"But, we *are* barbarians!" -Crow (as Ator).
"Daddy, there's a boy outside..." -TV's Frank.
"Drink it all. Sometimes the poison's at the bottom." -Crow (as Village
Elder).
"Everybody knows smoking kills, but it's cool! What are you gonna do?
Everybody loves tar -- Sure, who doesn't? But scientists have known
for well over a year that it's bad for you." -Joel.
"How much Keefe is in this movie anyway?..." -Joel.
"Is that Ator up there, or are you just glad to see me?" -Tom Servo (as
Zor).
"Jeez! *Tolkien* couldn't follow this plot!" -Crow.
"Look -- anal-retentive snakes. They lined up the skulls." -Tom Servo.
"No, Marmaduke! Don't use the triple-overhand stitch! Bad dog!" -Crow.
"Oh, bite me. It's fun!" -Joel (as Zor). et al.
"Ouch!! I landed on my eight-sided dice!" -Joel (as a human sacrifice).
"Thong? No, it's a dance belt." -Tom Servo.
"Tuesdays are human sacrifice day at the Sizzler." -Joel.
"Wait for it... Wait for it!..." -Dr. Forrester.
"What do you want from us?? We're *evil*! EVIL!!" -Dr. Forrester and
TV's Frank.
"Commander! The plant is completely destroyed!" "I told you to *water*
the plant!!" -Japanese Solder/Crow (as Japanese Commander).
"Don't go into that area. There's radiation there." "And, as everybody
knows, it can only affect you if you touch it." -Dr. Hidaka/Tom Servo.
"Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?" -Crow.
"Hmmm... Looks like a medium-rare porterhouse." -Tom Servo.
"It has the power to convert organic matter into inorganic matter!..."
"-- Like McDonalds?" -Col. Sanders-san/Joel.
"Let's see -- there's chaos here, chaos there, hmm... He's right, chaos
everywhere." -Joel (as Karnak-san Japanese technician).
"Maybe it's the flying saucer that I heard them talk... so much...
about... late-... ly..." -Old Japanese Foster-Brooks guy.
"Saaaay!..." -Tom Servo. et al.
"Water -- the source of all life..." -Tom Servo. et al.
"Yeah, hello, this is Gamera. Knock it off!" -Tom Servo.
"Hmmm... This potato's got big ears..." -Crow (as Trumpy).
"I'll never forget you, Trumpy." "...The way you callously knocked off 15
people... I'll never forget that; don't ever change, Trumpy..."
-Tommy/Tom Servo (as Tommy).
"I love you, Tom Servo!" "I love you, Joel!" "I love you, Crow!" "You're
not my real father!" Joel/Tom Servo/Joel/Crow.
"It's called EVIL, kid." -Crow (as Trumpy).
"It stinks!" -Rick.
"Now we can kill us some game in peace and quiet." "Do you realize what
you just said?" -Matt/Crow (as Lorne Green guy).
"Something there is that doesn't love a crummy monster film..." -Tom
Servo.
"...the helpless cough of a squirrel with a crushed face -- *that's* what
life's all about." -Joel (as Lorne Green guy).
"Tommy, now you quit warping time and space this instant!" -Tom Servo (as
Mrs. Stevens).
"Trumpy, you can do magic things!" -Tommy.
"Caution: Filling is hot -- and *alive*!" -Tom Servo.
"Hi, I'm dangerous to myself and others." -Joel (as K.Z.K).
"Seen it... hated it... taped it..." -Tom Servo/Joel/Crow.
"The monster can destroy everything with its tongue." "*You* try saying
that without laughing." -Japanese General/Crow.
"Well, that's it. We're licked." -Crow (as K.Z.K.).
"Whatever you do, don't hit the inflatable reindeer! Please!" -Tom
Servo.
"Hooker's a good cop!!" -Crow. et al.
"I had Jello today..." -Joel (as Dr. Revere). et al.
"Let's see if I can strand this baby." -** (as Neil Stryker).
"Lots of Chryslers on this planet..." -Crow.
"My god you're ugly..." -Crow (as Neil Stryker). et al.
"Start running, Frank..." -Dr. Forrester.
