"TEARS OF DECEIT" by Sarah Ryniker

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 09/04/2003

Tears of Deceit Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Epilogue

CHAPTER NINE: LOVE AND STRENGTH

Tammy and I were inseparable. I'd never had somebody so close to me. I could tell Tammy some of the deepest, darkest things about me without feeling guilty or probed. She wasn't a doctor, and she had her own problems to share with me.
    Tammy had had problems with men since she was a child because of the fact that her father had molested her. She had no trust of them. I didn't understand what she was telling me, until she practically spelt it out for me.
    "I'm a homosexual, a lesbian. I am attracted to women," she told me one day as we sat outside at the picnic benches during lunchtime. Dr. Andrews had given her one more cafeteria chance because somebody else had brought it on. Jack Matello wasn't allowed back, though.
    "How long have you been attracted to women?" I asked, feeling that I should be grossed out and wanting to pull away from her. But I felt none of that. She only intrigued me more.
    "For as long as I can remember. I've just always been distrustful of men, and women make me feel comfortable. I hope that doesn't make you dislike me. I've lost a lot of friends over it."
    I felt bad for her, and hugged her. "Of course not. I understand perfectly," I assured her. She smiled at me, and we finished our lunch, talking only every so often. We didn't need to speak to one another. We were often just calmed by the other's presence.
    I also understood that I was beginning to really like her. After she told me that, I began to feel that maybe I was the same way. At least I was with her. I'd never been attracted to women before, but with her it was different. She was beautiful, and a wonderful person. Part of me wanted to really be with her, but the other part of me was scared to death.
    Another friend I had begun to make, albeit not as close as Tammy, was Joseph from arts and crafts. I decided that I should maybe ask him about it. I didn't want to ask the doctor. Relationships such as that were strictly forbidden, and I didn't want his opinion on it.
    "Joseph," I called to him one day as I sat at the table, writing. Tammy was in her session with Dr Andrews.
    "Yes?" he asked as he came up to the table. I pulled a chair out, and patted it. He looked around the room for a second before sitting. "Something wrong, Felicity?"
    "Yes! Everything!" I cried, feeling helpless and confused. "I think I'm starting to have real, serious feelings about Tammy."
    "Like how serious?" He leaned closer to me, becoming truly interested in what I was saying.
    "I think I may have sort of a crush on her. And that scares me because I've never been attracted to any woman in my entire life!" I dropped my head to rest on my arms on the table.
    "There is nothing wrong with that, Felicity. Tammy is an attractive, sweet girl. You two are close, and she is interested in women. Maybe Tammy is your soul mate. You're probably not attracted to other women, and probably never will be. But if you're attracted to her, then there is something meant to be between the two of you." He placed his arm on my shoulder, and I lifted my head to look at him.
    "Thank you so much, Joseph! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I needed that so much!" I jumped up, and threw my arms around his neck. "You're such a fantastic guy, and I just love you for it!"
    He laughed. "I'm certainly going to miss you when you go, Fel," he said, using the nickname he'd given me.
    I pulled back to look at him with a smile. "I'll miss you, too!" Then I hugged him tighter. He was a wonderful person, and I wanted him to know that I thought so.
    But as I held tightly to him, Tammy came in to find me. Her eyes widened, and I felt the hurt and shame she felt before I saw it in her beautiful eyes. She shook her head, and then ran down the hall.
    I pulled from Joseph, and ran down the hall after her. I knew that she was going straight to her room, and I was hoping to catch her before she locked me out. I needed to tell her what I realised about myself, and my feelings. She needed to know that I really cared for her the way that she obviously cared for me.
    I caught her just at her door, and I grabbed her arm. "Wait! Tammy, I need to tell you something."
    She shook her head. "No, it's fine, Felicity. I understand. You're not like me. I shouldn't have allowed myself to develop feelings for you. I feel so ashamed of myself."
    "No!" I cried, getting her attention enough to look at me. I smiled, and shook my head. "No, that's what I need to tell you. Joseph has helped me realise something. And that something is that never in my life have I ever felt this way before about anyone. I think I am falling in love with you!" I blurted out before I could stop myself.
    "Oh, Felicity," she whispered, looking into my eyes. I was so lost into the depths of those eyes. Suddenly, on impulse, I leaned over and kissed her, the very first kiss of my life.
