Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Lassievorc, NeuralClone, Spear, uisceboo, and Peacekeeperchuck. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
*POP*
*Oh dear, oh dear! John, why didn’t you wake me? It’s Thursday! I’m late for my column.*
*Sorry Harv, but I’ve been kinda messed up too. Besides, I did try, but you were in a coma.*
*Am I okay?* I asked.
*How should I know? Anyway, if you’re up to it, why don’t you do your column, I’m sure everyone will understand your being a couple of days late.* John reassured me and then left me alone.
Dear Readers,
My sincerest apologies for being late with this week’s advice column. It seems I’ve been out of it for a few days. I will do my best to make it up to you. Please enjoy today’s column.
Sincerely,
Harvey
Dear Harvey,
Ok, OK, I'll ask the obvious question here! Why the FRELL didn't you intervene to save John from that insufferable PK bitch? How am I ever going to help him get his self-confidence back after this degrading experience? You know me, we met on Lo-Mo, courtesy of the hanjee. I'm quite disappointed in you, Mr. Neuralclone! #@!XXX##ER (colorful Luxan curse).
unsigned
Dear unsigned,
Ka D’Argo! How wonderful to hear from you again. Yes, you are my only other direct contact to the outside universe, so please don’t be too harsh with me.
It seems that the hallucinogens that granny threw in John’s face affected me as well. I was unable to do ANYTHING! It was so bad that I missed the entire “degrading experience”. John won’t talk about it. I asked.
Then, just when I thought John was going to say something, POW, more fairy dust. Last thing I knew, we were flying through the air. I don’t know anything about what happened since then.
We really should meet on Lo-Mo and get together soon.
______________________________
Dear Harvey
I should be on top of the world! I've just been promoted for betraying my former commander (no more saying "yes!") and as a bonus got to torture and humiliate him as well. What's more, my new commander is hot, hot, hot. (You see she's got these... well, never mind.) However I've started to notice people *still* don't like me. I don't know why that is. Is there anything you can suggest so I can become more popular?
*Captain* (no longer Lieutenant!) Braca
Dear “Captain” Braca,
“Captain” Braca, as you well know there is no love lost between your former commander and me, after what... , well, nevermind.
To be perfectly candid, you have to be frelling crazy to ask how you can be more popular. Have you ever heard of standing by your man? Or woman, as the case may be?
You are an untrustworthy toady that should be scrubbing the filters of the local sewage treatment plant. In fact, the sewage treatment scrubber has more friends than you. I can count the number of friends you have on NO hands. You are a lost cause. You are lower than slime and should be sucking pond scum. Do that and you might get some friends.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I am a woman who is used to getting her way. I have done my best to please my superiors and to successfully complete the assignments they have given me. I have risen through the ranks to my present high status through various means. Lately I have heard people talking behind my back, saying things like "She's a terrible character" or "She's a real b**tch" or "I hate her" or "They should get rid of her". Now I am not bothered by the disgruntled mumblings of my inferiors, but I believe I should be more alert and ready for any threats to my position. Do you have any other suggestions on what I should do?
Strictly yours,
Commandant Mele-On Grayza
Dear Commandant Grayza,,
Your loyalty to your superiors is both an admirable and worthy quality that you have and should be invaluable in your continued promotion. I can only think that you are in your present position because of both your ability to “get the job done” but also in your insight into people, what motivates them, and your choice of second in command. It is your second in command who will be the keystone to not only your being able to ferret out any threats to your position, but also help you rise further in the ranks.
Trust your instincts, and trust your second in command. Rely on that person to aid you in your difficult, but glorious task ahead.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Ever since I read you last column, I can't get certain distasteful images out of my head. They involve a certain, uh, diversely-heritaged columni- I mean, person, skinny-dipping in the surf. I am actually having nightmares. How do I get these sordid imaginings out of my head?
Disturbed Reader
Dear Disturbed,
I find it impossible to imagine how you can possibly have nightmares about anyone skinny-dipping in the glorious surf. I have never had the privilege of doing so myself, but it would be... but I digress.
I suppose, not everyone is classically handsome, such as myself, or classically beautiful as some others I can think of but won’t use by way of example in order to protect their privacy.
So, for peace of mind, just repeat this mantra over and over and over again until you fall peacefully asleep: “Everyone is beautiful is his own way.”
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My mark's recovery is going nicely. I've been busy taking some interesting pictures of him while he is in his drugged stupor. Once I've taken enough pictures, I'm going to post them on the web.
My question is this.....
Ummm.....
Frell this!!!
The mental deterioration shown in last week's column has caused me to become concerned for your safety. If you do not take the necessary steps to correct the situation, I will be forced to take them for you. Be aware, I do not do things half assed, and forgiveness is not in my nature. I am fully prepared to go the distance on this matter. People *will* die quite badly, if I am forced to take action!
Hell has no fury....
The Dentic
My Dearest Dentic,
I am deeply touched by your heart felt concern for me, but please believe that everything is under control. There is no need, I repeat, no need to take action at this time.
Besides, I want to have you nearby for the moment that I really do need your help. Can you arrange to be John’s personal dentic? That way, you will be close at hand, and maybe we could even communicate through the fillings in his molars.
These Erp people are really strange. Did you know that instead of regenerating the dentine and enamel of their teeth, they fill those areas that have to be cleaned out because of decay with some poisonous amalgam? This amalgam has interesting properties, and it is my hope that it can act as an antenna for you, dearest dentic, so that we may communicate directly.
*John... John...
*Oh no! It looks like granny is about to...
*I gotta do something fast.* I thought, and then kicked him in his precious butt to prevent another disaster.
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