"TEARS OF DECEIT" by Sarah Ryniker

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 09/04/2003

Tears of Deceit Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Epilogue

CHAPTER THREE: LEAVING

I should have been happy for my sister, but I was suspicious of Allen right from the beginning. I could almost feel that he was slime that really wasn't interested in my sister. Yet he put on a good show, especially standing by her during that horrible time after Susie wrecked our family name. In fact, he did such a good job that people were sympathetic towards him for being in love with a member of our family. He was still lost in the sunlight of the rich and famous, while my sister got talked about as if she were some kind of diseased animal that he was caring for.
    I never could figure out why I let it all bother me so much. I just couldn't help it. My family had had their time in the sun. They had shone their brightest, being able to show off their best aspects. And just like a new toy, they were thrust away into the pile of old and forgotten. Everyone had adored us and then had become disgusted by us. And we hadn't had to do anything.
    I was fifteen years old, but I felt so much older. I always had felt older. But now I felt more alone and lost than ever before. Of course, there was Eddie to speak to once he got over his "friends" disappearing. But I had nothing to do with my idle time. I had so much time on my hands without school or something to occupy me. Kassy was gone; I was "free" of that responsibility. But was I really?
    Allen didn't love Kassy, as I've said. And often, when she would have bad "spells" in the middle of the night, Allen would send a car over for me. I didn't go over there for him, though. I went over there because my sister needed me. She always needed me, and without my being right under her roof all of the time, she was constantly having bad dreams, or turning on Allen as if she didn't know him.
    That was the case this night. When I got to their house, which was bigger than our own, giving more fear to Kassy, I ran inside and up to their bedroom. Kassy sat in a corner, staring out at everything as if she didn't know what to think. The vacant look in her eyes always scared me, no matter how often I saw it there.
    "Kassy? Honey, it's me, Felicity. Why are you so scared?" I slowly approached her, putting my hand on her shoulder.
    Suddenly fear showed in her eyes, rather than nothingness, and she stared up at me like a wild, wounded animal. "Take me home, Felicity, please! Please! They hurt me here. I don't know anyone!" She began to cry. She stared off into space again and began to rock slowly.
    This spell seemed to be worse than any of the others I'd seen, and I turned to Allen. "What is she talking about? Who hurts her here?"
    He shrugged, as if it didn't matter. "Like I know what's in your crazy sister's mind," he said, seemingly bewildered.
    "She's not crazy! She's just been through a lot, especially in the past few months!" I felt the protective strings within my heart tug and pull, making me want to lift my hand and smack him right across his snobby face.
    "Say whatever you like. But this time it isn't my fault. She was acting perfectly fine, until she took the pregnancy test."
    I looked at Kassy, and then back to Allen. "Pregnancy test? What pregnancy test?" But I already knew what was wrong with Kassy.
    "She's pregnant. For some reason it made her totally flip out. What am I supposed to do about it? I've never dealt with anyone this nutty before."
    His indifference only angered me more, but I forced myself to calm down. "She can't stay here," I decided, saying it in a tone that told him I meant what I said. "She's coming home with me while she's pregnant. I can't have you taking care of her. You do a lousy job of it."
    He shrugged again, but I ignored him, anyway. I began packing things that Kassy would need, not that it was much. But I knew she wouldn't leave anywhere without a bag. And since she wasn't yet showing, she needed her clothes. Maternity clothes would come later on.
    Without even a hand-wave good-bye from Allen, or us, we left the house. Kassy didn't relax until we got back to the house. When she saw what she remembered so well, she finally settled down. I got her to her bedroom quietly. I would explain everything in the morning. Considering that I would have to explain things to Kassy as well, I feared that it wouldn't go well. But no matter what the cost and what I had to do, she would stay here with me during this pregnancy. With the way Kassy was, I could lose her, and my new niece or nephew, to one of her many episodes.
    After I got her snuggled inside her bed, I chose a different route than planned as I left the room. I had planned on going straight to sleep. But I couldn't. There was one stop I needed to make. I hadn't been there in awhile, and things were getting tense, once again.
    I walked into the shrine room, and looked at the giant portrait of my mother hanging there. I glared at it in anger as I sat down in the chair facing it. How often had I seen my father sitting in this very chair, praying and begging her to come home? And how often had I wanted to tell him that she was dead and couldn't come back? But I hadn't, because the shrine room was supposed to be a sort of sanctuary. It had been meant for him, but I often stole it for my own purposes as well.
    "This is all your fault," I muttered, staring at the giant, smiling picture of her. "If you hadn't left us, then I could possibly be a normal fifteen-year-old, with happiness surrounding me. Instead, I've mothered your mentally ill daughter. All because you died. I hate you so much for it!"
    I'd uttered the very same words over and over again in this room. Always the same ones. She was to blame for my lack of childhood. It was her fault, and I could never forgive her for it. I didn't even know her, and I suppose that made it a lot easier to hate her. Just looking at her pictures made me sick. I felt like smashing every picture of her, but I knew that would be pointless. Nothing could hurt the dead.
