CIGARETTE RIVALRY A fictional spin-off of Wibbling Rivalry
THE SCENARIO: Noel and Liam are on a tour bus & Liam's been smoking non-stop. Noel goes to get a cigarette & sees that there is only one left, and Liam beats him to it. Now Noel has to try & convince Liam to give up the cigarette.
NOEL: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FACT THAT, ALREADY, YOU'VE SMOKED 4 PACKS OF CIGARETTES TODAY, & NOW YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE LAST ONE?
LIAM: I'M INTO IT, ME. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I GO HOME & I COUGH UP ALL THIS GUNK. AND I DO. I LEAN OVER THE TOILET & COUGH UP FLEM & EVERYDAY IT GETS A LITTLE THICKER.
NOEL: DID YOU COUGH UP ANY FLEM TODAY?
LIAM: OH YEAH, I DO IT ALL THE TIME. IT'S FROM ALL THE CIGARETTES THAT I SMOKE. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
NOEL: I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH CIGARETTES TODAY & YOU SHOULD GIVE ME THE LAST ONE.
LIAM: WELL I'M NOT, LA.
NOEL: ALRIGHT. WELL IF YOU'RE PROUD ABOUT NOT SHARING CIGARETTES WITH YOUR OWN BROTHER THEN GET THE F*CK AWAY FROM ME. WE'RE BROTHERS, RIGHT? YOU SHOULD GIVE THAT LAST CIGARETTE TO ME.
LIAM: YOU'RE ONLY GUTTED 'COS YOU WAS SITTIN' OVER THERE READING YOUR F**KIN' BOOKS & I BEAT YOU TO THE LAST CIGARETTE.
NOEL: I'M NOT AT ALL. YOU CAN STICK THAT CIGARETTE RIGHT UP YER ARSE 'TILL IT COMES OUT YOUR F**KIN' BIG TOE.
LIAM: THAT'S BULLSH*T. YOU WANT THIS CIGARETTE & YOU KNOW IT.
NOEL: AND YOU SHOULD GIVE ME THAT CIGARETTE 'COS YOU'RE MY BROTHER & YOU'VE HAD MORE THAN YOUR SHARE OF CIGARETTES.
LIAM: BEING A MAN IS FENDING FOR YOURSELF. AND I WENT FOR THAT LAST CIGARETTE, I GOT TO IT FIRST, NOW I'M GONNA SMOKE IT, AND THAT'LL BE IT.
NOEL: BEING A BROTHER IS ABOUT SHARING. SHARING. SHARING. SHARING. THAT CIGARETTE SHOULDN'T BE FOR YOU, IT SHOULD BE FOR ME. YOU ALREADY TOOK ALL THE OTHER CIGARETTES.
LIAM: WHAT THE F*CK WERE YOU SMOKING THIS MORNING, THEN?
NOEL: WHO'S TALKING ABOUT THIS MORNING?
LIAM: YOU SAID I TOOK ALL THE CIGARETTES, BUT I SAW YOU PUFFING AWAY THIS MORNING. SO I KNOW YOU HAD SOME CIGARETTES. OR ATLEAST ONE OF 'EM.
NOEL: BIG DEAL. I HAD ONE CIGARETTE.
LIAM: THEN DOES IT REALLY MATTER IF I GET THE LAST CIGARETTE? IF YOU'VE GONE ALL DAY WITH ONLY ONE CIGARETTE YOU CAN CERTAINLY MAKE IT A FEW MORE HOURS.
NOEL: NO, I CAN'T. YOU THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU HOGGED UP ALL THE CIGARETTES & IT'S NOT.
LIAM: I DON'T THINK IT'S GREAT.
NOEL: THAT WAS YOUR QUOTE YOU PRICK. IT'S SOOOOO GREAT! IT'S SOOOOO GEAT!
LIAM: I WAS LAUGHING ABOUT IT. AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, I'M INTO IT. NOW I BEAT YOU TO THE LAST CIGARETTE, I LAUGH ABOUT IT AND I THINK, YEAH, F**KIN' GOOD, MAN. IT HAPPENED. THAT'S REALITY, MATE.
NOEL: FINE, SMOKE THE DA*MN CIGARETTE. WHY DON'T YOU DO A KEITH RICHARDS? SMOKE CIGARETTES 24 HOURS A DAY & BECOME A CHAIN SMOKING, WRINKLED UP, OLD PRUNE WITH TAR FILLED LUNGS.
LIAM: I'M ALREADY A CHAIN SMOKER. NOW I'M GONNA LIGHT UP THIS LAST CIGARETTE AND SMOKE IT AND INHALE IT. I WANT TO DO THAT. I'M ABOUT THAT.
NOEL: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT. YOU'RE ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE. IF YOU DID, YOU'D GIVE ME THE LAST CIGARETTE.
LIAM: I'M ABOUT SMOKING...I'M ABOUT GOING DOWN THE F**IN'...I'M ABOUT...(LIGHTS UP THE LAST CIGARETTE & TAKES A LONG PUFF, INHALING EVERY LAST BIT OF SMOKEY GOODNESS) THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT.
NOEL: (LUNGES ONTO LIAM & TRIES TO PULL THE CIGARETTE OUT OF HIS MOUTH).
LIAM: SIT DOWN, MAN. SIT DOWN. YOU'RE GETTING INTO A STATE. SIT THE F**K DOWN.
NOEL: DO YOU KNOW HOW BADLY I WANT THAT CIGARETTE?
LIAM: I DON'T, BUT DO YOU?
NOEL: YEAH. I WANT THAT CIGARETTE SO BAD THAT I'LL TEAR YOU APART LIMB FOR LIMB IF YOU DON'T HAND IT OVER.
LIAM: WELL, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THEN? YOU WANT ME TO BE TEETOTAL & JUST GIVE YOU THE REST OF THIS DELECTABLE, NICOTENE FILLED CIGARETTE?
NOEL: YES. NICOTENE! NICOTENE! NICOTENE! NICOTENE! NICOTENE! NICOTENE! I NEED NICOTENE!
LIAM: YOU WANT TO BE KEITH RICHARDS. ADMIT IT.
NOEL: JUST GIVE ME NICOTENE. LET'S NOT TALK ANYMORE. JUST GIVE ME NICOTENE. JUST GIVE ME NICOTENE!
LIAM: YOU'RE GETTING HUNG UP ABOUT A CIGARETTE!
GUIGSY: WOULD YOU TWO SHUT-UP? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A CIGARETTE, NOEL?
NOEL: YESTERDAY.
LIAM: YOU HAD ONE THIS MORNING.
NOEL: RIGHT. AND THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. I NEED ANOTHER CIGARETTE. IF YOU DON'T HAND THAT LAST CIGARETTE OVER I'LL GIVE YOU A F**KIN' RICKENBACKER RIGHT ON YOUR NOSE.
GUIGSY: DON'T DO THAT. IF YOU KNOCK HIM OUT HOW WILL HE MANAGE GETTING ON STAGE TONIGHT?
NOEL: DO YOU HAVE A BETTER SUGGESTION?
GUIGSY: YEAH. JUST THE ONE.
NOEL: WHAT?
GUIGSY: YOU STOP AT THE STORE AND PICK UP A NEW PACK OF CIGARETTES.
*Well, duh! Why didn't someone think of that sooner.
*By the way, smoking is StUpId & I don't understand why Liam & Noel are always puffing away on cigarettes. If they got lung cancer & died that would be so sad & I think they should stop smoking. But that's just my opinion & I doubt anyone wants to hear my opinion, so I think I'll shut up now.
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