Table of Contents
Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist)
So-So Proofs of Intelligent Design
Caricature Christianity For Dumbies
Alternate Resurrection Theory of the Month
Deities - Up Close and Personal
Getting to know the ones that
that Jesus character was plagiarized from.
Editor Today our guests' story involves incest, violence and all around inappropriate behavior.
Audience Chant ED-I-TOR! ED-I-TOR! ED-I-TOR!
Editor First up is Osiris, the head of this crazy clan. Osiris, welcome to the show.
Osiris Thank you Editor.
Editor You know, I can't help but notice you look run down. And your clothes are practically shredded rags.
Osiris Well, I've had a rough life Editor.
Editor Why don't you tell us about it.
Osiris Let's see, it all started when I was murdered by my jealous brother Seth.
Editor Let's bring him out. Come on out Seth.
Seth enters and a half-hearted fight breaks out between the two immortals.
Audience Chant ED-I-TOR! ED-I-TOR! ED-I-TOR!
Bouncers break it up and both sibling gods sit in opposite chairs giving each other the evil eye as they huff and puff.
Editor What's going on here Seth?
Seth First of all, HE got to be ruler over earth when its clear that I'M way more qualified.
Editor That hardly seems to be a reason to slay your own brother?! Doesn't family mean more to you than that?
Seth Oh yeah! Why don't you ask HIM what family means (pointing at Osiris).
Editor Osiris, what's he referring to?
Osiris I married my sister.
Audience Chant ED-I-TOR! ED-I-TOR! ED-I-TOR!
Seth ejects from his seat and jumps on Osiris. Bouncers break it up again.
Seth How could you marry our sister?! That's sick!
Osiris You can't judge me. Besides, everybody does it.
Editor Let's bring out the lady these two are fighting over. Come on out Isis.
Beautiful woman enters except she has cow horns protruding out of her head. Osiris stands and they give each other a big O' shloppy kiss to antagonize Seth.
Seth What happened to your horns? They look . . . bigger.
Isis I had a horn job. Everybody's getting it done these days.
Osiris Aren't they nice?! (nodding with a big grin and raised eyebrows)
Seth You two are sick! You deserve each other.
Isis That's YOUR opinion, but you're entitled to it.
Osiris He's just jealous and everybody knows it.
Isis And besides, you're the one who's sick going around slicing people up for no good reason.
Editor So that's how he killed you Osiris?
Osiris Yes, into fourteen pieces. But thanks to my lovely bride here she retrieved them all and restored me back to life in a resurrection. Thank you honey.
He then leans over to give Isis a peck on the lips. She returns the affectionate gesture.
Isis You're welcome sweety. Except you need to be accurate here. There was one piece I couldn't find.
Osiris I don't think we need to expose that now, munchkin. (said with a sheepish smile)
Isis Oh, I don't know why these things are a hang up with you guys. It doesn't bother me - really.
Osiris Not in front of a national audience, sugar dumpling. (said more nervously with sheepish smile fading)
Isis I couldn't find his . . . "dinky".
Osiris How many times have I told you to not call it that!
Editor Dinky?
Isis You know . . . his "manhood". His "manly private part".
Seth Yeah, I threw it in the river you sick !@&$*!
Osiris Sick based on YOUR standards.
Editor And so you couldn't find his dinky. Whatever became of it?
Isis Go on, tell 'em dear.
Osiris (inaudible)
Editor I'm sorry, what was that?
Osiris mumble-mumble
Editor You're going to have to speak up.
Osiris A FISH ATE IT!
Seth starts laughing uncontrollably. Osiris explodes from his chair and attacks him. Bouncers are involved yet again.
Audience Chant ED-I-TOR! ED-I-TOR! ED-I-TOR!
Isis There's something else we need to clarify here Mr. Editor.
Osiris Haven't you done enough, lovey-dove?! (sarcastically said with angry tone of resentment)
Editor What's that, Isis?
Isis Well, he really wasn't resurrected. He really didn't come back to "life".
Editor Well he sure doesn't look like it to me.
