"TEARS OF DECEIT" by Sarah Ryniker

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 09/04/2003

Tears of Deceit Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Epilogue

CHAPTER TEN: MY FAMILY

When the car pulled up the driveway and I got out, my heart pounded in anticipation. I didn't know how I would react to my father. I didn't even know how he felt about himself. I wasn't sure if he blamed himself for my being in the hospital, or if he blamed me. And I certainly didn't know if he felt any guilt.
    I didn't know how all of this would affect whatever relationship my father and I had. Not that we had much of one. But that one day on the beach told me that there was a certain, special connection between Father and myself. I had felt it that day, sure as the tide that had come to sweep the sand from beneath our feet.
    I entered into an extremely silent house. Nobody seemed to be moving. In fact, I felt as if I had stepped into a painting of a beautiful home. Everything appeared untouched, new, never before used. Maybe it was my imagination because I hadn't been there in so long, or maybe it was I having more of an appreciation for my home. Whatever it was, it hit me hard. I suddenly wanted to hear noise again, and be around people. I actually felt nervous in the home that I had grown up in.
    I walked about the house, wanting to find somebody around. I wanted to know that my twin missed me desperately. I wanted to know that my father felt the impact of what he had helped do, and wanted to take me in his arms and apologise profusely. But as I walked on, it almost felt as if I was the only one in the house.
    I had given up, and was sitting in the front parlour, staring emptily at the giant Christmas tree in front of me when I heard familiar footsteps behind me. I jumped up to see Eddie standing there, staring straight ahead but smiling. He knew that I was home, and he was happy about it. "I'm so glad you're home, Felicity. I've missed you so much!" he cried, and opened his arms.
    I jumped over the settee, and flung myself inside the comforting strength of my brother's arms. I was loved! Somebody did miss me and want me to be home. I held onto him tightly, never wanting it to end. I began to cry with relief. Dr Andrews had got me so damned in touch with my feelings that I could no longer hold my feelings in. He had broken the dam, and now I felt that I was even more of an emotional mess than I'd started out as.
    "Oh, Eddie. It's been so long. It feels like an eternity. How are you? Have things gone good for you?" I threw out my questions as fast as I could take the next breath. "You look fantastic. I'm so glad you've been taking care of yourself."
    He laughed, and held me out at arm's length. "Slow down, Felicity." He ran his fingers gently over my face, and smiled. "You look older now. I can feel your face has become more sculpted. I bet you look just like Mother."
    "Oh, no, Eddie. I don't. Really, I think I look the same as I did the day I left."
    He simply shook his head. "No, your face has definitely filled out much more. I wish I could really see it." I was the only one in the world Eddie confessed his fears and yearnings to. I knew one of the things he wanted more than anything was to see again. I knew that deep down inside it killed him. But he never let it show, and for that I admired him.
    "Oh, Eddie. I assure you, I'm as horrible looking as a one-eyed monster!" I laughed. Excitement ran through my veins at a fast pace. I hadn't realised how much I missed Eddie until I saw him.
    Eddie and I sat down, and we spoke a bit. Then, from behind us, I heard a second set of familiar footsteps. I felt my mood change, and my body stiffen. I knew my father was right behind me before I even turned around to see him.
    I turned to look at him, my eyes not giving away the feelings within my soul. It almost felt like a first meeting between us. I didn't know this man, especially now. And I no longer liked him at all. We had always been strangers living amongst each other in our sea of riches. I hadn't thought it possible to drift any farther apart. But here we were, staring at each other as if neither of us recognised the other.
    "Hello, Father," I said stiffly, holding my head high. I knew then and there that I could never forgive him for what he had done to me.
    "Felicity," he said, looking at me as if he had truly never seen me. "You have become so beautiful."
    "You would have seen me become so if you hadn't sent me away with Allen, and then the mental clinic," I told him, and then rose from the sofa. "Don't worry, Father. I won't hold it against you completely. We can go on as we always have, pretending we don't know each other."
    I saw him flinch as the words drifted into his ears. I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to really hurt him. But instead, I left the room. I wouldn't sink down to that level, no matter how much I wanted to. Dr Andrews had shown me how to control whatever temper I did have. I no longer became angry anymore, and I had a control over my emotions like never before. I would only show any emotion towards the people I loved and trusted. And my father wasn't one of those people.
    I sat up in my room, feeling the impact of it all. Once again I was lonelier than ever before. I truly began to wonder why I'd wanted to come home so badly. After all, here was only a house with secrets woven into the walls, and betrayal hiding in the dark, cobweb-filled corners. We weren't a family. We would never be one.
