THE NEW PRIEST

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man,
"Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"

Not really a joke...but soo true

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit," God replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later he saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm _down,my child," said the minister,"it's not half as bad as you think. EVERY marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said,
"Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off.
The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell him?"
The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."

Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins. So Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves.
Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin.
"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."
At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul.
"Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly fool?"

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
He said, "Why shouldn't I?"
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you.

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.
"Gladly," responded the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's John" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
It's Luke" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"The FBI, YOU SLIMEBAGS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said,
"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back.
"Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!"
"Of course, Sister,"he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard,
"Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"