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| Auditions (hyperactive Vietnamese voice) “One more time. Let’s give round of applause for all the comedian do good job here. Let’s give round of applause. We’re going to do it, ladies and gentleman. We’re going to do it here tonight. Like to crack joke for you.” I'm just kidding. I speak English. I was playing around. (laughs wickedly) I'm Vietnamese. Vietnamese people and beauty salons. How in the hell did that come together? What was the plan of attack on America there? On the American economy. You know, it was a final meeting of Vietnam. (hyperactive Vietnamese voice) “Everybody, listen up. Here’s the final plan here, I've been thinking about it. This is the plan. This is the plan. Japanese people, they take over, they make the VCR. That’s the plan for them, that work for them. Vietnamese people, we take over by doing pedicure. That’s how we take over. We take over one foot at a time. Now that…that’s the plan for you.” Semi-Finals Thank you very much. I’m Asian. I love doing comedy. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But when I…when I failed, eight other students around me failed too. And I was coping one of them, that’s the thing. And I come from a small Vietnamese family. We’re really close too, all ten of us. We’re just like that. My mom was so strict when I was a kid, she wouldn’t even let us watch The Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch! She was like, “That’s why you don’t watch The Brady Bunch, that show suck. Six kids, that’s nothing. That’s right, I have ten kids. Why don’t you watch me? No commercial here. No ads. I run the whole operation, Dat Phan, watch me.” Thank you, I’m Dat Phan! You guys have been great! Thank you very much! Thank you, everybody. Finals: Top 7 Head to Head vs. Dave Mordal (rapid Vietnamese voice) “Ladies and gentleman, let’s hear round of applause for Jay Mohr. He do it for you. Let’s do it. He do it for you. He do it for you. Let’s give a round of applause for Dave Mordal, my father. He do it for you here. He the man. He the one. Okay, I come down here. I want to crack joke for you. We’re going to do it right now. Here we go." I’m just kidding, I speak English. I’m just playing around. My parents hate it when I do that. My mom’s like, “Dat Phan, that’s not funny! Want to make fun of us, huh? Want to make fun of Asian time? You want to be a smart alley? You want a smart check in the alley? Pass or fail? Pass or fail?” I’m like, mom, chill out. “I know chill. I know chill, Dat Phan. Don’t tell me what to chill. I chill what I want to chill. I chill now because I want to chill. I chill you!” Parents…I think they go nuts after awhile, you know. I love my mom. She goes, “Dat Phan, you don’t watch cartoons. It’s too violent. The cartoon is too violent.” This is the same women who goes, “Dat Phan, you don’t go take out the trash now, I will kill you!” I’m living my dream right now, I’m so thankful for that, you know, because…like my mom’s finally starting to get it, you know, like, what I’m trying to do? Because before, she thought that I was nuts. Now she’s like making fun of me. She’s like, “That’s my son, Dat Phan, he comedian. I want him to be doctor, but instead he like ha-ha-ha. He cuckoo. He has one movie, two CD, one TV show, no money. I don’t get it.” But when I first started out, you know, my mom thought I was nuts. Seriously. She was like, “Dat Phan, what, you crazy? What, you freaking time? What, you freaking time? What you doing? I give you money for school, for book…Fung Lang!” She calls on my dad like he’s backup, like he’s a cop or something. “Fung Lang Phan, come here. Fung Lang…Fung Lang Phan. What you doing, Dat Phan, huh?” I want to be a comedian, mom, I want to make America laugh. “No, no, you become a doctor. I laugh for you. Ha-ha. See, I can do it! One man, one women show, Dat Phan. Fung Lang, come…unit 4-1-1 come here. We have situation. Your son go cuckoo. Huh?” I bought my own P.A. system. “Dat Phan, look…look what your son do. I give him money for school, for book, look what he buy. My dad would check it out. “Hello? Two Asian walk into a bar. Two week later they own it.” Thank you! You guys have been awesome! Thank you very much! Finals: Top 6 Head to Head vs. Geoff Brown It’s good to be here. I’m glad, uh, there’s a large, diverse you know, group of people. I came from a very racist part of San Diego. And out there there’s, like, racist people to this day. I can’t believe it. I would walk across the street minding my own business, and these guys would walk past me making fun of me. (mock Chinese) What the hell is that? I don’t walk by you guys going, “Airplanes, cars, trucks, houses, trees, bushes, fire hydrants. Swimming pools.” People call you weird things, you know, when they’re racist. They’re so angry, they don’t know what to say. This one guy, he called me a rice ball. I don’t know if I should be offended or hungry, you know what I’m saying? He called me a rice ball. So I called him a Corn Dog! You mother Pot Roast! Your sister Ham Sandwich! (Vietnamese voice) “That time you go to far.” I tell ya, comedy’s, like a real…it’s a real stress reliever for me. ‘Cause me and my girlfriend, we