AREA YEAH!!

As a new Areaologist it is your solemn duty to bring forth more recruits for corruption and life-ruining at the hands (erm hands???) of The Area. Seasoned Areaologists have the same duties and are just an email away should you need further guidance or assistance in these matters.

Below is a general outline of how to proceed...and is by no means all exclusive.

You must attempt to gather new Candidates for the Church, you must participate in the revitalising and reanimating of fellow Areaologists who may be straying towards the crotches of other celebrities, or questioning basic things like;

Why do I have no Boyfriend?

Am I a Loser?

Do I need a Life?

Am I going outside enough?

Why did my 15 year relationship just break up...?

Why is s/he so mad at my Bowie obsession… maybe I should stop?

Is there a chance that sipping red wine while frame by framing in slo-mo thru the willy bits of TMWFTE over and over might not have been the best use of my time last night...?

Would I have kept that job longer if they hadn't found those piccies of The Bowie's tiny bare Arse on the work computer?

People in emotionally distressed states can often make the mistake of Blaming their profound devotion to Areaology... YOU need to be there to comfort and reassure.

I suggest pressing an innocent and benign "Smiling Bowie" pic into their hand while suggesting that Heroin, Crystal Meth, and Dressing up as a Furry Stuffed toy then shagging other people dressed up as Furry stuffed toys are actually the more problematic afflictions in today’s society, and would they really rather be happily married to a wo/man they SETTLED for with 2-3 children, in a modest home with a white picket fence, an S.U.V and a pretty ceramic animal collection? Just coz the Bowie just didn't happen to know they existed...yet...???

Nights of bAreaology (NoB)

Like a good Bowiegasm itself, these nights follow a pattern of gradual exposure and building to a peak. Never, NEVER start out with "thrusties", think back to the first time you saw one yourself. Yes. Messy. Besides where is the discipline in going straight to the Reward?

PICTURES

For brand new recruits begin with just still pictures, stylishly clothed Bowies, Smoking Bowies, friendly/pleasant smiling Bowies with only a hint of the "Come Hither" look. Examples are included so there will be no mistakes on how to gradually introduce your recruit! (take care not to show too much "old teeth Bowie" to virgin eyes, it can have the wrong effect, especially on those of non-British origin, many North Americans for instance have not yet have clued in to the fact that English Snaggle Teeth are truly The SeXXX.)

Progress to Dreamboat Bowies with shirt slightly open, (let them note the little Gold Crucifix and feel safe), Healthy "working out" Bowies, Happily grinning Bowies (again faraway and not too much teeth detail) and mild "hip tilts". For younger Candidates, it's also better to begin with Bowies under 40, learning too soon that The Bowie is now all wrinkly with (awfully cute n' pinchable) chip-monk cheeks and the same age as Grandpa Joe can cause a small meltdown in teenagers.

If your Candidate asks "How old is The Bowie?"... say "timeless", if they see a recent picture and press for an actual figure... 39 works, he could pass as a fantastic 39 compared to most of their disappointed unfulfilled Daddy's.

At this Point while having gently plied your victim with Bowiecake thru the introduction an excitable little sugar high should be kicking in... this is where we educate our Little lambs on the (pics coming soon) "Come Hither" look, The "Bowiegasm Face" and

One of these is bound to elicit an "Oh… Wow" keep this picture aside place it casually in their lap (no direct lap-touching that's creepy) then dive straight into -glitter red mullet scantly clad Ziggys- ... muscular legs, glimpses of BtA (Being the area, and it’s Dimples) and The Area itself , yes clothed and not moving, safe Area... most candidates will begin to get a glazed look and shove great handfuls of Bowie-Cake into their mouths at this stage. you may wish the rescue whatever picture was in their lap.

It’s good to reduce visual stimulation and "take a break" with a couple of Bowies Better known hits. When this Pivotal moment is reached, too much too fast can cause fear and/or sugar induced fits of Premature Enlightenment, this is The Bowie we're talking about here, not Justin Timberlake.... Think back to your first time, and how difficult it was to transition from Shallow Sugar-Pop crotches to True Area Enlightenment and indoctrination.

Nothing too weird. Stay away from his "Cryptic Lyric" experiments, and lost middle aged man phases.

VIDEOS

BOB (best of Bowie) DVD is great for beginners, a collection of the highlights, there's bound to be something on there that can reel a newbie in... Stick to the pleasant yet "Arty" ones to begin with... (Blue Jean, Ashes to Ashes, Fame90) Finding the Blue Jean short film 'Easter Egg' is a great way to go, sweet n dorky bowie, but also slutty neurotic Bowie, costumes... corny surreal Bowie humour = yes.