"They shot my spare turtlenecks!" -Joel (as Cameron Mitchell).
"Wow... Do you realize how many TV series would be wiped out if this room
blew up?" -Tom Servo.
"Yes!! It worked! I'm gonna score on an interplanetary scale!" -Crow
(as Neil Stryker).
"Ah, it's just some kids down there." -Joel (as Ape Sentry).
"Apes of the oooold west... That's John Wesley Ape, once flung crap at a
man just for snorin' too loud." -Joel.
"But I kid the potatoes..." -Joel (as Godo).
"Do not be afraid, I do not hurt innocent people. I have assistants for
that." -Tom Servo (as His Excellency).
"I don't care!" -Johnny.
"Let's crap in our hands and throw it at people! Heh heh... You know, no
matter how much you evolve, that's still damn funny." -Crow (as Ape
Lieutenant).
"No, no, forget the beach chair! You're in a hurry!" -Tom Servo.
"Off to meet my doom, Mom! See you after school!" -Joel (as Johnny).
"Uh, I'd wash that hand if I were you -- that's my throwing hand." -Joel
(as His Excellency).
"What is this -- 'Planet of the Fops'?" -Crow.
"You said 'bowling ball' earlier. What did that mean?" -Crow.
"Goodbye -- from me and my package." -'Jack Perkins'.
"I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness." -Crow (as
the Narrator).
"It's the smell of copy machine toner and white-out that makes my soul
soar!" -Tom Servo.
"And in case you're interested, mucilage tastes just like sweet honey!
Mmmm..." -Crow.
"Do you want to go *faster*? Raise your hand if you want to go
*faster*!" -Joel. et al.
"Excuse me, I've just gotta mate with a Tilt-a-Whirl, here..." -Crow (as
Gamera).
"Face it -- he likes blood, but not the way *you* make it." -Crow.
"Granddad's *already* disturbed." -Crow.
"Hey! Could you get the subplot off the road, please?!" -Crow (as truck
driver).
"Honey, we're at grandma's; put your shoes on." -Joel (as Chuchumi).
"I do I do I do I *do* believe in Gaos!" -Joel (as Itchy).
"I don't know where my friend went, but -- there's a pile of poop here
with shoes in it!" -Tom Servo (as Itchy).
"Mom, if the UN calls, I'm playing with my slot cars." -Joel (as Itchy).
"Oh. Flying hellbeast. Seen it." -Joel (as Itchy).
"Red sky at morning, monsters take warning." -Joel.
"The fountain will spray out a substance which resembles blood, both in
smell and in taste." "Who tested it?" -Chuchumi/Tom Servo.
"There, I just marked our territory." -Joel (as the Fat Japanese Comic-
Relief guy).
"Tiny *itchy* diodes, you mean..." -TV's Frank.
"Walk quietly among other men, but know their power for they are your
enemies. Quietly crush them as you work diligently through the night.
Pay attention to the man behind the curtain, for he is your ally.
Drink deeply and lustfully from the foamy draught of evil... Uh, do it
to the other guy before he does it to you, and be bad to the bone.
Won't you? Thank you." -Dr. Forrester.
"Would somebody please milk grandpa? He's in a lot of pain!" -Joel.
"You know what burns my butt? A flame about this high." -Joel (as skinny
comic-relief guy).
"Can we smoke?" "I don't care if you burst into flames." -Sergeant/Joel
(as Glen).
"Did someone say 'meat'?..." -Crow.
"Even though your feet smell like cheese, we prefer to think they smell
like *good* cheese." -Crow.
"Frank, does it... hurt much?" -Dr. Forrester.
"I dunno, some planet, I think. Supposed to be good for you..." -'The
Amazing Colossal Man'.
"I thought it had no texture." -TV's Frank.
"I would have taken my head, and made a hat..." -Gypsy.
"Look, if I want my opinion I'll beat it out of me!" -Dr. Forrester.
"Pull my finger." -Crow (as Glen). et al.
"Push the button, Frank. I've got a tennis game later with the chirping
hellbeast." -Dr. Forrester.
"Ribs! *That's* what I'm hungry for!" -Joel (as Insensitive Reporter).
"Scare me?" -Crow. et al.