    She looked about nervously, and then pulled me into the room. "Are you serious, Felicity? Do you really feel that way? Because I don't want to be hurt."
    "I have no intention of ever hurting you, Tammy. I promise. I deeply feel that way." She finally smiled, and then leaned over and kissed me.
    I was so frightened at first. Not because it was my real first kiss, but because it was with another woman. In all of my dreams I'd never once dreamed of a woman. But now all of my dreams were about her. I wanted to always be with her.
    "I do love you, Tammy. I know that I do. You're all I ever think about. I never want to feel this way about anyone ever again." It felt odd for me to be saying these things. It wasn't like me to be this way towards anyone. I was normally such a silent, secretive person.
    "I've been in love with you since I met you," she whispered, just inches from my face. It felt good to be cared about like this. I felt no shame, but was upset that we had to hide it.
    "We can't let anyone know about this," I told her sadly. "First off, romantic relationships are against the rules, I can't imagine what they'd do about a lesbian one. But you're also four years older than me. You'd get into so much trouble."
    She nodded. "I know. And we can. Don't you worry about it."
    I stayed in the room with her for as long as I could that night. We kissed and talked and laid together in her bed, talking about our dreams for our futures. She smiled as she ran her fingers through my hair. "Before you, I never wanted to get out of this place. Now, all I think about is getting better and running away with you. I am so happy when I am just thinking about you." She sighed, and curled up tighter next to me.
    "Before you, I never thought of women. I never was attracted to women." Then, I decided there was a confession that was necessary. "I was, and still am, attracted to men, though. You're the only one I see, but I still think some men are sexy."
    "So, you can check out actors and good-looking me, and I can check out actresses and good-looking women. Nothing wrong with that," she laughed.
    I felt relieved that she understood my whole dilemma. I felt so strongly for her, but I was attracted to men as well. It was a frightening feeling. She was the only woman in my life that had ever made me feel this way. And I couldn't pinpoint the feelings, or where they'd come from.
    The next week passed by so slowly at times, but then quickly other times. It went by slowly when we were together, but people were watching so that we couldn't hardly even look at each other, for fear that we would give something away. I didn't know what would be done to either of us should our secret come out.
    But when we got together by ourselves, it was wonderful. I felt safe and secure. I also felt very loved. Nobody in the world had ever cared about me the way Tammy did. She made me feel as if I was the only one that existed. And, to her, maybe I was.
    And then it happened one night. I lay in my bed, tossing and turning. It was storming pretty badly outside, and I had always been frightened of storms. I wanted to be in the one place that made me feel safe, Tammy's arms.
    I sneaked down the hall, hoping that nobody would catch me. I had no story for if I was caught, coming or going from Tammy's room. When I got there, I knocked, praying that she was still awake.
    She was, and when she opened the door, lightning flashed and silhouetted her figure in blue light. She appeared so beautiful to me that night, and I knew that I'd come here for a reason that my body was telling me, but a reason I hadn't caught onto just yet.
    I knew then, when I looked at her, though. She made my heart pound, and my head feel dizzy. I was excited in places I'd been excited before but hadn't ever explored. But I was willing now. I was in love, and I wanted Tammy more than anything else in the world.
    I remember every kiss and caress of that night. We stayed together through the night, holding each other through the storm. But as I sneaked back to my room during the early morning hours, guilt flooded through me. I began to rethink everything that I had come to believe in the past two weeks.
    I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, knowing that I'd done the wrong thing. I knew that I'd attached myself to Tammy in such a way only because she was the only person, male or female, who had ever understood me. Suddenly, everything that I'd done with Tammy made me feel sick to my stomach. What had I done?
    I skipped down to the cafeteria right before it opened that morning. I ate quickly, and managed to get out of there before Tammy came in. I knew that she would be looking for me, but, shame-ridden, even looking at her would be difficult.
    I got down to the arts and crafts room as fast as I could. When I entered, Joseph was setting up the room. He turned to tell whoever it was that arts and crafts wasn't yet open, but when he saw it was me and saw how distraught I was, he quickly pulled out a chair and ushered for me to sit.
    I did so, still breathing heavy. I felt like there was a giant weight on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. I had done something so wrong. I didn't really love Tammy, but I had been attracted to her long enough to do something with her that she considered special but I considered, now, disgusting and wrong.