Heading straight into the China Girl Vid is a no-no... remember.. GRADUAL Exposure in a smooth Peak is the key. Heroes is a good transition video as The Area is represented as it’s true self (a Shining White light) throughout most of the piece. then head back into the Ziggy vids for Bulges in tight pants and finish with China Girl. Lend some emotional/political depth to the bowie at the end by showing stuff from the Hours and Black Tie White noise era, it also lets your Candidate have a moment of "down time".

At this point you may pick either Movies or Live Concert Footage with sparsely distributed "Thrusties" (e.g. 50th Birthday party, no The Bowie isn't 50 there he's 39 like I told you, "The Venue is 50", hence the celebration of 50 years of The Venue, yes Happy 50th Birthday Madison Square Gardens yay!)

MOVIES

Labyrinth, an excellent sparkly easy to follow, way of Introducing The Area in tights AND the English Snaggle Teeth too coz they just look like part of his Goblin King Outfit. It also has babies, teenage crushes, dancing, things they've seen before.

Linguini Incident, for fabulous hair, cuteness, and the Smoochy Bo... You also get to see a signature Bowie "Mantrum" (Man-tantrums and The Bowies that throw them) which makes him hit things with a chicken and "Hoover Manoeuvre" (see Terminology) a waitress a nice pre-cursor to his Man Who Fell To Earth "Mantrum" and "Hoover Manoeuvre" both of which are more scary.

The famous "Hoover n Mantrum" combo show up Agaiiiiiin In The Hunger, Along with a quick peek of BtA and a Shower-Bo, niiiiiiiiice. Stop the film as soon as he starts aging, it's lame after that.

OY VEY Tin machine live, features shirtless Thrusty's.. very very nice. take a GOOD look at your Candidate before popping this in though... possibly hold up a shirtless Tin Machine Bowie photo first, or a 'gasmic Bowie touching his Area... do they look at all distressed, overwhelmed? OyVey Baby leads to Bowiegasms, great honking ones. Stay The FUCK away from “Heavens in Here” unless you are using it to draw the Evening to a close or prepare a suitable and eager Candidate for bArea.

If a shirtless Tin Machine Bo left your Candidate nervous with eyes flitting to the exit, “rain check” Tin machine for next time and Pop in Ziggy Stardust The Motion Picture. All the 70's Fromage and Mime balances Areapower and Lulls them gently into The Man Who Fell To Earth. Same 70's fromage and orangey colours, but a weird movie... oh look he was naked there for a couple of minutes dum dee dumm.

bAREA

bArea, ALWAYS Show Love Scene #1 first... "can't seem to get dry, I'm still wet" (hahah gayest shag me line ever... can advanced aliens not figure out towels?) it's more sensual, less weird, can you find that one spot with the better not blink quickie bArea shot? If so , freeze, zoom giggle, we want to make our subject laugh at the Naked Sleeping Willy, naked willy's are funny, nothing special, nope , no magical powers.... hee hee it’s a pee pee... etc etc. Watch the movie from the beginning up until this scene, it gives Candidates chance to feel for sad poor angsty Bowie and secretly want to see him without clothes, also "Mary Lou " hasn't gotten too fucking annoying yet.

Then, forget the rest of the movie it's lame, disjointed the acting is crap, we do not want newbies associating The Bowie with a feeling of confusion and boredom. Show the man-trum and his cookie hate, show the Alien, the skip to Kinky Gin-stirring gun-sucking Bouncing British Bulge Bowie. Ask them if they wanna see that bit again... They never say no.

Other things to make a N.o.B fun

GAMES

Bowie Show and Tell (“wow people”, with rare things from your collection and the story behind it)

ADVANCED N.o.B's

The Labyrinth Drinking Game

The Man Who Fell TO Earth Drinking Game

ADVANCED FAN-GIRLIN'

Plan Trips you'd like to take to "Bowie places". ( …no actual stalking allowed!) - although I think we may have come close to breaking our own rules, the point is we're respectful adults and would never interfere with The Area. We just like to feel the vibes from it's proximity.

Bowie FantasTy Overshares (guidelines, like ***NOT*** admitting you've pretended to be Iman, or snogged your Pillow and called it David, are good to set out at the beginning, we're not trying to demean ourselves here people... *SNORTS* ...other than that pretty much anything goes.)

ADVANCED DISCUSSION

Do you reckon he Area-ed... [insert name and discuss]? - could be male or female, so be specific on what you ask!

Do you reckon The Area... [insert freaky idea and discuss]? - this is where we don't want to scare the newbies. Let them marinate in Are-love for a while and then they'll start asking you these questions. Then we know we've got them for life!

bArea TMI (too much information) whoa!!! e.g. "The end looks funny, What IS that? is THAT a Foreskin... OMG!!!... Why does it keep changing from skinny to stubby in the same scene?"...

(LOL ok THAT was hard to type, yet I did, I am saddened by myself right now, truly saddened *shakes head* What happened to my life... I used to have ambitions… *wanders away and gets Existential*)

"I'll make you a deal, like any other candidate"