Audience laughs.
Editor I'm sorry. I'm just kidding. Anyway, what do you mean Isis?
Isis Osie here is now the lord of the dark underworld. He's really not alive anymore.
Editor Oh, I see. But that's nothing like Jesus, is it?
Isis No, but being in charge of that place down there is a big responsibility. I'm still proud of him. (pinching his cheek)
Editor It says here that you two have a son together.
Osiris That's right, Horus. (said while regaining what little pride and dignity he has left.)
Editor So if Mr. Fish swallowed Mr. Dinky, how'd you manage that.
Isis I fashioned a prosthetic dinky for my Osie-wosie. Then I hovered over him in the form of a hawk and (beep) until I (beep beep) and then that's when (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep).
Editor Well that's a new one for this show, which is quite an accomplishment.
Audience laughs.
Editor But is says here that you were a virgin when you gave birth to Horus.
Isis I don't think so. Believe me, I was there when he was conceived.
Audience laughs. Isis nods and smiles whilst scanning audience.
Editor Well let's bring the little bugger out. Come on out Horus.
Horus enters. Audience gasps and recoils.
Horus What's wrong?
Editor You've got the head of a chicken.
Horus It's a hawk head you moron!
Editor Oh, okay. Well I think we have a great argument against incest here. Mutations can get pretty ugly folks.
Audience laughs.
Horus Hey!
Isis Hey!
Editor Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. What's with the eye patch?
Horus I sustained retinal damage while avenging my father's murder by killing Seth.
Editor Oh (looking at Seth) you're dead too?
Seth Afraid so.
Editor I guess what goes around comes around, huh?!
Seth He just got lucky, that's all.
Horus You want me to take you to school again, Seth?!
Seth Bring it on bird-boy.
Horus lets out a horrendous hawk-like screech. Editor, the bouncers, camera men and the audience wince in agony. The sound guy may have permanent hearing loss.
Bald man approaches stage. Bouncers on alert.
Baldy I prayed and prayed to you (looking at Horus). Why didn't you bring my son back to life.
Horus Yul? Yule Brynner?
Baldy No. I am Ramses - Pharaoh of Egypt.
Horus No, you're Yule Brynner - the actor.
Baldy No I'm not. I am Ramses - Pharaoh OF EGYPT!
Horus Okay. Whatever.
Baldy Why didn't you resurrect my son?
Horus Hey, I had family problems to work out. I can't be at your disposal all the time.
Seth Well, you flushed our family down the disposal.
Horus If we weren't on tv, I'd tear you up again.
Seth You chicken!
Horus I said, I'M PART HAWK!
Seth Chicken!
Horus lets out a horrendous hawk-like screech again even more powerful than the last. Light bulbs explode - glass shatters. Horus then attacks Seth. Osiris tries to break it up. Isis transforms into a hawk and flies above the commotion.
Total mayhem breaks out. Audience and bouncers exit quickly. Editor curls up in fetal position under chair. Anarchy rules for about 20 minutes making for great television.
Finally the dust clears and it's time for Editor's final thought:
Editor As Isis tries to fit the pieces of her family (and her husband) back together again, we pause and reflect on what tragedy comes about from sexual immorality within the family unit.
Then we place these emotionally ripe members on stage together and antagonize them so that we can enjoy their anger, sadness and violent tendencies toward one another for entertainment purposes.
This makes us feel better about ourselves.
Then after an hour of making fun of them, I give this little moralic speech pretending to be concerned when in reality it's just to make me look smarter than I actually am and to give the show that little illusion of compassion which may give it a nudge of credibility for you closet watchers out there who are grasping for a lame excuse to justify your watching it in the first place.
Until next time, take care of your own selves - and exploit each other.
Today's episode was brought to by LEGO introducing their new Bionicle "Osiris." Your little ones can enjoy hours of fun by spreading his pieces about the house or yard and pretend to be Isis finding them and putting him back together again. That special 14th piece has been specially formulated to float in water for easy retrieval. Accompanying live fish sold separately.