got a home pregnancy test and it came out positive. Thank you, you guys are a very warm crowd. I was expecting an applause. Instead I get this, Run, Dat Phan, Run! Swim back to Vietnam, go now! No child support behind the palm tree. Go, Dat Phan. Swim back. But you can’t really trust how accurate these things are. So I peed in the cup again. And it still came out positive. I’m just kidding. She’s not pregnant, neither am I. I’m dating around now and you know, I have a lot of respect for people who have accents. I go, “One more time,” but I really have a lot of respect for them. Because dating is hard. And I see you guys out there without accents and they’re blowing it. Already, they’re throwing out bad lines. “Hey, like, is your father a thief? Because I wonder who stole the stars from the skies and stuck them in your eyes.” I see really bad lines like that. Imagine the poor guys with accents like, “Hey, your father, does he still things? Because I won who stole the sky from your eyeball? And stick it in you belly?” You can’t do it. I think it’s the stereotypes, you know? People think I do martial arts. And I can do nothing that has to do with martial arts. I was taking a leak at another comedy club the other day, and this guy…seriously. This guy was standing next to me like, “Hey, do you do Kung Fu? I notice the way you walk around’s kinda smooth. Like you do martial arts.” I’m taking a leak. It’s not like I was going, (karate noises x6) Finish him. (karate noise) Fatality, Dat Phan wins. Shake it off. What am I, Jackie Chan taking a leak? “I don’t want no trouble. (karate noise) I wanna go pee pee.” Thank you, I’m Dat Phan. You guys have been awesome, thank you very much. Finals: Top 5 Thank you very much, folks. Dat Phan is not a stage name, it’s my real name, you know. My parents had a lot of fun…my mom had a lot of fun with it when I was a kid. She’s like, (Vietnamese voice) “Hey, son, it’s pretty hot in here. Can you turn on that fan over there? Give it to me, daddy. I’m a pretty liberal guy, folks. I don’t care what race the girl is, I’ll date her. Doesn’t matter, you know. I don’t think my mom’s racist, but I think she is really old-fashioned. She’s like, “Dat Phan, why you date the white girl?” I love how she says that too. “Why you date the white girl? She is the one, she is the matrix. Why you date the white girl, Dat Phan? Why don’t you date a little Asian girl, small, compact?” What’s she trying to sell me, a car? “50% off, huh, son? Dat Phan, she’s like a Furby. There’s a computer chip inside her head. You can get it for Christmas. I come home, there’s, like an Asian girl on the couch I don’t know. I’m like, “Mom, who is that?” “I don’t know. She could be your wife, take her for a test drive, son.” Folks, I haven’t really been reading the news. Is the war over over there? I have no idea. Is the war over? Vietnam? Is it over? No, actually, all joking aside. Let’s give the troops a round of applause, folks. For what they did over there. Get back safely. You know, I think it…I feel bad for my mom. I love my mom, but she’s been through, like…she’s been through two wars, you know. She’s so paranoid. She won’t even let me come out on the grass when I was a kid and play out there. She’s like, “Dat Phan, don’t play out there, there’s land mines out there. There’s land mines all over the supermarket.” Just for once, I wanna go, mom? Sprinklers, sprinklers. Sprinklers all over the supermarket. I wanna freak her out. When I freak her out, she says the funniest things. You’re like, “Mom, sprinklers. These are the real land mines.” “Oh, no! Dat Phan, now you give me two heart attack.” What the heck’s two heart attack? “Two heart attack for the price of one. Order now, double coupon.” I dated this one girl, and her dad was a Vietnam vet. You know how scary that is? For me? Seriously, he’s like, “What’s your name, son?” I’m like, “Uh, Charlie. I mean Dat Phan. I love your daughter M.I.A. Argh, that’s another one. The funny thing is that people that see me they think I was part of the Vietnam War. I wasn’t even born yet. They’re like, seriously…what am I, like, the time-traveling V.C. From the year 1969…where the hell are we dot com. What the heck…this one guy, he came up to me, he’s like, “Your Vietnamese, aren’t you? You killed a lot of people in Vietnam.” Hey man, I woulda done something to help them out, except at the time, I was a fetus. This is me at Vietnam. Okay, I’m a zygote now, I’m a zygote. Okay, umbilical attack, we’ll go get them…umbilical…sonogram, look out! I’m going to kill you, G.I., now I kill you. And then I kill me. That’s my food supply. It’s kinda hard to fight a battle when you’re covered in placenta, you known what I’m saying? All I know about Vietnam’s that Robin Williams was a D.J. over there. That’s all I know. Don’t blame me, I’m an American. You know, I…so, we’re here in America now…and I love my mom. She gives me, like, the worst directions. You guys ever get that from your parents? It’s, like, the worst directions. I’m like, “Mom, I need to pick you up. Where are you at?” “I am over the hill, around a tree, over there.” Do you have, like, a name of the street? “Over the hill, around the tree boulevard, over