"Stock footage is hell." -Crow.
"This is your house, and you're in it, and I'm out here laughing!" -Joel
(as scientist).
"Vandals came in and put skin on him!" -Joel (as doctor).
"Wait... he's alive, but his head's gone..." -Crow (as Glen).
"Cigar?" "Why, yes, it is." -Capt. Joe/Tom Servo (as Ken).
"Did he say 'Whopper'? What is that, a pet name?" -Joel.
"Gymkata!" -Joel. et al.
"Hahahahahahahahaha -- YOU'RE STUCK HERE!!" -Captain Joe.
"He tried to kill me with a forklift... Ole!" -All.
"Hmm. --I'm sorry, I was just playing a video game in my head." -Joel
(as Capt. Joe).
"I'd rather share a needle with Keith Richards." -Tom Servo (as Ken).
"Ken did it." "Those bastards!!" -Lord Halkon/Joel (as Rita).
"Kissing monster! Kissing monster!" -Crow (as Ken).
"Looks like Ken's driving the Malibu Barbie Beach Jeep..." -Joel.
"Looks like he got his prescription filled." -Crow.
"No one can beat me at snap zooms! I was in _Time of the Apes_!" -Crow
(as Capt. Joe).
"Now this, to me, is good TV -- being genetically altered on cable
television." -'Jack Perkins'.
"That was about as painful as a cattle prod to the shoulder can get." -
'Jack Perkins'.
"That was no meteorite -- that was my wife!" -Crow.
"They never explained the blond wigs. I don't get that." -Joel.
"You're a disgrace to all Kens." -Crow.
"Does this bug you? I'm not touching you..." -Crow (as Bat thingy). et
al.
"Get your shoes on, we're at the monster." -Crow (as Lee).
"He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature..." -Peter
Graves.
"Honey, why can't you just *once* let me take over the world?" -Joel (as
Lee van Cleef).
"I'm doing this for Jody Foster. It's nothing personal." -Tom Servo (as
a Cop).
"It's the parade of shame and wasted lives!" -Tom Servo (as Narrator).
"I understand now. Gallagher *is* funny." -Joel (as Gen. Paddock).
"Just kill it, don't play with it!" -Crow (as Gen. Paddock).
"Man... You just can't keep that guy away from the farm animals." -Crow.
"Next on Sally Jesse Raphael -- Ski Joring." -Tom Servo.
"Saaaay... Who's the new girl?" -Tom Servo.
"Title puns. I love 'em." -Tom Servo.
"Uh, honey, I think we're growing apart, we don't have the same interests
anymore. You want to conquer the world, I want to put a shop in the
basement." -Joel (as Peter Graves).
"Well, there's blankets and canned goods in the broom closet. We'll make
out." "Oh, wowwww..." -Scientist/Joel.
"Which one's Manuel?" -Tom Servo.
"Yeah, everybody gets a day off at the end of the world. Didn't you know
that? It's a free day." -Joel.
"Yeah, well you're full of skit!" -Joel.
"You want me to -- scratch my butt??" -Joel (as a Cop).
"Almost all of the monsters had their haircuts done that way back then."
-Joel.
"'Cornjob'??" -Joel.
"Gamera is really neat/ Gamera is full of meat/ We all love you Gamera!"
-All.
"Gamera's dancing go-go!" -Tom.
"I saw Gamera kissing Santa Claus." -Joel (as Scientist).
"Mind if I smell your daughter?" -Crow (as **).
"Mmmm... Donuts and gray-water!" -Crow.
"My mother's donuts are a saint!!" -Crow (as Tom).
"Ooh, that's good lard..." -TV's Frank.
"Uh, why are you rotating the biscuit-holder?" -Crow.
"Why do you have that *glazed* look on your face?" -Tom Servo (as Tom).
"You know, even though they tried to eat our brains, you gotta admit it's
kinda fun here!" -Joel (as Tom).
"Do I please you? Do you find me pleasing?" -Crow (as Prof. E.C.
Buehler).
"Don't *ever* mention Emerson Lake & Palmer around Gypsy!" -Joel.
"He died as he lived -- with jelly all over his face." -Tom Servo.
