"TEARS OF DECEIT" by Sarah Ryniker

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 09/04/2003

Tears of Deceit Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Epilogue

CHAPTER FIVE: ALLEN

I felt the need to go home after that. I needed to get to the shrine room. And as time wore on, I was beginning to realise how obsessed I was with the shrine room. I seemed to have an irresistible need to run to it when I was angry, especially angry, or hurt. I could somehow blame it on her, and that strangely made it feel better.
    Finally, I gave orders to the servants about taking care of Kassy, and I left for home. I needed to be there. I didn't want to see my father, and had no intention of even telling him that I was home. I went straight to the shrine room the moment Kingsman opened the door. When I walked in there, I shut the door.
    I stared up at that huge picture, as often I did, and with sadness, I began. "Maybe Kassy would be normal if you were still alive. And if she was, Father wouldn't have had a reason to marry her off to a man that doesn't love her."
    Then, sadness turned to anger. "How could you let something like that happen? Aren't you supposed to be in Heaven, watching over us? That's what we've always been told, but I know now that it's a lie, all of it. You're not up there watching over us. You're probably in Hell!"
    It was the shortest visit to the shrine room ever. It didn't get rid of the pain and anger, either. I slammed out of the room, feeling even worse. I had never let my temper get wild, but it felt as if it were taking over my very being. I needed to get it out of me somehow. But I had no outlet other than the shrine room. I didn't want an outlet, though, I realised. I wanted to attack my father.
    Just as I was on my way to find Father, I ran into Eddie. He looked up as he heard my footsteps approaching. It always amazed me how he knew who was coming just by the sounds of their footsteps. I was hoping that he wouldn't recognise mine, but sure enough, he turned toward the direction of my footsteps. "Felicity? What are you doing here?"
    I stopped walking, and almost thought of not saying anything. It wasn't like he could see me. But I had never done such a thing to him before, and I wouldn't do it now. "I need to speak with Father, Eddie. He has done the most horrible thing." I debated on whether or not I should tell him. Didn't he have the right to know, too?
    He cocked his head to the side. "What could he have done that is so horrible that you had to come see him in person?"
    "He paid Allen off to marry Kassy!" I blurted before thinking further. It didn't matter; Eddie didn't have much of a temper, like me. We both chose to discuss things with people. However, we did get hurt easily and we felt things way down deep inside of our very souls.
    "I understand why you wish to talk to him," he said. "But he's not in the house. He went walking outside a while ago. He told me that he needed a walk and would be back later."
    "Well, then I'll just go find him," I announced, not willing to give up. I also was hoping to find him quickly, wanting to get back to Kassy before she awoke.
    Eddie shrugged, and continued on his way, wherever it may be. I went out one of the side doors and began my search. I followed the garden paths, and once I realised that he wasn't going to be anywhere in the garden, I left the path to look down by the beach.
    As I approached the beach, I saw my father's figure standing with his shoulders slumped, hands in pockets with his head hanging down. As I got closer I saw that he'd taken off his shoes and socks, and had rolled up his pant legs. He was close enough so that the water came to brush his feet, and remove the sand from beneath them. He seemed oblivious to the cold ocean water and the sounds that surrounded him.
    But as I walked up besides him, my arms crossed beneath my breasts, I found he wasn't as oblivious as I'd first thought. At first he just stood there, and I figured he was so deep in thought he wouldn't even notice me standing beside him. But then he spoke. "Your mother and I used to walk down here when we were children. We were friends then. We weren't so young. She had moved here when she was twelve. I had a crush on her even then, when I was only a mere thirteen years old. But we were good friends.
    "When our parents married, it wasn't so shocking. We knew it was bound to happen. We had expected it. Her mother had left her father not long after they arrived here, and my father had died and left my mother to the family business three years earlier. They had moved into the house with us, being that her father had been an old friend of my father's. Our parents became friendly, and then it was there." He sighed so deeply I was certain that it had come from deep down in his heart where he hurt the most.
    "What happened after they got together? Why did you and Mother still marry?" I was honestly curious. I had never truly heard the story of my parents and grandparents.
    "It was my fault. I was in love with her. And I was furious that they had married and perhaps ruined my chance of ever marrying the girl that was now my stepsister.
    "However, your grandfather surprised me and insisted that we marry. She fought him tooth and nail, but I still got what I wanted. She hated us both for it. Though I'll never really know why he made her marry me."
    He gave me the impression that he did know but didn't want to say. But I didn't push him. It was enough to know that my father had loved my mother, and she had not wanted to have anything to do with him. She had wanted to be his friend, but by the workings of Father and my grandfather, she was forced into something more.
    I got a stab of feeling for Mother and what she must have felt. I felt anger, disgust and hatred. How could anyone be so cruel as to force a young woman to marry a man she didn't love? Didn't they know that, to especially women, love was the most important thing in the world? I wasn't a romantic, but I believed that love either happened or it didn't happen. And if it didn't happen, you didn't marry. I had a feeling that I would never marry.
