| Auditions Hey. Um, I'm sad. I got three minutes and it took me two to get up here. I'm Ralphie May. I'm not from here, I'm from Houston, Texas, and I live here in Los Angeles. I live in a dangerous part of Los Angeles called Los Angeles. I live in a place called Da Hood. D-A Hood. Da Hood. Population: All them bitches. Can I get a what, what! Holler. The Hood’s fantastic. It’s just different, you know what I'm saying? Ya’ll like, we don’t have a Jack In The Box restaurant, y’all we got a Jizack Up In The Biox. That’s what we got. And you got to order like you’re from the Hood or the drive-thru guy will shot you. Out of respect. It’s like, yo, what up, player? Yo, money. Can you give me a Jumbo Jizack? And he’s testing me, y’all. He goes, “Oh, wit cheese?” (blows out lips) Hell, yeah! And I want to send me a shout out to the fry guy. Got much love for the fry guy. My butt raised on them fries. Buh, bump, buh, bump. I want a cold drink, baby, I want a cold drink now and I need me a chicken sandwich for my baby’s mama. He’s like, “Word.” Yo, sup. Yo, son. All right, be lim, let me repeat that back to you, grip, so we didn’t mit none, you know what I'm saying, money? You want a Jumbo Jizack with cheese, word. You want to send a shout out to the fry guy. Got much love for the fry guy. My butt raised on them fries. Holler! Holler! Can I get a what, what! Now sonny G’s scouting the rock. You want a cold drink, baby, on the cold drink by now. And you need a chicken sandwich for your baby’s mama, ?’Cause you’re a hustler, baby.? (Jay Mohr) “Ralphie, just so there’s no conflict of interest, were you ever on Fear Factor?” No. Never. I could be an event. Is fear a factor? In one of Ralphie’s creases, we hid something. You have 35 seconds to find it. Is fear a factor? They’re like, “To hell with it. I’ll eat the bugs. I’ll eat the bugs, I ain’t going in the crevice!” Semi-Finals I was in Thailand, uh, I was doing a USO tour. And, man, that is the hottest place I’ve ever been. I was in December and it was hot. Hot. Y’all, when I went, it was 100 degrees and 100 percent humidity, and it wasn’t raining. And that was at night. I was there for five days. I went through seven cases of Gold Bond Powder. I has so much powder, in my crouch like I’ve been molesting donuts. It wasn’t right? Whoo! Whoo! I sit down too fast, it was like the start of a magic show. (blows out lips) Tiger fall out my ass. You know, but the strangest thing that ever happened to me happened to me was in Thailand. I was walking down the street, y’all, minding my business, wasn’t acting crazy, I turn the corner, I got hit by a baby elephant. A baby elephant. Now I know you’re going, oh, that never happened. It happened in Thailand. Big ass, baby elephant. Now, it would have knocked a lot of people down, but, you know me I’m from the Hood. I ain’t going out like a punk to no’ baby ass elephant. I ain’t going out like a punk. You have to be a grown ass man. Who do you think you’re dealing with, Dumbo? I ain’t no fool. So he hit me, I went, “Hey, fool, what’s up?” I’m not going out like a punk. But we…we looked face to face. And the elephant…I noticed, they have the strongest sense of smell. He took his trunk and placed it on my crouch and breathed in. And I experienced a joy. I was upset that was the only elephant I saw in Thailand. I was walking around with peanuts in my pocket. Come on, now, Dumbo! (John Witherspoon) “ What did the elephant trunk do to you? Again, what did you say he did?” People don’t believe me, but it really happened. Okay, I mean, they go, no, no. It really happened. And he was like…he put his trunk right there. And he…bull’s-eye! And, I mean, he was…he was awesome because sometimes I have a hard time finding it. He hit it first try. And it’s like…you know what I’m saying? Finals: Top 10 Head to Head vs. Rob Cantrell Hey, Hey. Hey, what’s up? My name is Ralphie May, I'm from Huston, Texas. I now live in a place called Duh Hood. I like livin’ in the hood. And my resolution this year, because I'm livin’ in the hood, is, uh...was not to lose weight, because, at this point, screw it. You know what I mean? Seriously. This is more than a Diet Coke fix. You know what I'm sayin’ kids? My thing this year was to be correct. Not politically correct anymore, okay? ‘Cause I'm tired of it. You got to think about what group and what, It’s too much. It changes all the time. I just want to be correct. Like I don’t say African American, okay, because I don’t say European American for white people. I say black folks, right? Wha…wha…you’re right. Plus I live in the hood. I ain’t never met…there’s black people here. Any of y’all been to Africa? That’s what I thought. Why didn’t they name ya after someplace y’all been, like Compton American. Right? Inglewood swap meet American. Vietnamese nail salon American. Not African American. I feel bad for African American…I mean black people…’cause all y’all had a tough year, boy. This has been a bad year. You got Michael Jackson sneezin’ blowin’ his nose off, playin yo-yo with his baby. But that’s not really ain’t y’all’s problem no more. It’s kinda like our problem. He’s moved to our side. And if there’s any Asian’s, he’s moving towards you. That’s all he’s got left. And then y’all had the Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston interview. Are you out of your mind? They don’t do cocaine? Fine, whatever. I'm just bloated. Okay, fine. Are you outta your mind?! Bobby Brown would swing like R Kelly at the Kid’s Choice Awards. Are you outta your mind?! Yeah, I said it! Whassup? Then they bring out the fat baby. Thank god somebody’s eaten in that house, ‘cause, good lord, they’re skinny over there. All that cocaine? And that’s Bobby Brown’s little girl, ‘cause those teeth are jacked up. You seen those teeth? They’re in different area codes. That girl could eat both sides of a cob of corn at the same time. At least, sometimes, black folks get all upset about things. Mexican’s, y’all never upset, do ya? I mean, if it’s truly correct, you don’t hate on it. I mean, the most you’d say if I said something messed up about Mexican’s…(Mexican accent)”Yo, homes, that’s messed up.” You can’t say anything about anybody. Everybody’s sensitive nowadays. You can’t be politically incorrect, okay, because somebody hurt their feeling. (whimpering) I'm gonna tell you the truth. Everybody…in Hollywood, you can’t say anything against gay people. (effeminate voice) “No, stop it! Just stop! They are sensitive.” Why, ‘cause they sleep with dudes? Okay, because they sleep with men, they get to have a parade and mess up traffic for three days. Girls, y’all sleep with men. Y’all don’t get a damn parade. Do ya? No. And gay people just take things that used to be everybody’s. Remember when you was a kid. You used to draw a picture of your house. You put a nice, big-assed rainbow in the sky? Gay. They done took the rainbow. I want the rainbow back. You can’t have the rainbow, damn it! We didn’t have a vote on this. I didn’t get an email. ‘Cause what if I have a little kid one day? Boy come to me: “Daddy, look at this picture.” Come on, son, let’s go paint your room pink. Come on, now. Everybody’s to sensitive now. You can’t say anything about that group or this group or this or that group. Because they’re blank Americans. Or they...oh, they’re sensitive. (whimpering) But it’s always funny to make fun of fat people, isn’t it? Get the point? Finals: Top 5 (laughing)Holy smokes! Wow! A standing ovation for the fat guy walking. Thanks! Wow, it’s great to be here in Los Vegas in July. Thanks, NBC. Nice. Hey, are you trying to kill me? If I go out side wearing all black, I’ll explode. As y’all seen from the show, I’m not your typical fat guy. I’m not jolly or merry. I’m mad most of the time, and I got reason to be. I’m sick now of, uh, people who are hypocrites. And, you know, whiney people. Punk-ass bitches and…I really…I really don’t like’em, and it gets on my nerves. You know, the new thing is if your rich and you feel guilty about your privileged life, the new thing is to go out and protest something. You know, if your whiney and everything’s been handed to you, your like, (girly voice) “Oh, my god. Everything is so totally great in my life, you know? Daddy pays for my $1,100 studio apartment in West Hollywood. And I’ve got a BMW to drive, but it’s two years old. But I’ll manage, it’s totally awesome.” And you feel guilty about it, right? So now they wanna go out and protest. “Oh, my god. No war for oil, no war for oil! Oh, it’s a war for oil! And it’s so stupid. Hello, we’ve got Quaker State here. You’re right, girl. You are so right. War for oil. Oh, my god. We should go and protest. You’re right. We’ll take my dad’s expedition.” It’s hypocritical! And these are the same people two years ago were protesting paper companies and logging companies for cutting down trees to make paper. And they’re like, “Oh, no. You can’t cut down these trees. They’re magical. There’s, like, elves in there. And they’re gonna help three midgets and a crackhead take a ring to a volcano. It’s magic trees. Don’t cut down these trees for paper.” And now this year, they’re protesting in the streets with big-ass paper signs. No war! I’m sick of it! Everybody’s been crying. Everybody’s been whining about this. They’re like, “No war for oil. It’s a war for oil, it’s a war for oil!” Good, I’m tired of paying $2.22 a gas for galloon, yeah. You know, I want cheap gas! Your damn right! It’s about time we get something out of a war. We didn’t get anything out of Somalia except for one good movie. I want cheap gas! Yeah! Push all the red buttons. Ha-ha-ha. I don’t give a damn. Line’em up, George. Line’em up! Yeah, that’s right. I said it! You damn right! I’m mad. And I wanna buy…I want cheap gas, and I want to but it from a good gas station like Exxon or Mobil. Not a ghetto thrifty gas company where leaves come out of the pipe. That gas wouldn’t start a barbeque grill. To hell with that gas. I want some Techron. Don’t you want some Techron? Hell, yeah, put some Techron in our gas. Put some Optimus Prime in there. I don’t give a damn. I want cheap gas. The way I look at it, one country down, 15 more to go. Line’em up! I swear to god. It’s about time that we suge knight that whole region. Just suge knight’em. Take their gas. Punk’em out. And I’m…shame on you, Michael Moore. You can’t fit your chunky ass in an electric car. I want cheap gas! You’re damn right, line’em up! I’m sick of this. Hey, I didn’t tell them to fly planes into buildings. They brought it to us, let’s bring it back. Look, they get paid one at a time to blown themselves up to go to Allah. Let’s just speed up the trip. Line’em up! I want cheap gas! I’m tired of being afraid. My mama’s been afraid for two years. Do you know how long it takes for me to put my shoes back on at the airport? Line’em up! You’re damn right I want cheap gas. Hold on. Hold on! I swear to god, I’m sick of it! I’m sick of it! You know, two weeks ago, I filled up in the ghetto gas station at Crenshaw and Adams. That’s the ghetto. Where homeless people don’t want come up to you because that they know you ain’t got no change to spare. I fill it up at $2.22 a galloon. That 2 2 2 damn much. And then it hit…I swear to god, people. If it hit $2.50, I was going over. I can’t run at all, but I sure as hell can push a button. (sucking in air, explosion sound) And I’d make a very scary paratrooper. Thank you. Y’all been great, thank you so much! Finals: Top 2 Hey. Hey, how are you? Y’all just saw me. I don’t know why you’re standing up again, but thank you. It’s great to be here. I, uh…I’m really proud of this show. And I was really glad to be on it um, just for fat people everywhere? And, eh, I’m an extreme example. But, you know, fat people in general. I still get prejudice too. And just subtle things. Like, whenever I get on an elevator and there’s anybody already on the elevator, they always look at me like, “Oh, hell, no.” And then they very slowly look up to try and find the capacity, they’re like…and then they do the math in their head. They’re like, carry the one, divide it the two. But as a man, we got it a lot easier than women do. You know what I’m saying? Especially with TV and stuff. ‘Cause a man, you’re not fat, if you’re a man, ‘til you’re 100 pounds or more overweight. Anything under 100 pounds, if you’re a man, you’re not fat. You’re chubby, big-boned, or coach, right? Coach, yeah. But women, y’all get it everyday, don’t you girls? And it ain’t never about 100 pounds, is it, girls? It’s 10, 15 pounds. In California 7, 8, 9 pounds. And you’re told you’re always too big. You’re always told you’re too big. Something’s always wrong with you. Look at TV. This very medium I’m on right now says you’re too…something’s wrong with you. Bull crap, there’s nothing wrong with you. Be what you gotta be. You don’t have to look like something to be somebody. And girls, you get hated on all the time. Most of the time by other women. Ain’t that something? You go to the grocery stores, girls, all you want to do is buy you a pint of Haagen Dazs Ice Cream. That’s right, it’s your time of the month. You wanna go home and have you a cry, right? You don’t want no drama. You don’t want nobody touching you, looking at you. But before you can get outta the grocery store, those magazine covers, you know, the skinny white bitches with their big wind-blown hair and their $4,000 ugly dress with a big ass hole in it, like, “No, it’s designer.” Bitch, that’s a hole! Right? They got those big, fake lips, like they just burned somebody’s breakfast in Texas. I’m sorry. I’m tired of it. TV says you’re too fat, like Ally McBeal. I’m glad that show got canceled. Good. That girls got some buffet time to make up. That’s what I say. What’s up? I’m tired of it. Always too damn skinny. I saw her on TV. I though I had to send that girl 75 cents. I thought that my 75 cents can save Ally McBeal. She’s so skinny, last week she fell down on the set, and they faxed her to the hospital. That’s a skinny bitch. Something’s always wrong. You’re 140 pounds and you gotta diet down, because society says you got to. Now you diet down to 95 pounds, you ordering messed up stuff like salads with no lettuce. How the hell you gonna have a salad with no lettuce? (girly voice) “Um, I’d just like some air and…okay, thank you.” You diet down to nothing. You got no breasts. And now, you wanna…“Oh, no, when I get fake breasts. That’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna get fake breasts. When I get fake breasts, the whole world’s gonna change for me. I’m gonna get, like, free cars and free money and everything. And when I take of my bra, there’s gonna be, like, music and lights. ? Ahhhh ?” Look, girls, hey, breasts don’t mean anything. I got a nice rack my damn self and I don’t…that’s right, I said it. All the time. Always…and girls, what happened to your butt? You got no ass anymore. You got a little place where a butt used to be. You gotta grab a skinny white girls butt, you wouldn’t even get ass, you get, like, knee, joint, and spine. That’s why I like a big, thick ass. Something you can get a hold of. Thick ass! But not anymore. No, no. It’s ‘cause those stupid pants they make y’all wear. Them stupid, too tight for ya, skinny, tight-assed pants. Come...oh, I’m sick of them. $40 for extra pants. And I know there’s skinny women out there mad at me. “Screw you, fat guy. Screw you.” Hey, look girls, don’t come up to me, ‘cause you’ll get something to eat like a big old bowl of these nuts. Peace. |
| CORY KAHANEY DAT PHAN GEOFF BROWN ROB CANTRELL SEAN KENT DAVE MORDAL RALPHIE MAY RICH VOS TERE JOYCE TESS DRAKE |
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| Ralphie May |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
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