LEAD SINGER RIVALRY

OKAY, AS YOU ALL PROBABLY KNOW, BEFORE OASIS HIT IT BIG, THEY WERE KNOWN AS RAIN. RAIN CONSISTED OF TONY, GUIGSY, BONEHEAD, & A LEAD SINGER NAMED CHRIS HUTTON. EVENTUALLY, LIAM BECAME LEAD SINGER, THEN NOEL JOINED & LATER TONY WAS REPLACED BY ALAN. -ANYWAY, INCASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD, CHRIS HUTTON, LEAD SINGER OF "RAIN", IS WRITING A BOOK ABOUT HIS PRE-OASIS EXPERIENCE.

I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT WHEN CHRIS HUTTON DOES RELEASE A BOOK ABOUT HIS "PRE-OASIS EXPERIENCE", NO ONE WILL BUY IT. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S TRYING TO MAKE MONEY OFF BEING THE LEAD SINGER OF "RAIN" -A BAND NOBODY GAVE A CRAP ABOUT. ANYWAY, COURTNEY (CJBROOKS) CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO TURN THIS INTO A WIBBLING-RIVALRY SPIN-OFF.

SO, THE SCENARIO: CHRIS HUTTON RELEASES HIS BOOK & HE'S AT A BOOK STORE ON THE RELEASE DATE FOR A BOOK-SIGNING. (Oh, I have no idea what the name of his book will be. I'm sure it'll have some corney title, let's call it "SINGING IN THE RAIN.") ANYWAY, CHRIS HUTTON IS AT A BOOKSTORE TO SIGN COPIES OF "SINGING IN THE RAIN" & LIAM STOPS BY TO TELL HIM OFF. AND THUS, WE HAVE "LEAD SINGER RIVALRY".

LIAM: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FACT THAT NOBODY'S BEEN IN HERE TO BUY YOUR BOOK.

CHRIS HUTTON: I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT, ME. 'COS BY THE END OF THE DAY LOTS OF PEOPLE WILL COME IN AND BUY IT. AND THEY WILL.

LIAM: OH NO THEY WON'T. NOBODY WANTS A BOOK ABOUT YOU, YOU F***IN' DAFT BASTARD. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

CHRIS HUTTON: WOAH. HANG ON A MINUTE. THAT'S NOT WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME.

LIAM: THEY DO.

CHRIS HUTTON: YOU'RE JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOUR REPUTATION, YOU'RE WORRIED THAT WHEN PEOPLE READ MY BOOK THEY'RE GONNA THINK "CHRIS HUTTON IS MUCH COOLER THAN LIAM, I WISH HE WAS THE LEAD SINGER OF OASIS."

LIAM: NOT AT ALL.

CHRIS HUTTON: SHUT UP. YOU'RE WORRIED THAT I'M GONNA GROW TO BE MORE TO POPULAR THAN YOU.

LIAM: SHUT UP, MAN! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE MONEY OFF OASIS' POPULARITY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK THAT NOBODY GIVES A SHITE ABOUT YOU. PEOPLE ARE MAD FOR ME, NOT YOU. YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE MONEY OFF OASIS, & YOU DON'T HAVE A THING TO DO WITH OUR SUCCESS. NOBODY LIKES YOU & NOBODY WANTS YOUR CRAP BOOK. AND LISTEN, I'M SO F***ING PISSED AT YOU I'M 'BOUT READY TO KNOCK YOU OUT.

CHRIS HUTTON: YOU WON'T KNOCK ME OUT AT ALL. YOU CAN STICK YOUR THREAT RIGHT UP YER ARSE 'TILL IT COMES OUT YOUR F***ING BIG TOE.

LIAM: I'M NOT UP FOR BEING SEEN AS A BAD LAD, BUT I WILL KNOCK YOU OUT. WHAT HAPPENED WITH RAIN IS DONE & OVER WITH. NOW I'M THRE LEAD SINGER OF OASIS & NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. I'M THE ONE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT. I'M THE BEST SINGER, 'COS I LOVE SINGING. I'M INTO IT.

CHRIS HUTTON: YOU CAN'T SING, YOU DICKHEAD!

LIAM:WHO CAN'T SING? WELL F***ING WHY THE F**K ARE OASIS SO POPULAR? IT CERTAINLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, SO DEAL WITH IT.

CHRIS HUTTON: THAT'S BULLSH*T. BULLSH*T. BULLSH*T. BULLSH*T!

LIAM: SHUT THE F**K UP. THIS SHITE BOOK OF YOURS IS BULLSH*T TO ME.

CHRIS HUTTON: WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE A BETTER SINGER THAN ME...

LIAM: I AM A BETTER SINGER THAN YOU. YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF "RAIN" & I JOINED. WE CHANGED OUR NAME TO OASIS & WE HIT IT BIG WITH OUT YOU, AND THAT'S IT.

CHRIS HUTTON: LOOK, I'M A TOP SINGER & PEOPLE ARE GONNA BUY MY BOOK & BE MAD FOR ME. 'COS THIS IS THE BEST F***IN' BOOK THAT EVER CAME OUT, OR ONE OF THEM.

