One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully" he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful,......just fucking beautiful!'"

The teacher asked: "Little Johnny, "if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?"
Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack!"

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Johnny came home all excited one day running into the kitchen tugging on his mothers apron wanting to know how much water a mouse had in it. Mother, not really knowing what to say, she tried to brush it aside by asking Johnny why he wanted to know. Johnny replied,
Well, one ran up the teachers dress at school today and when she clamped her legs together, I'll bet she squeezed a whole gallon out of that little ole' mouse.

One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Johnny, sitting on the toilet masturbating.
The priest was shocked. He told Johnny that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage. Little Johnny agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.
About a week later the priest ran into Johnny at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.
Johnny replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:
"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."
Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:
"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit...Horseshit...Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"