there.” I think she’s trying to trick me, seriously. It’s like, “Mom, where are you?” “I am at the tree.” Where’s that? “I am in the forest. Can you find me?” So, I live…I live in West Hollywood now, you know. I don’t care. It’s a gay neighborhood, but it’s safe, so I don’t care. I gave my mom a tour around, you know, and she’s like…she doesn’t know it’s a gay neighborhood. She’s like, “Hey, son, this is good neighborhood. Nice neighborhood. Nice and safe. Friendly guys walking down the street, holding hands. Well, at least you have a K-Mart here. No, wait. That’s gay mart. What the hell?” And it is so different from where I’m from because I grew up in, like…I grew up in Santee, California, you know? Thank you, thank you very much. And, uh, I love it, it’s a great neighborhood. But to this day, there’s still racist people out there. I would walk across the street minding my own business. These racist people walk past me making fun of me. (mock Chinese) What the heck is that? I don’t walk by you guys go, “Airplanes, cars, trucks, houses, trees, bushes, fire hydrants.” I’m Dat Phan, thank you guys very much. Thank you. Finals: Top 2 I didn’t think I’d make it this far. I’m so thankful for everything. I mean, that’s…that’s my message. You know, when I first started out, I had nothing. I was living off an ancient Vietnamese dish. You guys mighta had it before. It’s called Top Ramen. I got a question about Top Ramen. What the hell is oriental flavor on Top Ramen? What the hell is that? Like, chicken flavor, that makes sense. Beef that makes sense. Oriental? What, they take a guy like me and put him in a bowl? Here, oriental flavor. You eat. All of my friends that are white, they can taste it. But me, I can’t taste it. To me, it tastes like white people, which tastes like chicken. I don’t even know what that means. But, uh, you know, we came a long way. I mean, we actually grew up. You guys remember he ‘80s. Clap your hands, if you remember the ‘80s. I’m and ‘80s child, and I grew up…and I think the fashion is the funniest thing back in the ‘80s. Remember that? Like when guys…’cause now, guys pierce everything. Back in the ‘80s, it’s like, you wear one earring on this side, you’re cool. On the right side, you’re gay. Is that the story right there? My mom, she wouldn’t even let me wear the earring either. She’s like, (rapid Vietnamese voice) “Dat Phan, no earring in the house. No earring! No scheezie maneezie. There’s two reasons why you wear earring. Number 1, you wear earring because you join gang. You wanna be gang member, huh? You wanna ba-ba-ba-ba. You wanna be Tupac Shakur or you wanna be Toucan Sam. You wanna hip-hop, follow my nose? Tell me! Number two, you wear earring because you gay. Huh, are you gay? Ba-ba-ba-ba. Tupac or you matching Toucan Sam? Tell me!” This is ridiculous. So I came home with, like, five fake studs on my ear. Mom, today, I joined five gangs. “(gasping) You also five time gay.” You guys remember the half shirts back in the ‘80s? It was, like, half the fabric for twice the price. You can have, like, holes in it, brand new and then a net over the top to cover the holes. I wanted to wear one of those too, you know. But my mom, she wouldn’t let me so I had to borrow one of my sister’s. I might be skinny now, but I was a chubby little kid, so I looked like a little gay Buddha with an under-sized pink shirt. My mom was like, “Dat Phan, come here! Lucky Buddha, oh, yeah. Rub it for luck.” But I tell ya, my goal overall is…I joke about Asians, and stuff like that, but I want to overcome the stereotypes, though. I mean, I do do martial arts as you saw on the TV show. But before that, when people didn’t even know me, they thought I did martial arts. I could do nothing that has to do with the martial arts. For example, I was at another comedy club. I was taking a leak, right? This guy was standing next to me. He’s like, “Hey, do you do Kung Fu? I notice the way you walk around is kinda smooth. Like, you know, martial arts or...” I’m taking a leak. It’s not like I was goin’, (karate noises x8) Finish him. (karate noise) Fatality. Dat Phan wins. Shake it off. Flawless victory. I mean, like, what am I? Jackie Chan taking a leak? “I don’t want no trouble. (karate noise) I just want to go pee pee. I want to be your friend. But, you know, I learned outta this whole business, is to…you know, things go in a full circle. Like, I can’t go to my parents. You know, my parents are making weird noises around the house. You know what I mean? As they get older. My mom, she eats food that’s so spicy…I don’t know what it is with Asian or Latino parents. But when they eat, they start adding more and more spices in their food every year. My mom eats it. She’s crying. She’s like, “Hot, that’s hot! I’ve got lava coming out of my eyes. Look at that!” “Mom, what’s for dinner?” “Lava! Ah, hot, ah, hot!” “What’s for dessert?” “Fire!” Thank you. I’m Dat Phan. You guys have been wonderful. Thank you very much, folks. Thank you. |
| CORY KAHANEY DAT PHAN GEOFF BROWN ROB CANTRELL SEAN KENT DAVE MORDAL RALPHIE MAY RICH VOS TERE JOYCE TESS DRAKE |
| Dat Phan |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
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