    "Joseph," I breathed. "I did something horrible, and I feel so guilty that I want to go hide away in my room until they let me out!"
    "Calm down a minute, Fel, and tell me everything," he said, setting his hands on my arm.
    Finally, I nodded and took a deep breath. "I sneaked into Tammy's room last night, and we had sex. If you can call touching one another that."
    "Why do you feel guilty and everything? Is it because it's in your head that lesbianism is wrong?" His concern made me feel more at ease.
    "No, it's not that," I said, shaking my head. "I just thought that I cared more for Tammy than I actually do. Now I feel guilty because I unwittingly led her on. What should I do?"
    "All you can do is tell her that you've realised that your feelings don't run as deeply as you'd first thought." Then he looked thoughtful for a moment. "This was the first time anyone had ever spent any time with you, or paid attention to you, wasn't it?"
    I nodded, and he looked down. "That's why you felt that way, Felicity. Though I did find it slightly odd that you'd never been attracted to women before and suddenly were. But it could have meant a million things, so I went for the positive. I take some of the blame for this."
    "Don't. It was wonderful feeling special. But now I feel dirty and wrong. I can't live with myself like this," I told him. Then, people began to come through the door, and I had to dismiss myself.
    I immediately searched for Tammy. I had to get this over with. I needed to tell her that I just couldn't go on this way. I wasn't in love with her as I thought I was. But I was sixteen years old, wasn't I allowed to be unsure like this?
    I found her outside; her head hanging, her shoulders slumped. I could see that she already guessed that something was wrong. I sat beside her, and she lifted her head to look at me. She smiled sadly. "You don't need to say anything, I understand. I actually expected it," she said. She looked away for a second, and then looked into my eyes. "You may not feel what I feel, Felicity, but no matter what, I'll always love you."
    I was left out there, speechless. She didn't want to hear what I had to say. She escaped my words quickly. And I felt so damned guilty for what I'd done. How could I have mistaken my feelings like I had? How could I have broken such a fragile heart?
    I didn't see Tammy in the cafeteria or anywhere around the hospital after that. Joseph told me that she rarely, if ever, came into the arts and crafts room. I told him that the guilt I felt made me almost want to pretend that my feelings that I'd been having were still there, and that I'd been wrong.
    "Never do that, Felicity. It's not good to pretend something that you don't feel," he warned ominously. "Don't lead the poor girl on, and don't ever sacrifice your personal confidence for somebody else. You noticed when you were in danger of bringing yourself down. You felt gross and wrong, and that is why you put a stop to it. Don't feel bad. Every now and then a person needs to do something for themselves."
    "I guess I am just so used to not doing what I want. I'm used to giving up the things that I want for somebody else." I sighed, thinking of Kassy and how often I sacrificed the things I felt and did for her. She was part of the reason that I was even here.
    He smiled. "That's not too horrible a fault. Being selfless gets you into Heaven," he laughed. "But everyone is entitled to some selfishness. Besides, it's better for Tammy that you don't pretend to be in a wonderful relationship with her. You're really doing her a favour. I promise."
    I nodded. I felt better, but I still felt horrible. But I just couldn't go on in a relationship that I didn't feel was right. I had only meant to be friends with Tammy, and somehow it had turned into something more. I had been curious, and my curiosity had got me nothing but feelings of guilt and remorse. I just didn't know how to make it better.
    "If I'm doing such a good service to both of us, why do I feel lousy?" I asked, pouting as I put my hands on either side of my face.
    "Because you're human, and you don't want to hurt somebody that you really did care about. You both just took it to a level that was too much for you. It is partially Tammy's fault. She should have said no, and left it at a friendship level. But she didn't." He patted my shoulders. "Sorry, kid. I know how it feels to really hurt somebody who is a good friend."
    I looked up at him. "Do you?" He nodded. "What happened?" I was curious. Joseph had become somewhat of a know-it-all God to me. He seemed to know exactly how to help me deal with my problems, and assure me that I was normal. Seeing or hearing about him messing up really intrigued me.
    "Well, I was really good friends with three sisters when I was a child. The younger sister was four years younger than the older sister and myself. She was a tagalong, but a loyal girl who never had any bad intentions.
    "Well, one day, when she was fourteen years old, she confessed to being in love with me. I felt horrible when her sister stepped out from behind me in the woods. She was naked. We had just made love right there in the woods, and had become engaged.
