Pocket Ninjas (1997)

Cast:

Robert "Maniac Cop" D'zar is Cobra Khan
Richard Robago is Spike
Brad Bufanda is Steve
Sondi is Tanya
Joseph Valencia is Damien
Gary "I was in live action American version of Fist of the North Star" Daniels is the White Dragon

What the box says:

Prepare for a martial arts journey into misadventure when three young martial arts students discover a comic book about the mythical White Dragon. But when the evil Cobra Kahn jumps from the colorful pages into real life, the kids suddenly find themselves in the middle of a true to life martial arts battle! Turning to their sen-sei Master Jack for help and guidance, they set out to defeat Cobra Kahn and his dangerous gang, who are on the loose in the city!

From the school yard to the backyard, these Pocket Ninjas are the fiercest thing under four feet!

Plot:

A guy is teaching his students on a beach. We hear an omniscient narrator that leads us back to flashback of 3 kids practicing martial arts.

Sensei Jack is lecturing them about the dark side, the Stingers, which is actually a street gang led by the evil Cobra Khan.

Elsewhere, an unruly gang hassles some shop owner. Suddenly Robert D’Zar is choking him when a masked ninja appears.

Sensei Jack tells the kids about a group called the Dragons that oppose the Stingers. The White Dragon is running around catching muggers.

Well back to the Stingers, the White Dragon is battling the gang.

Narration ensues. The ancient group, the Dragons, would have a number of masks that would enhance their abilities to the level of superpowers. The masks have to be passed down every generation. Sensei Jack’s father was one. Cobra Khan is the last true Stinger left. He is training a new group. The 3 kids will be given the masks.

The kids and Jack meditate before the masks are transferred. Tanya is given the Gold mask due to her agility. Steve is the youngest and given the Black mask because he’s wild and has a joy for life. Damien is given the Red mask because he’s broody and angsty which makes him the perfect leader. Blazing pseudo techno music assails us as the Dragons begin their ninja katas. Don’t worry, if you miss it they’ll repeat this scene 3 of 4 more times before the movie ends.

A couple returns to their car in a parking lot only to find it being robbed. The Stingers surround them. Suddenly, the rollerblading Pocket Ninjas arrive.

How can I take wig wearing rollerblading ninja midgets seriously? Yes, they are rollerblading ninjas. Somewhere, Sho Kusagi is weeping. The Pocket Ninjas fight the Stingers. Suddenly, the Pocket Ninjas are the size of the Stingers. It is almost as if those aren't kids but grown stuntmen in the ninja costumes. They let the Stingers limp away and rollerblade off into the night.

The Stingers inform their leader. Is it Robert D’zar? No, it is some 12 year old kid. He vows to eliminate the ninjas once and for all. Well, the Stingers need a training montage like the Pocket Ninjas. The 12 year old of evil has the gang spar and practice martial arts. Don’t worry, they’ll reshow this scene 3 or 4 times. Imagine the 3 Stooges teaching martial arts that would be far more entertaining than this movie. Evil 12 year old defeats his gang soundly.

Tanya, Steve, and Damien are practicing in karate class again.

Later, Steve is watching the news talk about the White Dragon. He shows Damien a Japanese comic book about the White Dragon. Yes, we have a masked crime fighter called the White Dragon and a manga about him.

Since neither Steve pr Damien read Japanese, they make up the story for the artwork. The White Dragon goes to a balloon factory run by clowns. Cobra Khan rushes into the place. They are about to fight when it breaks into a frantic game of paddy cake? We see the hero and villain jumping up and down on balloons. White Dragon makes a few comments like “neiner..neiner..neiner” and dancing before he disappears.

Tanya arrives. They read another story and debate how to hurt a superhero. Steve sees the White Dragon as a cowboy. Cobra Khan is stealing a carat a rodeo. He drives off with the White Dragon on top of the car.

Steve and Tanya start insulting each other with biting criticisms like fat Republican and vegetarian.

Tanya explains her view of the White Dragon. He looks like their sensei and has his name, too.

Damien explains how the Cobra Khan became enemies with the White Dragon. A failed assassination attempt leaves the White Dragon hurt and having to regain his strength.

The kids rollerblade to class for another lesson.

Evil businessman and William Hung meet the Stingers and the evil 12 year old.

Combining the fashion sense of Huggy Bear with William Hung. The Stingers are supposed to dump toxic waste.

Later, Steve, Damien, and Tanya are reading another comic book and talking about toxic waste. They think about a nearby beach that was closed due to toxic waste. Steve reveals how evil the leader of the Stingers is like how he eats children and drowns kittens.

