Gather up the kiddies for it is time for another episode of Metzelov fables. I am so excited I could give you all a french kiss, but I just got my tongue pierced and the warranty doesn't kick in until Tuesday.

As many of my friends know, Greek food and tattoos are my passion. And it was while I was eating a salami sandwich when it struck me......Christmas has come and gone once again. Many of you may know the true meaning of Christmas and the story of how Jesus came over on the Mayflower and the whole deal. But I learned an amazing fact from one of the hobo's who like to hang out at the library across from my apartment. He was an older gentleman wearing a Santa hat with a beard and smelled like what I thought was a cross between frozen urine and cole slaw. It was that kind of smell that could make a maggot gag.

He caught my attention as I was walking out to the car when he popped up from behind the dumpster in the lot, and he shouted, "hey Sally, did you know Jesus was a Jew?" I assumed he was talking to me since I was the only one around, so I answered, "I knew he was thrifty." He than proceeded to pull out an almost empty jar of mayonnaise and shouted, "hey, are you throwing this away?" I answered, " I am sure whoever placed it in the dumpster is finished with it, but you better make sure it's mayonnaise before you eat it. I have heard stories of some crazy masturbator in one of these apartments. And I would hate to see you get the syphilis." He chuckled and mumbled as crazy homeless people tend to do and stammered off to the next trash receptacle. (pause) (very long pause)

Let me just say or write, I have drawn a complete blank writing this email. Usually I can just type and make shit up without stopping and without knowing where the hell I am going with the story, but this time I mind has come to a complete halt and I haven't a clue what to write next. Perhaps it has to do with me being old now and my theory that this is the last year of my life. I turned 29 on the last day of 2001 as many of my friends and LJ were there to be a part of at Marshall's party for me, and once I realized that I am in the last year of my 20's, it hits you. You go over your life check list that you made when you were 19. By the time I reach 30 I will have a wife 2 kids a house and a secure job. Well, I guess I wasted the last 10 years of my life, because I got nothing accomplished. What the hell have I been doing. My parents had one house and 4 kids by the time they were 30. I would even settle for a trailer home and one black kid by next year, but I won't even manage that.

I had a secure job for 6 years straight until the manufacturing industry did a bellyflop and some frickin weak-minded Muslims tried to please Alla, which made the industry even worse. Just this last week when things started to show tiny improvements, Ford decides to cut 35 thousand jobs. Which will make the industry take a big dip yet again. But at least I got my wife and kids to be thankful for. Yep, and the big wig analysts who thought they knew everything said that last months Christmas shopping season would stimulate the economy and put this country back on track. Wrong again. Which leaves us all asking ourselves one question, Is Christmas commercialized enough? Apparently not. Wow I finally made it back to the original Christmas story I started this now boring email with.

So I have come full circle, and I am at one with myself, because I have no one else, I would like to be with two and myself but I will share that fantasy in another email perhaps. You all have been a wonderful audience, I can be seen at Duke's in Crystal Lake on the 12th or whenever my so called friends decide to throw me up on stage against my will again, and please remember to drive fast and take chances.

Mark "the ramblin man" Metzel