"Hey, professor! Does this count as a lab?" -Joel (as Mike).
"I'll just stay here and bark out belligerent, fat-assed orders." -Tom
Servo (as the Sheriff).
"Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I drive a truck, I'm butt-
ugly, and I hate spiders." -Tom Servo (as Carol's Dad).
"Oh, and you must have a wire rack." -Tom Servo (as Prof. E.C. Buehler).
"So I was sitting by myself, and I said -- 'Spider'! Hahh hahh..." -Crow
(as the Sheriff).
"This man's wearing a push-up bra. Now *he's* pleasing!" -Crow (as Prof.
E.C. Buehler).
"Use plenty of lip and tongue action!" -Prof. E.C. Buehler.
"What, do you think soup is a biped?" -Crow.
"Yeah -- I'll say we got burnt! We got burnt all the time!! It was just
part of what went with the territory when you got to make your own
cool plastic toys!" -Joel.
"You have *got* to be kidding me!!" -Crow. et al.
"You know, that spider's really neat, but there's something really
interesting on that wall over there..." -Joel.
"And make sure that Dr. Takebana doesn't commit suicide." "Phht. Yeah,
he's always pulling that." -**.
"Eddie, Yuri, put on your diving suits and scout out the whole area.
You, put on your diving suit and meet me in my cabin." -** (as Atari).
"He died as he lived -- lovin' his work. Heh heh..." -Crow.
"Meanwhile, back on the _Greasy Bastard_..." -Crow.
"'Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came down from the stairwell...'" -**. et
al.
"The anti-missiles are loaded, sir." "Shhh! Later..." -Jerry/** (as **).
"They're using every toy in the box!" -Crow.
"We'd like to welcome you to _Collateral_Damage_Playhouse_..." -**.
"You accelerate *my* molecules, doctor." -** (as Mary).
"Feel free to dig your heel into my groin." -**.
"So long, chum!" -**.
"Something goofy this way comes..." -** et al.
"This has got litigation written all over it." -**.
"This script is like a telephone directory!" -**.
"We have bowling and miniature golf... We get drunk and make fun of you
guys 'cause you're so stupid..." -Crow (as the guy from across the
Wastelands).
"You know, I'm just guessing, guys, but since this is a Corman film we'd
better get used to this scenery." -Joel.
"--and she's a space-woman!" "I *knowww*..." -**/All.
"--celestial body number 105!" "I *knowww*..." -Evil Spacewoman/All.
"Did I get that right? 'They died on vacation'??" -Crow.
"For this afternoon's show, we'll drown two schoolchildren." -Tom Servo.
"Hey, give someone else a chance in there! What, did you fall in?" -**.
"If you remember that, you have a great weapon!" "I *knowww*..." -Evil
Spacewoman/All.
"I had this dream once." -Crow.
"No one will be seated during the famous Fish Argument." -**.
"Oh, and, uh, you're married to me, that was the other thing..." -**.
"Please take the Bob Hope hat off!" -**.
"Sister, that dress is headed for trouble and it's taking you with it."
-Crow.
"Stay away from those powerful hind legs, boys." -**.
"You know, these films are." -Tom Servo.
"...a GIR-L?!?!" -Semya.
"But you don't understand! I'm a PRINCE!!" -Semya.
"Help me please!! I'm being attacked by a ham sandwich!!" -Crow (as
Semya).
"How do pop tarts work?" -Joel (as Kay).
"How long have you been a Viking?" -Crow (as Tira).
"I am HOT! I turn *myself* on!" -Tom Servo (as Brasiere).
"Let's face it, sticky-fingers -- waffles are just a vehicle for butter
and syrup." -Dr. Forrester.
"Look look look at my crotch..." -All (as Cheerleaders).
"Oh, Crow... What the heck does this have to do with French toast?!" -Tom
Servo.
"Oh, no!! They *licked* her to death!" "I *knowwww*..." -Tom Servo/Crow.
"Ooh! I hope they start wrestling!" -Tom Servo.
"Roger, this is God. Pick up the pace!" Crow (as God).
"Sorry about the costume. Corman's poodle died, and he doesn't like to
waste anything." -Crow (as Stark).
