Nothing.
We're waiting. I've done what I wanted to get done - brunch with my mom, belly cast, a few pictures. I went to work today, but probably won't be going back. I've been getting crampy feelings the last few days, but I don't think any real contractions. I've slowed down a lot. I'm glad John is here to do everything I ask him to do. He's been wonderful.
I don't know what to expect, really, or when to expect it and it's driving me crazy. I guess I'll just wake up again, like last time, with contractions. I hope they're not too close when they start. But I think I've given my body the green light. Only two days away from my due date and my midwife didn't think I'd make it until then.
We're having a bit of a money crisis. I don't know what we'll do about that. I guess it's good that we have what we need right now, but we'll need more before payday next week. It sucks.
Friday, October 8 (40.1 weeks)
Due date was yesterday. No baby.
At my appointment last night we talked about how long before having a non stress test and then ultrasound to check on the amniotic fluid. We would do a NST next Thursday, if no baby appears, and then the ultrasound the following Thursday.
She asked if I wanted her to sweep my membranes and I said no. I asked John before going into the exam room if we should, if she asked. Now I kinda think we should have let her. I just read something that said nothing would really get labor going if your body and baby aren't ready, so maybe it wouldn't have been a bad idea.
Today is the anniversary of John's dad dying. I like the 8th, but I guess it wouldn't be a good day. Well, I don't know. It could be good to have something happy to balance it out. Tomorrow Purdue plays Penn State and I was hoping to have the baby on my side, wearing his new Purdue t-shirt. He could always wait until Sunday and have 10/10 as a birthday. John is 2/22. That would kinda go together.
OK. Time to feel sorry for myself. I'm really bummed and pissed about not getting a shower again. And wouldn't it figure - Oprah just did some kind of huge surprise baby shower for a pregnant audience. When I told John weeks ago to make sure I got a shower, I suggested writing to Oprah since I have no friends and such lame family.
Well, I thought my sister and mom were going to organize something for Sunday, the 10th. I thought I would have a baby by then and people could come over to check him out and be happy for us. The whole thing got screwed up and now it seems my sister and aunts are planning a girls' shopping day on Saturday instead. Oh, and I wasn't invited.
Last time, we were near John's family, but no one talked about having a shower for me. I didn't really have any friends nearby. I don't have any friends nearby now. Since moving so much in the last few years and not working, I haven't been able to make friends. It's not that I want a bunch of people to come over and bring me gifts, I want to have a fun afternoon playing baby games, celebrating a happy occasion.
I have this empty, sinking hole in my gut similar maybe to the void that is carried around by anyone who has always wanted, but never been given a surprise party. It something you always want, but can't do anything about. It's something that has the power to affirm the fact that people care about you. It's something I really wanted.
Unfortunately, asking my sister to do almost anything is a big pain in the ass. It's just not in her to be happy for anyone else or volunteer to do something nice for anyone else. If it happens, you get to hear about what an inconvenience it was and that she'll never do it again. She knows that once she gets pregnant, she won't have to worry about someone giving her a shower. Her mother-in-law will organize everything, making sure everything is perfect.
I've been wondering if I haven't had the baby yet because of some psychological block. Maybe I'm not ready somehow. But could it be that I want a shower so badly, that I refuse to let my baby come out until I have one? That's kinda stupid, I know. And I feel like a big idiot about it. But there's something really sad and disheartening about not having anyone care enough to do this.
There's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I've said something to John again, but he doesn't care. He probably thinks I'm being a big baby about something stupid and it will pass. I just can't stop thinking about my second year of law school when I found out that Professor Brandt didn't have a shower and organizing one for her after the baby came. It was a huge party and I think she was really touched.
Every woman should get one. Every woman deserves to have friends and family gather to help her celebrate this event. It's a happy occasion. It's a big deal . . . damnit!
Saturday, October 9 (40.3 weeks)
Nothing.
Today Purdue plays Penn State. I guess it will just be me for Purdue and the boys for Penn State. John suggested betting on the game for rights to name the baby. I said I would give him 25 points, but I don't think I want to make that bet. I am confident that Purdue will win, and maybe by 25 points, but I don't want to give up naming rights.
I looked at a message board on BabyCenter.com that had postings from women who weren't going to be able to have baby showers. It made me feel a little better. At least I'm not in the situation that some of them are in, like being single parent with absolutely no friends or family to help with anything.
John and my mom have been great this week doing dishes and getting me everything I need. I've been sleeping a lot better, too. I feel pretty good. This morning my mom and I walked home from the park, about 3/4 mile. It wasn't too bad and I don't feel like I did too much. John and I have had sex a couple times this week, too. I'm hoping something gets this show on the road.
It's really weird just waiting for something to happen. Knowing that at any minute I could be headed for the hospital and another birth. Just sitting here, waiting to be swept away. Waiting to become responsible for another little person. He (or she) is right here. In my lap. He's been with me for a while now. Just on the inside. I need to get him out.