    I stared at the wall, the past couple of years playing on the wall before me. It all seemed to run together into one giant horror film. The beatings and sexual abuse I'd endured, the friends that I'd found and left behind, and caused pain to. As I thought about it, I really didn't like who I was. It had been my fault that I'd become an object of lust to Allen. I didn't really have to be there.
    And I shouldn't have said anything to Tammy such as "I love you" until I knew for sure that what I felt was love. I had caused harm and pain to the one person in my life that fully understood. And, strangely, I hadn't felt guilt. I had simply got over it, and gone on with my life as if nothing had happened. I had gone on with my treatment, and had healed. Tammy would never heal, especially now.
    I heard a knock on my door that brought me out of it. I feared it would be my father, and didn't really want to open it at first. But then, I decided that the best thing to do was face the people in my life who'd caused me pain. I needed to show them that they hadn't ruined me.
    I opened the door, however, to find Kassy standing before me. She smiled, and then threw her arms around me. I wrapped my arms around her, and hugged her tightly. I was surprised that she even remembered me.
    "You ran away from me, Felicity. Why?" she asked, tears shining in her dark eyes.
    I shook my head in confusion. "What gave you that idea, Kassy? I didn't run away from you. You should know that I would never do that to you."
    "No, Allen told me that you got angry at me, and so you left me. Allen never lies. He always tells the truth. I didn't mean to make you angry," she cried.
    "Allen tells the truth as well as a serpent in the Garden of Eden," I muttered, and she looked confused. "Never mind," I said. "I'm just happy to see you, Kassy. I most certainly didn't run away from you."
    "Okay." She looked down sadly. "Then why did you go away?"
    How could I explain to my good-hearted, innocent sister what had happened to me? I knew that Kassy didn't know about the baby. Allen would never have told her about that. Or would he?
    "Kassy, did you know about the baby?" I asked her.
    She looked confused for a moment, and then her eyes widened. "Oh yes! It was a pretty girl. Allen says that the pretty girl looks just like me. I bet her mother must have been a pretty girl. I tell Allen that all of the time, but he gets angry with me for some reason. He tells me that I'm the pretty girl's mother." She tilted her head to the side. "I don't remember the stork bringing her to me, though. Maybe that's just the way it happens."
    So Kassy had a girl. And she didn't remember a single part of it. I envied her. I wished to God that I didn't remember anything I'd ever been through. I wished that I could be like Kassy, and remember only good things. Her brain blocked out anything bad. It was as if she had a wall in her mind that went up the moment something bad happen. The words or memories of it would bounce off the wall, and be sent back out so that it could never bother her or harm her peacefulness.
    But having a child should have been a good memory for Kassy. It should be for any woman. I actually felt sorry for her. I was positive that should she ever get pregnant again, she'd never remember the pregnancy or birth, just like this one. It made me sad and angry for her. I couldn't help thinking that if she had a better husband, she'd remember all of it.
    As I looked at my sister, images of Allen and her having sex came back. I could hear him calling out my name to her. I almost began to cry for her. I knew that somewhere in her mind she remembered those horrible things. Maybe that's why she absentmindedly protected her self from pain. Remembering bad things would have ruined Kassy by now.
    Kassy insisted that I go downstairs, even though I was trying my hardest not to. If Kassy was here, that meant Allen was here. It had been difficult enough to face my father. But to actually come face-to-face with Allen would be an unforgettable ordeal. He was a monster of a man, and, unfortunately, I was scared of him. I didn't want that to make me weak, because I wasn't. But he made me weak, he made me feel dirty and disgusting and worthless. Even hearing his name made me cringe.
    I resisted, but she dragged me down the stairs and into the front parlour. I walked into a room filled with the three men. One I loved with all my heart, one I distrusted and felt betrayed by and the other I felt my insides cringing, making me feel sick to my stomach. The moment I saw Allen, memories assaulted me, and I even felt dizzy. I forced myself to ignore it and pretend everything was all right, but inside I was dying all over.
    "Felicity, it's so wonderful to see you healthy and out of the hospital," Allen greeted. It almost seemed as if he lived in the delusional world my sister was in, pretending that I was merely sick, and not severely depressed and mentally hurt because of him. How could he forget, or pretend, so easily?
    "Don't even look in my direction, Allen. The sight of you makes me want to vomit," I calmly said, without looking at him. Instead, I found my strength from my twin brother. He couldn't see me, yet I could feel him urging me to keep it cool, and everything would be all right.
    "You have no love for your own brother-in-law? What did that nut ward do to you? Make you a hateful person?" He was putting on a good act, but I knew damn well that he knew why I hated him.
    "No, Allen, you did that," I said, feeling the tears pulling up. My voice cracked, but I willed my emotions to calm down. Crying would inevitably come later. But later was all right.
    I sat down in the chair, directly across from the sofa and to the left of the loveseat. I felt like a queen, sitting regally upon her throne. Nothing could touch me, anymore, I realised. Allen could be sitting right there, and I could ignore his existence. But he still knew that I hated him.
