Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Lassievorc, NeuralClone, Reefrunner, and pitdog. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Readers,
Once again I find that John is not in complete control of his actions and this time he is a captive of a certain seductress who shall remain nameless but I can tell you she is very high up in the Peacekeeper rankings. To make matters worse, or better, depending on your point of view, he is also under the influence of a crazy old lady who keeps blowing this fairy dust into his face.
As a result, I will have to steal the time to write this column, but forgive me please if my advice is not exactly on target. All these external factors are affecting me to the degree that I have not been able to operate at one hundred percent.
With my heartfelt sincerity,
Harvey (who is not himself these days)
Dear Harvey,
I just arrived on a dying leviathan with a group of mental deficients. This pushy Nebari told me about your advice column, and I'm desperate! I also understand you to have a partially Scarren heritage. Since I grew up in a Scarren realm, maybe we can understand one another a little better. What should I do? These beings are violent and insane, not to mention lost! What should I do, what Can I do?
Respectfully,
Sikozu Svala Shanti Sugaysi Shanu
aka "Sputnik"
Dear Sputnik,,
You claim they are insane and you wear your hair as if you are an antenna array? Get real! Then you follow one of the lunatic’s advice by contacting me! Oh plu-eeze!
*Where did that come from? I never say plu-eeze. OH NO, not more fairy dust!*
But if they are lost, why are you bothering to ask me what to do? Is it because you want to find them? Based on your other statements, I would suggest you stop trying to find them.
It is also a mistake to appeal to my Scarran heritage. I reject my entire Scarran heritage except for my ability to sense other people’s state of mind.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have very fair skin and I burn quite easily. What do you suggest I wear next time I go to the beach?
"Sunburnt"
Dear Sunburnt,
You certainly don’t want to wear anything that will give you tan lines; they are so ugly. And because of you fair skin; these tan lines will pop up immediately. Therefore, you should either cover yourself from head to foot in dark heavy clothing, or wear nothing at all.
It would probably make the most sense to wear nothing at all, as why would anyone want to be on a glorious beach completely covered?
*I wonder why John didn’t let me take my suit off when we were on the beach in his fantasies. I really would have loved to feel the virtual waves wash over my virtual naked body. I don’t ask for much, why can’t he grant me such a small pleasure?*
*SIGH*
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I'm having a problem with this strange old woman. I'm reluctant to kick her off the ship, because she seems to have answers I need to a lot of questions, but she keeps blowing this strange dust in my eyes. Talk about strange trips! How do you suggest I handle this situation?
(no signature)
Dear no signature,
Tell me about it! The same crazy old lady is blowing the same fairy dust into John’s face too. Not only is it affecting him, but, alas, it is affecting me.
How can she possibly answer any questions, she’s a crazy old smelly lady. Just get rid of her. It can’t happen too soon.
*I wonder how I can smell her? I’ve never noticed any odor before.*
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Ever since I saw the episode where Grayza drugs Crichton and takes advantage of him I have had one thing and ONLY one thing on my mind. I can't shake the thought. I have a strong and abiding desire. I crave Lobster. A nice big Bi-ped Lobster, with a secret hiding place in which he keeps the triangles of power, a lobster who speaks! A lobster who snickers!!!
I want this Lobster with drawn butter, a baked potato, and a cold glass of Killian Red.
My question, Dear Harvey, is it insensitive of me to think of Lobster when I should be thinking of Grayza's Honeydews?
Is there something wrong with M-M-Me!!!
signed-
I wish I were allergic to shellfish! *sigh*
Dear Wishing,
How can there be anything wrong with wanting lobster? That is, unless, you don’t want a big enough lobster. You know what they say, eh? The only thing better than a pound and a quarter is a two pounder! How big did you say this lobster is?
This is just my opinion, but honeydews can never compare to lobster! Never!
*I can’t believe it! I’m salivating for some loster myself. I don’t have real taste buds. That fairy dust must be giving me corporeal senses. I can smell wrinkles (Chiana has the most charming names for people), I can imagine the taste of lobster, and I am salivating. Hmm, I wonder what this drool will do to John’s already tortured brain?*
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I know you have a great fashion sense. I saw you on the beach in Oz. The Hawaiian shirt screamed.
huh?
oh.
Yes, the Hawaiian shirt screamed good taste. Sorry I got distracted, but that is for another letter.
My question is of a sartorial nature. I am looking for tres chic sun glasses, they are more than an accessory-they make a statement!
My problem Harvey is this : should I get wrap-around or the larger, amber-lensed goggles-preferred by atomic scientists during above ground testing? Why you ask do I wonder thusly? Here is my problem; I am not sure how to best play up my third eye. I think it is my best feature. Also any tips on daytime/nightime eye shadow would be very welcome.
I can only pay you for your wonderful advice with a small bag of Hallucinogenic powder-is that a problem?
Pfffffft<<<cough!!>> powder settles on Harvey. I thought you would not find it a problem.
My thanks!
A lovely woman with three eyes and some party powder with an exotic bouquet of smells surrounding her.
*How am I going to handle this letter? I wish John were more coherent. She is the bane of my existence.
*Although, before she appeared on the scene with her fairy dust, I did not experience any of the sensations directly that I am now enjoying. Maybe I should encourage her to use the dust more. I’ll have to think about that.*
Dear lovely woman with three eyes,
Oh, wrap-around sunglasses are definitely you. I can’t imagine you in any other style. And the frames should be black with rhinestones to highlight your third eye; it is definitely your best feature. The lenses should be the reflecting silver so you can gaze into other’s eyes where they won’t be able to stare you down. It will put you at a huge advantage.
You must use the sparkly silver eye shadow with black eyeliner and black mascara. This combination is good day and night. The sunglasses will now properly accessorize you beautiful eyes, all three of them.
Uh, do you think we could have some of the fairy dust right away? I’m starting to not be able to smell you.
Oh, and thank you for noticing my Hawaiian shirt!
*Hmm, it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to rouse John from his trance anytime soon.*
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