!" -All.
 "In short, yes, we have second bananas." -Torgo the White.
 "I wonder if there are vegetarian vampires." -Crow.
 "Mexico could really use a Martha Stewart." -Crow.
 "The International Fight-Like-A-Girl Championship." -Crow.
 "Who will I kill?" -Dr. Forrester.
 "You have been summoned to a place beyond this earth, a place beyond 
    your understanding, a place filled with happiness and love, safety 
    and happiness for all eternity.  A trusted friend will accompany 
    you to this other plane of existence.  Watch for the signs my 
    friend.  Godspeed and good luck.  What a crappy fortune!" -TV's 
    Frank.
 "You will die alone and afraid, knowing not a singe human being ever 
    loved you.  Luck numbers 3, 18, 80...it's weird.  I keep getting 
    the same one." -Dr. Forrester.