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"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, UK basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." - A congressional candidate in Texas

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." - John Wayne

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."- General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."-Gerry Brown

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another."-George Bush, Former US President

"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush, Former US President

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." -Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." -Parish Magazine

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." -Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"I've read about foreign policy and studied--I know the number of continents." -George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -Keppel Enderbery

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -Dan Quayle

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." -Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.-Dave Barry

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."-Lily Tomlin

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'-Richard Jeni

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'-Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.-Conan O'Brien

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.-William Coronel

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself.-Mark Twain

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.-Dave Edison

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.-Jackie Gleason

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.-George Gobel

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? --Robin Williams

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.-Rita Rudner

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.-Jerry Seinfeld

Why is it that when we talk to G-d we're said to be praying, but when G-d talks to us we're schizophrenic? Lily Tomlin