"TEARS OF DECEIT" by Sarah Ryniker

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 09/04/2003

Tears of Deceit Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Epilogue

CHAPTER ELEVEN: A LOVE AFFAIR

I wanted her gone. She was fake, and always trying to charm everyone. She took a liking to Eddie, and I watched Eddie's feelings displayed visibly upon his face. He felt shamed because he had feelings for the woman that was to be his stepmother. But by this time, I felt no sympathy for him. He should have been just as wary of her as I was.
    I was sitting in the shrine room one afternoon, staring at my mother's picture thoughtfully when Cry wandered in. I felt her presence the moment she came into the door. She thought herself to be a ruler here, a queen because she was marrying the master. But I was the woman always in control in this house. Nothing would ever change that.
    "Don't think I don't know why my father wishes to marry you," I snapped, shooting a glance at her, and then turning back to the portrait.
    "Why do you think he wants to marry me?" she asked innocently, pretending to not understand.
    I smiled, and shook my head. "I've been sitting here dwelling on it. It takes no fool to realise that you're an almost identical replica of my mother."
    She seemed almost relieved by my answer, and I snapped my head in her direction. She hadn't realised that she'd breathed out with relief. It showed me that there was more to it than just that.
    I couldn't stand being in the room with her. I rose from the chair, and began walking towards the door. "So you believe that to be the reason?" she asked before I could leave.
    "I believe that to be one of them. But I see by the look in your eyes that there is more to it than that. And I will get down to the bottom of it. I always get the answers I want." I gave her a tight smile, and then walked past her, shutting the door behind me. I hoped that she felt my threat with her entire being.
    Then she met Kassy and Allen. I sat, unwillingly, in the front parlour when they arrived. It had been months since they'd been over, and Kassy had given birth to another girl. I didn't offer my assistance in that pregnancy. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. I also hadn't missed them very much, and wasn't anticipating their visit.
    Not that I didn't love Kassy, Brittany and Bambi. They were my family, and I loved them. But with them came that evil, horrible man. And just knowing that my beautiful nieces were his daughters made me feel sad for them. What a horrendous childhood they had in front of them. But it wasn't my place to protect them when I couldn't even protect myself from Allen.
    The moment Cry was introduced to Allen I saw it. She had her eyes set on every man in this family, by the looks of it. She turned her shoulder and flipped her hair, giving him a look that promised a little something for a later. Allen smiled, obviously attracted to her.
    I knew that was to be expected of Allen, but a strange sense of jealousy hit me. I didn't understand if it was jealousy for Kassy that I felt, or jealousy for myself. And I didn't want to dig too deeply into my own feelings to find the truth. I feared what the answer would be.
    But I already knew the answer. The part of myself that was always cruelly honest stung me with words I couldn't fight.
    He's always been obsessed with you, Felicity. You don't need him to be obsessed with this little twit, the little voice whispered into my ear. Don't let her get away with this.
    I promised myself that I wouldn't. Even as the other part of me tried to fight it, I couldn't. I had to prevent her from completely taking over my life. I hated the realisation that I was somehow, perversely still attracted to Allen, and obsessed with him as well. Maybe that was why I "hated" him so much.
    I couldn't prevent what happened between Cry and Allen the first night. I had no control over what they did together, and I had seen the look in Allen's eyes when he had looked at her. He wanted her, and Allen always got what he wanted.
    But I did have control over what I did. But I was a fool, a simple, jealous fool. I had no guilt the next night when I left a note for Allen to meet me in the shrine room. I didn't sign it, so I knew he must have been expecting Cry.
    I wanted to have him in the shrine room for a couple of reasons. One being that it was a very private place, and second because in some sick way I wanted my mother to see what she had done to us by dying. Maybe I knew the truth in my heart then. But whatever it was, I wanted to punish her in some way.
