"I'll make you
a deal, like any other candidate"
a new Areaologist it is your solemn duty to bring forth
more recruits for corruption and life-ruining at the hands (erm
The Area. Seasoned Areaologists have the same duties and are just an
should you need further guidance or assistance in these matters.
Below is a general outline of
how to proceed...and is by no means all exclusive.
attempt to gather new Candidates for the Church,
you must participate in the revitalising and reanimating of fellow
who may be straying towards the crotches of other celebrities, or questioning basic things
Why do I have
Am I a Loser?
Do I need a
Am I going
Why did my 15
year relationship just break up...?
Why is s/he so
mad at my Bowie obsession… maybe I should
Is there a
chance that sipping red wine while frame by
framing in slo-mo thru the willy bits of TMWFTE over and over might not
been the best use of my time last night...?
Would I have
kept that job longer if they hadn't found those piccies of
The Bowie's tiny bare Arse on the work computer?
(and sometimes just)
People in emotionally
distressed states can often make the
mistake of Blaming their profound devotion to Areaology... YOU need to
to comfort and reassure.
I suggest pressing an innocent
and benign "Smiling
pic into their hand while suggesting that
Heroin, Crystal Meth, and Dressing up
as a Furry Stuffed toy then shagging other people dressed up as Furry
toys are actually the more problematic afflictions in today’s
would they really rather be happily married to a wo/man they SETTLED for with 2-3 children, in a
modest home with a
white picket fence, an S.U.V and a pretty ceramic animal collection?
Just coz the
Bowie just didn't happen to know they existed...yet...???
Exactly. Anyway... on we go
Like a good Bowiegasm itself,
these nights follow a pattern
of gradual exposure and building to a peak. Never, NEVER start out with
"thrusties", think back to the first time you saw one yourself. Yes.
Messy. Besides where is the discipline in going straight to the Reward?
No thrusties yet...good things
come to those that wait!
For brand new recruits begin
with just still pictures,
stylishly clothed Bowies, Smoking Bowies, friendly/pleasant smiling
only a hint of the "Come Hither" look. Examples are included so there
will be no mistakes on how to gradually introduce your recruit! (take
care not to show too
much "old teeth Bowie" to virgin eyes, it can have the wrong effect,
especially on those of non-British origin, many North Americans for
have not yet have clued in to the fact that English Snaggle Teeth are
Progress to Dreamboat
Bowies with shirt slightly open, (let
them note the little Gold Crucifix and feel safe), Healthy "working
out" Bowies, Happily grinning Bowies (again faraway and not too much
detail) and mild "hip tilts". For younger Candidates, it's also
better to begin with Bowies under 40, learning too soon that The Bowie
all wrinkly with (awfully cute n' pinchable) chip-monk cheeks and the
as Grandpa Joe can cause a small meltdown in teenagers.
If your Candidate asks "How old
is The Bowie?"...
say "timeless", if they see a recent picture and press for an actual
figure... 39 works, he could pass as a fantastic 39 compared to most of
disappointed unfulfilled Daddy's.
At this Point while having gently plied your
Bowiecake thru the introduction an excitable little sugar high should
kicking in... this is where we educate our Little lambs on the (pics
coming soon) "Come
Hither" look, The "Bowiegasm Face" and
my... it's hot in here did I forget to leave a window open?)
One of these is bound to elicit an
"Oh… Wow" keep this picture aside
place it casually in their lap (no direct lap-touching that's creepy)
straight into -glitter red mullet scantly clad Ziggys- ... muscular
glimpses of BtA (Being the area, and it’s Dimples) and The
Area itself , yes
clothed and not moving, safe Area... most candidates will begin to get
look and shove great handfuls of Bowie-Cake into their mouths at this
you may wish the rescue whatever picture was in their lap.
It’s good to reduce
visual stimulation and "take a
break" with a couple of Bowies Better known hits. When this Pivotal
is reached, too much too fast can cause fear and/or sugar induced fits
Premature Enlightenment, this is The Bowie we're talking about here,
Timberlake.... Think back to your first time, and how difficult it was
transition from Shallow Sugar-Pop crotches to True Area Enlightenment
"I'm afraid Of
Stay away from his "Cryptic Lyric" experiments, and lost middle aged
BOB (best of Bowie) DVD is
great for beginners, a collection
of the highlights, there's bound to be something on there that can reel
newbie in... Stick to the pleasant yet "Arty" ones to begin with...
(Blue Jean, Ashes to Ashes, Fame90)
Finding the Blue Jean short film 'Easter Egg'
is a great way to go,
sweet n dorky bowie, but also slutty neurotic Bowie, costumes... corny
Bowie humour = yes.
into the China Girl Vid is a no-no... remember.. GRADUAL Exposure in a
Peak is the key. Heroes is a good transition video as The Area is
as it’s true self (a Shining White light) throughout most of
the piece. then
head back into the Ziggy vids for Bulges in tight pants and finish with
Girl. Lend some emotional/political depth to the bowie at the end by
stuff from the Hours and Black Tie White noise era, it also lets your
have a moment of "down time".