    Father looked so miserable and guilty, however, that I didn't say anything to him about that. But I had come here for a purpose. And that purpose was to try to understand why he did what he did.
    I didn't have to ask that, either. "I'm sorry, Felicity," he nearly whispered.
    I looked over at him in question. "Sorry for what?"
    "Sorry because you're right in some ways. You are wrong in one way, though. I didn't marry her off because I couldn't bear to think that my precious wife could give birth to something so stupid." He took a deep breath. "I paid Allen to marry her because I couldn't stand to see my own failure. Kassy was a wreck after your mother left, and I should have got counselling for her then. And then, I furthered my failure by making you her mother. And yes, you did become her mother. And I am so sorry for that."
    "Left? But Mother died, she didn't just leave us." Why did the word "left" make my heart pound fiercely in my chest? It made certain memories of conversations come up into my head and swirl around, taunting me, trying to get me to remember something that I just couldn't grasp.
    He nodded. "Yes, she died. But I prefer to believe that she just simply left. It's easier to believe that maybe she's living her life happily somewhere else."
    After that, he said nothing more. He simply stared at the ground as the sand was continuously washed away. At least he had given me the answer I had been looking for. I had been right that he'd had selfish motives by getting rid of Kassy. But I was wrong to think that he didn't feel guilt over it. But I couldn't help wondering if he felt guilt now because I'd found out, or if he'd always felt it.
    I left him there, not knowing what I could possibly say to the man. We weren't close. We would never be close. He was lost in his own world; one that he'd disappeared into when my mother died. He had forgot everything but the memories of his wife, himself and the guilt he felt over forcing her to do something she hadn't wanted to.
    I left without saying good-bye to Eddie. Things hadn't been the same between us since we were children. The split between us had deepened after the rise to and fall from fame. He seemed to just sink into himself, not wanting to admit that he was lonely. And having his twin sister as his only friend would remind him even further that he was completely alone.
    When I arrived back at Kassy's home, I still felt depression hovering over my head like a dark cloud that stormed over just me and nobody else. How could my family be so alone in the world? I'd never known any family to be so ostracised from the entire world. None of us had any friends. None of us even had acquaintances. We all just went about our business, maybe all of us hoping that someday we would hear the sound of music in the halls as we made our way to the deserted ballroom, hoping that someday we would have fancy dinners and holiday parties where we would dance and be carefree.
    But I knew that my family was doomed to forever be alone. I didn't even consider us a family. We were more just people who knew each other and lived amongst each other. We hardly ever spoke to one another. How sad we all were. But we all knew that the loneliness would be much worse if we talked to each other. We would realise how small our world really was.
    Allen arrived home not long after I got there. He always came home exactly two hours before dinner. Sometimes he would stay home, other times he would go out with some "associates" from work. Kassy fell for it. But I knew damned well where he was going. And he was going there that night.
    "Is it really necessary for you to cheat on your wife?" I snapped as he headed for the front door.
    He didn't even have the audacity to look innocent. He shrugged, something that he often did that annoyed me beyond reasoning. "She's pregnant," he used as an excuse.
    "What has your excuse for yourself been before she was? You do know that pregnant women can have sex, right?" I stood with my weight bent all on my left leg, and my arms crossed over my chest.
    "Well, maybe she's only pregnant because I want someone to carry on my family name. And maybe she doesn't satisfy my needs."
    I could see that I made him tick the same way he made me tick. "She's my sister, you prick," I snapped. "As long as I'm here I would like it if you didn't cheat. She needs you right now as much as she needs me."
    He came up to me so fast I hadn't a chance to back off. "A man has needs, Felicity. Needs your sister can't fulfil. She actually cries and screams as if I am raping her when I have to force myself on her just to get a child. What else do you expect me to do?"
    Without warning, he grasped my arms and pulled me so close I could feel every inch of him. I swallowed back the fear that was coming up to grip my body. I couldn't move. I was completely frozen right where I was.
    "You want to fulfil my needs, Felicity? Do you want to be my live-in whore whole my wife is pregnant?" He breathed heavily. I could feel his groin growing hard.
    I finally let out a cry, and then shoved at him. "No! Go do whatever you have to do, and never touch me again!" I screamed, and ran away from him.
    He had only pressed me against him, hadn't even really touched me in any places that were forbidden to any man that wasn't my husband. But I felt dirty; as if I'd done something that I wasn't supposed to be doing. I took a long bath, hoping to get rid of the feeling. But I couldn't. In truth, I felt molested in one way, but it had also made me tingle in the most embarrassing areas of my body. I had made a man want me. To know that made my body react in ways it never had. And that was even more frightening than what he had done.
    I would never, in my life, do that to Kassy, though. I wasn't really attracted to Allen, anyway. His cheating on my sister made him even less attractive. However, he had been the first man to be so forward, and that was why I was reacting to it. Maybe if he did it again, I wouldn't have that reaction.