    When he entered, I could tell that he was very shocked to see me standing in there in nothing more than a short, translucent baby-doll nightgown with a matching translucent robe that passed the gown's length and hit the floor gracefully, dragging gently across the carpet as I walked. I knew that I could be sexy when I wanted to. Even with my small breasts and hips, if I wanted, I could be something to admire and lust after. And that was my goal this night. I wore a small amount of make-up and left my hair hanging down around my hips. I usually kept it up, but tonight I would use its beauty to my advantage.
    His look went from shock to pleasantly surprise. I knew the moment I saw the look in his eyes that there would never be a woman that he admired and lusted after as much as me. Even when I was only a thirteen-year-old girl, he had watched my every move. But now I stood before him as a woman, and this time I was more than willing.
    "Allen, things have really confused me," I said, as I walked towards him. He pulled the door shut, and I smiled. "I'm even confused now as to why I'm doing this. I guess all of this time I've had some strange obsession with you, too. Whatever it is, I want you. I do."
    He places his hands on my waist, and I breathed in. I felt guilt-ridden as he bent his head to kiss me. I kissed back, knowing what my body was craving so damn much. He kissed down my throat, and slowly began descending.
    "You're so beautiful," he whispered against my skin. "I've wanted you for so long. I know that I put you through a lot, but I couldn't help myself. I never have been able to when it has come to you."
    His kisses and caresses became more passionate, and I moaned and relaxed. I enjoyed every touch, every word. I was a woman tonight, not a little girl in a woman's body. I was a sex goddess.
    But I wasn't. This wasn't me. I didn't know who had taken over my body. Suddenly, my body tightened, and I wasn't enjoying anything anymore. I felt dirty. I wanted to get away. I needed to stop him before I allowed this to go any further. It may have been different, had he not been married to Kassy. But he was, and this was very, very wrong.
    I shoved hard at his shoulders as he was kneeling down, kissing my stomach. "No!" I cried. "I'm sorry, Allen. I thought I could do this, but I just can't. It's too wrong."
    I turned to leave, but he turned me back to him. "You've wanted me just as much as I've always wanted you, Felicity. You will give in to it. I won't have to force you this time, either," he promised, and then left me there.
    I dropped to my knees, and began to cry. What was I doing? What was wrong with me? I wasn't some wanton sex kitten. I was I. I was strong, bull-headed Felicity. I was also an honest, down-to-earth person. I couldn't imagine myself actually pulling something such as this off. I didn't really want to.
    And how horrible of a person was I, to lust after my sister's own husband? It was easier just to show hatred and disgust. I honestly had thought that it was because of the terrible things he'd done to me. But instead of really feeling repulsed, deep down inside I wanted him to do things to me. I wanted him to touch me.
    I couldn't look at Kassy the next morning at breakfast. We all sat around the dining room table, a family. But as I looked around at everyone, I realised how fake we were. I watched my father stare and admire his young fiancé, my brother just as charmed by her. I watched as Cry and Eddie laughed and joked.
    I saw Allen and Kassy with their daughters. If anyone saw them, they would assume them to be a happy family. After all, they did put on a good act. Allen would ever smile at Kassy, and pat her hand gently every now and then.
    But what I noticed the most was how everyone else was able to pretend to be happy, while I sat brooding. I had no smiles left in me. Even though I sat right next to Eddie, I felt alone. I was a small sailboat out in the middle of a big, dark, threatening ocean. I could feel the seas of emotional doubt and depression coming up to swallow me again.
    I rose from the table, excusing myself from the room quickly. It was too much for me to sit there and know what I knew. It was too much for to sit there and know what a horrible person I was. And it was too much for me to sit there and watch my father and brother makes complete fools over themselves for some little twit, who had no qualms about sleeping with my sister's husband. At least I had stopped it from happening. At least I had felt guilt, and was still feeling it.
    I hid in the shrine room for the rest of the day. I prayed over and over for God to give me the strength that I needed. More and more theses days I found that my strength came from God. If I didn't have my faith, I would have already withered into a complete mess of nothingness.