"The storm god sits quietly with his napkin in his lap, num-num-num."
-Crow.
"They killed H.R. Puffinstuff!" -Joel.
"This is getting weird, you guys. There's a silhouette of theater seats
behind that movie." -Joel.
"Uh, Joel, I think the butter's slipped off your stack of waffles,
buddy." -Crow.
"Well, okay, yonder lies *the matte painting of* the castle of my
father." -Tom Servo (as Zarko).
"Well, you know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out
great, really. You know, the other day my colon looked up at me and
said, 'Frank, thank you.' And I said, 'No -- thank *you*!'" -TV's
Frank.
"We need them --" "--like a fish needs a bicycle." -Brasiere/Tom Servo.
"Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know
that the nation's brunch industry employs over 5000 people -- most of
them named Chad?" -Crow.
"You know, this Home Economics film really took a weird turn somewhere
along the line..." -Tom Servo.
"You're weird, which results in creativity." -Crow.
"Come on, *this* is your mother now. Try her out!" -Tom Servo (as Capt.
Joe).
"Existential void where prohibited." -Crow.
"For the walking sequence, special director Roger Corman..." -Crow.
"I just love the whole incoherent _Mighty Jack_ quality of this film."
-Tom Servo.
"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!?!" -Crow.
"Who's that guy with the big head, big head..." -Tom Servo.
"You can't destroy me -- I *quit*!" -Crow (as Lord Halkon).
"You don't necessarily have to get swallowed up in a black hole..."
"...but it helps!" -Ken/Tom Servo (as Ken).
"And as for these phantom 'breasts'..." -Tom Servo.
"A whole new way to love the same old crap!" -Joel.
"Buzz... this time, try not to make so much noise when you read." -Crow
(as Buzz's Mom).
"Conform... conform..." -All.
"Glen! Remember *these*?" -Crow (as Joyce).
"He's dead and therefore unable to come to the phone." -Tom Servo (as
some Soldier).
"If only an androgynous man would come and visit meeeee..." -Joel (as
Buzz).
"It's all part of this nutritious war!" -TV's Frank.
"Joel, I'm scared..." -Crow.
"Knew your father, I did!" -Mr. B Natural.
"KTLA predicts..." -Joel.
"Lost in the valley of the shadow of the subplot..." -Crow.
"Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker and find out why they
call him 'Buzz'..." -Tom Servo.
"Mr. B, you're HOT!!" -Joel.
"Oh, excuse *me*, sexless man-woman." -Tom Servo (as Buzz).
"Oh, it's just part of the American way: turning a neighboring country
rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer." -Joel.
"Oh my god, please say this isn't happening!!" -Crow.
"Oscar Wilde only *wished* he were this gay." -Joel.
"Spankin' time!" -Joel.
"Stay together, cheeks..." -Tom Servo (as Maj. Baird) et al.
"The best instruments are uniform -- every one is exactly like every
other of the same kind." "--Just like you and me!" -Narrator/Tom Servo
(as Narrator).
"They say you never hear the snack with your name on it." -Crow.
"This delicious meal has a flat trajectory and a muzzle velocity of 2400
feet per second." -Dr. Forrester.
"Turn it off... TURN IT OFF!!..." -Tom Servo et al.
"Uh, Mister B, what would *you* know about dignity?" -Joel.
"Uh oh -- Glen passed a truck on the highway. I mean, he *passed a
truck* on the highway!" -Tom Servo (as Sgt. Mario).
"What the hell is a 'chonga'?" -Crow.
"You get a Mister Misty-meanor for that" -Crow.
"Your brother died a watery death. Well, gotta go!..." -Crow (as Maj.
Baird).
"Accept the pain, Frank." -Dr. Forrester.
"Frank, Frank... Once again I'm going to have to kill you." -Dr.
Forrester.
"Here's to risking your life in the name of some national TV exposure."
-Joel.
"Pulse normal... Heartbeat faint but regular... Respiration steady...
Reactions, none..." "Wait a minute -- that's *me*!" -Sharon/Joel (as
John Carradine).
"Their chances of being cool are ruined for life." -Crow.
"This Brown-'N'-Serve is alive!! ALIVE!!..." -Crow (as John Carradine).
