Ladies and the other guys~

I was hanging out in my swinging pad after work alone like always, just talking to the walls, feeding the fish, looking for my dead ferret, etc.. when I somehow ended up on the kitchen floor, laying on my back looking up at the ceiling fan. I can't tell you why my subconscious made me lay down on the kitchen floor I myself thought this was odd behavior even for me. Perhaps because this was the first day in about 4 weeks I turned the air conditioner off and now I had the ceiling fan going for once. Anyway, I had shorts on but no shirt, easy ladies, do you need a second to calm down, I know it's quite a visual, so at first I just sat down under the fan and thought this is very nice and relaxing. Also I should point out to the folks who have not yet been over to the house that I have a one piece linoleum (or however you spell it) floor. One big piece of tile (to the lay-person). This is important to the scientific principles of my story to verify it's authenticity.

So I am sitting there with no shirt on and slowly proceed to lay flat on my back, when I discovered my newest self-amusing talent. I lay back and I feel and hear at the same time mind you, these two things I guess you would call them. I feel a rippling from the small of my back and at the same time, hear the most realistic farting noise ever manufactured coming from my back, yes my back. Now how, you say, is this possible? I'll explain, that arc from mid spine to the higher buttock region (or ass to the lay-person) was pushing all the air out creating a vacuum when I laid down and also producing a universally amusing, crap your pants, kind of noise. I recently have been involved in chiropractic care and my x-rays have shown an exaggerated curvature in the lower spinal column (or pillar to the lay-person) near the F8 and F9 vertebra. Which in turn makes me an inch and a half shorter than what I should be and also causes my stomach to stick out a little more than let's say...Garth? Maybe this is what Mango has? But a more severe case.

Getting back to my story, and this is the best part, I am laying there right after making this sound for the first time when I try to get up and..... I am suctioned to the floor. It is the coolest feeling. An even better feeling than rubbing my winter hat on my sweaty forehead as mentioned from a previous email. It's so cool. I had to work the stomach muscles hard to break the suction and when doing this, it too makes a very unique reverse farting noise. I laid down and then back up again over and over for about 5 to 10 minutes just giggling outloud like a school girl secretly watching Gumby in the shower. Easy girls, do you need a moment? Remember it's always a good idea to rinse with mouthwash after vomiting.

So after 10 minutes of this I notice the abs were really burning, luckily I started doing 500 sit-ups each night a month and a half before the canoe trip and have still continued a 3 day a week post canoe trip routine, otherwise I might have been found dead, suctioned to the floor of my apartment. So I am considering making a video and selling this as a new ab workout thing. I am also planning on doing bachlorette parties and birthdays and the like. It is going to be the next big thing. I just thought I'd share this with you good people, and LJ too.

Mark " the human science project and self-proclaimed comedic genius " Metzel

p.s. What you have read above is a true story, but the character names (Gumby and Mango) used in this story were changed to protect their identity.