| Auditions Give it up for Jay, one more time, everybody. Give it up to Jay, everybody. Alabama, they just put up a disclaimer in their science textbooks in all their high schools, says, “Yeah, we got to teach evolution, but we all know it’s a bunch of flimflammy fluhaw.” You know what, if you don’t want to teach it don’t. ‘Cause you shouldn’t teach evolution where it doesn’t exist. I'm not trying to be mean, but if have you seen them? I refuse to believe I came from a monkey. I don’t think the monkey wants to believe it either, dude. I don’t think he’s happy about the idea of evolving from a beautiful jungle eating a banana into a trailer park heatin’ up a Hot Pocket. Semi-Finals Good lord, look at that picture, y’all. I look like an ad for the gay rodeo. It’s not good. I’m originally from Texas, where we have an unfortunate amount of racism. Thank you very much. I don’t know what you’re cheering for racism or Texas. I hope Texas. The worst racists are the white power freaks: Red necks with philosophies. You ever seen them on TV? They’re like, “The Christian God put us here on this earth to rule over the Jews and the Negroes.” I got to be honest with you. After about 20 years of that, I was like, “Could you shut your dumb ass up…dad?” Finals: Top 10 Head to Head vs. Dave Mordal Alright, alright, alright. It’s good to be here, it’s good to be out of the house. I’d been sequestered in that house now for three days with comics, and, uh, I've had a lot of time to think and I was having breakfast this mourning. And it occurred to me that the bravest guy in the history of the world wasn’t a hero, or a general or something like that, I think the bravest guy in the history of the world was the first guy that ever ate an egg. ‘Cause how did he know you could eat that? Is he standing around a barn one day going, hey Bob, did you see that thing that just…shot outta that chickens ass? Could you hand me that? Bring the cow over, I think we can drink from it. I'm originally from Texas, the same as our president, George W. I don’t who here voted for him, but if you did, I hoped it wasn’t based on his commercials. ‘Cause they weren’t that impressive. Since I've been Governor of the Educational Testing amongst the young’ uns has gone up. Yeah, we went from 49th in the country to 47th. Whoo-hoo! We just blew right by Arkansas and Oklahoma. People give me a lotta trouble about being dumb. It’s not really my fault, it’s the educational system. See, there’s no money for schools, so you wind up with people doubling up, teaching classes they’re not really qualified for. Like my history teacher freshman year was the football coach. So this is my first day of class. All right, sit down, you little freaks. (clears throat) We didn’t have enough money in our budget this year for a teacher, so you got me. Now, first semester, we gonna be learning how the Indians had it coming. Thank you very much. I've been Sean Kent. Y’all have a good night. Thank you very much. |
| CORY KAHANEY DAT PHAN GEOFF BROWN ROB CANTRELL SEAN KENT DAVE MORDAL RALPHIE MAY RICH VOS TERE JOYCE TESS DRAKE |
 |
| Sean Kent |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
 |