| Auditions Let’s have a big hand for all my opening acts tonight. I love these kids. I was in Canada. Any Canadians here? Canada sucks. Let me tell you something, Canada stinks. I was in Montreal. Let me tell you, French Canadians, they’re not even French, okay? They aren’t. I'm arguing with one, he said, “Americans don’t understand our European culture.” What? You live 4 hours from Buffalo. All right? (Caroline Rhea) “I'm Canadian Rich.” Are you really? Wow. How later are you on? Stop. Stop. I'm too big for this. Stop. Thank you. Semi-Finals I am so pathetic. I really am. This is how pathetic my life is. I owe my ten-year-old $6 for girl scout cookies, and I’m dodging her. She calls me for the money and tries to be slick and disguise her voice, but I know it’s her. She’ll go, (rough voice) “Hello. Is daddy home?” I am so dumb. I really am. When I help my kids with their homework, seventh and fifth grade, I really don’t know some of the answers. “Daddy, what’s a pronoun?” I don’t know. A noun that gets paid. “What’s a synonym?” A bun. “What’s a homonym.” A gay bun. Thank you. Finals: Top 5 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. First, just to start, let me have a big hand for all my opening acts tonight. I love these kids. What do you say we get up and run through the casino and start stealing chips, okay? It’s so funny, I was watching people play nickel slots. That’s when you have hit rock bottom, okay? Nickel slots. How much can you possibly win? Jackpot, $2, who’s the man? Pack the bags, baby. Do nickel slot players look at penny slot players and go (spits)white trash? You know, it’s good to be here, ‘cause they almost didn’t let me on the plane coming here, ‘cause I had toe nail clippers. Back off, everybody. The guy says, “What are your intentions with these?” To conquer the world. They didn’t let on guy on my plane ‘cause he had a boomerang. The most he could do is hurt himself. A boomerang. Get some sun, sir. Anyhow. It’s Vegas…where do you live, in a fallout shelter? Man, there are some hot girls here, I’m telling you. And they have all turned me down. I swear to god. My nickname should be, “Swing and a miss.” I swear to god. I stink, all right? I tried to pick up a girl last night. I swear to god she said to me, “You don’t have honest eyes.” What? I’m just trying to sleep with you, I’m not trying to borrow $1,000. Let me tell you…it’s too tough to meet a girl, ‘cause there are always out in a group of, like, three or four. There’s always one block at the table…always one. (girly voice) “You can’t go with him, get his number. We came together, we leave together, right?” It’s always the one with the hump on her back, okay? Right? “You can’t leave with him, you said you would go up to the tower and ring the bell with me tonight.” Loosen up, folks. A guy would never do that to another guy. Bill, we came in the same car, we leave…what are you, gay? I went on a date last week with a really hot girl. She was like a ten. I swear to god, we’re having dinner and I said to her, “What do you do for a living?” And she said, “I work the register at Target.” I’m like, “Oh, my god. She makes more money than me.” I…I was dating a 23-year-old for a while. It was great, man, ‘cause when she’d fall asleep I’d steal some of her cloth for my daughters. I’m divorced right now. I am divorced. And I tried to save my marriage, I went to counseling. I spent $5,000 to have two women to call me a loser. I got two beautiful daughters. I love’em to death. You gotta see my ten-year-old…she has, like, blonde hair, this little angel face. She is the most evil thing that walks this planet, okay? She should have been born in a cornfield, I’m not lying. She almost got me beat up in the supermarket. This guy’s walking down the aisle, he had to be 500 pounds of muscle. He walks by, and just looks at us, and my ten-year-old says, “You got eye problems?” He looks at me says, “What?” I go, “Hey, I didn’t say it…she did, okay?” I’m telling you. My ten-year-old knows how to push my buttons. She…mommy’s new husband put my bike together. What did you say? (sighs) He put my bike together. He’s not lazy, like you. Mommy said he has bigger feet. I took’em out to eat. I took my kids out to eat. This is true. We’re walking out of the restaurant and I go, “Don’t you say thank you?” And my ten-year-old goes, “For feeding us?” You guys were a lot of fun. Thank you, good night. |
| CORY KAHANEY DAT PHAN GEOFF BROWN ROB CANTRELL SEAN KENT DAVE MORDAL RALPHIE MAY RICH VOS TERE JOYCE TESS DRAKE |
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| Rich Vos(The Don) |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
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