    "The look on Amelia's face was that of a broken angel. She was a beautiful girl, and to see the pain in her eyes was horrible. I could see how stupid she felt, as well." He sighed. "The whole two years I was married to Anna, I never saw Amelia. If she heard that we were going to a family get-together, she wouldn't go. If the family were invited to our home, she wouldn't show up.
    "I ended up deciding that I chose the wrong sister, however, when I caught Anna cheating on me with a friend of mine. I felt like the idiot then." I saw the memories in his eyes, and felt so horrible. "Sometimes I wish that Amelia was here so I could tell her that I was wrong."
    "Why don't you ever try to call her?" I asked, forgetting about my problems for the moment. I could tell that bringing up the old memories had really got to Joseph.
    "I'd feel like an ass," he laughed, pulling himself from his reverie. "It's really no big deal. It was a long six years ago, now. I'm sure Amelia is happily married, and wouldn't want to hear from the likes of me."
    "I'm sure you're wrong. I'm sure that she would want to see you. And I think that you should at least try!" I told him firmly. He was too good of a man to be so alone.
    "You're a good kid, Felicity. A really good kid. You remind me a lot of Amelia. Maybe that's why I've found myself thinking about her ever since you came through that door and began to speak." He smiled.
    I smiled back. "I really think that the best thing for you to do is to get in contact with her. What's the worst that can happen?"
He shrugged. "I suppose I'm just scared that if I call I'll find out that she's married, has a boyfriend or just plain doesn't want to talk to me."
    "All of those won't kill you, even if they do break your heart. Go for it. Make an attempt to fall in love again, this time with the right sister."
    He looked at me thoughtfully. "You're a smart girl. And you're right. I think I will give her a call," he decided. "You're right, nothing that horrible can happen."
    Just as the words left his mouth, there was a scream from down the hall. We both looked in the direction of the door, and then looked at each other. I think both of us knew before we even rushed out the door and down the hall what had happened.
    An ambulance was rushing through the halls, and down the floor that Tammy's rooms and mine were on. I watched, praying that it wasn't her room they stopped at. My prayers came unanswered as they stopped directly in front of her door.
    A paramedic and policeman pulled Jack Matello from the room. I knew the moment I saw him that something was severely wrong. I ran down the hall at lightning speed, against Joseph's warnings. "What's wrong? What happened?" I demanded of the nearest police officer.
    "Nothing, young lady. Just go and relax. Nothing is going on there." He spoke to me as if I weren't only crazy but completely stupid.
    "Listen, I am not an idiot. I know something is going on in there, and it has something to do with my best friend! Now let me see her! I have to know that she's alright!" I tried to get past him, and he and another police officer restrained me.
    "Let her go, I need to speak with her," I heard Dr Andrews say as he came from Tammy's room. His eyes looked at me sympathetically before he told me. I knew; he didn't have to tell me.
    "No, Dr Andrews. No, it's not true, please," I begged, crying and giving up trying to get past the officers. "But how?"
    "I'm sorry, Felicity. But it isn't exactly what you think it is, either," he said, taking me away from the scene. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and held me close to his side.
    "What happened, Dr Andrews? Why was Jack in there?" I asked, the tears blurring my vision.
    "Tammy was really depressed, Felicity. When Jack came in to pester her, she didn't react to his normal little stunts. She ignored him. Jack became angry, and grabbed a rather large book that was in her room and began smashing her in the head with it. When she got up to run from him, he shoved her against the dresser. She smacked her head so hard it knocked her out," he said, and I wiped at my eyes.
    "So she's alive? She's going to be alright?" I asked, the hope in my voice obvious. I just couldn't imagine something so awful happening to somebody I cared about so much.
    "No, Felicity. She's not going to be all right. Tammy is in a coma, and may not come out of it." He sighed. "I'm so sorry." He dropped me off at my room, where I sat on my bed and thought long and hard.
    I loved Tammy dearly. But I couldn't let this get me so far down that it ruined my chances of healing. I wanted to leave this place. It was something I had decided long ago. I wouldn't let this interfere with getting better, no matter how terrible.
    I had been here at the hospital for seven incredibly long months. It was November, now. The holidays were approaching at lightning speed, and all I could think about was seeing my family. The thought of Kassy, Eddie and Father made me want to heal faster. I wanted to spill out everything, and prove to Dr Andrews that I was better, that I was once again sane and normal.