    I have no idea how I did it that day. I don't know how I made it sanely through the next year. Finally, though, I graduated from home schooling. I was able to go onto college, although a junior college. I decided that the best thing for me was to stay there during the week, and visit Eddie during the weekend. I never visited Kassy and her baby unless they came to me.
    And then one day I came home to come face-to-face with my mother's very own clone. She was to be my father's new wife, and she was an identical version, maybe with a darker skin tone, of the woman who had died twenty-one years before. And I hated her the moment I laid eyes on her.
    Cry. What kind of a name was that? I almost didn't believe her name, but Father insisted that was it. He seemed to really be obsessed with her. I knew why, of course. She looked just like my mother when she'd died. Forever young in my father's mind, it appeared that she was coming back to him in this girl.
    I didn't know where Cry came from. But I really didn't know much about my father. He said that he'd been dating her for some time, but neither Eddie nor I had ever even heard him mention her. I knew something was wrong with the story, I just couldn't quite understand what it was.
    She was beautiful. Her hair was as black as a midnight sky, so dark and shiny it looked like silk. I remember when she walked into the room I was speechless for a moment. Not only because of how beautiful she was, but because she looked just like my mother, with the same eyes and all. It was frightening to look into a face that had been dead for so long. I did wonder if this girl was somehow a relative. She looked too much like Mother not to be one.
    I heard the words ring in my head for a moment after introduction. They were to be married. It just wasn't really coming together for me. I had so much I wanted to say to both of them, but nothing would rise to the surface. But, finally, I spoke. "How old is she, Father?" I bit out. "She can't be much older, if older at all, than Eddie and myself."
    She actually had the nerve to turn red, and shy away. I wanted nothing more than to pounce on her. She was young. Really young. "I'll be twenty in August," she nearly whispered.
    Twenty? I almost screamed. Twenty years old? She was so young to be in a love affair with such an older man. I knew that another thing the little bimbo wanted was my father's money. She would put us out on the street if she had her way about it.
    I attacked my father immediately. How stupid can one be? "How could you? That's disgusting. You're old enough to be her father as well."
    I stood up to leave the room. I couldn't stand to hear Eddie defend them. It broke my heart to have him go against me. I felt hurt and angry. Even he was against me now. I really was alone.
    I vowed to them that I would somehow prevent the wedding from happening. I looked my father in the eyes before I left. He was trying so hard to find another form of his precious Colleen. He had found a girl who looked so much like her that he forgot his senses, and wasn't thinking. I hated him for it.
    I made my way into the shrine room, and studied my mother's portrait. It was unflawed, just as she was. Her nose was the same, her eyes, her lips, even her hair. Everything about her was the replica of my dead mother. The only difference was that she had a darker skin tone.
    How could this be? It was impossible that such a stranger could be so identical to her. Yet, standing right next to my father, and already charming my brother, here she was in the flesh. Why did it anger me so?
    I knew the answer to that. The answers, I should say. There was more than one. One was because of jealousy. I was my mother's daughter, and yet Cry was as beautiful as she was, while I had inherited hardly any of her lovely features.
    Second, I feared that she wanted only my father's money and that, if she got it, she would be me out on the street. I knew that it was spoiled of me, but I didn't know how to be in the "real world". I had been living in the world of the riches far too long to become poor.
    Third, I feared that she would juggle my father and brother. I had seen her eyeing Eddie. The attraction had been all too obvious. And Eddie, who had never really been with a woman as far as I knew, would fall for it. She had already charmed him. And I didn't want to see him hurt. I couldn't care any less about Father's own heart.
    I sat in the shrine room, staring up at my mother, questions and suspicions running through my head. I wanted to figure all of this out. I needed to know what was going on. Cry had to have some relation. Maybe she was some far-off cousin who had heard about the family and had come, because she knew she resembled her so, to take over the family fortune. It sounded far-fetched, but was it really?
    I sighed. I knew that I was possibly being over suspicious. But Eddie and I would be left out in the cold, lonely world all by ourselves without a penny to our names if Father gave her everything. And by the way he was staring at her with complete adoration I knew that he would.
    Who could have known that I was so close to the truth, yet so far away? I certainly wouldn't have guessed the truth, even though it was staring me in the face. It was threatening everything that I'd ever known, or been told. And I should have realised that every single feeling of nagging doubt within me had been correct the entire time. I should have been scared for other reasons. I just didn't know it, yet.

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