The Stingers have foamed covered bats to perform katas with to scare innocent decent folk. The Pocket Ninjas blade to the rescue. A fight ensues. The kids get away before the cops arrive.

Somehow, the evil 12 year old knows the Pocket Ninjas are kids. The Stingers know where the White Dragon is hiding. Just follow him and capture one of the kids.

Sensei Jack wants the kids to hang up their masks when he sees they have bruises. You give kids masks with superpowers and want them to put when they get scraped up? I’m beginning to see how a 12 year old can run a powerful crime ring without being stopped. Anyways, the kids convince him to think for a while about taking away their masks.

The evil 12 year old and his gang have another kata. Sai and nun chuck practice ensues.

The Stingers follow Damien. One guy is in a hollowed out trashcan and is tippy-toeing behind Damien. A car driven by some other Stingers runs over the trashcan. They check the trashcan for vital signs oblivious to their fallen comrade in plain sight.

Sensei Jack reveals to the kids he is the White Dragon. It took him 40 minutes to reveal this fact we picked up in the first 5 minutes. Another Pocket Ninja kata ensues for at least the 3rd time.

The Stingers have to have another kata. Hilarity ensues by playing catch with a grenade.

At a parade with a marching band, the Stingers and the Pocket Ninjas are searching through the crowds. A lot of martial arts demonstrations are shown. The Pocket Ninjas are being chased by the Stingers.

The evil 12 year old is being briefed.

Sensei Jack wants the kids not to fight Cobra Khan alone. Only the White Dragon can fight Cobra Khan. The kids leave as the gang watches them.

The businessman wants the gang to handle another shipment of toxic waste.

Damien’s pseudo-milfable mother, Susan, wants to pick him up. She’s afraid of losing him. Apparently, Susan is hot for teacher and craving some sweet and sour Sensei Jack.

The kids are practicing again. They ask Jack why not get the cops after Cobra Khan. Well, Susan is casting eyes at Jack. Sensei Jack wouldn’t mind having a sample of her moo goo gai pan.

The gang is unloading some toxic waste. The Pocket Ninjas seem powerless to stop them.

Sensei Jack wants them to hang up their masks with it being too dangerous. They need the White Dragon’s aid. Sensei Jack isn’t up to fighting with the ace bandage around his stomach.

The kids leave the dojo. Steve managed to swipe Damien’s and his masks leaving Tanya out of the fray. They plan to raid tonight.

The Stingers are going after Susan to lure her into a trap. It takes several attempts involving $100 bills, coupons, and beefcake photos, and she still almost escapes them. Suddenly, the Pocket Ninjas immediately know about the kidnapping.

Sensei Jack is doing another kata when Tanya informs him about Susan being grabbed. Jack can’t do it with a pulled muscle.

The White Dragon readies with another kata.

A shot removed from KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park for being too silly. Katana practice is thrown in, too.

The businessman and the gang are doing business when Susan is brought in. He will take care of the Pocket Ninjas. The fight rages as the evil 12 year old watches.

Evil 12 old unloads on the Pocket Ninjas. The White Dragon arrives and trounces the gang.

Steve and Damien are beating the Stingers and free Susan. The White Dragon unmasks. It is Tanya. At least, I didn’t hear any pathetic girl power reference.

The cops arrive to arrest the businessman.

Narration resumes about how good was simpler when young and not in virtual reality.

Evil 12 year old, Steve, Damien, and Tanya are playing some virtual reality game.

I'm kickin' it old school with my 2 NINTENDO POWER GLOVES!!! Is Robert D’Zar fighting or dancing?
Why Robert D'zar needs to look at scripts before agreeing to appear in movies. Another round begins. The evil 12 year old is winning. Eventually, he is defeated when his fighter is covered in silly string.

Suddenly, Steve, Damien, and Tanya are reading a comic book about all of this stuff. They have to help change the next generation like the White Dragon.

The narration continues as all of them are arguing.

Robert D’Zar is Cobra Khan and the credits roll as various scenes are replayed.

What I say:

Rogue Reviewers Roundtable

The Fecal Film Festival is April's roundtable. Think of it sort of like a bad movie version of a limbo contest. How low can you go? How bad can you go? I had a movie picked out, and Future War seemed appropriate enough being on bottom 10 on IMDB. It didn't seem bad enough to me for a bad movie roundtable. The movie needed to be something far worse. However, when working on another review, cruel fate smiled her sickly jack-o-lantern smile upon me when I stumbled across a movie that was far worse and more deserving of being my contribution to the Fecal Film Festival. Pocket Ninjas hasn't had enough attention drawn to it for people to realize how bad this movie is. I can only hope my review will inspire someone else to gaze into the abyss of this movie.

