A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for goodness sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.
"How was your summer"? asks bee number one.
"Not too good", says bee number two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
Bee number one says, "Hey, I've got a great place for you to go. Fly down to the next corner and hang a left. There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers, plenty of fruit."
Bee number two says, "Thanks!" and buzzes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
Bee number one says, "So, how was the bar mitzvah?"
"Great!!!" says his buddy bee.
The first bee looks at his pal and asks, "So what's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp!"

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Damn," says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying,
"Relax...; you are NOT the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.
But, another voice kept nagging at me,
"They are probably not veterinarians!"

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"
The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs."
Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you go!!"
"Corgies", Luke replies.

Animals:

Q) How do you make a bull sweat?
A) Give him a tight Jersey.

Q)Have you heard of the new oriental cookbookbook?
A) Its called 101 ways to wok your dog.

Q) What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuiseinart?
A) Rhesus pieces.

Q) If an elephants front legs were doing 60 miles per hour...what would the back legs be doing?
A) Hauling ass !!!!!

Q) You know what elephants use as tampons....right?? Sheep. But do you know why elephants have trunks?
A) Because sheep don't have strings.

Q) Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A) Because their peckers are on their faces. .

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed "Where are the ice creams?
"Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."
His lady friend was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard."