A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35". He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35".He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches". Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night". Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is......
"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed".

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money. Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic. Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and a jukebox starts playing...

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."

A homeless man walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees.
The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said,
"One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"

QUICKIES

You know you're fat when you get a hiccup in your swim suit and it looks like someone adjusting a Venetian blind. ****************************
The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to fuck in the mud. ****************************
Did you hear about the woman who had so many facelifts she had a goatee?