Remember when you're in a store buying or renting a movie and the clerk just looks down at the movie? It should have happened to everyone at some or another. If it hasn't, you should be ashamed and probably not reading anything on my website. However, it has been a while since it has happened to me. I'm in the checkout lane with Pocket Ninjas and Future War. The cashier ran the sci-fi movie without comment. However, I could see her turn her nose up at the DVD of Pocket Ninjas as she muttered the title. This was just an average cashier. The cover just was so utterly stupid looking to her. I almost celebrated by that omen. If the cover can cause such repulsion, what would the actual movie do? I have seen a dark and frightening thing. This could make Lovecraft rethink Cthulu being one of the truly horrific things in the universe. However, Pocket Ninjas just doesn't have a catchy ring as the name of an Elder God.

However, my definition of a B-Movie doesn't necessarily assume it to be bad. I don't particularly enjoy slamming bad movies. Where is the skill or fun in saying it sucks 50 times? Mystery Science Theater 3000 tried to be more cerebral than what you'd think. It took me several years to get some of the jokes. In one of my computer science classes in college when the professor who had quite a resemblance to the Tall Man from Phantasm was lecturing, Noam Chomsky was mentioned and numerous MST3K references made more sense. Better drop the autobiographical note.

This movie had more levels of reality than the Matrix and we saw how bad an idea of so many levels of reality in that movie was. Pocket Ninjas has so many flashbacks, narration, daydreams, comic book readings, and fantasies as to completely confuse the entire plot. All of this made the movie extremely disjointed, and I haven't gotten to the other big problem yet. The same thing was done in Return to Horror High. At least, that movie had the decency to whack George Clooney in less than 10 minutes and have Marcia Brady deep throat a hot dog.

Did they need to pad the running time with the same training sequences over and over? The gang sequences, the Pocket Ninja training, the kids martial arts class, and Jack's katas. Pocket Ninjas show the same scenes more than 6 or 7 times. That is so repetitious that Ed Wood wouldn't even do it. They could have at least had tried to make them different in some way just show parts of the scene. When a movie has to have that many pointless scenes, it really is frustrating.

It may have been many years since I had to hang up my 2nd degree white belt in Tae Kwan Do. However, some of my friends that are into martial arts never mentioned to me that breaking into disco dancing to confuse your opponent. They neglected taunting opponents with phrases like "neiner-neiner-neiner..." I thought the scary Sonny Chiba throat growl or one of Bruce Lee's "Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhs" would be far more intimidating.

The Stingers were originally started in China hundreds of years ago. They've come to America and let in a bunch of incompetent bullies who can be beaten by 10 year olds. Where are the wizened Kung Fu masters? The evil beard stroking Kung Fu masters. Better yet, how does a 12 year old run the Stingers? Yes, a 12 year is at least trying to get into the world of evil gangs early. He can only hope to be taken in by the gang of mimes in the Warriors. The Stingers also are involved in all sorts of illegal activities like dumping toxic waste and bullying people. A phrase like "all sorts of illegal activities" would imply gambling, drugs, prostitution, etc.. We aren't even given a scene of them tearing up a convience store and talking about how accidents happen without insurance. Why didn't they steal candy from a baby or steal a dolly?

Kid movies really suffered when they had to have messages. Entertainment isn't a good enough message. Somehow, it seems that when you try to beat the audience's head in with an environmental message I hope that would have even been toned down on Captain Planet. However, we are regaled about a how a beach is closed due to toxic dumping. If that isn't bad enough, we get a character spouting off how toxic waste made her become a vegetarian. I bring up the vegetarian angle because Tonya mentions it as if she is morally superior because she's "ecologically aware" to anyone who eats meat. Too bad, she doesn't realize toxic waste can leak into soil. Pocket Ninjas is environmentally friendly? Too bad, it isn't audience frinedly.

Ever crave a movie where kids insult each other with such biting remarks like "90 pound weakling, vegetarian, and fat Republican"? It may have been a while since I engaged anyone in a true battle of insults. There are some understood rules. If you use such a lame insult, you automatically lose. Was 90 pound weakling really such a terrible insult?

The parade scene makes no sense. The only consolation is the scene was shot during a parade to make the movie look more epic. Anything that keeps from another training montage shot has to be celebrated. We don't have any idea of who is chasing after who or why. The Stingers and Pocket Ninjas are randomly switching off on who is chasing after who. For that matter, we didn't see the gang do anything or why are they capable of chasing the ninjas away.

