An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've got to see my patients now."
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."

The recent recruit was on guard at the main gate of a key naval base, and was given strict orders to admit absolutely no car unless it had been issued a special permit. Finally, the inevitable happened. The recruit stopped a car in which a high-ranking officer was the passenger.
"Drive on," ordered the admiral to the driver, dismissing the guard with a wave.
"I'm sorry sir, but I'm new at this," admitted the recruit, drawing a deep breath.
"Just which of you do I shoot, you or your driver?"

A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there. Soon two other sailors came over and asked him:
"Hey, bud, what are you looking for?"
"You better give me a hand, men," said the drunk.
The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: "I've found it!"
"What did you find?"
"The shore... ."

A sailor arrives at port after having been at sea for six months. Being extremely horny, the first thing he does upon setting foot on terra firma is to head straight to the nearest brothel. He goes right up to the madam and says, "How much?"
The madam replies that her girls charge two hundred dollars and that she has only one immediately available. The sailor feels that this seems a bit pricey, but in his desperate condition he has no choice. He agrees to the terms and is shown upstairs to a room to await the arrival of the woman.
When the hooker gets to the room, she opens the door only to find the sailor furiously jerking off.
"Wait a minute!" cries the hooker. "What are you doing?"
The sailor looks up at her and answers, "Hey, for two hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to let you have the easy one, do you?"

How did the entire squadron of Navy pilots get V.D.?
They all made landings on the same carrier.

Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"
"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"
"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves .. . "

A sailor went into a hotel/cathouse late one night and told the clerk that he wanted a girl for the night.
The clerk said, "They're all gone to bed. Just go upstairs, find any room that isn't locked and sleep with the girl in there. You can pay me in the morning."
The next morning, he came down and asked the clerk, "How much do I owe?"
"Well, who did you sleep with?"
The sailor asked, "Why?"
The clerk replied, "Well, if you slept with Gloria Belle, that's 20 dollars. If you slept with Annie Belle, that's 15 dollars. If you slept with Fannie Belle, that's 10 dollars."
"Jeez, I musta slept with Liberty Belle. She had a crack about 3 feet long

Three army men were once discussing the perfect nickname for their dick.
The American, "I call mine the SOLDIER 'coz he stands up the minute I give an order."
The Brit, "I call mine the GENTLEMAN 'coz he stands up the minute a woman passes by."
The French, "I call mine GOSSIP 'coz he moves from one woman's mouth to another

An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?" He thought for a moment, then wrote,
"Since 1776."