| Auditions Hi. I knew you all could appreciate a fine, foxy, voluptuous women like myself. Thank you. Thank you. ‘Cause where I come from, Sandusky, Ohio, I had it going on, all right? I was the pick of the litter back there. I didn’t know I was considered overweight till I got to Hollywood, all right? Well, dang, shoot. I had it going on. I was voted Miss Corncob 3 years in a row. Sears, Roebuck Tire Women of the year. First place in the Tractor Pull. But, oh, no, it’s Hollywood. I find, “Shoo, she’s overweight.” I don’t give a damn. I'm a hottie. I don’t care what they say. Me, personally, I think the only thing that should weigh 90 pounds is maybe one full-grown breast. Just one. Just one voluptuous breast. Semi-Finals Hi. Okay, let me start out right away. Let me give a shout out to all the little skinny girls. Hey! ‘Cause I know y’all sitting there mad right now, you know, ‘cause you looking up here at me thinking, ooh, she gets to eat and she’s sexy. Don’t be mad. Don’t be mad. Being back in Vegas, though, this is reminding me of my days when I used to be a stripper. You know. Okay, wait a minute. Some of y’all laughing too hard. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I know what y’all thinking, the big girl used to be a stripper. Forget y’all. Forget y’all, okay? I’ll have you know, a lot of this is water. See, this is a lot of water. That’s all. I'm just juicy, that’s all. Women…women…no, ain’t there certain times of the month you gain an extra 50, 60 pounds just in water, right? Right? Ain’t I right? Finals: Top 5 Hey…thank you, baby. Thank you. Um…this is a trip. Oh, sure. Every time I’m back in Vegas, It gives me flashbacks of my days when I used to be a stripper. So, you know…okay, wait a minute. Some of y’all laughing a little too hard. What’s so funny? What’s so funny? I know the little skinny girls…I know what you’re y’all thinking, all right? Okay, I ain’t in denial. I know I gained a little weight. I know that, all right? I’m gonna to keep it real. It was a big girl strip club, all right? It was big girls all the time, okay? My stage name was tub of love. Tub of love, all right? I won’t come out here lying to y’all, all right? Okay, it wasn’t any poles in the floor either, all right? Y’all know our big behinds would never make it all the way around the pole, y’all know that, okay? All right, we didn’t strip for dollars, we stripped for quarters. Let me just keep it real. We knew we weren’t worth no dollars. We knew that, okay? That’s all right, though, because we used the lap dance. That’s are thing, big girls. We started that. Little skinny girls try to get in on it, but that was out thing, okay? ‘Cause we knew we had a whole lot of hips and ass. So all we had to do is sit on’em and rub. Just rub, you know. Basically squash their webbles and rub. That’s all we had to do, you know? Plus, I would get tired and need sit down and take a break anyway. Oh, lord, jeez…oh, lord, yeah. How that feel, dog? How that feel? Yeah, that feel good. Yeah, that’s good, that’s good. Put a quarter in the bucket, put a quarter in the bucket. Oh, lord. Oh, jeez. Oh, lord. Whoo, this man is trying to kill me. Ooh, lord. Ooh. I used to make my money, it just took a little longer, that’s all. It just took a little longer. I would leave with a sack of quarters every night. They ended up shutting us down, though. A couple of girls had heart attacks. They were just hating on the big girls, that’s all. But see, that’s…I didn’t want to dance there, anyway. I only started working there ‘cause I lost my other job. My real job, okay? I got fired. But, um…it wasn’t my fault, see. I was a plus size model. And I was doing real good. But this is what happened, right? This is what they fired me for. Okay, they got these new thongs for plus size women, all right? Now, this was my first time, okay? And there wasn’t no instructions in the bag. How was I supposed to know the little skinny strip go in the back? I came out that dang dressing room like, “How does it look? Yeah, how does it look? Hey, how does it look? Hey, how does it look, how does it look?” They was like, “Um-mm. Get that out of there. Um-mm. I’m like, “What? What’s wrong?” They were like, “Your fired, take’em all with you. Take’em with you, your fired. Go, nasty.” I try, whatever. So, look at…I got a back-up plan, you know? Just in case this whole NBC thing don’t work out. Um, I’m going to get married again. Thank you. I’m gonna be accepting applications out there for men. Uh…and, uh…my judge said my probation is over, I’m good, you know? I done learn my lesson, I’m gonna be good this time. I’m gonna stop all that fighting and shooting and stuff. And this time I’m gonna to be good, I promise. But there are some men that need not apply, let me just get that straight right now, okay? Africans, keep walking, okay? Keep walking. No more Africans. Those Africans are nuts, y’all, okay? Especially the ones from Zimbabwe. They really nuts, okay? All they like is chicken. They want you to fry chicken all the dang time. There the reason why we got the stereotype. And it’s not even us, it’s them. The chicken-eating bastards is them. Thank y’all. That’s been my time, I’m Tess. Thank you. |
| CORY KAHANEY DAT PHAN GEOFF BROWN ROB CANTRELL SEAN KENT DAVE MORDAL RALPHIE MAY RICH VOS TERE JOYCE TESS DRAKE |
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| Tess Drake |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
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