    I knew that something was really wrong with me. All of this time I had avoided Allen like the plague, and had snapped harshly at him when we were in the same room. Now, I suddenly wanted to be around him. I suddenly wanted his undivided attention. And, most of all, I wanted him to touch and kiss me in places that were craving him like mad.
    For the next few days, I could feel Allen's eyes on me. He had decided to extend their week stay to two weeks. I hated him for it. I knew what he had planned, and I wasn't so certain that it wasn't going to work. I could already feel him wrapping tightly around me. He was a cobra on the hunt, and I was his prey.
    Then one afternoon as I walked along the beach, assuming myself to be alone, I felt him come up behind me. I always knew when it was Allen. Something deep inside of me shook with a desire that I had refused to feel before, but was unable to now.
    He came up behind me, and placed his hands on my hips. "Why do you keep running from me?" he whispered into my ear.
    "Because I have to. You are married to my sister," I said through gritted teeth. "I cannot do that to her."
    "She wouldn't even know," he promised. "Just as she doesn't know about the baby."
    "Allen, stop!" I cried, spinning around. "I can't do that to Kassy. I've always been there for her. It would be the ultimate betrayal to go to bed with her husband."
    "We don't have to go to bed," he growled with a smile. And then, without much of a warning, he pounced. His lips were on mine in a fierce kiss.
    I struggled against him at first, scared of what I was doing. But my body relaxed, and I kissed back. His hand slid in between my thighs and pressed against me. Through the thick brown suede of my pants, I could feel the heat and pressure of his hand making me weak.
    He unbuttoned and took off the jacket of my pants suit, and threw it to the ground without a care. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him, kissing me so thoroughly I was sure to forget everything but him.
    Without realising what I was doing, I began to pull and tug at his clothing. I suddenly wanted him naked. I wanted to feel his skin against mine. It was a seductive thought that made me work faster at it.
    His shirt went, my shirt went, his pants went, my pants went. Suddenly we were in the sand, touching and kissing each other so fervently that the chilly Carmel day turned into a scorching hot day. Then we were completely naked, and I knew it was for sure that I was lost into what I'd tried so hard to fight.
    He was in me roughly, pushing inside deep and hard. I cried out, and lifted my hips. I had never felt anything so exhilarating in my entire life. I called out his name and moaned so loud I was sure that there were people around who heard us.
    And then it was over, and I lay there naked, and feeling the guilt of what I'd done very hard. I was a horrible person. Not only because of what I'd just done, but because I still wanted him. I wanted only him and nobody else.
    I dressed quickly, wanting to escape him, but as I slipped my sandals back on he turned me around to kiss me.
    "Felicity," he breathed when it was over. "I should have waited and married you. I honestly don't think I would have cheated on you."
    Tears burst forth, like a dam had broken somewhere behind my eyes. I turned around and ran up the hill, crying so hard my sides hurt. I kept running after I got up the hill. I ran until I could run no more. And when I was spent from running, I fell to the ground, letting my tears take over.
    I was in love with him. As sick and twisted as I was, I was in love with Allen. I wished that I could have been the one he married. I could have kept him happy enough, in and out of our marriage bed, to keep him loyal to me. Kassy couldn't. Kassy didn't deserve him! And that only angered me further, and tore me up inside all at once.
    I knew then and there that I wouldn't be able to resist what I had been fighting for so long. This was my fault. I felt the guilt eating at me, but it didn't seem to matter. If Allen wanted me, he could have me. He knew that, and that's what ruined me so well.
    I had never thought I'd do this to Kassy. In my lifetime, I had always been the good, innocent girl. I had never done anything wrong. Now here I was, going against God's rules about adultery. I was having an affair with my sister's husband, and it was beyond me to stop it. Yet I was the only one that could. But God forgive me, I didn't know how.

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