A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The polish guy calls the bartender over and says
"Whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "Because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says,
"So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Olga and Olie were applying for a wedding license and were answering questions asked by the clerk. "Olga, how old are you?" Olga answered,
"I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary."
Next the clerk asked, "Olga, how tall are you?"
Responding, Olga stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall."
"And how much do you weigh, Olga?" was the next question.
"I weigh yust about 185 pounds."
"Wow", exclaimed the clerk. "You're big enough to play with the Green Bay Packers!!"
"Oh no," answered Olga. "I yust play with Olie's packer."

A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to town. As he was going down the road three Hillbillys were standing beside the road hitchhiking. The farmer picked them up, one Hillbillys got in the front and the other two Hillbillys got in the back. As they were going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck. The farmer couldn't stop the truck and they went into the pond at the bottom.
The farmer and the Hillbillys that were up front come up out of the water a minute later. They kept waiting for the two in the back to come up. The farmer said, "I wonder where they are?"
The Hillbillys said, "Maybe they drowned."
About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The farmer asked, "What the Hell took you so long?"
The two Hillbillys said, "We had a devil of a time getting that fucking tailgate open!"

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. So Murphy says, "Dat s easy" and proceeds to draw three tree's.
The boss says, "What the hells that?"
Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine".
Fair enough, says the boss. Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir" he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99.
Murphy says " each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99.
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "got it!" he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir 100."
The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! got him this time. "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"

Really Wierd but True

True story: Apparently, a couple of years back, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were recovered off the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. They claimed that a cow, falling out of the clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and eventually sinking the vessel. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield. They forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily departed for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

An Amish boy is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. All of a sudden, his Father storms in, grabs him, and drags him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. The father points to the sheep and says,
"Thou hast had sex with Yon sheep!"
The boy kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."
Saddened the Father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again!!!"

You're at a CLASSY redneck wedding if..... ...

there's a tangy bernaise sauce served with the opossum. ...
the bride's gift registry specifies NO REBUILT TRUCK PARTS. ...
the fiddler has waxed his bow, his truck, his boots and his mustache for the festivities. ...
none of the girls lined up to catch the bouquet is pregnant. ...
no one is allowed on the dance floor barefooted. ...
the couple's honeymoon plans include a hotel-room stay -- overnight. ...
the kids get a separate hotel room. ...
all road kill served in the buffet has been USDA-approved. ...
the rental limousine has 4-wheel drive. ...
friends, family and guests are de-loused as they enter the wedding hall. ...
the preacher removes his hat before starting the ceremony. ...
the Bingo game at the other end of the hall is stopped for the ceremony. ...
there are no tractors or mules parked outside. ...
the flowers don't have to be returned to the funeral home. ...
the bride is all white, except for a few gravy stains on her undershirt. ...
the Fleet Farm boutique has fashion-coordinated the bridesmaids' dresses. ...
no one in the bride's family appeared in last night's stag-party movies.

The Russian couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sex manual.
"Natasha! I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that Western feminine deodorant spray?"
Natasha agreed. An hour later, she returned, VERY excited.
"You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana --"
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied

At a local college, there was a dance.. this guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says,
"In America, we call this a hug"
She says, "yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss"....
She says, 'Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
A long time later, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to bop her, and says,
"In America, we call this a grass sandwich"...
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but...we usually put more meat in It"

Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when they came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle. Bubba stopped to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road. Soon after, Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him what had happened.
Well, said Bubba, I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and told me to take whatever I wanted. I chose the bicycle.
Billy Joe Bob said, Well, Bubba, that was probably the right choice, cuz them panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

A Pole an Irishman and an Italian, all first time fathers are pacing nervously in a maternity ward waiting room, when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room and holding up a new black newborn.
"Yours?" she asked the Italian man, who immediately curses her out in Italian and says
"No ! notta my kid ! ".
"Yours?"
The nurse asks the Irishman, who answers " it bloody well NOT be!"
"OK, then it must be yours", she informs the Pole, who sheepishly looks at the ground and mumbles
"it must be, my wife burns everything ! "

Q) What does a Polish bride get on her wedding day that is long and hard?
A) A new last name

You Might Be An Irishman If... < For all my Irish Buddies ! >

-you drink beer from a longneck bottle because your doctor told you to distance yourself from alcohol.
-you think tea is tint for an aquarium.
-you think St. Patrick's Day is THE major holiday of the year.
-you think singing songs in a strange dialect is a God-given right.
-you believe God created Ireland and the rest happened by accident.
-you think a hangover is just the morning blues.
-you think water is only for fish -- and bathing (occasionally)
-you think God gave the Israelites Guinness in the wilderness.
-you think all beautiful women are Irish.
-you think the Celtics are a ceilidh band.
-you think Boston is in Ireland.
-you think Scotch-Irish is a mixed drink.
-you think the restroom is a place to sleep.
-you think lite beer is a punishment.
-you think whiskey punch is a sporting event at the pub.
-you think the blind staggers is a good substitute for jogging.
-you think English is a foreign language.
-you think England is the place your condemned to if you're bad.
-you think Dublin is the world capital.
-you think a sober Irishman is friendless -- or broke -- or dead.
-you give an empty Bushmills bottle a wake.
-you see leprecauns after the pub closes -- always twins.
-the guard says "How many fingers am I holding up?" and you say "All of 'em."
-you know what St. Stephen's Day is.
-you think a street light pole is a prosthetic device to help you stand up.
-you think God gave the Irish whisky to keep them from taking over the world.

-you believe that:

    ... all harps have a soul
   ... all music is Irish -- originally
   ... God has a sense of humor
   ... a twelve-step meeting is where you find two pubs next door to each other
   ... God invented Guinness bottles with small openings to keep the Irish from falling in
      and drowning
   ... the last song of the evening is the end of the world
   ... all jokes are funny -- after 10 pm