The past couple of reviews weren't meant as any insult to Robert D'Zar. They just sort of fell together on my schedule. If I had any idea of what his characer was doing in Pocket Ninjas, I might feel justified in some snarky comments. He mananged to dodge the crap the director through at him. Did Robert D'Zar spend more than 2 hours working on any movie made in 1997? Did he just accidentally walk onto a set and eat a couple of donuts and asked to fill in for a couple of scenes. This isn't his magnum opus from 1997. Hands down, that would be Future War. Where was the Maniac Cop to avenge Robert D'Zar for the production crew editing together such a bad film? I guess it was too much to ask for one semi-decent fight between Robert D'Zar and Gary Daniels. By semi-decent, one that didn't have balloon jumping, hardcore pattycake, or bad comedy that would make Tom Green weep.

Gary Daniels isn't a fantastic or the first martial artist to try his hand at movies. It's been too long. I didn't think the live action Fist of the North Star was that bad even with Malcolm McDowell trying to do a Yoda impression. However, Gary isn't really given any fights in this movie. With the way, they kept mentioned how he was injured.I thought he was actually hurt, and the script had to be rewritten. That is as close to why I could think of the pointless pseudo-comedic fights are staged. The camerman loved to do long slow shots of Gary's musculature. Why have a martial artist in a movie with the word "Ninja" in the title and not fight? Maybe, they could get Don "The Dragon" Wilson to do Shakespeare. It would make as much sense and be more entertaining.

There a lot of jokes about how ninjas can make every thing better. Well, SNGs can (I don't think the world is ready for me to reveal what SNG stands for. When ready, the world shall rejoice.) but that's neither here nor there. Most of the ninja movies are the cheezy 80s style like Ninja in the Killing Field. After the popularity of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the kiddie movie saw the potential cash by jumping on the ninja bandwagon worse than Vanilla Ice singing "Go ninja..Go ninja go....". Thus begat Surf Ninjas and 3 Ninjas series.

Most kid movies are wish fulfillment like the Goonies. The teen fulfillment movies such as Iron Eagle and the Rescue show that if you listen to enough Twisted Sister and Gimme Some Lovin' enough, you can defeat Middle Eastern fighter pilots to rescue your father. I'm not tearing into Pocket Ninjas because of it being a kid movie. Kid movies can't have the action of say Streetfighter. My problem with it is far deeper. However, they should be entertaining. Pocket Ninjas is so bad to be nearly be on par with Massacre. Any comparison with David Heavener should show how low I regard this movie.

Most ninja or even martial arts movies for kids have been like 3 Ninjas. The Karate Kid type of movie seems to have ignored. Sidekicks had a lot of daydreams. However, it wasn't drowned in narrators with flashbacks and so many characters talking about the White Dragon. At least, Chuck Norris kept wearing his shirt. Pocket Ninjas seemed to love a number of long slow shots of Gary Daniels.

The number of martial arts katas is ridiculous, especially when they keep showing the same ones over and over. I lost track of the kids going through the same class 3 times, the Pocket Ninja kata, 3 times, and the evil 12 year old kid's gang 3 times. The car driving down that lonely stretch of road in Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space seems to be original comapared to the number of katas in this movie.

One of my big movie rules is a movie can't do one thing. It must not be boring. That is the one sin of moviedom. Stupid and bad movies can have entertaining bits. If I want boring, I'll rent a foreign movie about a bunch of French philosphers mourning the death of true thought while downing expressos. The more movies I reviewed, I've seen how I may have been harsher or too lenient on some of my previous reviews. However, Pocket Ninjas has too many scenes that are repeated and has so many levels of fantasies, flashbacks, and narrations to make me think this is the 2nd worst movie I've reviewed. It isn't completely boring which may be the best thing I can say about it.

Quotable Dialogue
"Some guy's been running around the city like Batman."
"We were attacked by people wearing dragon masks."
"I'd expect as much from a vegetarian."
"Game over, most honerable opponent."
"Holy Buddha! Her hair is like a waterfall gleaming in the sunlight."
Morals of the Story
There are quite a number of 10 year old black belts.
Street gangs love road flares.
Synchronized disco dancing is an ineffective fight technique.
Cigarette smoking clowns inflate balloons.
Twelve year old kids have neck tattoes.
Tippy-toeing is very subtle.
Ninjas wear 2 masks.
Gameboys play without games.
Women are more interested in coupons than $100 bills.