A guy dreamed he died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw all these naked women just standing around.He asked another man,
"What do you do when you want some of that?"
The guy says "Take her behind the white cloud."
He took this pretty blonde behind the white cloud. Later he took a Redhead behind the white cloud.That wasn't enough so he took a black headed woman behind the white cloud. Then he asked the same guy
" where do take a shit around here?"
The guy said, " Go be hind the white cloud."
Then he asked the guy,
"What do you wipe your ass on here?"
The guy said ,"Tear off a piece of white cloud."
About that time he was awoken from his dream,His wife said,
" Wake up you son of a bitch."You've screwed me three times, Shit the bed ,Now you're trying to wipe your ass on my night gown

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says,
"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says,
"I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says,
"I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says,
"I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says,
"No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

It's 2 am and the doorbell rings. The father opens the door. There stands his oldest son, on crutches.
"Why did you ring the doorbell?"
"My arm hurts and I couldn't reach my keys."
"What happened to your leg?"
"It's not broken, just sprained, the ER Nurse said it would be fine, and the Cop was wrong anyway."
"Cop, what cop?"
"The Cop that came to investigate."
"Investigate what??"
"The accident."
"Accident, WHAT ACCIDENT????"
"It wasn't an accident anyway, it's just how I hurt my leg."
"How DID you hurt your leg?"
"The jeep fell on it."
"Jeep? Fall on it? HOW?"
"When we were turning it over."
"It turned OVER? HOW????"
"We were driving slowly down a gravel road, and a rabbit ran in front of us. In an attempt to miss the rabbit, I moved a bit to the right, and the jeep went down the drainage slope and turned over. None of us was hurt."
"None of you? How many of you were there."
"Oh, 5 or 6, and the Cop was wrong, the skid marks weren't 25 feet long, he must have measured something else."

A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son
"Son! How many times have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"
The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad."

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Married Men Only:

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him,
"Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said,
"Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years: I wonder how the girls are doing?"

A young couple decide to tie the knot and went to the doctor for physical exams. Afterward the doctor calls the young man into his office and told him he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news!?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about it just last week from my dog's vet."

One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.
The little boy said "No, she is at the whorehouse".
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied,
"No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush".
The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch".
The little boy said "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks".

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.
"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say,
"Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

A Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.

She checked on him often to see if he had learned the lesson and heard
1,2,3,4,5,6,7.
She was very happy until one day she checked and heard
3-5, 3-5, 3-5.

A young couple visiting a local art gallery came upon a life size portrait depicting a gorgeous naked woman, standing in a flower garden, with a little foliage, stratigically placed. The wife thought the painting was done in bad taste and moved on. The husband stayed, seemingly transfixed by it.
"What are you waiting for ", the wife finally called ot, "autumn??