| JOKE PAGES | WOLF'S JOKE PAGE
ADULT JOKES FOR THE MORE MATURE TASTES.
FUNNY LISTS (if you are under 18 or do not care for adult humor please click here ) |
| Blondes | |
| Animals | |
| In Uniform | |
| Religious | |
| in the Family | |
| Ethnic | |
| Poems | |
| Squirrelbait | |
| Little Johnny | |
| Misc. | |
"Easy" Girl Descriptions
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
Female Anatomy:
Q) Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for the new season?
Q) Why are clams like women?
Q) What do you do when your Kotex catches on fire?
Q) What do you give an 90 year old woman for her birthday"
Q) How do you make a hormone?
Q) What kind of pussy answers your phone?
Which name brand penis do you have ( like) ??? Army Penis- Be all that you can be
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
Used Car Buyers Guide: The Terms vs The Reality
MUST SELL ...before it blows up.
HANDY HINTS:
1. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
What your coffee drink tells about you:
Capuccino You are basically the average relationship person (like the flat white) except you have the occasional spark, the occasional "froth", maybe even the occasional romance ....
You know it's going to be a bad day in the ER when...
You show up for work and notice bars have just been installed on all the windows and there is now a metal detector at the hospital entrance.
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor
of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
TOP 15 Mafia Valentines
15. My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
She's turned more tricks than David Copperfield has.
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood
A) They needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.
A) Because when the red tide comes you don't eat them.
A) Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
A) Mikey....He'll eat anything!
A) Put sand in the vasoline.
A) An answering cervix
Bud Light penis- great taste-less filling
Chevy truck penis- Like a rock !
Diet Pepsi penis- Uh huh !
Energizer penis- It keeps going and going....
Frosted Flakes penis- They're grrreeeeaaattttt!!!!!!
Gillette penis- The best a man can get !
Heinz penis- Good things come to those who wait.
Juicy Fruit penis- The taste is gonna move you.
Kentucky Fried Chicken penis- comes in a box
Life Savors penis- Five fruity flavors.
Milk penis- It does a body good
Nuprin penis- Little , yellow & different.
Oreo penis- unscrew & eat the middle out
Payday penis- Its almost totally nuts !
Robitussin penis- Recommended by Dr. mom's everywhere
Sanka penis- Good to the last drop !
Timex penis- Takes a lickin' but keeps on........
US Army penis- We Want YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Virginia Slims penis- You've come a long way baby.
Windows 95 penis- If you ask it to do too much it will crash ! < My favorite LOL >
Yellow pages penis- Let your fingers do the walking !
RUNS FINE ...I was going to say "runs excellent" but I
had a last-minute conscience attack.
NEEDS SOME BODY WORK ...was blind sided by a Winnebego.
WELL-MAINTAINED ...I changed the oil occasionally.
LOOKS LIKE NEW ...just don't try to drive it anywhere.
ALL ORIGINAL ...I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
LOADED WITH OPTIONS ...each one more troublesome than the next.
NEVER SMOKED IN ...unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
PROJECT CAR ...doesn't run.
LOTS OF POTENTIAL ...doesn't run.
NEEDS MINOR REPAIR ...doesn't run.
2. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
3. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
5. Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.
6. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
7. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
8. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
9. Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
10. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
11. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
12. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
13. Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
14. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
15. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
16. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
17. Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
18. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
19. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
20. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond
in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a
guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive
women in bikinis.
(Part I)
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
14> He tells you that "finances are very complicated and you
shouldn't worry your pretty little head about it," but you
still don't see how a "liquidity problem" makes a millionaire
drive a Ford Fiesta.
13> "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs.
Chris White."
12> Guy in a limo asks you for Grey Poupon at the red light, but
all you can find is an empty Yoo-Hoo bottle and some packets
of Taco Bell hot sauce.
11> Got Silk?
10> You soon learn that "liquid assets" refers to the cash he
gets from selling his blood.
9> Millionaire: money coming out the wazoo.
Your spouse: fermented by-products of the improper digestion
of canned pork & beans coming out the wazoo.
8> His "special imported caviar" looks suspiciously like Cheez
Whiz and ground up Beer Nuts.
7> The pre-nup says he gets to keep the Chia Pets.