    The incident with Tammy only made me want that more. I found that too many things could happen to somebody in their lifetime to make them crazy. I wasn't crazy. I was somebody who needed help, and had found it. I had no terminal illness. I wasn't about to let this kill me.
    I left the hospital a week before Christmas. I remember packing my things up, and thinking about how exciting it would be to see my family again. I hadn't realised how much I loved them and needed them until now. I had always thought that it was the other way around. I wasn't dependent on their love; they were dependent on mine. Another revelation of myself was revealed to me in the strangest of ways. Now all I wanted to do was go home.
    As I walked towards the front lobby, Joseph was waiting there for me. He smiled when he saw me, and I smiled back. He had been the only person here who I really felt had become a part of me. He had become my big brother in a horrible storm. He was also the only one to give me a good-bye gift.
    "This can be for your seventeenth birthday that I missed, too," he laughed as he handed me the pretty wrapped, square gift.
    I took it from his hands, and began to gently tear at the paper, intending to keep it. From within the folds of the shiny gift-wrap came a small, pale blue book. The cover was so blue it actually matched my eye colour. On the front, written in dark blue on top of white lace that had been glued to the cover, was "Poems of the Heart by Felicity Catherine Lavigne".
    It was the most special and beautiful gift anyone had ever given to me. Over the time I had been in this place I had written many poems. Joseph hadn't shown Dr Andrews as I'd assumed he had. Instead, he had kept them, and put them into a book. I held back tears as memories assaulted me. I hadn't realised how attached I'd become. Especially after befriending Joseph, and becoming so involved and really caring for Tammy.
    I hugged him tightly, for once in my life really showing affection. "Thank you so much, Joseph. I can never thank you enough for being with me during this time." I tried to stop the onslaught of tears, but didn't prevail. The waterfall of tears wet the shoulder of his shirt.
    "It's alright. You're a good kid, and you've made me realise a thing or two. Go home; be happy. I'll call you if there are any updates on Tammy," he promised. I knew that things weren't about to change. Tammy had been in a coma for a month now. If the doctors had their way with it, they would take her off the machines and just let her die. She was already gone.
    "You better call me no matter what!" I said in a playful, threatening voice. He laughed, and I smiled at him. "Thanks again," I said, serious now.
    "Thank you, Felicity." I wrinkled my forehead in confusion. "You were right about Amelia." He smiled.
    I smiled back, and threw my arms about him once more. "I'm so happy for you!" I cried. "Now you will live happily ever after!" I predicted.
    "You're not one to believe in fairytales, Felicity. I'm surprised in you," he teased, and I smiled.
    "I believe in them for you," I said, and hugged him tighter. "I'd better get going out that door. If I'm not waiting out there, they are bound to leave me!" He laughed, and I went outside to wait for Kingsman to pick me up.
    Kingsman, as always, didn't speak much on the way home. He simply smiled his welcome, and I smiled back. I could tell that he was somewhat happy to see me coming home. But he was also very unsure of me now. Who knew when I could have another outburst? It upset me to realise that was how my whole family would more than likely treat me now.
    It was Father's fault, though. If he had just let me stay home, if he hadn't sent me back to cover up my pregnancy, I wouldn't have gone crazy. But just knowing that my father had betrayed me in such a way disturbed me. Someone I trusted, maybe not really loved, but at least trusted, had taken away that trust with one blow to the heart. He hadn't protected me the way I had thought that he would.
    I wasn't sure that looking at him would be an easy task. I wasn't sure what would happen once I saw my father again. After all, there hadn't been a single time during a single day of visiting hours when he had come to see me. It seemed that once I was out of sight, I was completely out of mind. I was convinced that my father didn't want to have anything to do with me.
    I couldn't understand why he didn't want me around. Was it because I reminded him of the wife he'd lost? Was it because he thought that the pregnancy was my fault? I really couldn't say, considering that I didn't know the man. He had been there my whole life, but he hadn't really existed to my siblings or I at all.
    I was seventeen years old now. Things had become much more complicated over the past five years. Things had changed, and then changed again so fast it made my head spin. All of it made me realise just how much more growing up I really had to do. I wasn't nearly as old as I could get. I had a lot of years ahead of me. And that was a frightening thought.

Back to Home