"Time for go to bed." -Tor Johnson.
"You know, sometimes I too am able to peer over the ledge of sanity and
gaze on the boundless beauty of psychosis and -- boy, is it dark!"
-'Jack Perkins'.
"And no one on Earth will ever know that Santa was kidnapped by
Martians!" "Do you realize what you just said?" -Voldar/Joel.
"And now, for your enjoyment, some suggestive scenes of jets refueling.
Oh-h-h-h..." -Tom Servo.
"'Dear Hair Club for Men: I need help big-time...'" -Joel (as bald
military guy).
"Droppo, you are the laziest man on Mars." -Keemar.
"Gentlemen! We can't *all* be the Honey-Nut Cheerios honeybee!" -Crow
(as Voldar).
"I don't suppose there's any chance this guy's going to end up under the
wheels of a train, is there?" -Tom Servo.
"I sure hope that's pudding..." -Tom Servo.
"I want to decide who lives and who dies!" "Oh, I don't know..."
-Crow/Joel.
"Oh my god, he's playing dress-up! NO! NO!!!..." -Tom Servo.
"Pills for breakfast? What are we? Judy Garland?" -Crow (as kids).
"Shield your eyes, Frank..." -Dr. Forrester.
"Somewhere there's a warrant with his name on it. I'm sure of it."
-Joel.
"The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head!"
"Don't worry -- we'll give them to dyslexic kids!" -Girmar/Joel (as
Santa).
"Then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change..." -TV's
Frank.
"Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a
Christmas carol before..." -Joel.
"We've landed. You'll just have to take my word for it." -Lomas/Tom
Servo (as Lomas).
"What, no headbutt this morning? Honeymoon over?" -Crow (as Keemar).
"When she thinks of the mass media, she touches herself!" -Tom Servo.
"Why do you think they call him 'Droppo'?" -Crow.
"You know, elf tastes just like chicken!" -Tom Servo (as KID-TV reporter
Andy Henderson).
"And I don't want *anyone* strapping *anyone's* hands across *anyone's*
engines!!" -Joel.
"Ha ha ha ha... We're bald and we're bonding!" -Joel (as Mr. Patterson).
"Hey! They spent 20 bucks of it on a pizza!" -Joel (as Max).
"Hey, you got enough sticks in your drawers there?" -Joel.
"I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere." -**.
"I hope she's into big-assed medallions." -Tom Servo (as Lee van Cleef).
"It's show--!" "Don't even think about it, Frank. Send 'em the movie."
"--time..." -TV's Frank/Dr. Forrester/TV's Frank.
"MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!!" -Joel.
"Now, wait a minute... Is it me, or did I just lose face?" -**.
"--Oh!! I thought he was gonna rip off his mustache!" -Crow.
"P.J. Truffleberry's -- try the fantoozler!" -Joel.
"The tranquility of post-war Japan?!?" -Joel.
"This is from my 1935 film _The Prancing Ninny_..." -Tom Servo (as Mr.
Patterson).
"Uh oh -- I just passed wind in my suit. I ask you, as a point of honor,
give me a second." -Tom Servo (as Okasa).
"We're getting into a whole weird area here..." -Tom Servo et al.
"Who says a coma can't be delicious?" -TV's Frank.
"Yes, once again the pursuing vehicle is driven by STUPID people." -Tom
Servo.
"You know, say what you want, but Claude Akins has a nice rump." -Joel.
"I feel like a hundred bucks!" -Crow (as Prof. Heracles).
"I'm learning a lot more about this guy's nasal hair than I ever wanted
to know." -Joel.
"Joel, this movie really isn't very good, is it?" -Crow.
"She had to sit next to -- THE STINKY GUY!" -Joel.
"Then you will sign this lady's death warrant!" "Sure. Got a pen?" -Fu
Manchu/Tom Servo (as Kessler).
"These guys are really easy to kill!" -Joel.
"This movie sucks, Joel." -Tom Servo.
"Was it disgusting for you, too?" -Crow (as Ingrid).
"Damn! I just injected him with blowfish poison!" -** (as Lee van
Cleef).
"Microsoft Service. Could you hold for an hour?" -**.