My mom went to meet Kari to go furniture shopping. She didn't mention that Candy, her sister and my aunt, would be there, too. I think she wanted to go meet everyone and go shopping, but didn't want to tell me. Forget ettiquette. There will be a shower next time because I'll do it myself.
So . . . when is this one going to be ready? I started reading through stories in Spiritual Midwifery last night. They are so funny. I think they help get me in a better frame of mind for birth. Now I want to be sure we have fun during labor and delivery. I want to try to be as relaxed and happy as I can be.
We'll see how that goes.
Wednesday, October 13 (40.9 weeks)
Nothing.
Monday night I woke up with a contraction. It lasted for a little while and was all over my stomach. I laid there waiting to time the next one, thinking about what I would do first, when I would wake up my mom, but another one never came.
I went in to have my membranes stripped this morning. Monday I called Colleen to ask about castor oil and she said it would just give me diarrhea and maybe help start contractions. That didn't sound like much fun, so I opted for the membranes sweeping thing. I have another appointment tomorrow for the NST and she'll do the same thing tomorrow.
It wasn't too bad. Just seemed like a usual pelvic exam really, though it gave me cramps most of the day. She said she would have liked to have used two fingers to do it, but was only able to get one finger in my cervix. My cervix is still thick and not changing. Still just a bit more than 1 centimeter dilated.
I don't know what I'll try next. I said I would get more aggressive with the natural type inducement stuff next week if there's no baby by Monday. I figure I'll try cohosh tea and more sex and maybe the castor oil thing. I don't think I'll let anyone break my water and I definitely won't do pitocin.
My mom changed her return flight from this Saturday to Monday. She has to see the baby. I was afraid of not making it until she got here and now I may not have the baby before she leaves. Whattabummer.
I want to see this baby. I'm ready. The wife of a football trainer that John works with had her baby yesterday. I don't think she was due until next week. So people have been asking John when we're going to have ours.
I have gained 45 pounds according to the scale today. Maybe I just need to reach that magic number - 50.
Friday, October 15 (41.1 weeks)
Still pregnant.
Had a non stress test yesterday. No big deal. Baby moved a bunch and heart rate was perfect. She said I was a bit more dilated, about 3 cm. She stripped the membranes again and I got some icky cramping for a while. But whenever I woke up last night there weren't any cramps or uncomfortable spots.
I am scheduled for an ultrasound and another NST Monday, if needed. She said something had to happen before next Thursday, 42 weeks, or I would have to be induced somehow. I was a bit depressed after the appointment. I've been looking for something to inspire me or at least make me feel better.
I just read that 99.6% of all babies are delivered between 38 and 42 weeks. So I guess that's something to hold onto. My mom may not be here when it happens, but I most likely won't have to be induced. If we do get to Thursday, I think I would want to start with prostoglandin gel before having my water broken. I want to avoid pitocin altogether.
I bought some red raspberry leaf tea last night and had some today. It could do something, but probably won't. Maybe in combination with the stripping of the membranes there could be an effect. I don't know. There's not much I can do according to everything I read. When the baby's ready, he'll come out.
I would love to wake up with contractions tonight. Every morning I wake up a little more bummed out about nothing happening during the night. I think most women go into labor at night. Of course, going into labor at work today would have been fine, too. Yes, I'm overdue and went into work today. I actually feel better now than I did a couple weeks ago, though.
Well, I'll keep you posted.
Friday, October 22
I knew I was having a boy!
Max Warren Wallace flew out of me Sunday evening, October 17 at 6:09 pm, weighing 8 pounds, 1 ounce and measuring 20.5 inches long with dark hair. We almost didn't make it to the hospital.
My mom left our house Sunday around noon to go to Kari's for the night, since she was leaving the next day. She had planned on meeting us at my ultrasound appointment Monday. After she left we got in bed to watch TV and snooze. Little John and I got a good nap and then stayed in bed watching some weird movie John had started to watch.
I thought I felt a contraction about 2:20 and made a note of the time. About 15 minutes later another came on. They were pretty strong, I thought, for early contractions. I told John. Another 15 minutes later there was another one. Then they skipped up to 5 minutes apart, lasting almost one and half minutes. After 40 minutes of those John called Colleen to tell her what was happening. She said to give her a call back after another hour. I called my mom and Kari to let them know what was happening and told them that we would call before we left for the hospital.
The next hour seemed to have gone by pretty fast. I took a shower and John got everything together, including heating up cider and donuts for the nurses. By the time we called Colleen again the contractions were stronger and it felt like there were little ones following the big ones. I was kneeling in front of the couch and toning already with John rubbing my back. He did a good job timing contractions this time and making sure I was doing okay. Little John was trying to make the same noises and kept getting in my face. It was pretty funny. He was very cute and didn't seem concerned about what I was doing.
I was able to function between the contractions, which seemed very strong. The intensity and duration worried me a little bit. I started to wonder how I was going to make the ride. I think we finally left the house around 5 pm.