At this point you may pick
either Movies or Live Concert
Footage with sparsely distributed "Thrusties" (e.g. 50th Birthday
party, no The Bowie isn't 50 there he's 39 like I told you, "The Venue
50", hence the celebration of 50 years of The Venue, yes Happy 50th
Madison Square Gardens yay!)
A&E Live By Request & VH1 Story tellers both have
pleasant non-threatening Area,
and show it's Bowie being a bit goofy.
Labyrinth, an excellent sparkly
easy to follow, way of Introducing The Area in tights AND the English
Snaggle Teeth too coz they just look like
part of his Goblin King Outfit. It also has babies, teenage crushes, dancing, things they've
Linguini Incident, for fabulous
hair, cuteness, and the Smoochy Bo...
You also get to see a signature Bowie "Mantrum" (Man-tantrums and The
Bowies that throw them) which makes him hit things with a chicken and
(see Terminology) a waitress
pre-cursor to his Man Who Fell To Earth "Mantrum" and "Hoover
Manoeuvre" both of which are more scary.
The famous "Hoover n Mantrum"
combo show up
Agaiiiiiin In The Hunger, Along with a quick peek of BtA and a
niiiiiiiiice. Stop the film as soon as he starts aging, it's lame after
Right, Pictures, Tunes,
Footage, Films.... sorted! It
OY VEY Tin machine live,
features shirtless Thrusty's.. very
very nice. take a GOOD look at your Candidate before popping this in
possibly hold up a shirtless Tin Machine Bowie photo first, or a
touching his Area... do they look at all distressed, overwhelmed? OyVey
leads to Bowiegasms, great honking ones. Stay The FUCK away from
Here” unless you are using it to draw the Evening to a close
or prepare a suitable
and eager Candidate for bArea.
If a shirtless Tin Machine Bo
left your Candidate nervous with eyes flitting to the exit,
Tin machine for next time and Pop in Ziggy Stardust The Motion Picture.
70's Fromage and Mime balances Areapower and Lulls them gently into The
Fell To Earth. Same 70's fromage and orangey colours, but a weird
movie... oh look
he was naked there for a couple of minutes dum dee dumm.
bArea, ALWAYS Show Love Scene
"can't seem to get dry, I'm still wet" (hahah gayest shag me line
ever... can advanced aliens not figure out towels?) it's more sensual,
less weird, can
you find that one spot with the better not blink quickie bArea shot? If
freeze, zoom giggle, we want to make our subject laugh at the Naked
Willy, naked willy's are funny, nothing special, nope , no magical
hee hee it’s a pee pee... etc etc. Watch the movie from the
beginning up until
this scene, it gives Candidates chance to feel for sad poor angsty
secretly want to see him without
clothes, also "Mary Lou " hasn't gotten too
Then, forget the rest of the
movie it's lame, disjointed the
acting is crap, we do not want newbies associating The Bowie with a
confusion and boredom. Show the man-trum and his cookie hate, show the
the skip to Kinky Gin-stirring gun-sucking Bouncing British Bulge
them if they wanna see that bit again... They never say no.
The Pledge of your new Areaologist.
You didn't do all
this work for nothing, you know.
things to make a N.o.B fun
Bowie Dress Up
Pin The Package On The Bowie
Got a printer? Make yer own
Bowie Light Swich covers
Bowie Show and Tell
(“wow people”, with rare things from
your collection and the story behind it)
Bowie Area Cakes.....we've
actually seen quite a few of these. Great job guys!
Labyrinth Drinking Game
Click The Dick
Man Who Fell TO Earth Drinking Game
Click the Bouncy Boing!
you'd like to take to "Bowie places". (
…no actual stalking allowed!) - although I think we may have
come close to breaking our own rules, the point is we're respectful
adults and would never interfere with The Area. We just like to feel
the vibes from it's proximity.
FantasTy Overshares (guidelines, like ***NOT***
admitting you've pretended to be Iman, or snogged your Pillow and
David, are good to set out at the beginning, we're not trying to demean
ourselves here people... *SNORTS* ...other than that pretty much
(Not to be
attempted with the uninitiated or newbies.
Let's face it...this is hardcore Area discussion here. Let's not scare
you reckon he Area-ed... [insert name and
discuss]? - could be male or female, so be specific on what
you reckon The Area... [insert
freaky idea and discuss]? - this is where we don't want to scare the
newbies. Let them marinate in Are-love for a while and then they'll
start asking you these questions. Then we know we've got them for life!
TMI (too much information)
"The end looks funny, What IS that? is THAT a
Why does it keep changing from skinny to stubby in the same scene?"...
(LOL ok THAT was hard
to type, yet I did, I am saddened
by myself right now, truly saddened *shakes head* What happened to my
used to have ambitions… *wanders away and gets Existential*)
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