| Auditions Hi. I…I just got married. Don’t clap, it’s a second marriage. I actually have a kid from my first marriage, ‘cause I like souvenirs. And…my daughter comes home every night with her friends, they go in her room, they close the door, and then they light incense. Yeah, like I don’t know what’s going on in there. Yeah, like I think there’s a Zen Buddhist meeting in my apartment. And at 11 P.M., they’re going to come out and make Rice-A-Roni. And make fun of the word Roni for 2 hours. Thank you so much, everybody. Semi-Finals Oh, this is nice. Being a comedian’s great. Look…look where I get to work. This is fantastic. You know, my parents, they stayed in my apartment last month, which is always a nightmare for me. ‘Cause I don’t get high anymore, and I don’t know how to entertain them. But has it ever happened to you just have that moment in your life where you realize you’re growing up to be just like your parents? Isn’t that the worst? I’m watching TV with my father late at night, and that commercial comes on for save the children. You know the one where the lady goes. “For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day,” Right? My father and I are both sit there thinking the exact same thing. Where can you get coffee for 60…what is she talking…and it’s a sensitive topic, it is, ‘cause last year, my father adopted one of the save the children. Which is so annoying, ‘cause now when I complain, he compares me to his adopted child. I’m not kidding. He’d say, “What’s the matter with you? Why can’t you be like your sister Shushumba? Eh? Shushumba’s happy. You don’t see Shushumba complaining. Shushumba dug an irrigation ditch for a whole village last week. What the hell did you do?” I hate her. She sucks. I’m not going to be her pen pale any more. Than you, everybody. Good night. Finals: Top 10 Head to Head vs. Tere Joyce Hi. Hi, everybody. I just got married. Clap it up, it’s a big deal. It’s my husband’s second marriage, and if you think it’s hard to get a guy that has never been married to commit, try to get a guy to go back and do it over again. It’s like talking him back to nam. I married a sports fan. My husband is a total sports fanatic. It’s a little scary. I swear, I walked in the living room once, he was watching a football game. He was sitting like this. He wasn’t moving. I said, “What are you doing?” He said, “Every time I move my arm, they fumble the damn ball.” Like he’s running the game with his elbow. And he loves all sports. I don’t care what game it is. Do you get this ladies? I always get this every time he’s watching a sporting event. Come on, 2 minutes left in the game. 2 minutes. 2 minutes. Do you got 2 minutes? Where is this clock? Seriously, I would like to get this clock for my bedroom. I don’t know if you know this, but in New York City, all white teenagers think their Slim Shady. Honestly. They all talk like gangster rappers. This is a conversation I overheard my daughter having with my husband the other day. She’s like, “Listen, dog. Okay, I got to ask you some legal advice, okay? Right? So my girl, Tessa, yeah, she’s 17, right? Uh, her boyfriends 21, and her mother says she can’t go out with him because that’s sagittary rape. No doubt, for real. Is that sagittary rape or what?” My husband said, “No. Sagittary rape is when you’re raped by a Sagittarius.” And my daughter’s best friend is a piece of work. Do you know her? Do you know Elizabeth the slut? Do you know her? Yes? Elizabeth the slut is at my house everyday. I can’t get rid of this kid. And, by the way, I mean no disrespect when I call her that. No. I call her Elizabeth the slut because her name is Elizabeth. And she gives my daughter the worst information about sex. The other day, I was cutting up a chicken, and my daughter goes, ”Mom you better be careful. You could get Gonorrhea.” I said, “Gonorrhea? Oh, you mean salmonella?” She says, “No, Elizabeth says you can get Gonorrhea from your cutting board.” Really? Well, maybe Elizabeth’s cutting board gets around a lot more then ours does. I learn so much from my daughter. She keeps me very current, I have to tell you. I was in the car with her, and she’s got the radio on, and my daughter’s like, “Mm-hmm. Yeah, that’s Foxy Brown. Yeah, she got the Ill Nana.” I'm like, “Yeah, so?” She goes, “So you don’t know what an Ill Nana is.” I said, “Sure, I do. Ill Nana, sick grandmother?” Apparently it means something entirely different to Foxy Brown. Do you know what an Ill Nana is? All right, I’ll help you. We’ll make this educational if nothing else. Okay, Ill in Ebonics is good. Sick is good. Mad is good. It’s all good, all right? Good, good, good. And a Nana, think of the last two letters in (whispering)vagina. So when I found out what an Ill Nana was, I said, “Oh, well, I used to have an Ill Nana…but then I had you.” Thank you so much everybody. Thank you. Finals: Top 5 This is so nice. This is great. You know, I love being a comedian so much. I love this job, can I tell ya? You know why? I love the hours. Look at this, I just started, I’m almost done. This is a great…I got no complaints. I think by now some of you know my big mouth gets me into trouble from time to time. It does. You know last week I got thrown out of a weight watcher’s meeting, could you imagine? I got thrown out of a weight watcher’s meeting…lifetime member. Two obese women were fighting over grapes. Grapes! One was like, “You know you can have 25 grapes for one point.” The other one’s like, “No, it’s ten grapes.” “No, it’s 25.” “No, it’s 10.” “No, it’s 25.” Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I was like, “All right, look, ladies, I really don’t think grapes is what got you here in the first place.” Happened to me the other day…I was working a college. I was performing at a college and I went to the cafeteria. And I sat behind these two young guys. And they were talking about women and sex, so, okay, maybe I was eavesdropping. And you shoulda heard’em. One guy was like, “You know, it’s so much easier for a women to have an orgasm when she’s on top.” The other one’s like, “No, it’s not. It’s the same on the top and the bottom.” “No, it’s easier when they’re on top.” “No, it’s not.” “No it’s…” Finally, I just turned around, I couldn’t help myself. I was like, “Guys, guys. Actually, it’s so much easier when we’re alone.” You know, I’m having a problem with pants. Is anybody else having a problem with these low-cut pants? Yes? How…how much lower can pants go? Who are these pants designed for…teenage Vietnamese boy? Who’s wearing those? I mean, I can get the pants on, right? I’m just afraid if, god forbid, I drop my keys. I gonna look like a plumber. I don’t wanna wear these. And, well, okay…you know the truth. You can’t wear these pants if you wear panties, all right? And I’m the only woman in America left wearing panties. Look at me…I’m the only one. Everybody else is wearing the thong. Even he’s wearing a thong. Everybody’s wearing a thong. People give you a hard time, too. My friend actually said to me the other day, “All right, Cory, fine. Wear the panties. But you’re just gonna have a panty line.” Yeah, that’s been a real problem for me. I can’t tell you me how many guys were like, “You know I was going to let her fuck me, but then I saw that panty line.” I really don’t have to worry anymore, you know? I have great new husband. He loves panty lines. Can’t I tell you…I married the greatest guy. When women meet my husband…single women…they go nuts. They’re like, “Oh, my god, he’s so nice. Where’d you meet him? Where’d you meet him?” Like I have the secret. And I hate telling them because I met him in a bar. Right? Which is generally not a good idea. Girls know that’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you bring home stuff you don’t need. Um…and, you know, this is a second marriage for me. I have a kid from my first marriage, ‘cause I like souvenirs. And…so now I have a husband and a kid. Let me tell you…that’s a pain the ass. Yeah, ‘cause now I got to buy two kinds of cereal. I have a teenage daughter. Anybody else…teenagers in their life? Yes? Okay. This is what our house sounds like all day long. This is what you hear. (sighs) (sighs) ‘Cause they’re so happy to be alive. The only way I can get this kid to smile is I have to play this little game with her. It’s a game I made up to have quality time. It’s a fun game…if you have kids, you should try it. It’s called, “Let’s plan mommy’s funeral.” It’s a fun game. But, you know, she’s…you know what’s funny? The music they listen to is a little scary…that hip hop and the rap. The only one I like…do you like the Eminem? I like the Eminem. The Eminem is good. That one song, “I’m sorry, mama, I’m cleaning out my closet.” I love…I heard that, I was like, “You know if Slim Shady can clean his damn room, so can you.” But she’s a smart kid. I have a very smart kid. I do…well, her father’s an Economics Professor. He was actually my Economics Professor. No, hey…I never bad mouth my ex. You know that? I never do. You know why I never bad mouth my ex to my kid? ‘Cause if you do, then you ruin the moment when they figure it out all by themselves. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you so much. |
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| Cory Kahaney |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
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