    I hated the large portrait of her. She looked so damned beautiful, so peaceful. Why did she have peace? I knew that she had been a spoiled little rich girl, raised in high society with everything she wanted at her fingertips. I should have had a happy life like hers. I shouldn't have become an old maid at fifteen years old. I was jealous of a mother I didn't remember ever seeing or touching. I couldn't remember hearing her softly talk to me. I had no memory of her because I was only a couple months old when she'd died. It hadn't really been her fault, and she'd had no control over it. She would've stayed had she been given the chance!
    But something in my heart told me not to believe that. I felt a chill of ice grasp my entire body. She wouldn't have stayed given the chance, my mind was telling me, she didn't want you!
    "Yes she did!" I screamed out loud. This was the only place I could fight with my fears and deal with the anger and misery I felt. I didn't care if I appeared nuts in here.
    No, she didn't. If she'd wanted you, she would have stayed, my mind insisted. Why on earth would I ever feel that way?
    "She had no control over her leaving us," I snapped at myself through gritted teeth. I knew there was no purpose to my arguing with myself. I'd never be able to convince my own mind that my mother was innocent and would have stayed with her family had she been able to.
    Don't lie to yourself. You know everything. Deep in your heart, Felicity, you know. I didn't know what that was supposed to mean. But then again, I must've known what that meant. After all, I was telling myself that. So what did I know so well that wasn't apparent?
    I left the room frustrated, as always, but feeling slightly better. Getting the anger out was my main purpose for going into the shrine room. I would never understand what I was telling my own self later on; I was convinced of that. The same conversation - the same argument - happened within myself every time I went in there. Was the room itself trying to tell me something? The thought made me shiver again, as an icy cold feeling gripped my body.
    I fell asleep that night, only to toss and turn. I didn't know how I would deal with Kassy and the baby. I knew Allen wouldn't be a problem. In fact, he wouldn't give a damn if she even ever went back to him. Of course, I had to send her back after the baby was born. But seeing that she would need special care, Allen wouldn't be able to give it to her, where as I could. Kassy would need an understanding doctor and some tender loving care, not a cheating, creep of a husband who never knew what to do about her spells.
    I didn't know what doctor I could send her to, or what doctor who could be trusted to care for her. So in the morning, before everyone had risen and the doctors' offices had just opened, I lifted the phonebook onto my lap and began my search.
    I must have gone through at least twelve different doctors, asking different questions. None of them seemed to satisfy me. That's when I found Dr J Mazden. His secretary answered every question to my liking, and I quickly made a same day appointment.
    I had just got off the phone when I heard the yelling coming from upstairs. "Oh no!" I muttered to myself, and then ran as fast as I could towards Kassy's old room. All of that yelling could only mean one thing - Kassy was awake. It also meant that Kassy had no memory of what had happened the night before.
    When I got up the stairs, I saw Kassy and a couple of the maids in the hall. Kassy was going crazy, yelling and screaming at them, while they only looked confused. They didn't know why she was here, either.
    "Yes, you do! You kidnapped me and brought me back here. I hate you! I don't even know you! Why do you want me here?" Kassy screamed at the bewildered maids.
    "Kassy! Kassy!" I cried, running down the hall. "Sweetie, those are just the maids! You're at home."
    She looked at me, but she didn't seem to see me. Her eyes were red-rimmed and wild looking. "Get me out of here! I want to go home!" she screamed.
    "Kassy! It's me, Felicity! Calm down right this minute." She looked at the maids and looked back to me. Then, for no apparent reason, though Kassy never needed one, she began to cry. She dropped to the floor, buried her head into her hands and began to cry. "What happened?" I finally was able to ask the maids.
    They both looked at me, still confused about what was going on. "We just went in there to do our usual morning cleaning," the smaller maid, Candace, started. "We had no idea she was in there!"
    "Then," the other began to pick up, "when we noticed somebody in the bed, we decided to clean more quietly. She must be a light sleeper because she woke up and just started going crazy."
    Since the girls had been hired after Kassy had left, they had no idea how to handle her. They both looked frightened by the outburst, and scared that they would lose their jobs. Of course, that wasn't going to happen. I simply looked down at my crying sister, and then looked at the two girls. "I'll explain everything later. Get back to your cleaning." They scurried away, happy to be dismissed.
    I kneeled down beside Kassy and placed my hand on her shoulder. "Kassy? Do you not remember why you're here at home?" I began slowly.
    She shook her head. "No! Where is Allen? Did he come to?" She seemed so scared, but I couldn't understand why. I especially didn't understand why she was so scared here at home and didn't seem to recognise it. This had been the only place she'd ever known before marrying Allen.
    "No, he didn't come with you." I took a deep breath, and quickly decided to tell her somewhat of a lie so that she wouldn't get angry and start one of her tantrums. "Kassy, you're going to have a baby, and so Allen decided that it would be best that I take care of you until your baby is born."
    She looked at me with wide, confused eyes. "A baby? No, no babies for me. I don't have a baby, Felicity."
    "Not yet, you don't. But you will in a few months. So I have to take you to a doctor to get checked out. You want yours and Allen's baby to be alright, don't you?"
    She just peered out at me, still appearing confused. "But I never saw any stork. Daddy told me that storks bring babies." It was something our father had told us all when we were really young. But then it struck me as odd that Kassy had gone through sex ed, as we all already had, and had been told by a woman what happens, but still didn't seem to understand how babies were made.