    But just the thought of him doing it again made me feel sick and excited all at once all over again. I felt so disloyal. Not to just Kassy but to myself as well. How could one be so repulsed yet so exhilarated at the same time? My feelings made me want to vomit, which is just what I did after removing myself from the bathtub.
    I checked on Kassy after I dressed myself. She was sitting up in bed, just waking up from her nap. Pregnancy made her extremely tired, and she could sleep for hours and hours without waking up once. She smiled at me as I came in, and I knew that she recognised me as her sister, not the nurse her other half believed me to be.
    "Did you have a nice nap, Kassy?" I asked, sitting beside her on the bed. Oddly, she was the only person in the world that could make me feel comfortable with myself and make me feel welcome. She didn't even know or understand what she did, and I think that is what made me so relaxed the moment I was in her presence.
    She nodded. "Yes! I can't believe I slept so long. Is it past dinnertime?" She looked disappointed about missing dinner. Her appetite had grown quite large as well, considering that she hardly ate anything before pregnancy. She was the type of person who pecked at her food like a small bird and left the majority of it on her plate, merely moved around to give it the appearance that it had been eaten. It was something she did as a child when Susie would force her to eat her dinner.
    "You did miss dinner, but I can have something brought up to you if you'd like." She smiled and nodded. I left the room to do as she wanted, hoping that there was still leftovers from dinner, and the chef wouldn't have to make her a whole new meal. I knew, already, how testy their chef was. Kassy was afraid of him, and would sometimes go hungry if she'd missed dinner because of napping.
    I made my way to the kitchen, and pushed my way through the doors, only to be greeted by the most sickening scene I'd had yet to meet in my life. Allen hadn't gone anywhere. He was right here in this very kitchen with one of the maids. She was up on the counter, her skirt shoved around her hips, her panties missing, her top pulled down to expose her breasts. And Allen was right between her legs, his own pants down around his ankles.
    I was frozen in place, unable to take my eyes off of the scene playing before me. Both knew that I was standing there, but neither of them seemed to care. My mind was begging my disobedient legs to move and get out of there. But my eyes continued to stare, unable to move from the two.
    The woman looked over, and smiled at me before letting out a loud moan. Allen turned towards me then, and grinned himself. "You can join if you'd like, Felicity," he said, and his eyes told me that he was very serious.
    I finally could run. I turned and ran so fast, my legs felt as if they were on fire. Instead of running upstairs to Kassy's room, I ran outside and through the gardens. I just wanted to get away. I wanted to get that image out of my head forever. Just seeing what I did made me feel dirty inside and out.
    When I finally stopped, I sat on a bench inside of the gazebo in the garden. The roar of the ocean was all around me, but it didn't calm my nerves. It never had, and this time wasn't an exception. I forced myself to calm down and breathe normally, but even after I could take slower breaths, my nerves felt frazzled.
    I felt the embarrassment all over me. I couldn't even bear to face Kassy. And there was no way I'd ever be able to look at Allen again without seeing that display before my eyes. No matter how I tried, the scene played over and over in my head. I closed my eyes and tried to think of other things, cleaner things, but it was no use. For some reason, it was stuck there.
    Maybe it was because I was so fascinated by it. I had never seen sex before. I knew of it, yes, but I'd never actually witnessed any sort of sexual act. Kissing itself was almost completely foreign to me.
    But to actually see something so shocking, yet so exotic all at once, made my heart pound. Once again my body betrayed me with its fascination and quick reaction, while my heart and mind told me over and over that it was disgusting and immoral. I felt even dirtier by the fact that I was so fascinated by it.
    And how could I ever face Kassy again knowing what I knew? How could I face her knowing that my body was suddenly attracted to her very sexual husband? And Allen was the type of guy that you would find in the Playboy mansion, partying with all of the beautiful women. He was sex and nothing but sex. Maybe it was only natural that my body be attracted to that.
    I knew for certain that neither my heart nor my mind wanted anything to do with it, however. And I wouldn't let my body give in to something so wrong and immoral. I vowed then and there to avoid Allen at all costs, and never to freeze again should I come upon a situation with him. And never again would I allow my body to react to the things that he did.
    When I finally found myself back at the house, Kassy was outside looking for me. She was more herself now that I was here, being the child that Allen didn't know very well. She leaned on me, once again, always making sure that I wasn't far from her.
    When she saw me, she looked relieved. "I was certain you had left me. Did I do something wrong? Allen said he saw you run outside really fast! Did the chef scare you, too?" She shot her questions out before I could answer even the first one.
    I simply shook my head. "No, I'm fine, you did nothing wrong. Just forget about it, okay?"
    "Okay!" She smiled broadly, and turned to go back in. I followed back in, though my thoughts turned back to what she'd said.
    Allen had watched me come out here. Had he stopped what he was doing to maybe follow me? A chill of fear ran through my body. Just how closely was my brother-in-law watching me? And did he have in mind for me what I was attempting to avoid?

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