| Auditions You know, if nothing else, this thing is getting me out of a family function, and I got to thank you for that, ‘cause…(sighs) you know, I come from some real hillbillies. And you get them all together, you look at them, and you think to yourself, somewhere there’s a carnival just running itself. I walked around New York a little bit today looking like a tourist, you know. Like, when I'm in Grand Forks, North Dakota, I want to fit in, so I…I kick out one of my headlights and leave a Budweiser on the dash. I wear some of my dad’s High Karate, and I get along real well. Tomorrow is my anniversary. Yeah. I'm a recovering workaholic, and it’s now been 7 years since I've done a damn thing. I'm very proud of myself. Workaholism is such a tough addiction to get over. It really…I…I ended up divorcing my wife because she’s an enabler. Ah, used to wake me up in the mourning. “Are you going to work today?” “I'm an addict!” Jeez. I didn’t start out just to do stand-up comedy. I started to be a drunk in a small town. Yeah, I know, overachiever. 18 years old, living in a town of 500 people. And I decided to rob are only gas station. Here’s a little hint for you, when everybody in town knows you, don’t rob the gas station. I can only imagine the cop talking to that poor attendant. “Well what’d did he look like?” “It was Dave. Shouldn’t be to hard to track him down, he’s got a headlight missing and a Budweiser on the dashboard.” (Colin Quinn) “Did you really rob the gas station in your town? ‘Cause you look like the kind of guy that’s capable of it.” I did. I was still in high school. You know how we got caught? ‘Cause the next day in school, I was selling cigarettes and oil. Bad idea. Thanks a lot. Semi-Finals I just called home, talked to my kid. I live in Minnesota. Apparently, there was a, uh, power outage last night. Is there anything that will make you feel like more of a short-memoried buffoon than the power going out. How many times you going to try a light switch. Oh, that’s right? The power’s out. I remember that. Well, I’ll just microwave some soup. Ah, that damn power’s out! What’s it take you, two minutes to forget, for crying out loud? You’re walking around trying every appliance you got two or three times. Then about three hours into a power outage, you get this bright idea. I could use the light from the TV! You’re tripping over things on the way over to the TV. Then about four in the mourning during a power outage, what happens? Every light in that house comes on. It takes you 20 minutes to walk around and shut everything off, but soup’s ready. (Phyllis Diller) “Dave, I just think you have wonderful material.” Oh, thank you Phyllis. “I love it.” Thank you very much. (Jay Mohr) “Are you hitting on him? (Phyllis) “Am I what?” (Jay) “Are you hitting on him?” (Phyllis) “No, I’m not hitting on him.” (Jay) “Well, how would I know, Phyllis?.” (Phyllis) “ And I like your style. I mean, you come out in a very, uh, sh…I don’t know what to say.” You’re hitting on me. I had a really nice suit but Rich Vos took it. Finals: Top 10 Head to Head vs. Sean Kent Comic house. Do you really think there’s really a house? Where do you think we’re staying? Right here. Last night for the first time, we got to watch TV in three days. You know, we watching the news. Man, it doesn’t get any better, does it? It’s always rapes and murders and drive-by shootings. Don’t you think those reporters could come up with a story about a drug deal that’s...gone just fine? Here’s your money. Here’s your crack. Thank you. That’s all I'm asking. I've only been to California once in my life, and that’s when my dad drug me out here camping as a kid. And I'm sure your dad drug you around camping. And it’s always awful and my dad didn’t even have a camper. My dad had a used school bus that he had converted into a camper. Did you ever see one of those piles of crap roll through your town? 18 different colors from 18 different buses, ‘cause dad liked to fix crap on his own, you know. Then, to save money, dad put a wood stove on the bus. Yeah, not bolted down or vented or anything, just red hot and movin’ at stop signs. The thing was filled with smoke. I smelled like beef jerky until I was 18. Think dad could get a long bus. No, dad got a deal on a short bus. Now we look like special campers. Drag us all over, all over the United States. We have to go to, like Grand Forks, North Dakota. You ever been up there? How can you be a city that’s surprised by a flood every spring? 85 feet of snow and warm weather, I wonder what will happen this time. Then, they wait until the last possible minute to sandbag. You know, like, it might evaporate on them this year. And how in the year 2003 can we not have a machine that makes sandbags? You ever buy a bag of sugar? You think there’s a guy at the end of the sugar plant going, oh, this is crap, I can’t believe it. Ah, move it on down, let’s go, come on now. How do we not have a machine that makes sand bags? We can fake putting a man on the moon. But we can’t come up with a machine that makes sandbags? Good night, everybody. Head to Head vs. Dat Phan God, we we’re so bored in the house today. There’s nothing to do. You really should come out. The pressure’s insane. Although it’s helping me for my next endeavor, I plan on running for president in 2004. Uh, not to do the country any good. I just want to have the media dredge up my past so I can find out what happened during some of those blackouts. Finally found out what happened during prom. I just think that I’d make a good president. I really do. If I was president, they’re wouldn’t be any of them fancy Washington parties either. It would be people just like me and you. Wouldn’t that be something? Sunday mourning, a few of us passed out on the white house lawn. The presidential limo parked at an angle in the bushes ‘cause, apparently, Dave’s off the wagon. I quit a long, long time ago. I’ll tell you how I quit so you can avoid treatment. Here’s the best way to quit drinking: Get in a lot of trouble. That’s the best treatment program. It really is. I’ve done jail time all over this country, including California and my hometown. And that’s how you quit. You get in a lot of trouble. ‘Cause nobody ever wakes up and quits drinking ‘cause they had too good of time. Nobody looks to their sides and goes, oh, my god, I brought home two women at the same time? Ho-oh, that’s it. I am laying off the booze. Oh, I hope that we didn’t videotape this. I’d hate to have to show this to my friends over and over again. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with cars lately. And I’m not trying to impress the ladies with this, but, uh, I’ve got an 83 Ford Escort. Yeah, it’s the GT. You ever drive one of these wrecks? They call it Ford Escort ‘cause the name go-cart was taken. Anywhere you go, you feel like you’ve pushed the damn thing there. Any little breeze will knock you right off the road. This is the only car that’ll hydroplane on a mirage. You know, you’ll be going down the road every once and realize your door isn’t quite closed, so you open it up and slam it shut? You do that in an Escort, you’ll turn left. You turn the radio up and the car slows down. That doesn’t even make sense. You can’t pick up women in it. Timid hitchhikers wave me off. Nah, go ahead, we’re in kind of a hurry today. Last summer in my hometown, I tried to outrun a cop in my Escort, you know. Well, I had a warrant out, and I didn’t feel like going to jail. So what I did is I waited till they had me pulled over in my little Escort, and then I took off on him. About a mile later, he catches up to me. And now he’s pissed off. I got to give him a ride back to his car. And I think I could have beaten him too, if it hadn’t been such a good tune on the radio. Good night, everybody. Enjoy Dat Phan. |
| CORY KAHANEY DAT PHAN GEOFF BROWN ROB CANTRELL SEAN KENT DAVE MORDAL RALPHIE MAY RICH VOS TERE JOYCE TESS DRAKE |
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| Dave Mordal |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
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