    "Kassy? Don't you know how babies are made? A stork doesn't really bring them. Father just told us that when we were younger because were too young to understand the reproductive system."
    She looked horrified at the thought that babies could be made any other way. She covered her ears as I began to explain and describe sex to her, for the third time in her life. "No! No! Babies come from storks! Daddy said so! They don't come from that yucky stuff Allen does!" she screamed, shaking her head back and forth vigorously. "No! No! No!"
    I stood back, actually becoming frightened. She'd had outbursts before, but nothing ever like this. I was at a loss. I had always been able to control her, but now she seemed truly insane, shaking and rocking and yelling.
    Suddenly, Father and Eddie both came down the hall. When Father saw that Kassy was here, he sprinted the rest of the way over. "What is she doing here?" he demanded to know, looking at me suspiciously.
    "She had another episode last night," I told him above Kassy's screams. "It turns out that she's pregnant, and it threw her into one of her spells. I decided that Allen doesn't have enough love for her to take care of her during this time, and I brought her here to take care of her during the duration of her pregnancy."
    "We'll discuss that decision in a bit," he said to me before looking down at Kassy, who still had yet to calm down. "What caused this?"
    "To be truthful, Father, I have no clue. She just flipped out!" I said, holding my arms out helplessly. "I have no idea what to do!"
    "Try calming her down, and then we will speak about decision making." He seemed angry that I had brought Kassy back to have her baby. I wondered about it, but I didn't ask. "After she is calm, bring yourself and she into the front parlour."
    I did as I was told, managing to finally calm Kassy down. It was quite a task. I didn't want to lie to her, but that is what it seemed to take to bring her back from whatever world she had locked herself in, leaving only a screaming banshee behind. I told her the stork was real, and that I was wrong. That was all it took. Her crying stopped, she smiled and rose from the floor.
    It made me wonder how "crazy" Kassy really was. Maybe she just liked the attention she received, from me especially. I couldn't help wondering if she used me for some kind of game, some sort of sick amusement. I chose not to think about it as I took her downstairs.
    When we walked into the parlour, my father stood by the window, peering out. He often did that, appearing to be in deep thought. As a child, I would secretly watch him, wondering what he thought about. I was also very proud of my father. I was convinced that no other girl had as handsome a father as I had. It also made me sad, because other girls knew their fathers. I still had yet to know who mine was, even though he was within fingertip's reach.
    He ran his fingers through his light brown hair, the very same as my own. He turned towards us, more towards me, with a look that said that he didn't like my decision. Kassy hadn't said a single word yet, just walked with a stupid smile on her face. Why God had given me this responsibility, was all I could think about.
    Before I could offer any explanations, he began. "Kassy no longer belongs here, Felicity. What were you thinking taking her from her home?" He was so calm, yet his voice held a threat beneath it, as if warning me not to interfere with something I didn't understand.
    "Father, Kassy just started taking care of herself during her monthly! She couldn't possibly take care of herself pregnant!" I cried, sitting down beside my sister.
    "That is not for you to decide. You are no doctor. Maybe if you hadn't spoiled her whims and continued treating her like a child she would have grown up by now."
    I blanched. It wasn't my fault that she was the way she was. I was only trying to help both Kassy and the child. "You know she can't take care of herself, Father. Doctors have told you that very same thing," I nearly whispered. "And I wouldn't have taken care of her like this had you not had me do so my entire life!" I felt all of the pressure and stress I had felt every moment of my life building up, ready to finally explode after fifteen years.
    "Don't blame this on me!" he actually hollered, bringing me back down. I wasn't about to explode. I was scared, for I had never seen my father angry.
    "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blame it on you," I said, confused and hurt. I looked down at the ground, and then rose from my seat. "I'll have her taken back to her home immediately."
    I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye as I started for the door. I didn't know why there were tears trying to force themselves out of my eyes. I wasn't sure if it was because Kassy would be leaving me again, or because my father was being a different man than I'd ever seen him. But as I've said, I didn't really know my father to begin with.
    "Take yourself with her if you're so worried about her," he suddenly said, the guilt in his voice evident. "You usually take care of her over there anyway."
    It was the end of the discussion. I decided to do what Father had suggested. I packed my things up and put our travelling bags outside our rooms in the hall. Then I dressed myself, while Kassy dressed herself. It was one of the things that she did without refusal. Kassy loved clothes. Every other thing, it seemed, she fought everybody on, especially me, like a small child. Her tantrums were most often absolutely ridiculous.
    When I slid into the car alongside my sister, I looked outside at the large house in front of me. I wouldn't be seeing it for several months. I hadn't thought that I would miss it, considering that I would be so close to it. Yet I felt as if it were something final, as if I was leaving something there that would never return to me.
    The feelings confused me. However, my instincts were right. I was about to leave part of me behind. But it wouldn't be in this house. I was leaving my home more a child than I ever could understand. Coming back would be a different story. And somehow, I knew that.

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