| Auditions Hi, uh, my name is Tere Joyce. I'm really happy to be here tonight. Right on. Cha, cha, cha. (breathes deeply) I feel like I need to smoke a cigarette now. Actually, I know I can’t smoke here, but…(sniffs)my mom…I've been wanting to quit. I've been wanting to quit. You know what makes you want to quit? Remember that commercial where the woman has a hole in her neck? I'm, like, oh, my god. I'm, like, poor thing. Like, she probably can’t wear necklaces or anything like that. She’s like (inhales)”Where did the diamond go?” Then I thought to myself, I thought, how did they cast that commercial? Oh, we’re looking for women with holes on their neck. And, like, when she got the part that was she really happy. Like, she’d call her mom up and go,(gravelly voice)”Hello, mom, I got the part.” Her mom goes,(gravelly voice)”That’s great. Right on. Cha, cha, cha.” Semi-Finals Hi, my name is Tere Joyce. I'm really happy to be in Los Vegas. Right on, cha, cha, cha. I’m sorry, I was a little bit late tonight. I just got back from Supercuts, and, uh, I’m pissed. He screwed up my hair. I knew the hairdresser was straight. But, no, actually, I lied. I got my hair done at the New York Casino in the, uh, the hair department. And I said, “Make my hair look like someone famous.” So they made me look like the statue of liberty. (Victoria Jackson) “Where are you from?” I’m originally from Fresno, California. I now live in Pasa…Hey! Right on, cha-cha-cha! Fresno, what is it…the Red Dogs? No, the Red Bulls. Oh shit, I just lost the competition. Wait, wait. (breathes out) I give myself permission to fail. I’m still a wonderful person. It’s okay that guy sleep with me and don’t call me the next day. Finals: Top 5 Head to Head vs. Cory Kahaney Hi, my name is Tere Joyce. I'm really happy to be on Last Comic Standing. Right on, cha, cha, cha. I kind of had an odd day today. Just like really odd things had been happening to me. ‘Cause, like, right before I came here tonight, I needed some money. So I went to the ATM and I put my card in. And you know how, like, on the screen it says, ”Would you like to conduct your transaction in English or Spanish?” Have you guys seen this before? Well, I suggest you try it in Spanish. Because your account balance will look much better in Pesos. I didn’t learn a whole a lot of Spanish when I was growing up, just like a few words like: El Pollo Loco. Taco Bell. Your Pepino is Grande. Learned that one from my dad. Okay, that’s…that’s not funny. Oh, I'm sorry. (deep breathe) I give myself permission to fail. I'm still a wonderful person. I'm here to learn. Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty. Do not take more then 6 tablets in a 24-hour period. I know that you think I'm an airhead, I'm just oxygen challenged. Well, that’s what my therapist says. I'm actually in therapy now. Is anybody else here in the crowd in therapy? Okay, right on, cha, cha, cha. You’re like, I'm screwed up too. I don’t know about you, but I've been learning about myself. I found out that I'm a passive-aggressive, manic-depressive, bi-polar, schizophinic, dysfunctional, anal retentive, orally fixated hypochondriac. I'm actually in this new kind of therapy. It’s called Reichian therapy. And you actually have to lie down naked on the couch. And then the therapist pays me afterwards, which is really cool. But I asked them, “Why am I naked?” And they go, “Well, that’s because we have to observe the color changes that are in your body.” Like, for instance, if your skin is red, you have repressed anger. Pink, you have an unresolved issue. And blue means it’s just freaking freezen in there. But what you have to do, you have to make these noises to release your emotional pain. And these are my noises. And I really wanted to share them with you tonight at the show. Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! That was the pain of my childhood. And Ah! Means that I'm stuck to the Naugahyde couch. And ah, ah, ah, ah, means that I'm faking an orgasm, get off me you fat pig. Thank you very much, I'm Tere Joyce. You guys were great. |
| CORY KAHANEY DAT PHAN GEOFF BROWN ROB CANTRELL SEAN KENT DAVE MORDAL RALPHIE MAY RICH VOS TERE JOYCE TESS DRAKE |
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| Tere Joyce |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
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