I couldn't get comfortable in the car at all. I felt like I didn't know what to do. Although I knew I could make it through the contractions, I wasn't handling them very well. I couldn't get my legs in the right place and my toes actually felt like they were curling backward. Not even halfway to the hospital I was making much louder noises and feeling pushing contractions. Soon after there was a burning sensation with the "pushes."
I told John what was happening in between the grunting and swearing. Little John was still mocking the noises I was making, but not repeating the words, thankfully. I was close to freaking out. John tried calming me down and sped up. When we got to the Aurora exit I told him not to stop to pay the toll. I think the usual 45 minute drive only took 30 minutes.
We pulled into the hospital lot and John stopped at the entrance. When he ran in to get someone I realized I just needed to get out of the car and into the hospital as soon as I could. I walked into the lobby and told the guy that John had just talked to that I was in labor and needed to push. While he was figuring out what to do, I leaned over a wheelchair wondering if I should sit in it or lean on it, and ultimately decided to just walk to the elevator and go up.
On my way to the elevator there was a big warm gush in my pants. I had put on a big thick pad, but it wasn't going to help much with this flood. The elevator door opened and I walked in, then looked back out to the lobby to see John running in with little John in his arms. I held the door and waited for them. When we got to the maternity floor, there was a nurse waiting at the door to lead me to a room. I saw Colleen standing behind the nurses' desk. I think I was saying that I needed to push.
I walked into the room up to the bed and started taking off my pants, looking at my shoes to see if anything got on them. I climbed up on the bed and Colleen confirmed that I was completely dilated. I guess I wasn't concerned about how dilated I was because I already knew the baby was on his way out.
Unlike John's labor and birth, I was totally aware between contractions and able to think. Colleen called me Kristine and I said "Kris." And what else. I know I was talking and thinking. I asked John to put down little John so that he could rub my back. A nurse took him out to the nurses' desk. He was handling everything really well, though.
There wasn't time to run a monitor strip, but Colleen was able to use a Doppler to get the baby's heartbeat. Then she asked for a squatting bar and I tried that. But I couldn't bring myself to fully squat and push. There was a lot of stretching and burning. They moved the lower part of the bed, bringing my feet and legs back up, and I leaned back and started to reluctantly push with the contractions. I was pulling and grabbing all over the nurse that was next to me. John was checking me out with Colleen waiting to catch the baby.
I was close to hysterical due to the awful burning and stinging, and uncontrollable natural pushing. I kept asking Colleen to put something on me to help. She had a warm compress which helped a little. But not for long. She and the other nurse were telling me to push through the pain. I kept asking if there was anything they could do to help the burn. I don't think I got to the point of begging, but it wasn't fun.
After only a few pushes the baby came out. John saw first that it was a boy and put him on my stomach. The cord was a bit short, so I couldn't pull him all the way up to my chest. Colleen asked John if he wanted to cut the cord and I told them to wait a while. Then my mom and sister finally walked in with little John. They said they didn't leave right away and then had to stop for gas, so they missed the whole thing. Probably not a bad thing. I don't think my mom could have handled it.
With my first delivery, the second stage was a bit longer and there wasn't really any burning sensation, just stretching. Since this one was so fast, there wasn't time for slow, easy stretching resulting in a lot of burning and a second degree tear that needed 15 stitches. I didn't like hearing that. And sitting through three shots to numb me plus the stitching was not pleasant. Ick.
So that's my second birth story. I can't believe we have two little boys. Wow. He's been very sweet and so easy. He sleeps most of the time and eats every couple of hours. Last night was good. I was able to fall asleep in between feedings and changings pretty easily. He's awake for a few hours during the day. He mostly just looks around and tries to suck on his hands.
John seems to be handling the new guy pretty well. He's been frustrated a couple of times when I haven't been able to get up right away to do something with him. Yesterday he woke up from his nap kinda cranky and wanted me to lay down with him, but I was holding Max who was awake and John was outside. He didn't like me just sitting next to him. And then he wanted me to carry him downstairs which I managed to do even with Max in the other arm.
I'm glad John has a little brother and I can't wait for them to play together and do all the things brothers do.
Tuesday, October 26
I don't know what I'm going to do when John goes back to work next week.
It's been nice with all of us home, but it's just going to be me with two little little boys in 6 days. I hope I can handle it. I hope little John can handle it. He's going to have to be more patient about getting what he wants during the day. He's been a bit fussy and tempermental lately which I'm sure has everything to do with Max being here.
Max has continued to be a little angel. He just eats, sleeps and poops every once in a while. He's up for a few hours during the day and sleeps in between feedings at night. I'm glad I've been able to sleep in between feedings, too. His cord fell off Saturday and his plastibell circumcision thing fell off Sunday, both a little early. His belly button didn't look quite done, a little oozy and weird. But I guess it's okay. We put a band-aid on it just to keep anything from irritating it. His bell thing was supposed to fall off within 7-10 days, but it was only on for 5 days. His little penis tip is pretty red, but I guess it's still healing.