6> As you reach for the fancy canned peas, he gently steers
you toward the "stunning neo-minimalist earthen packaging"
of the generic brand.
5> The financial news report came on while you were making love
in the living room, and he didn't miss a beat.
4> He winces visibly when you insist on supersizing your dinner.
3> The moving company calls the honeymoon suite at Motel 6 to
inform you that your grandmother's baby grand won't fit
through the door of the double-wide.
2> Two words: NASCAR coasters
Your new wife's current life: drunk bitch with hubcap
(Part II)
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
14> The lineup of your bridesmaids dazzled him because he'd never
seen so many women with all their teeth before.
13> Every other weekend, six oafs in suits stop by to re-break
his thumbs.
12> He's never adequately explained why he can't get The Club off
the steering wheel of his Mercedes.
11> His reading library consists of nothing but Tony Robbins and
Don Lapree books.
10> When you ask, "Penny for your thoughts?", he insists on seeing
the money up front.
9> The reception meal? "Le Elbow Pasta a Fromage Orange", "Chop
Beof Helpier", and "Ice d'Italien" for dessert.
8> His collection of antique cars seems to be rusting to death in
the front yard.
7> When you say "I do," Regis replies, "Is that your final answer?"
5> The limo makes a stop between the church and the reception to
drop a coffin off at the cemetery.
4> The only time he dabbles in "mutual funds" is when he fishes
in your purse.
3> The reason that wallet's so fat? Hundreds of coupons for 15
cents off Dinty Moore Stew.
2> List of assets: a home in Tijuana, 48605 free AOL minutes,
original Pokemon Jigglypuff card.
Cafe Latte
You are the soft, sensitive type (and maybe just a bit on the trendy side).
Espresso/short black
You are passionate, intense and strong in a relationship. However, you don't last very long in one.
Machiatto
(for those who don't know, it's an espresso with a dash of milk) You are like the short black, except in your strength and intensity, you have a soft, sensitive spot. However, you don't last very long either.
Long Black
In my mind, the best: same as the short black strong, passionate, intense, but you'll also go all the way and last the mile in a relationship.
Vienna
You're sweet but without much substance.
Irish/liquer coffee
You are wild and like to lose control in a relationship. You like to have a little fun, but might not be everyone's "cup of joe".
Mocha/mocha
You can't make up your mind. You're indecisive about relationships - whether you're gonna commit or just be friends (see chocolate section below)
.
Hot chocolate (with hot water)
You just like to be friends with everyone. You're not really looking for a relationship.
Hot chocolate (with hot milk)
You just like to be friends with everyone. AND everyone loves you as a friend, 'cause you're extra sweet and sensitive. You're everyone's friend but no one's lover.
Iced Coffee
You can't commit to a relationship. You won't get serious; you refuse to get into the "heat".
Iced Chocolate
You just wanna be friends with everyone but you can't commit as a friend.
Milkshakes and smoothies
You're still into teenage, puppy-love. GROW UP!
The paramedics in the parking lot are all using mops to clean up their ambulances and the EMTs are using a hose.
The off-going shift has a hard time keeping a straight face when giving report, especially about Room 15.
Your first patient of the day insists there is no way that she can be pregnant. She's crowning.
Your next five patients and their families all scream at you in different languages, none of which you speak.
Your next patient screams at you in a language you do understand, but you can't remember hearing that many obscenities strung together at once.
The intoxicated 250 Kg. transvestite in Room 15 keeps trying to get your home phone number because you "are just too sweet.
The hospital's attorney wants to talk to you, but her secretary won't tell you what it's about.
The hospital has a surprise disaster drill. You were the only one who wasn't tipped off.
The psychiatric patients' delusions are beginning to make sense.
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
Mr. Gotti suggests you laugh
14. I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes --
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
13. Lie down with me -- It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
12. I picked up this card from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
11. I've waited so long for you to be mine! Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
8. Violets are blue, roses are red. I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!.....
6. Hey...... LOL
5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're untouchable Like Elliot Ness.
4. Lust is fleeting, True love lingers.
Be mine always And you'll keep your fingers.
3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand, So I won't be a self-made man.
HOME
CARTOONS
LINKS
RIDDLES
RECIPES