Your excitement is like a shot of ego-juice being injected into my bloodstream with a hypodermic needle of your choice, that hopefully, has been sterilized. Because you just wouldn't want the other kind. Anyway I thank you all for being here for this months Metzel rant.

There are attachments to cut your own hair using an ordinary vacuum. There is the craftmatic adjustable bed. There is a paint to spray on your head to cover up that bald spot. There are vacuum cleaners that can lift a 15 pound bowling ball. There is a one liter bottle of juice that will make you loose 10 pounds in 24 hours. You all know what I am talking about by now. INFOMERCIALS.

Infomercials, sometimes I just don't know how they can be legal to advertise such outrageous claims. I mean how week-minded of an individual do you have to be to watch these commercials and believe. Perhaps you were stoned or drunk, or just 80 years old and senile, which I believe is the demographic the advertisers were shooting for. Who buys this shit. Either way these companies are selling products and are making millions.

It's 2 am and the commercial is over and you say to yourself, I could save a couple hundred bucks a year on haircuts by using my vacuum and the flowbie and doing it myself. Come on. I know many of you think perhaps that I use the flowbie with my stylish 70's haircut, but no. I actually pay 19 dollars plus tip for this vintage look. I heard that corduroy pants are coming back, and just maybe my hairstyle will follow this trend.

The craftmatic adjustable bed. A modified hospital bed for home use, with a handy remote to recline in all sorts of positions. Actually a pretty cool idea, but have you ever seen one in a persons home? No. Have you ever heard of anyone who knows somebody who has one of these beds? No. Just who is buying these beds? Maybe the whore houses for seniors down in Vegas are buying them up. So Grandpa can get his groove "back" without hurting it.

The Ronco Insta-hair spray for men. Powdery latex spray paint that you spray on your head and comb your existing hair over it so no one will notice. I really don't know about this one. I can't say that 10 years from now when I am bald and desperate that I won't try it, so I won't knock it. However I do have a better idea. A can of liquid latex paint for sexual protection. Just dip your Jimmy right in the can for a few, or use a roller if your large like myself (ummm..), than run a fan over it until dry, and you should be good for 2 or 3 winters with that kind of coating. It comes in a variety of colors, pun intended, and there is also a clear coat to avoid unsightly paint chips. Buy it today the "Paint than Fuck" in a can. Check your local hardware stores.

Vacuum cleaners that can lift a 15 pound bowling ball! Other than Tommy, who needs that kind of suction? Any of you who went to school knows that the greater and smoother the surface area being sucked the more load it can take. That is why they attach a funnel to the end of the hose before picking up the ball. I have seen African woman on TV with lips so stretched, among other stretched things, that the surface area is large enough to suck start the Indianapolis 500 and still have enough to do a Pontiac with a dead battery in the parking lot. So don't be fooled stay away from this product.

What's next? Oh this magic bottle of juice that will make you loose 10 pounds in 24 hours, as endorsed by LA Laker cheerleader turned pop singer, Paula Abdul. (Fucking Muslims) Sorry. What people don't know is that the same guy who owns this company also owns a Mercedes dealership in LA. When Paula picked up her new Mercedes he slipped a bottle of juice in her trunk and that was all the legal right he needed to put her name on the bottle. True fact. Law suits pending. But what is this stuff really? Answer: liquid flu. Yep, you drink this shit and it gives you the shits. Within 24 hours you shit out enough of your insides that you really will be 10 pounds lighter. So in a way it really does work. Try it, you might like it.

So please be careful and don't be fooled by any of these products, they were all designed for one thing. To suck the money right out of you. Buyer beware, as they say. Whoever "they" is.

Good night nurse,
Mark Metzel "selfproclaimed comedic genius