LIAM: NO IT'S NOT. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SOLD ONE COPY.

CHRIS HUTTON: I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT. 'COS AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, PEOPLE WILL BUY IT. NOW, MAYBE I'M NOT PART OF OASIS, BUT AFTER PEOPLE READ MY BOOK THEY'LL WISH I WAS. AND THEN I'LL REPLACE YOU & YOU'LL GO OFF & LIVE IN SOME PISS BUCKET SOMEWHERE. AND I'LL LAUGH ABOUT IT & I'LL THINK, YEAH, F***ING GOOD, MAN. IT HAPPENED. THIS IS REALITY, MATE.

LIAM: YOU DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT, DO YOU? YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR MUSIC. WHY DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT OASIS? IF YOU'RE SO GOOD, WHY DON'T YOU GO BE THE SINGER FOR SOME OTHER BAND?

CHRIS HUTTON: 'COS I DON'T WANT TO. IF I DID, THERE'S NOTHING WOULD STOP ME.

LIAM: WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT?

CHRIS HUTTON: I'M ABOUT BEING...I'M ABOUT GOING DOWN THE F***IN'...I'M ABOUT...(PICKS UP A COPY OF "SINGING IN THE RAIN" & SHOVES IT IN LIAM'S FACE.) THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT.

LIAM: WHATEVER. NOBODY WANTS A BOOK ABOUT YOU. THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE WOULD BUY THAT BOOK IS 'COS IT'LL MENTION OASIS IN THERE.

CHRIS HUTTON: THE REASON PEOPLE WILL BUY THIS BOOK IS BECAUSE THEY'RE INTERESTED IN WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

LIAM: NO THEY'RE NOT. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME, NOEL, GUIGSY, BONEHEAD, & ALAN. NOW, IF 70% OF WHAT YOU WROTE IN THAT BOOK IS ABOUT US, THEN PEOPLE WILL READ THAT. THE OTHER 30% ABOUT YOU, PEOPLE WILL GO & F***IN' BLOW IT. 'COS NOBODY LIKES YOU.

CHRIS HUTTON: SIT DOWN, MAN. SIT DOWN. YOU'RE GETTING INTO A STATE. SIT THE F**K DOWN.

LIAM: THE THING IS, YOU'RE NOT PART OF THE BAND.

CHRIS HUTTON: I WAS.

LIAM: YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN, IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLD, BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, "RAIN" WAS JUST SOME BULLSH*T BAND & YOUR SINGING IS BULLSH*T, MAN.

CHRIS HUTTON: FINE. YOU'RE JUST WORRIED THAT PEOPLE WILL READ MY BOOK & WISH I WAS OASIS' SINGER. YOU'RE WORRIED THAT NOEL WILL ASK ME TO REPLACE YOU IN THE BAND.

LIAM: NOBODY WANTS YOU IN THE BAND.

CHRIS HUTTON: PEOPLE DO WANT ME IN THE BAND.

LIAM: PEOPLE WANT ME IN THE BAND. I'M IN THE BAND NOW. AND I'M INTO IT. YOU'RE A LOSER. AND YOU SMELL LIKE F***IN' SH*T. YOU'RE TEETOTAL. AND YOU'RE A FREAK. YOU WERE BORN TO BE A FREAK.

CHRIS HUTTON: I'M NOT A FREAK! -& SOON PEOPLE WILL WANT ME TO BE PART OF OASIS! -& YOU'LL BE THROWN OUT OF THE BAND!

LIAM: NAH, NAH, NAH. THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. NOBODY'S GONNA BUY YOUR BOOK. WHAT YOU WROTE IN YER BOOK IS COMPLETE & UTTER F***IN' BLOOOARSKYBLUH!

CHRIS HUTTON: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I WROTE IN THIS BOOK?

LIAM: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT IN YER BOOK?

CHRIS HUTTON: OFCOURSE I DO, BUT DO YOU?

LIAM: I DON'T GIVE A SHITE.

CHRIS HUTTON: WELL, I WROTE A LOT OF BAD STUFF ABOUT YOU & A LOT OF GOOD STUFF ABOUT ME.

LIAM: WELL WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THEN? YOU WANT PEOPLE TO HATE ME, SO YOU WROTE A BUNCH OF SHITE ABOUT ME!?

CHRIS HUTTON: YOU'RE STARTING TO GET WORRIED. ADMIT IT.

LIAM: I'M NOT. NOBODY'S EVEN GONNA BUY YOUR BOOK. SO YOU CAN WRITE ALL THE SHITE ABOUT ME THAT YOU WANT.

CHRIS HUTTON: I HATE YOU, YOU B*STARD.

LIAM: DO YOU HAVE ANY RECURRING DREAMS?

CHRIS HUTTON: YEAH. JUST THE ONE.

LIAM: (Menacingly) WHAT? THAT ATLEAST ONE LOSER WILL BUY YOUR SHITE BOOK...