| Auditions Love the female body. I think women take too much mess about what size you got to be attractive. God in his infinite wisdom made you in all shape and sizes. And if a man cannot love you and respect you for the size that you are…oh, to hell, maybe you do need to lose a little weight there. Maybe about four or five…I'm sorry. No, ma’am, I'm just kidding. That’s not really the way I feel. I don’t like skinny women. I don’t like no little skinny, bony…you ever seen’em eat…see a cheerio go down when they eat cereal? That’s nasty. I like a girl can help me move a couch. I ain’t got to call my friends. You know what I'm saying? Girl with some ass on her? Semi-Finals How about a round of applause for the men and women of the armed services who are putting their asses on the line as we speak. Um, I actually was one of those people. I was a member of the United States Marines for four years, and my unit just went to Afghanistan. And they actually called me up. I didn’t want to go, I’m doing this now. I got a little nervous. I didn’t know what to do. So I walked right into the recruiter’s office. Okay, I’ll go. But I feel it only fair to warn you that a few things have…how shall we say (snap)…changed since my last previous enlistment. It freaked me out, ‘cause the recruiter stood up and said, “Oh (snap), don’t worry about that, Mr. Funny man. Come over here. Come on, sign right here.” (John Witherspoon) “Geoff.” Hello. Yes, sir. “I like that shirt. I think Snoop Doggy Dogg had it on about two weeks ago.” Oh, I steal from Snoop. You don’t think I steal from Snoop? (Jay Mohr) “I see a shirt like that and think, who shot the couch?” Ah! Finals: Top 10 Head to Head vs. Dat Phan Thank you, thank you so much. Man, this is really great to be here. Damn, look around, there are no ugly women here tonight. There are no…just fine women everywhere. It’s like security was at the front with a taser. No, you can’t come, you ugly ass…no, your tooth is like that. Need to get your tooth fixed. You go back to your car now and file it down, I’ll let you in. I’m telling you, you’re tooth…uh, lazy eye, lazy eye. Your eyes like…what are you looking at? I don’t know where to stand. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorr…what are you looking at? That’s what I do. I love ladies, man. I do, I’m…no, I’m straight. That’s what I am…I’m straight. Maybe I’m too damn straight. I am just…I’m so straight, I bite my hot dogs from the middle. Y’all got a knife? Need to cut this. I got little boys, they can’t see. I do, I just do. I just love women. ‘Cause I’m a girl-watcher. I like to look at women. And whenever I get caught looking at a woman, she’s usually out in public with this suspect. “The hell you looking at, little man?” You. Ooh, you’re just so big. “Come on, before I have to whoop his little ass. I told you he was a sissy, look at that shirt.” That’s right. Just love ladies. Ooh, she’s very pretty. She’s very pretty. You’re supposed to say thank you. You don’t know what to say. Best advice I can give you, man. No means no, remember that. No means no, no matter how long you been with her. 20 years, 20 minutes. You can’t make her make love to you. She doesn’t owe you that. As a matter of fact, sometime they mean hell, no and they just don’t wanna hurt your feelings. And that’s tough to tell. Let’s just say you’ve been out a night like tonight. You spend up a whole bunch of your money. You get back home, it’s just you and her, you’re all alone. So you bring the lights down low put on your music, Isley Brothers, Metallica. Whatever white people make love to, I don’t know. And huggin’ goes to kissin’, kissin’ goes to feelin’. Feelin’ goes to gropin’. Player, you’re rounding third. You’re ‘bout to…you’re ‘bout to make her neighbors call the damn police. You about to handle your business. And she go, “Wait. I just want you to hold me.” Just hold you. “Well, if you can’t just hold me, then you’re a little bit insensitive to my emotional needs as a women.” Don’t get loud, don’t get upset for the rest of the night. Don’t get any. Best thing for you to do? Grease the tracks for yourself for the next time. Kiss your lady good night, take her shopping the next day. I know I’m right about this. The key to a women’s heart is someplace in the damn mall. Yes, baby. We’re shopping for you today. No, we’re not shopping for me. We’re shopping for you, look. See them dresses you like there? $1,500 a piece. Damn shame they only got eight different colors. Get’em down here right now. Oh, you want some perfume? Good, y’all got a…I need a 55-galloon drum of contradiction out here right now, yeah. Oh, go to the cash register now? Oh no, I was thinking maybe we could stand here and hold all of this. Gotta go, thank you. |
| CORY KAHANEY DAT PHAN GEOFF BROWN ROB CANTRELL SEAN KENT DAVE MORDAL RALPHIE MAY RICH VOS TERE JOYCE TESS DRAKE |
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| Geoff Brown |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
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